I come from a strict catholic family. My dad raised all of his children to not only believe in God, but to understand its apologetics. To that end, and to, I’m certain, some of his own ends as well, he even runs a public access catholic tv show in his basement.
So it was a real blow when I left the church as a young adult, about a decade ago. He chalked it up to youthful indiscretion, assuming I would eventually come back, but I’m now in my mid-twenties and the outlook is bleak. However, I did not come to this forum to engage anyone in a religious debate. We all believe what we believe for our own reasons. I’m sure you don’t care why I’m an atheist. I mean, I hardly care.
I came to this forum seeking advice.
Last year, I joined the AmeriCorps and moved across the country with my girlfriend. My dad, trying to head us off at the pass, tried to convince me not to move in with her. Well, clearly he hadn’t ever tried to live on a volunteer’s stipdend. It was the perfect situation. We could split the cost of a one-bedroom apartment, a luxury volunteers outside of committed relationships could not afford. And one that proved necessary. I don’t know how we could have made it had we not been able to cut that extra one to two hundred dollars off our monthly expenses.
At the same time, of course, we wanted to move in together. We wanted to see how well we would work together, day-in and day-out. It was an opportunity to experience life together without the incredible and daunting commitment of marriage. As atheists, we saw nothing wrong with this. On the contrary, we felt it was the responsible thing to do.
My dad, however, did not share our opinion. This is where things began turning nasty. He cut me off financially (which was fine, I’m really not complaining about this), and began making my “sinful” lifestyle a regular topic of conversation.
It’s gotten to the point where I have a difficult time talking to him about anything beyond the logistical elements of my life, like what my plans are, where I’m moving, what grad school I’m going to attend, etc. We don’t seem to be able to connect on any real level anymore.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it if I thought all it was going to take to patch things up was marriage. After this wonderful year with my girlfriend, marriage seems almost inevitable. We both still feel we’re too young to make that life long decision, but I imagine we’re just a few short years away.
My fear is that when we do get married, my dad will find something else morally wrong with me. Even if he doesn’t, I can already see the confrontation that will develop should I ever have children. I don’t want us to spend the rest of our relationship squabbling over religious matters.
I understand it hurts him to believe that when he is in heaven, I will be in hell, but it hurts me to think, as a result of our religious differences, we can’t have a meaningful relationship while we’re both still alive.
My reason for coming to this board is to solicit the perspectives of catholics in situations similar to my father’s. I realize my perspective is only one half of this equation. I would like to understand the remaining half.
I would also like to ask your advice. Is there anything I can do to get beyond this with my dad? I understand that is probably a question only the two of us can answer, but, if you’re feeling generous, please put yourself in this situation and share your thoughts.
If anything you will understand more about where he is coming from.