Diane,
You have become Joe’s “rock”. You are his foundation, his link to everything that he has known. Yes, it is a stress on you, but even this test has come your way for a Heavenly reason. Everything you have suffered is for Heavenly gain. This life is short and imperfect, but concentrate on the next, eternal and perfect life. Do not become distracted by this world, as Peter did when walking on water, or you too will feel as though you are drowning. No matter how you suffer, focus like a laser beam on Christ, who suffered more. Call out to Him, “Lord, save me!” as Peter did, and Christ will immediately reach out to you. **(Matthew 14:25-32) **
Joe is experiencing an entire range of things, both physical and psychological at this time. You are his spouse for a good reason. Your faith is being tested, it is not absent or broken. Consider that Joe is living under new rules, as I do. Everything that applied to his life before is gone, replaced by the new. Do we like the new rules? No! But, we live by them, as to submit to them is to fulfill God’s desire for our lives.
Joe is alive only through the treatment which torments him. Many are the side effects of cancer treatment. The side effect of cancer is death. No matter how he seems to suffer, he is also being tested and strengthened through this. God sees the end result of this and is pleased. You and Joe, who cannot see that far ahead, labor away in doubt and confusion. When you feel the most alone is when God is closest to you. Instead of shutting down and closing your eyes, open up and plead for mercy and strength. He will never disappoint you.
Continuing in prayer for the two of you.
May the peace of Christ dwell in you.