Desperate Plea for Help! My husband wants a divorce!

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mccartyj

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I am absolutely devastated right now! Me and my husband of almost 4 years have been in crisis for awhile. Last July, he finally told me how miserable and he was and was thinking about divorce. We kind of talked about it and he said that after the holidays we would discuss it more. Well the holidays came and went, then my daugthers birthday, then my grandma got sick and passed away, etc. We finally talked about it again last week because I brought something up. We got into a horrible fight in front of my daughter and he let me know that he still wanted a divorce. He is miserable and doesn’t think anything we do will change this. He finally brought it up again today before he left for work and it sounds like something he wants to do soon! I had no idea that he wanted it so soon and thought I had some time!

I have no idea what to do! I am destroyed right now! I left a VM for the sister at my parish church to talk to her again and hopefully set up a meeting with a priest maybe. His Catholic faith is fading and he has said that if we get divorced, he will leave the Catholic church. We converted last year. We have a 2 year old daughter and I stay home with her. This is his second marriage. I love him so much and don’t want to lose him! I know we have problems, many, and am unhappy too but I want to fix them not get a divorce!

Help please!

Jessica in Indiana
 
mccartyj said:
I am absolutely devastated right now! Me and my husband of almost 4 years have been in crisis for awhile. Last July, he finally told me how miserable and he was and was thinking about divorce. We kind of talked about it and he said that after the holidays we would discuss it more. Well the holidays came and went, then my daugthers birthday, then my grandma got sick and passed away, etc. We finally talked about it again last week because I brought something up. We got into a horrible fight in front of my daughter and he let me know that he still wanted a divorce. He is miserable and doesn’t think anything we do will change this. He finally brought it up again today before he left for work and it sounds like something he wants to do soon! I had no idea that he wanted it so soon and thought I had some time!

I have no idea what to do! I am destroyed right now! I left a VM for the sister at my parish church to talk to her again and hopefully set up a meeting with a priest maybe. His Catholic faith is fading and he has said that if we get divorced, he will leave the Catholic church. We converted last year. We have a 2 year old daughter and I stay home with her. This is his second marriage. I love him so much and don’t want to lose him! I know we have problems, many, and am unhappy too but I want to fix them not get a divorce!

Help please!

Jessica in Indiana
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From what you’ve described, the best you can do now is what you’re already doing - reaching out at your parish for assistance. Hopefully you and your husband will be able to speak with and receive assistance from your priest. Also, make an appointment with a marriage-family therapist for additional help and support. If you don’t have insurance, contact your diocese for a referral to a practice that will see you on a reduced/sliding scale.

I’m sorry you’re facing this.

Luna
 
What happened to first marriage? That may give you some clues. I’d protect myself if he’s speaking about leaving- check bank accounts/credit and be prepared. Who knows what will happen, but you want to make sure you are as prepared as you can be for worst.
 
If this is second marrage then it sounds as if he has some underlying problems that need to be resolved. By all means seek help from your Priest or a professional. In the meantime get your house in order…like you may have to work or hone job skills and be ready for whatever may come or happen. This sounds more like his pproblem, but what do I know. There are serial kilers and serial husbands, me thinks. I will pray for you and your intentions and problems.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Would he be willing to try Retrouville? Meanwhile, you need to make sure your assets are protected for both yourself and your child.

You need to remember that your child needs at least ONE sane parent that puts THEIR interests before their own. A child deserves two, but I grew up with only one and my brother’s children have sometimes had only one sane Auntie (currently they have one sane parent, which is GREAT). My point is, you have to be willing to calm down and tell him that you are not comfortable with getting a divorce until every possible avenue for reconcilliation is explored and attempted - and you do not want to do that for HIM or even for yourself, but for GOD and for your daughter.

I am going to keep you in my prayers. I am so very sorry.
 
Absolutely talk to your priest and keep going to Mass and receive the Sacraments.

You also need to talk to an attorney so you know your rights. You do not need to take legal action. You just need to know what you can expect so you are not broadsided. You need to look at your finances too and understand what money you have and your debts. All this will help you even though you probably don’t want to do it.

Stay close to Christ.
 
Are you familiar with Retrouvaille? They have a sort of “Marriage 911” program and have helped couples in all stages save their marriage. Their website is retrouvaille.org/ and you can search for the program nearest you, or else call the number listed on their webpage.
 
I have no productive answers, but please know that I am praying for you! :grouphug::console::signofcross:
 
Thank you for your kind replies. I will hopefully talk to our sister on Sunday after church. My husband would not be interested in Retrouvaille (sp?) and I know that nothing close by is coming up till the end of the summer (already looked). I will be talking to sister about getting a therapist as well. I told my husband that we should go to counseling at least for our daughter’s sake. We will need to learn how to co-parent and communicate way better than we have.

His ex-wife was the one who divorced him and the funny part is, he did everything he could to try and make that one work. I think she really burned him. They have just recently been able to be civil with each other and I think they’ve been apart for like 10 years now.

One of our biggest fights is over me going back to work. I have looked and there has been nothing worthwhile for me to go back to work lately after considering daycare costs, etc. Obviously if we divorce I’ll have to get something regardless. It scares me to think how I will be able to support me and my daughter even with a little bit of child support.

I do have a separate checking account but most of our stuff is joint. I am very clear about our finances because I am the only one that handles them. He is in for a huge adjustment if he has to learn to do all this by himself.

I need to talk to my doctor to get my anxiety medicine adjusted. I am on very low dose anxiety medicine directly because of these problems and know that it won’t be enough. I need to be strong for my daughter and it is so hard.

My whole world is coming apart. I can’t imagine being single the rest of my life, having no more children, being a single parent, losing my home and my in laws and my stepchildren and what this will do to my daughter but most of all, I don’t want to lose my husband. I am unhappy and I know our problems are very real but I still love him so much and can’t imagine my life without him.

Any more advice is very welcome and I’m willing to answer any questions and elaborate.

Thanks!

Jessica in Indiana
 
mccartyj said:
Thank you for your kind replies. I will hopefully talk to our sister on Sunday after church. My husband would not be interested in Retrouvaille (sp?) and I know that nothing close by is coming up till the end of the summer (already looked). I will be talking to sister about getting a therapist as well. I told my husband that we should go to counseling at least for our daughter’s sake. We will need to learn how to co-parent and communicate way better than we have.

His ex-wife was the one who divorced him and the funny part is, he did everything he could to try and make that one work. I think she really burned him. They have just recently been able to be civil with each other and I think they’ve been apart for like 10 years now.

One of our biggest fights is over me going back to work. I have looked and there has been nothing worthwhile for me to go back to work lately after considering daycare costs, etc. Obviously if we divorce I’ll have to get something regardless. It scares me to think how I will be able to support me and my daughter even with a little bit of child support.

I do have a separate checking account but most of our stuff is joint. I am very clear about our finances because I am the only one that handles them. He is in for a huge adjustment if he has to learn to do all this by himself.

I need to talk to my doctor to get my anxiety medicine adjusted. I am on very low dose anxiety medicine directly because of these problems and know that it won’t be enough. I need to be strong for my daughter and it is so hard.

My whole world is coming apart. I can’t imagine being single the rest of my life, having no more children, being a single parent, losing my home and my in laws and my stepchildren and what this will do to my daughter but most of all, I don’t want to lose my husband. I am unhappy and I know our problems are very real but I still love him so much and can’t imagine my life without him.

Any more advice is very welcome and I’m willing to answer any questions and elaborate.

Thanks!

Jessica in Indiana
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One step at a time. Try not to think about the rest of your life right now. Just do the next right thing. That sounds like getting your anxiety calmed down is that next right thing. I know what it’s like to try and think clearly when anxious. It’s impossible.

Make sure your husband cannot close any accounts without your signature. That has happened to many a spouse while they were in shock. The spouse that wanted to leave went and cleaned out the entire checking/savings account and the person suddenly had NOTHING. Go to the bank and just verify and tell them that there may be a separation and that no one can freeze accounts either.

I would get legal advice, if my husband said he wanted to leave. I would get immediate legal counsel, and know my rights, and then I would feel confident enough to negotiate. There have been times in my life when I thought, “If he wanted out, I wouldn’t care what happened,” but now I know that half of what we have created together is rightfully mine, and I would not sacrifice that, because I have worked for it. You should not sacrifice either.

If he is determined to leave, do not give him a divorce. Tell him that a separation is all you will agree to at this time, but with counseling because you have a child together. Does he have children with his first wife?

I will add you to my prayers.
 
Dear Jessica, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I have been through a divorce and you are correct, it is devastating. If you can avoid it for your daughter’s sake, and learn to get along, that would be ideal.
You say that you have big fights over your going back to work, and other issues. That’s a clue that both of you would benefit by counseling. There is no reason for adults to have “big fights.” You are both grown ups, not teenagers, and need to learn to discuss things calmly. Having a big fight in front of your daughter, which probably scared her to death, is not mature, it’s very childish.
You must learn, both of you, how to disagree respectfully and talk about important things without yelling, name-calling, or disrespect. Think how you would talk to a respected bishop or a senator, or your supervisor at work, if you had a disagreement. That is how a husband and wife should talk to each other. Learning that skill might solve many of your problems.

There are rules about fighting for married couples. Here is one list::voices.yahoo.com/how-fight-spouse-5-ground-rules-save-211579.html. You must learn these rules. Once you are adult enough to discuss things rationally, will be time enough to talk about divorce.
Of course, your husband may refuse to go to a counselor, or refuse to act like an adult. My ex-husband was mentally ill and could not change. If you have some such reason, it is better for you and your child to be out of the marriage. But if there’s any chance of saving it, I pray that you will be able to.
God bless.
 
Jessica,

I’m so sorry to hear this sad news. I agree with a previous post that said don’t project future issues and problems. You have enough on your plate today without worrying about all the “what ifs”.

Starting with your parish priest or the Sister is a great start. Know that you are not carrying this cross alone, Jesus is walking with you.

Praying for you and your family.
 
Do you know why he wants you to go back to work?

Have you showed him your reasons? I don’t mean just tell him but showed him what various places are charging for daycare and what various of jobs are offering for pay?

Why not start sitting down with your husband and talking to him about the family money? I know often one spouse starts taking over the bill paying because it is easiest. But there is a big disconnect between getting the paycheck and not having say where the money goes. He should be involved in that discussion.

Honestly, if it were my husband fighting about me having a job I’d brush up on my resume and start applying. Go to interviews if you get a job offer sit down and discuss everything with him. If I take this, how does it change our family budget? If I take this, who is going to care for our daughter? If I take this, how will we split the household chores?

I don’t necessarily see something wrong with you taking a job and trying it out. Maybe it’ll be better than you think or maybe your husband will realize “yeah, this isn’t worth it.” (Please note don’t take a job that is obviously below your skill set…your husband won’t see this as you trying but instead just trying to make him be quiet 🙂

I know a lot of people advocate the mother should be able to stay home if she wants too but I really think it should be a family decision. If staying at home is making your husband want to walk out the door, what’s the harm in trying to find a job and trying it that way? Maybe you can make a deal with him- “Honey, I’ll take this job because I know it is important to you. But I’m still not sure how all of this is going to work out. I’d like to revisit this in (6 months, a year, etc) so we can see if this is working out for us.”

I hope this helps. Good luck!
 
Lots of great replies! Thank you!

First, my husband and I do not have knock down screaming matches. We’ve never screamed at each other and we generally do not call names. Well, he is more mature than me in this aspect and I have called him an a-hole occassionally, mostly just jerk. I start to cuss very mildly when I get frustrated and aggravated and don’t know what else to say. I know that I do not argue like an adult. We have always had problems when we disagreed and tried to avoid it as much as possible. I hate that we have done this in front of our daughter. She mostly gets upset because I cry. I am terribly emotional and don’t know how to control it, never have.

The working thing sucks big time! He honestly makes enough money now even after paying child support for his two other kids but he doesn’t think it’s enough. He thinks that I don’t have drive to financially better ourselves. We do not have the same goals or the same mindset when it comes to money. I made a lot mistakes in the past with jobs and our money and he has never forgiven me.

It’s been 2.5 years since I have worked and then it was part-time jobs making minimum wage at a few different jobs for a couple years. It has been over 4 years since I had a good steady job. He thinks I can just pick up and get a job like that again. Where we live, I will be lucky to make $10. After childcare, gas and extra expenses of working, I don’t think it will amount to much, especially for the stress it will cause. Obviously that point is now moot, because if he divorces me, I have to get a job regardless. It terrifies how I will be able to support me and my daughter considering he thinks we have problems making it off his $22 an hour.

Me and my daughter went out of town for the night and spent the day at the children’s museum today. I couldn’t be in the house and needed to distract myself. When I start to think about it, I start to cry and all these thoughts start filling my mind.

I’m hoping church will help me a little bit tomorrow.

Jessica in Indiana
 
StarFireKK said:
Why not start sitting down with your husband and talking to him about the family money? I know often one spouse starts taking over the bill paying because it is easiest. But there is a big disconnect between getting the paycheck and not having say where the money goes. He should be involved in that discussion.

!
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I’ve tried to involve him with the money. He doesn’t want anything to do with it. Of course, he should have a say in it. Until recently, it’s been bills, food and gas and he gets $200 a month to spend how he pleases (which he always goes over). There hasn’t been a lot of extra money to decide where it should go.

Jessica
 
mccartyj said:
I’ve tried to involve him with the money. He doesn’t want anything to do with it. Of course, he should have a say in it. Until recently, it’s been bills, food and gas and he gets $200 a month to spend how he pleases (which he always goes over). There hasn’t been a lot of extra money to decide where it should go.

Jessica
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Hi Jessica, it sounds like a tough situation for you- I’ll keep you and your daughter you my prayers.

I can understand how frustrating it is to try to get a husband involved in the money matters when he doesn’t want to be. When we were first married, my husband made a joke to a cashier in the store that he didn’t have a clue where our money went and just paid whatever I told him to pay. I think he was trying to be funny but I was so mad at him because it was his choice we handled our money that way.

After that he didn’t have a choice any more because I kept him updated. I told him “Honey, the gas bill was $100 this month, that is $20 more than last month. After buying the food for the week we have x amount in our checking account.” I also wrote down all our utilities for each month and handed him the sheet.

I might have gone overboard but the comments and jokes he was starting to make about our money issues stopped. My theory is he felt disconnected from the process but didn’t know how to ask for information without me feeling he wasn’t trusting me to take care of the matter. (Which to be fair…probably would’ve been what I thought.)

I hope it helps but of course you know your situation better than anyone. Again good luck!
 
Jessica,

You can do it, if need be. Millions of women have before you. You are capable, it is not ideal but not the end of the world.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please watch the money and check, if you can, the cell, computer sites visited. He may be into porn or having an affair. I don’t know- but you will need evidence if he goes forward with divorce.

Also, his ex wanted a divorce, but why? Did he cheat, or emotionally abuse her?

Will pray for you.
 
My heart breaks for you. Please know that I am praying for you and your family. Good luck and God bless you.
 
Hi Jessica. I’m very sorry that you’re going through this right now. I also am in a fight to save my marriage.

My husband has mentioned divorce several times the past 8 months. We’ve been married almost 9 years. We always reconcile and very recently finally had our marriage Convalidated. A few months later, he’s not happy again and I’m the culprit.

What I’ve learned is all my crying, begging, pleading, reasoning, and affection has only pushed him further away. Men don’t like needy women. It’s too much for them to handle. I don’t know if you’re like me, but I’m learning the hard way.

Originally his wanting to leave was “its not you, its me” story. Now, he says I’m suffocating and draining the life from him. I’m very angry at myself for letting him have such a control on my happiness. I do know I’m not the sole source of our issues.

My #1 goal through all this is to be strong. When he calls, I don’t want him to know the torment and misery he’s putting me through. If I can manage to keep my emotions in check, the main things I want to relay to him is I **don’t **want a divorce, I’ll settle on separation if necessary, I’ll work on my issues as he works on his, and continuing going to Church is an absolute must for us both. I want him to know that this isn’t entirely his fault and I’m to blame too. But divorce isn’t the answer.

I’m hopeful he’ll receive my “compromise” but I can’t let myself get too hurt if he does not. Perhaps something like this would help your situation.

I’m going to meet with my Priest this week to get his guidance / advice. I’ll pass along any recommendations he provides.

Please pray for me as I’ll pray for you. :o
 
bonvivantHermit said:
Jessica,

You can do it, if need be. Millions of women have before you. You are capable, it is not ideal but not the end of the world.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please watch the money and check, if you can, the cell, computer sites visited. He may be into porn or having an affair. I don’t know- but you will need evidence if he goes forward with divorce.

Also, his ex wanted a divorce, but why? Did he cheat, or emotionally abuse her?

Will pray for you.
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Thank you. I always watch the money, it’s my job. I don’t have access to his work savings account but I know exactly how much goes in there and it’s for his personal expenses (like cigarettes and drinks, etc). He doesn’t ever get on my computer. I would love to check his cell but he always has it on him. I’m not sure where it’s at when he’s sleeping.

He tells me that he is not cheating or at least has in the past. I believe him to a point but because of everything, I have my doubts. He used to watch porn and even kind of looked at it on our old computer until I told him he had to stop because it put a virus on our computer. Back before we were Christians and even a little after (but before we converted to Catholicism) I watched porn with him. We haven’t watched it in a long time and had gotten rid of all of it.

Him and his ex divorced for a lot of reasons. I’ve read the divorce decree and know a lot of it isn’t true. She cheated on him and was not a very good person. She is still a selfish person but has improved a lot. Not to say he is free and clear. Even before they were married they were unable to stay together. They were a very volatile couple. They fought a lot and screamed and threw things. Thank goodness we do not fight like that. He says that he is a much calmer person and used to have anger issues as a teenager and a young adult. I know she did a number on him. She left him twice and it was while he was at work. Packed up the kids and the entire house and just left with no warning. Took all of his stuff.

Jessica in Indiana
 
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