Desperate Plea for Help! My husband wants a divorce!

[Luvz2travel]

What happened to first marriage? That may give you some clues. I’d protect myself if he’s speaking about leaving- check bank accounts/credit and be prepared. Who knows what will happen, but you want to make sure you are as prepared as you can be for worst.

Yes do this first. You have to think about providing for yourself and your daughter if he leaves and you should know what all the assets are.

 

[mccartyj]

Okay, apparently a lot went on on the forums while I was gone!

My husband is definitely not the only one at fault but he does have a lot of problems.

I’m not “faking it” as in an orgasm, just I used to pretend to enjoy doing certain things more than I really did. My husband is falling away from his Catholic faith at an extreme rate. To be said, I think he only converted for me. I don’t know how I would have reacted if he would have told me he didn’t want to convert. Can’t say what would happen in the past. Little back story, he is actually a revert. He was a cradle Catholic, fell away from the church as a young adult, we went to a Baptist church right before we were married, got baptized there and joined that church and about 1.5 years ago started going to the Catholic church and joined. While at the Baptist church, he had desires to start going back to the Catholic church. I took me awhile to agree. I had major doubts. Apparently, he just wanted to try out the church. Another thing we argued about. I said our faith is not like trying different flavors of ice cream. That could be a whole other post! He doesn’t agree with a lot about the Catholic faith and I don’t think he remembered anything from his childhood. He was just kind of there going through the motions.

He also said, “what are we supposed to do, never have sex again, because you won’t use birth control?” Me deciding not to use birth control is not just because I am Catholic. I was on birth control for 5 years before we were married. When I got off birth control I decided to never get on it again, because my body was so messed up because of it. I then learned about it’s abortificant properties. This was while I was at the Baptist church. I learned more about it once I became Catholic that reinforced my decision but I was not blindly following the “rules” of the Catholic church like my husband thinks. I said that if he wants to use a condom, I do not approve, but that’s between him and God.

He also does not believe NFP would work. It would be difficult because of my irregular cycles but not impossible. I am not a very fertile woman. I am not naturally the type of woman who gets pregnant on a regular basis.

Sorry for the book!

Jessica in Indiana

 

[mccartyj]

Firstly I’m a newly married Catholic man.

I’m going to try and give a different approach because there is a huge amount of man bashing going on here.

This is huge!!! You lied to your husband through your actions. The worst part is it was in the most intimate of ways.

That aside from what you’ve said throughout your posts to me your husband seems to be suffering from some internal issues. I think your husband needs to surround himself with some solid Catholic men and forge good trustworthy friendships that reinforces the notion of Catholic brotherhood.

I was a different person before I found Christ. I was also a different person before I converted to Catholicism. I think I enjoyed certain things to an extent but made the sacrifice to do them more than I enjoyed for my husband. Now my husband thinks I’m being selfish and just blindly doing what the church says. In terms of foreplay, my husband likes to be focused on in certain ways and pouts when I stop. He can also be very giving to me in those ways and we stopped just doing that (without the sex) when I learned it was wrong. He always asks, “why can’t we just fool around?”. Especially since he doesn’t want to get pregnant. He thinks he deserves certain amounts of attention on certain areas. Even before converting, I always enjoyed the sex part more than foreplay (I know, strange for a woman) but tried to do what pleased my husband.

It’s very hard for my husband because I changed so much when I found Christ. I used to be promiscous (sp?) and me and my husband had sex all the time, everywhere. I drank too much and that was part of it too. I used to wear much more revealing clothes, etc. A lot of it started to change when we got married, I gained some weight, then I found Christ, we got pregnant, I had a baby and then we converted to Catholicism. I feel like he hasn’t changed much since all of this happened. He’s not happy with the changes in me.

I don’t know if that explains anything. I appreciate the male’s perspective. I wish he would have some good Catholic friends, he works all the time and I know the influences from work are not the best.

Jessica

 

[mccartyj]

Jessica, this is not to make you feel bad, I’m just trying to show another poster that all the responsibility for the problems does not fall on your husband.

AthenaC, the name-calling is minor, but Jessica alluded to mistakes she has made with finances and jobs. We don’t know half of the story here. We know only what she’s told us. He might tell an entirely different story. I think they should see a counselor as soon as possible.

It does women no favors to paint us as the victims of men.

I definitely made my share of mistakes. I think my biggest one is not giving enough attention to my marriage. I’ve had a hard time balancing all of my duties and it was easy to let my marriage slide, considering my husband is never home.

I struggle immensely with laziness. I am tired all the time and struggle with managing my time. Me and my husband have very different work ethics. He is one of the hardest working people that I know. I do not have the same work ethic and never found a job that I really enjoyed. I struggled before having kids (I think I was impatient for having kids and being a SAHM). I knew I wanted to be a SAHM and just kind of forgot about everything else. I should have focused on paying off debt and setting aside money for when I did have children. I was very unsatisfied and depressed and inside of getting professional help made major life altering decisions that still haunt me now. My husband thinks, since I didn’t want to work now, that’s the only reason I really want to stay home. I think that’s low but I can understand how he feels this way.

Jessica in Indiana

 

[loozcannon]

Jess,

I think your situation warrants some advice from a professional, not a bunch of well-meaning forum posters!

Something to remember as well, YOU have to take action to cause change. We cannot do it for you. Your situation is a dire one indeed and there is room for improvement.

As the old addage goes “poop or get off the pot.” But remember, both of you need to be willing to fix it. If you both aren’t on board, you’re just going to be spinning your wheels. I know the Church teaches that married couples cannot simply “divorce,” however I know our loving God the Father does not want anyone of His children to be miserable either.

Get help. From the Church. From a therapist. Ultimately a pro.

We have a bunch of wonderful and caring people here who seem to be genuinely concerned and want to sincerely help you, thank the Lord! When it comes down to it though, this is only an internet forum.

That’s just my $.02. Take it or leave it.

Peace and God bless.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I definitely made my share of mistakes. I think my biggest one is not giving enough attention to my marriage. I’ve had a hard time balancing all of my duties and it was easy to let my marriage slide, considering my husband is never home.

I struggle immensely with laziness. I am tired all the time and struggle with managing my time. Me and my husband have very different work ethics. He is one of the hardest working people that I know. I do not have the same work ethic and never found a job that I really enjoyed. I struggled before having kids (I think I was impatient for having kids and being a SAHM). I knew I wanted to be a SAHM and just kind of forgot about everything else. I should have focused on paying off debt and setting aside money for when I did have children. I was very unsatisfied and depressed and inside of getting professional help made major life altering decisions that still haunt me now. My husband thinks, since I didn’t want to work now, that’s the only reason I really want to stay home. I think that’s low but I can understand how he feels this way.

Jessica in Indiana

We have a lot in common! My DH is a very driven person. He has told me that if he is idle for longer than 15 minutes, he starts feeling anxiety. He feels that he has to be productive ALL the time. He makes me tired just being around him! And he thinks I am lazy because I am not driven like he is. I never had a career, just jobs, although I started working before I was 15 and always supported myself. After I finally finished my useless degree in English, I had our 2nd son and stayed home to care for them and manage the home. From time to time, DH would get frustrated and say I was “wasting my potential” or something. I always knew my calling was to have children, and when I had them, I knew I was doing what God made me for. That was not wasting my potential at all.

Men these days are brought up to expect that women will also work. DH’s mom worked after his parents were divorced, yet she did everything for him and his brother, also a very energetic and driven person. I am nothing like his mom, I know my limits! It would have killed me to work full time and try to raise 2 boys. Of course his mom had to work and we have been able to live on DH’s salary and any job I have would not help the finances. I have done some substitute teaching over the years but even DH told me that it isn’t worth my time away from home (he knows I can’t do all the things I do for him if I am out of the house)!

If I understand correctly, your DH works a lot? He needs to acknowledge that when one parent is hardly there, the other one needs to be there for the kids, or they will have nothing, and no one. I think you guys just need to get on the same side of the problem and work something out where neither of you feels antagonistic against the other one. I can respect my DH and how he is so driven, but I think he still doesn’t really respect me. There’s still a whole lot of judgment from him about what I don’t get done in an average day. Well, here I am chatting with people on the internet when I do have stuff to do, so… he has a point!

 

[bonvivantHermit]

OK- thanks for the details. I don’t think I’d be that honest even anonymously! Sound like- he wants the marriage , but on his terms- esp. sexually and $$ wise.

It is hard to show him how good a solid Catholic family can be- you have to live it, to get it.
BUT prayer can help, and good examples. I would look for Catholic activities- Churches with lots of fun activities, stuff that shows him happy families interacting. Play Catholic radio around home so he hears church teaching.

He sound like a child having a fit b/c he’s not getting his way. Stick to your morals- but be kind to him. Make meals he likes, do things for him, show him in deeds your love. And go to a counselor - Catholic charities right away. But be careful they can be just as misguided about Church teaching.

 

[AthenaC]

Men these days are brought up to expect that women will also work. DH’s mom worked after his parents were divorced, yet she did everything for him and his brother, also a very energetic and driven person. I am nothing like his mom, I know my limits!

The economy as a whole is not set up for single-income families. The prices for most necessities like housing and food are high enough that a dual income is required to make ends meet in most cases. However, one CAN support a family on a single income, but people do have to get over the mental block that is “We HAVE to have two incomes!”

I agree that even if the second parent works, someone still has to have the house and kids as the primary responsibility, so that the logistics of the house and kids can be basically off the shoulders of the primary breadwinner. And so the kids know that they are a priority.

Different energy levels can be a struggle, and I have to constantly remind myself that just because my husband is lower energy than me (especially in the morning) it doesn’t mean he’s lazy. See, not so long ago I was in a situation where it was ALL me. College, toddler, nursing a baby, dropping at daycare, picking up from daycare, cooking, cleaning, homework … pure adrenaline because my very survival depended on doing everything. The survival instinct is uniquely motivating. Since we’re not in dire straits anymore, I have to remember that there really is no rush for my husband to do everything all at once.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I think your situation warrants some advice from a professional, not a bunch of well-meaning forum posters!

I’m going to leap back in here and second this.

OP, you and your husband have many, many serious issues that you need to hash through. None of us here have the capacity to help the both of you navigate the hard work you need to do. Only someone with the proper training in the proper setting can do that.

Luna

 

[mccartyj]

Jess,

I think your situation warrants some advice from a professional, not a bunch of well-meaning forum posters!

Something to remember as well, YOU have to take action to cause change. We cannot do it for you. Your situation is a dire one indeed and there is room for improvement.

As the old addage goes “poop or get off the pot.” But remember, both of you need to be willing to fix it. If you both aren’t on board, you’re just going to be spinning your wheels. I know the Church teaches that married couples cannot simply “divorce,” however I know our loving God the Father does not want anyone of His children to be miserable either.

Get help. From the Church. From a therapist. Ultimately a pro.

We have a bunch of wonderful and caring people here who seem to be genuinely concerned and want to sincerely help you, thank the Lord! When it comes down to it though, this is only an internet forum.

That’s just my $.02. Take it or leave it.

Peace and God bless.

Thank you. I understand completely! I have had that problem in the past. I love to research things and learn new things but I have a hard time putting things into action. I am currently looking for a job. I am in the process of trying to get my resume (or lack of one!) together and start looking at job sites. I’m terrified about re-entering the work force and being able to handle everything. I am terrified about leaving my daughter at a sitter and how she will react. I hate that I will only see her a few hours a night on top of having to take care of all the household duties that need to be done.

I will be talking to the Sister at our church tomorrow and see what her advice is. From there, I would like to talk to our priest, with or without my husband, and then start seeing a professional. We will see what happens from here.

Jessica

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I was a different person before I found Christ. I was also a different person before I converted to Catholicism. I think I enjoyed certain things to an extent but made the sacrifice to do them more than I enjoyed for my husband. Now my husband thinks I’m being selfish and just blindly doing what the church says. In terms of foreplay, my husband likes to be focused on in certain ways and pouts when I stop. He can also be very giving to me in those ways and we stopped just doing that (without the sex) when I learned it was wrong. He always asks, “why can’t we just fool around?”. Especially since he doesn’t want to get pregnant. He thinks he deserves certain amounts of attention on certain areas. Even before converting, I always enjoyed the sex part more than foreplay (I know, strange for a woman) but tried to do what pleased my husband.

It’s very hard for my husband because I changed so much when I found Christ. I used to be promiscous (sp?) and me and my husband had sex all the time, everywhere. I drank too much and that was part of it too. I used to wear much more revealing clothes, etc. A lot of it started to change when we got married, I gained some weight, then I found Christ, we got pregnant, I had a baby and then we converted to Catholicism. I feel like he hasn’t changed much since all of this happened. He’s not happy with the changes in me.

I don’t know if that explains anything. I appreciate the male’s perspective. I wish he would have some good Catholic friends, he works all the time and I know the influences from work are not the best.

Jessica

I didn’t read this response before I posted my last one. We really are rowing in the same boat!

Same thing happened to us except we never became Baptists.

One thing you can do, is get a Green Scapular, get it blessed, and hide it somewhere in his possessions (I put it under my husband’s side of the mattress). Then, pray to the Virgin Mary every day, “Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for (husband’s name) and for all of us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.” Mary will help our husbands regain their faith or convert.

The rules of the Church are hard enough to follow when both members of the marriage understand and support them, let alone when one spouse doesn’t believe in them and refuses to cooperate.

 

[loozcannon]

Thank you. I understand completely! I have had that problem in the past. I love to research things and learn new things but I have a hard time putting things into action. I am currently looking for a job. I am in the process of trying to get my resume (or lack of one!) together and start looking at job sites. I’m terrified about re-entering the work force and being able to handle everything. I am terrified about leaving my daughter at a sitter and how she will react. I hate that I will only see her a few hours a night on top of having to take care of all the household duties that need to be done.

I will be talking to the Sister at our church tomorrow and see what her advice is. From there, I would like to talk to our priest, with or without my husband, and then start seeing a professional. We will see what happens from here.

Jessica

Yes, all of that can be terribly frightening! Then you go an combine that with the stress you’re already going through. Not pretty.

I’ll be praying for you!

 

[mccartyj]

I went to talk to the Sister at our church today and it was interesting to say the least. It seems that she is not sure if my marriage can be saved. She thinks that possibly my DH does not love me anymore and not much can be done to change that. She even asked if my marriage was worth saving. Not very comforting. She wanted to know if I wanted to save my marriage because I was afraid of what would come after, or because I am truly in love with my husband and want my marriage to work. She did refer us to a marriage counselor. She left a message with her to call us.

If only I can get my husband to go with me. Now I have to talk to him about things tonight once he gets home and I’m terrified. I want to lay out some ground rules on how we will move forward.

So scared. Please pray!

Jessica in Indiana

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I went to talk to the Sister at our church today and it was interesting to say the least. It seems that she is not sure if my marriage can be saved. She thinks that possibly my DH does not love me anymore and not much can be done to change that. She even asked if my marriage was worth saving. Not very comforting. She wanted to know if I wanted to save my marriage because I was afraid of what would come after, or because I am truly in love with my husband and want my marriage to work. She did refer us to a marriage counselor. She left a message with her to call us.

If only I can get my husband to go with me. Now I have to talk to him about things tonight once he gets home and I’m terrified. I want to lay out some ground rules on how we will move forward.

So scared. Please pray!

Jessica in Indiana

Please, talk to a priest, hopefully you have a HOLY priest in your parish! This nun should not have focused in on the problems, she sounds like a secular counselor might!

Is the counselor through Catholic Charities? I would NOT see someone this nun recommended unless it was a Catholic counselor! And I am very serious!!

OF COURSE you can save your marriage - do not accept defeat! Here is another resource, and if you think things are on their last legs, you can get counseling for yourself and bring your husband back. This lady is secular but VERY against divorce.

Divorce Busting

 

[AthenaC]

I went to talk to the Sister at our church today and it was interesting to say the least. It seems that she is not sure if my marriage can be saved. She thinks that possibly my DH does not love me anymore and not much can be done to change that. She even asked if my marriage was worth saving. Not very comforting. She wanted to know if I wanted to save my marriage because I was afraid of what would come after, or because I am truly in love with my husband and want my marriage to work. She did refer us to a marriage counselor. She left a message with her to call us.

Grrr. /facepalm. Well that’s not very encouraging.

What if you asked your husband to give it one more try with you? No holds barred, 100% giving to each other for a set time, say 3 months. Put it on the calendar. Agree that if you both spend 3 months putting everything into your marriage and at the end of it he still wants to leave, you won’t stop him. But he has to give it 100% as well. If he doesn’t, D-Day (decision-day) gets pushed out. That way he has his light at the end of the tunnel (theoretically).

Go to counseling and agree on some ground rules - no cheap shots, no ignoring each other, no denying each other intimacy, but no taking stray comments personally (to avoid escalating). Date night once or twice a week to get to know each other again (even if it only means 30 minutes and a glass of wine after the kiddo is asleep).

Now hopefully after 3 months (or whatever) you guys will have rekindled something and will see the true potential in your marriage.

But if that doesn’t work, then you can’t keep trying to hold on after he’s already left and it probably is time to leave.

But let’s hope for the best.

 

[mccartyj]

Please, talk to a priest, hopefully you have a HOLY priest in your parish! This nun should not have focused in on the problems, she sounds like a secular counselor might!

Is the counselor through Catholic Charities? I would NOT see someone this nun recommended unless it was a Catholic counselor! And I am very serious!!

OF COURSE you can save your marriage - do not accept defeat! Here is another resource, and if you think things are on their last legs, you can get counseling for yourself and bring your husband back. This lady is secular but VERY against divorce.

Divorce Busting

Thank you. The counselor is a Catholic nun. I think I got a book from this lady. I’m trying to read it now.

Our nun is very practical and says she’s not an advocate of divorce but it does happen. I always have mixed feelings when I go to see her. We generally speak to her rather than our priest. Our priest is the priest for 2 different parishes so he is quite busy.

Jessica

 

[mccartyj]

Grrr. /facepalm. Well that’s not very encouraging.

What if you asked your husband to give it one more try with you? No holds barred, 100% giving to each other for a set time, say 3 months. Put it on the calendar. Agree that if you both spend 3 months putting everything into your marriage and at the end of it he still wants to leave, you won’t stop him. But he has to give it 100% as well. If he doesn’t, D-Day (decision-day) gets pushed out. That way he has his light at the end of the tunnel (theoretically).

Go to counseling and agree on some ground rules - no cheap shots, no ignoring each other, no denying each other intimacy, but no taking stray comments personally (to avoid escalating). Date night once or twice a week to get to know each other again (even if it only means 30 minutes and a glass of wine after the kiddo is asleep).

Now hopefully after 3 months (or whatever) you guys will have rekindled something and will see the true potential in your marriage.

But if that doesn’t work, then you can’t keep trying to hold on after he’s already left and it probably is time to leave.

But let’s hope for the best.

That is very encouraging advice. Thank you. That is a great idea. I would like very much to try that. Hopefully I can get my husband on board!

Jessica

 

[loozcannon]

Jessica,

I’ve just said a prayer for you and your husband.

God bless you.

 

[Debora123]

I am absolutely devastated right now! Me and my husband of almost 4 years have been in crisis for awhile. Last July, he finally told me how miserable and he was and was thinking about divorce. We kind of talked about it and he said that after the holidays we would discuss it more. Well the holidays came and went, then my daugthers birthday, then my grandma got sick and passed away, etc. We finally talked about it again last week because I brought something up. We got into a horrible fight in front of my daughter and he let me know that he still wanted a divorce. He is miserable and doesn’t think anything we do will change this. He finally brought it up again today before he left for work and it sounds like something he wants to do soon! I had no idea that he wanted it so soon and thought I had some time!

I have no idea what to do! I am destroyed right now! I left a VM for the sister at my parish church to talk to her again and hopefully set up a meeting with a priest maybe. His Catholic faith is fading and he has said that if we get divorced, he will leave the Catholic church. We converted last year. We have a 2 year old daughter and I stay home with her. This is his second marriage. I love him so much and don’t want to lose him! I know we have problems, many, and am unhappy too but I want to fix them not get a divorce!

Help please!

Jessica in Indiana

You should watch the movie “Fireproof” and read the book “Love Dare.”

If you love him and want to be with him, you can fight for your marriage. It takes a lot of humility and a lot of giving yourself over completely to the other person.

 

[mccartyj]

You should watch the movie “Fireproof” and read the book “Love Dare.”

If you love him and want to be with him, you can fight for your marriage. It takes a lot of humility and a lot of giving yourself over completely to the other person.

I have watched the movie “Fireproof” and love it! Excellent movie! I have not read the book though. I’ve tried still being nice and loving to him and he tells me not to. He says I’m acting like nothing is wrong. I tell him I know something is wrong but I still love him and I will still treat him in a loving way. It’s like he’s feeling guilty because I don’t hate him for what’s going on. It would be easier for him.

Jessica