Desperate need for guidance

[Devoted0702]

I get it that you are totally infatuated and psychologically not thinking straight because of “love brain”.
Seriously, is there a way you can think about dating other men in the future? Obviously not now during the pandemic, but I think you need to see “there are other fish in the sea”.
Do your parents know all about this relationship? Do they have any advice?

My mom knows- she says the same thing. She says that if a 44 year old man, today in 2020 doesnt “know” if he wants a marriage and children, he basically will never want it.
She knows my love style, my passionate stupid sort of love that burns me out- and she feels bad; everyone does- all my friends who i love dearly, even my boss…they all feel TERRIBLE that this person is the way he is and I can’t see it…
This comes down to me; I need to pray that God gives me the strength. But boy is it so hard, picking up the pieces always after him, 3 years straight.

 

[jclarkson]

I think I’m also in this “save” him stage as well

Often, men marry women hoping they won’t change but they do. Women marry men hoping they will change but they don’t.

Please don’t get into a seriously relationship with someone that you are encouraging to change.

(which he sometimes takes down)

Yes - because he’s putting it up because he enjoys your company.

his sister is married to an atheist, and she’s adopted alot of her husbands’ traits and sometimes will try to push them on to him; (hence why i think sometimes the picture comes down).

You’re using this to (in my opinion incorrectly) justify his actions.

 

[jclarkson]

Let me ask you this, are there any of your friends or family who tell you that pursuing the relationship with this guy may turn out to be beneficial for you?

We are just all random people on the internet (although I try to type the same stuff here I would say in person if we were having coffee) - are there many people who really know you who think it’s a good plan?

 

[Devoted0702]

Let me ask you this, are there any of your friends or family who tell you that pursuing the relationship with this guy may turn out to be beneficial for you?

We are just all random people on the internet (although I try to type the same stuff here I would say in person if we were having coffee) - are there many people who really know you who think it’s a good plan?

No. No one that knows us, and knows the situation has ever said that this is a good idea.
I came on this to get an unbiased opinion from people that don’t know anything super personal about us, just to see what the responses would be. Would they be “relationships are hard, keeping them afloat is a job, you have to work harder, keep at it.” or would they be exactly what I HAVE been hearing the past 3 years…
Its SO HARD for me to swallow this- I am sick to my stomach especially these past 2 months; this is my reality, I can’t avoid it. As difficult as it-
Overall the thought of this being another failure has me paralyzed; completely and totally paralyzed.

 

[Lou2U]

You have been trying to be his saviour for three years. The cold hard truth of it is he doesn’t want to be saved. All this time and energy you’ve spent is like a sunk costs fallacy, of course you want to hold onto any sign of hope. But you know that ultimately this relationship cannot give you what you want.

Put yourself first, for the first time in three years. All that energy you put into saving him - put it into saving yourself from a dead-end relationship. You will see just how much strength you have.

 

[TheLittleLady]

“relationships are hard, keeping them afloat is a job, you have to work harder, keep at it.”

Marrying my husband was the easiest thing I ever did. We had times that were hard, every marriage does, but, the love, the joy, the commitment was like breathing.

 

[jclarkson]

Overall the thought of this being another failure has me paralyzed; completely and totally paralyzed.

It sounds like you’ve just got to the root of your problem here in this last line. I suggest you speak to a therapist of some sort as I think this is probably beyond what some strangers on the internet can help you with and possibly offline friends too.

There is no reason to fear failure. You know what failure is? A success at finding out how NOT to do something.

 

[Lou2U]

Overall the thought of this being another failure has me paralyzed; completely and totally paralyzed.

I am so sorry you’re struggling, @Devoted0702, really I am. I can hear your exhaustion when you type. What you’ve said above is that your fear is keeping you unhappy. It’s keeping you in a relationship with no future, it’s keeping you desperately holding on to something that can never be. I think it would be good for you to explore this fear with a counselor. Many are offering online or telephone sessions, they can help you work through this fear.

You’re looking at this the wrong way if you think the relationship was a failure. It hasn’t had the outcome you wanted, but that doesn’t make it a failure. Look at all the qualities you have, look at all the qualities you have developed through being in your relationship. I can see your kindness, selflessness, compassion and piety throughout all your posts. You know what you want out of life; you’re making steps for that to happen. You’re learning to assert yourself and you’re getting to a place where you can try to achieve your dreams. That may not have happened without this relationship.

 

[27lw]

Agreed – you’re not a failure! Nor is he – no human being is a failure.
IMO this man is not the match for you. Find someone who wants to marry and have children! Go on a (Catholic?) dating website and look around! There are other fish in the sea! You sound like a good catch yourself – time to move on!

 

[dollysro]

I have heard that often men marry women with the hope they will never change and women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

 

[jclarkson]

I have heard

30 or 40 minutes ago??

 

[Irishmom2]

I think you should seek professional help. Work on your self esteem that has allowed you to cling and waste the last three years of your life, despite the fact that no one thinks this relationship is right.

And that when pointed out to you by your mom, your friends and unbiased people on the internet, you continue to talk yourself into him even more, analyzing and wishing and praying for something that should never, and will most likely never, happen.

 

[Legend]

OP,

You have kept making it clear that you want to believe that this man has returned to you from pure motives, and that, eventually, you and he will get married. Despite all evidence to the contrary!

Well, one thing does have a natural ‘time clock’ to it-the day will come when you can no longer conceive a Child. Are you willing to give up that part of your dream? Will you start holding it against him…meaning, of course, that he took up the time you could be spending, if not looking for, at least being open to, a man whose goals coincide with yours?

Are you willing to possibly becoming bitter, and giving up on yourself? Frankly, I don’t think this man, despite his romantic/emotional gestures, is even thinking about your future. Or his own…where marriage and family are concerned.

This will probably be my last post on this thread. I have a tendency to become harsh, at times. But please…think things out! He’s not going to change.

To all: Take care in these days of pandemic. And God Bless!