emsher:
I have reason to believe God put me here for a reason today.
Your story sounds almost identical to my story from 10 years ago when I married my spouse. I won’t go into details, but let it suffice to say that your story is almost word-for-word verbatim exactly the same as mine.
It’s really hard to say what my wife
should have done back then. But what she
did was stick by my side. I know for a fact that God played the biggest role in me recovering. If it weren’t for Jesus finding me in the midst of my horribleness, and giving me comfort and showing me the way out of my own messes, and showing me an unusual amount of mercy, it’s very likely that I would either be in prison or dead right now.
This may not be what you’re looking for, but there
are some things I can tell you almost for certain:
- Your husband is absolutely not trying to change at all. He is definitely just getting you to not leave him, to not take his comfortable and familiar life style away. There may be a small amount of guilt over what he’s done, but it’s negligible. He’s way more interested in just keeping things the same as they are now. He wants to eat good food, watch entertaining shows and movies, play entertaining video games, and do whatever he wants, without a thought for anyone else. Even when he plays with his children, it’s only because he wants to do it to make himself happy.
- Your husband is extremely deceived by Satan, the world, and the flesh. He has very little reason to stop his porn/masturbation habits, because he’s basically a hedonist, trying to maximize his pleasure intake. There is no thought in his mind at any time, trying to do God’s will, or reach Heaven. It never crosses his mind.
- The violence will almost definitely continue, and probably get worse. I say this so confidently because he’s clearly not putting himself in his children’s and your shoes. He’s so self-absorbed that he can’t take a far enough step away from himself to realize that a grown man hitting an infant literally does nothing constructive to solve the problem at all, and only serves to satisfy his own anger. Again, I say this from pure experience, but even so, it doesn’t take more than a little common sense to see that he’s blinded by selfishness and fear of anything at all disrupting his comfortable lifestyle.
- You don’t have to stay or leave permanently, you can leave temporarily (“separate”) until he fully proves that he has changed. But that will be very tough to judge, because he will do everything in his power to try to convince you that he’s changed, without the thought “maybe I’m the problem” even crossing his mind. Instead he’ll be secretly blaming you and everyone else for as long as he allows himself to be deceived by demons about this. Honestly it could be months or even years before he finally realizes that it’s him who needs to change.
- You are an angel. (Obviously not literally.) I am absolutely amazed at your perseverance, patient, kindness, gentleness, love. You remind me so much of how my wife was when we were first together, and it breaks my heart to read how unjust your situation is, and furthers my own repentance. But I am amazed, very seriously amazed at how firm you are in your moral values, and how morally upright you are, and how clearly you see. But don’t give in to naivety. We are told to be as wise as serpents but as innocent as doves. So although you must do the right thing, be aware of what’s really going on in your husband’s evil-filled mind and heart.
The story of Monica and Augustine comes to mind, because she prayed for him earnestly, but it was
over a decade later that he finally truly changed. By no means am I suggesting that you either stay or leave based on this story, just giving an example of a similar situation. If your husband does change, it will only be by the grace of God, and through constant prayer. And it may take a long time, or it may be quick.
Obviously I could be wrong about a lot of this. I’m making a lot of bold assertions here about someone I have never met and only heard briefly about. But as I said, your story is so absolutely familiar, that I fully believe with full confidence that what I’m saying are very close to, if not exactly, the case.
I send this message with prayers that God grants you discernment about your situation, patience with your husband, and an abundance of faith, hope, and love.
EDIT
One more more thing. Your psychiatrist is very wrong, your instincts were right. Abandon him immediately. He is very skewed by evil. St. Francis de Sales said in his book Introduction to the Devout Life, that when we seek spiritual guidance, we should entrust ourselves to a priest full of knowledge, prudence, and charity (love), and that if any of these are lacking, there is danger. Now you’re not even talking about a priest, or anyone who is affiliated with God, so how much greater the danger when any of these are lacking! (And they clearly are.)
Kept my addiction hidden for years until I was careless one day. Best thing that happened to me for sure, but suffice to say that my wife had no idea whatsoever until she stumbled across it. So, basically, it works.