DH doesn't see what I do as "work"

[mt_gooseberry]

I stay at home and care for our kids and home. My DH refuses to see this as work. Here is some of what I do: Nurse the baby all night and throughout the day, feed baby food for meals, prepare and feed toddler meals, clean house while entertaining and comforting children, laundry, dishes (by hand), change all diapers (DH refuses to), prepare dinner almost every night from scratch (he refuses to eat anything pre-prepared), brush toddler’s teeth, help toddler use bathroom, take kids to all dr. appointments, take baby to physical and occupational therapy (which is 1+hr drive to and from) every other week, get all groceries (with kids in tow), do all banking/bill paying, get kids up and dressed every morning, put kids to bed every night, run all errands, make all phone calls, bathe children, clean up after cooking and meals, take care of kids when sick, get kids loaded and unloaded from car, and more more more. My DH does nothing with regards to the kids, not even change diapers. I don’t even get to sleep, shower, or use the bathroom alone. I literally never stop. I am typing with a baby in arms. I have no friends. I have no hobbies. I have given up everything, willingly, for our family. I didn’t even get a week off after my last birth. I got two days. He thinks I have a permanent weekend. What can I do to validate myself for him? Make him realize I work just as hard (if not harder) than he does? I’m starting to hate my life, not because of what I do, but because the person who is most important to me doesn’t respect it.

 

[EasterJoy]

I stay at home and care for our kids and home. My DH refuses to see this as work. Here is some of what I do: Nurse the baby all night and throughout the day, feed baby food for meals, prepare and feed toddler meals, clean house while entertaining and comforting children, laundry, dishes (by hand), change all diapers (DH refuses to), prepare dinner almost every night from scratch (he refuses to eat anything pre-prepared), brush toddler’s teeth, help toddler use bathroom, take kids to all dr. appointments, take baby to physical and occupational therapy (which is 1+hr drive to and from) every other week, get all groceries (with kids in tow), do all banking/bill paying, get kids up and dressed every morning, put kids to bed every night, run all errands, make all phone calls, bathe children, clean up after cooking and meals, take care of kids when sick, get kids loaded and unloaded from car, and more more more. My DH does nothing with regards to the kids, not even change diapers. I don’t even get to sleep, shower, or use the bathroom alone. I literally never stop. I am typing with a baby in arms. I have no friends. I have no hobbies. I have given up everything, willingly, for our family. I didn’t even get a week off after my last birth. I got two days. He thinks I have a permanent weekend. What can I do to validate myself for him? Make him realize I work just as hard (if not harder) than he does? I’m starting to hate my life, not because of what I do, but because the person who is most important to me doesn’t respect it.

Ask him to ask around and find *one person *in your extended family who shares his attitude.

 

[vsedriver]

What can I do to validate myself for him? Make him realize I work just as hard (if not harder) than he does? I’m starting to hate my life, not because of what I do, but because the person who is most important to me doesn’t respect it.

Does your husband do anything to help after he comes home from work? Does he do anything to help on the weekends.?

Personally, I’d take two days off… still feed the kids and change diapers but leave the rest. No cooking, cleaning, laundry, don’t run any errands. Just kick back and let the kids play.

 

[trin40]

I remember feeling like you do when our kids were little . In the end I stopped looking for my husbands appreciation . I prayed to God for him to show me the love that I felt was missing. I tried to help myself instead. I joined play groups, a gym ( with a wonderful crèche) and also did some home study. I tried to be the best mum i could be .Our boys are now teenagers and I have a really good marriage. I think our partners are never going to be everything we want them to be . Mine is a wonderful provider and great in lots of ways and i love him dearly. Sorry to be so defeatist good luck and love yourself as well as your family

 

[LilyM]

Does your husband do anything to help after he comes home from work? Does he do anything to help on the weekends.?

Personally, I’d take two days off… still feed the kids and change diapers but leave the rest. No cooking, cleaning, laundry, don’t run any errands. Just kick back and let the kids play.

If it were me I’d make him do EVERYTHING you do. Including feeding (from a bottle in his case if need be) and changing diapers if you normally do that as well.

 

[Robertanthony]

I stay at home and care for our kids and home. My DH refuses to see this as work. Here is some of what I do: Nurse the baby all night and throughout the day, feed baby food for meals, prepare and feed toddler meals, clean house while entertaining and comforting children, laundry, dishes (by hand), change all diapers (DH refuses to), prepare dinner almost every night from scratch (he refuses to eat anything pre-prepared), brush toddler’s teeth, help toddler use bathroom, take kids to all dr. appointments, take baby to physical and occupational therapy (which is 1+hr drive to and from) every other week, get all groceries (with kids in tow), do all banking/bill paying, get kids up and dressed every morning, put kids to bed every night, run all errands, make all phone calls, bathe children, clean up after cooking and meals, take care of kids when sick, get kids loaded and unloaded from car, and more more more. My DH does nothing with regards to the kids, not even change diapers. I don’t even get to sleep, shower, or use the bathroom alone. I literally never stop. I am typing with a baby in arms. I have no friends. I have no hobbies. I have given up everything, willingly, for our family. I didn’t even get a week off after my last birth. I got two days. He thinks I have a permanent weekend. What can I do to validate myself for him? Make him realize I work just as hard (if not harder) than he does? I’m starting to hate my life, not because of what I do, but because the person who is most important to me doesn’t respect it.

Okay, apart from work what does your husband does do for you or his family (meaning you and the kids)? How long can you hold out like that before you get burned out? This isn’t a healthy way to live. You must be absolutely drained physically when your head hits the pillow and drained emotionally because of your husband’s (I would drop the “d” at this point) lack of appreciation. You need friends, you need hobbies, you need time outside the home, your dear children will be way better off with a mom who is fulfilled and energized by having pleasant contacts with friends and hobbies. Your husband being left with the kids a couple of hours 2-3 times/week will have the scales from his eyes removed pretty quickly. It’s childish of him not to want to change diapers. Anyway he’ll have to get over his dirty diaper phobia if he’s gonna be alone with the kids. Good luck.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I agree with coming up with some sort of way to get him to do all the work for at least a couple days each week until he finally understands just how much work it is. I had a similar situation when I first got married, although in addition to the housework, meals, yard work, parenting and handyman work, I was also working 60-80+ hours each week between two jobs, and would often work a 10 hour shift, come home and make dinner, pick up, etc., then rush off to my second job for 4-6 hours, then come home and finish the housework. My wife was out of work at the time which made it even more frustrating. We finally reached a more equitable arrangement, but I had to go through all manner of persuasion to get to that point, including forcing her to do all the work for a period so she’d understand how difficult it really was (nothing mean or coercive on my part–I just picked up a ridiculous number of extra hours so I was never home long enough to do anything other than eat, sleep and shower).

 

[Sapphiregirl]

Coming from someone who can never see herself being a housewife, you definitely are working, and what I would do is plop your kids in front of your husband one day when he’s not at work, tell him you were running some “errands”, and go have a spa day. See then if he calls what you do “not working”.

 

[Trishie]

My husband thought (and did, and didn’t do) as your husband does.
He also left all care of the children and home to me.
I never was able to convince him I wasn’t 'just swanning about."
I didn’t go out with friends or have them in (or out) to lunch or coffee. I even cut my own hair, so no hairdresser.

I think there may be some resentment involved, because he finds work and the work routine stressful. Some spouses think in-black-and-white terms and aren’t open to being convinced, partly because, included in their judgement, may be resentment that to some extent you can control a few short periods of your day, but he feels trapped by travel and work that only stresses and frustrates him. He may also resent that he is forced to work for all the income needs, as you are occupied with young children, and so the whole burden of earning falls upon him. He wouldn’t be the first spouse who sees worth as being measured by income.

I never was able to persuade my husband to be more understanding, but the children grew up! I was able to find a way to earn some income as they grew older.

Just do the best you can, I think, and hard as it can be with little ones causing chaos, as they leave babyhood encourage them to tidy after themselves, as an interesting process giving them praise when they help,
and try to keep things as neat and on time as you can…if you’re married to someone who simply cannot be convinced.
You can try to convince him, but are more likely just to hurt yourself on him and have useless arguments that upset you and only make him angry. It’s a joint issue, something to balance out with kindness and understanding

He may see himself as the victim of the situation.
And in his view this is serious. If your husband is a driven person, like my husband was, stress can build up to a level where he is angry and frustrated with you and the children increasingly.
This culminated in my husband having a serious stress breakdown. Such is possible where men are perfectionist and driven, and achievement oriented, your husband may be 'achievement oriented." Unless there are results of tangible and practical achievement (eg income), for him at work, and in you as a spouse (and mothering and house management don’t apply for some husbands) then he remains angry and resentful.

Once in a while I could have twenty minutes with a chapter and a coffee if I gave surrounded my children with their toys and some snacks, and some moments helped to sustain me…even though I had this luxury on a rare occasion and before long was required to referee.

I hope for better things to come for you.
My husband has never really recovered from his breakdown, but he is kinder and more gentle and I devote much care to helping him through his fractured life.

 

[LucyLight]

I’m stuck on the fact that he will not change diapers. This just seems ridiculously stubborn. There is no way I would accept that from my husband.That would mean that If I got away for even an hour and my child needed changed that he would just let her sit in it. Moreover, that would mean that I could not leave my child alone with her own father.

In my limited life experience, when I’ve heard of a spouse who acted like your husband its because they are a combination of clueless/selfish and the other spouse is a push-over. I’m not calling you that but asking if this could be part of the issue. I have a friend who’s husband seemed kind of like yours and part of the issue was that she never demanded anything differently. Of course your husband should know better and you shouldn’t have to ask. Unfortunately though with some people you have to demand and be persistent or they will not believe your sincerity. On the other hand, your husband could be fully aware of how his actions affect you and in that case you’ll need some professional counseling. Hope this helps

 

[anp1215]

I’m stuck on the fact that he will not change diapers. This just seems ridiculously stubborn. There is no way I would accept that from my husband.That would mean that If I got away for even an hour and my child needed changed that he would just let her sit in it. Moreover, that would mean that I could not leave my child alone with her own father.

In my limited life experience, when I’ve heard of a spouse who acted like your husband its because they are a combination of clueless/selfish and the other spouse is a push-over. I’m not calling you that but asking if this could be part of the issue. I have a friend who’s husband seemed kind of like yours and part of the issue was that she never demanded anything differently. Of course your husband should know better and you shouldn’t have to ask. Unfortunately though with some people you have to demand and be persistent or they will not believe your sincerity. On the other hand, your husband could be fully aware of how his actions affect you and in that case you’ll need some professional counseling. Hope this helps

That’s what gets me too. Not changing the diapers of YOUR OWN CHILD??? What the what??

 

[trin40]

Interesting to read the many posts who say you should stick up for yourself. One thing I did do was get him to iron his own shirts after he was never happy with my ironing !!! I do think you have to be careful when considering going on strike etc. Husbands (if they think they are in the right) are also very good at playing games and can suddenly have to stay at work until late and then you are worse off than ever. Also the ones that will suffer in game playing is your children . For me what hurt the most was the lack of appreciation and you can’t make someone appreciate what you do. My husband is also a perfectionist and he is as hard on himself as everyone else in his life. Now I am back at work full time and we split everything 50 /50 and everyone is happy so there is hope

 

[Gardenman]

I say let him trade places with you for ONE WEEK.
If he has any brains in his head, he’ll get a major wake up call.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.

 

[boomerang]

Go online and figure out what it would cost to hire someone to do everything you do. Figure everything: cook, chauffeur, nanny, home health aide, shopping assistant, housekeeper and wet nurse. If you are still sleeping with him, figure the cost of a “lady of the evening”. They can be expensive! Seriously. Then hit him with a bill for, let’s say, two weeks of services. Then tell him you are going back to work, and he needs to pay an army of people to do all this so you can get out there and do “real” work. Then tell him that everyone on Catholic Answers thinks he’s a jerk, but are too polite to come out with it. Or you can wait until he has some vacation time, and then go visit your parents (or someone), leaving the kids with him. I feel bad you’re going through this. You really need a break! :sad_yes:

 

[Viki63]

The trouble with a lot of guys is they really don’t see the work that needs doing. My husband can sit in the middle of a living room that’s a disaster area, and look around vacantly and say, “what needs doing?” if I mention it.
You might leave him alone with the babies for an hour, he would feed and change them and ignore the rest, leave dishes for later, not worry about vacuuming or cleaning, and feel that he’d proved it’s easy.
Have you tried talking with him about the high demands of doing all that you do? Then asking him to hold down the fort while you go out with friends, or to Adoration or shopping alone for 2 hours?
Perhaps he would be willing to help out so you can have some stress relief.

 

[Kelfa28]

The trouble with a lot of guys is they really don’t see the work that needs doing. My husband can sit in the middle of a living room that’s a disaster area, and look around vacantly and say, “what needs doing?” if I mention it.
You might leave him alone with the babies for an hour, he would feed and change them and ignore the rest, leave dishes for later, not worry about vacuuming or cleaning, and feel that he’d proved it’s easy.
Have you tried talking with him about the high demands of doing all that you do? Then asking him to hold down the fort while you go out with friends, or to Adoration or shopping alone for 2 hours?
Perhaps he would be willing to help out so you can have some stress relief.

This is so true!
Yesterday, while I was getting dinner situated and our daughter was napping, I asked hubby if he wouldn’t mind clearing some of the clutter in the living room.
His response…“what clutter?”

Seriously?
You don’t see the two used bottles on the couch, the car seat and diaper bag in the middle of the floor, the mail that still needs to be sorted, the couple of cans of sprite that needs to be in the recycle bin, that dirty plate with the cookie crumbs on the mantle?

He did clean after I had pointed out everything that needed clearing.

I really can’t complain though because my husband is fabulous with our kid…he just doesn’t clean up that much.
I’ve put him in a situation where he has to clean sometimes. We cloth diaper and I pump exclusively…therefore laundry and dishes must be done or he will be scrambling to get stuff accomplished with a very, VERY unhappy baby.
Best to get stuff done ahead of time…

Hubby gets it…mostly because I get far less sleep then he does…he’ll complain how tired he is and I just give him a look and that look will shut him up fairly quickly.

I don’t know how you cope…I really don’t. If it were me I’d be a horrible person to live with if my husband acted the way yours does…I’d be in confession every single week.
The no changing diapers and insisting on fully prepared meals every night?
No, not happening…at all.
I’m not my husband’s slave.

 

[petitfleur]

I remember feeling like you do when our kids were little . In the end I stopped looking for my husbands appreciation . I prayed to God for him to show me the love that I felt was missing. I tried to help myself instead. I joined play groups, a gym ( with a wonderful crèche) and also did some home study. I tried to be the best mum i could be .Our boys are now teenagers and I have a really good marriage. I think our partners are never going to be everything we want them to be . Mine is a wonderful provider and great in lots of ways and i love him dearly. Sorry to be so defeatist good luck and love yourself as well as your family

This is more or less what I did too. We have four kids. I also had to remember that he feels an enormouse amount of pressure being our families only source of income. I need to appreciate the amount of work he does too.
My husband does appreciate things a bit more as time goes on. It’s an adjustment for everyone.

 

[maryjk]

If it were me I’d make him do EVERYTHING you do. Including feeding (from a bottle in his case if need be) and changing diapers if you normally do that as well.

I agree.

I think it is time for the OP to be sick.

“Sorry hubby, I can’t be your maid. I need to stay in bed. For 3 days. And keep the kids away from me. We wouldn’t want them to catch whatever I have.”

 

[Zosimus41]

I stay at home and care for our kids and home. My DH refuses to see this as work. Here is some of what I do: Nurse the baby all night and throughout the day, feed baby food for meals, prepare and feed toddler meals, clean house while entertaining and comforting children, laundry, dishes (by hand), change all diapers (DH refuses to), prepare dinner almost every night from scratch (he refuses to eat anything pre-prepared), brush toddler’s teeth, help toddler use bathroom, take kids to all dr. appointments, take baby to physical and occupational therapy (which is 1+hr drive to and from) every other week, get all groceries (with kids in tow), do all banking/bill paying, get kids up and dressed every morning, put kids to bed every night, run all errands, make all phone calls, bathe children, clean up after cooking and meals, take care of kids when sick, get kids loaded and unloaded from car, and more more more. My DH does nothing with regards to the kids, not even change diapers. I don’t even get to sleep, shower, or use the bathroom alone. I literally never stop. I am typing with a baby in arms. I have no friends. I have no hobbies. I have given up everything, willingly, for our family. I didn’t even get a week off after my last birth. I got two days. He thinks I have a permanent weekend. What can I do to validate myself for him? Make him realize I work just as hard (if not harder) than he does? I’m starting to hate my life, not because of what I do, but because the person who is most important to me doesn’t respect it.

God please bless all the mothers in the world sometimes it seems like a thankless job.

Have you told him the same things you have posted to the forum?

I am no therapist but I can see how this could start a heated debate (between you guys)
Who has the harder job type argument.

Your holding the household together its a lot of work he probably perceives your situation as you get to stay home all day while hes stressing the commute and working all day at his job. Yes I can see how this could get out of hand real quick.

You could fix him a special meal with a couple glasses of wine and say the words us men dread “honey we have to talk”…

 

[Aggies08]

Get sick for a week.

If that’s not possible, go visit your family for a week, taking the nursing babe.

Let him see first-hand what it’s like.