DH doesn't see what I do as "work"

[CompSciGuy]

I can’t believe what I am hearing. I have seen a lot of posts lately about husbands who are problems. It makes me want to knock some sense into these men. Don’t they know how lucky they are to have a wife and family, especially wives who are unselfish as this woman? Why don’t they act like men and be involved in their children’s lives and respect their wives like they’re supposed to? How can they be so pig-headed? It makes my blood boil.

 

[Litcrit]

I also agree that leaving him with the house and children will not necessarily make him “see the light”. We all have different perceptions, approaches and priorities.

I’m the breadwinner in our family, and my husband is the SAHD, but I had 18 months of maternity leave for both our kids.

These circumstances, as well as our different personalities, result in this: when I’m alone with the kids, they crawl all over me, the toddler nurses all the time, they come screaming and crying to me when they fight over toys, and I don’t get a moment of peace. The house is a mess and I don’t even notice it.

When he’s alone with the kids, they play together and only come and cuddle a bit or ask for juice, milk, etc. The toddler falls asleep on her own. My husband vacuums, scrubs the floor and the bathroom, does the laundry and the dishes and then I don’t even notice it.

But I DO appreciate him and what he does. I DO try to see things from his point of view and he does the same. This is something that cannot be forced by leaving the other person in charge.

 

[EasterJoy]

My DH refuses to see this as work. …He thinks I have a permanent weekend…

In what ways does he express these thoughts? Is he self-congratulatory about his own work, is he using his work for a salary as an excuse to not help with the work to be done at home, does he refuse to see that you need some time away from home, does he resent that he has to wake up to an alarm clock, does he think there are home chores being neglected, or what? How do these thoughts of his come out?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Leaving him with the children to try and prove something is not a good idea. It will cause more one-upsmanship, and her husband might truly neglect his own children out of anger, resentment and selfishness.

What ends up happening, or what did end up happening to me, is that I assumed more and more household duties in an effort to prove to my husband that I was valuable. That didn’t work either, he just worked even more as I freed him up from the mundane household duties such as paying all the bills and taking care of all the home needs.

This is really a no-win situation for the wife/mother. No matter what she does, she is in a dead-end situation. If she backs off the things she does, her husband will think she is a slouch, and her children may suffer, which is unacceptable. Yet if she continues to do everything as she is doing, she will eventually burn out and may require some form of medical or psychiatric intervention. But if her husband does not believe that the things she does for him now have a value, no matter what, he is not going to see a value in what she does.

My husband would probably have been happy if I had chosen to put our sons in day care and go work a 40 hour job. It’s not the money per se, because he has always made enough for us to live on. It’s that he grew up with a working mother, who did everything for him and his brother, and he doesn’t see why every woman isn’t like that. His mother was blessed (or cursed) with a type of nervous energy that I have never had. He married me but probably wished he’d married someone more like his mom, in that she could work and keep the house, etc. But she had no choice as his parents divorced when he was a young teen.

Anyway, no matter what the OP does to try and prove to her husband that what she is doing is valuable, he may not ever give her the approval she desperately needs. I would urge her to take a few things off her plate, to slow down, to care for the children above all, and to try and fit a few things in for herself. Don’t lose sight of who you are, although it seems the children swallow you up when they are young. Don’t sacrifice everything to the family. Find a way to pursue a goal or two of your own.

OP, if your husband is like mine, you are never going to get his approval and appreciation. Oh, sure, my husband would jokingly say from time to time, “I appreciate you,” but it was said in a way that minimized the statement even as he was saying it. So… It hurts but I know that I was a great mom and really gave my all to the job. So I hope to hear “Well done, faithful servant” when and if I get to Heaven. My husband’s approval and appreciation would be nice, but I didn’t marry that man.

I also recognized that if I don’t care for myself, no one else will, so I don’t over do things any more. I can never match my husband’s level of drive, and I would kill myself if I tried. So I do what I can reasonably do. No matter what, I am not going to get positive feedback from him, so why kill myself trying? He’s not my judge in the end, God is.

Hugs to you, OP. This is something I have struggled with my entire marriage, and it’s probably going to continue, as we are about to become empty-nesters so I will have no children under my roof to care for any more. I’m sure the pressure to do something will increase, although I burned out years ago and feel I need and deserve a break at this point of my life. DH takes no breaks in his own life and sees no need for others to do so. That is what a narcissist does - sees everyone as an extension of themselves, otherwise they have no empathy at all.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I can’t believe what I am hearing. I have seen a lot of posts lately about husbands who are problems. It makes me want to knock some sense into these men. Don’t they know how lucky they are to have a wife and family, especially wives who are unselfish as this woman? Why don’t they act like men and be involved in their children’s lives and respect their wives like they’re supposed to? How can they be so pig-headed? It makes my blood boil.

We live in an age of narcissism. Some men and women can’t imagine that anyone is actually different to them. Their judgment is that anyone not like them is somehow defective and that the world would be a better place if it were filled with clones of them. Sounds ridiculous but that’s the world of a narcissist. The unspoken judgment is always, “Why aren’t you more like ME?” IOW, why don’t you do everything I do the way I do it and then I will be happy and so will you.

 

[KCT]

All I had to do was go out of town for a few days and leave dh in charge.

He couldn’t wait to go back to the office…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

All I had to do was go out of town for a few days and leave dh in charge.

He couldn’t wait to go back to the office…

Glad it worked for you. As another poster said, this can backfire on you if the DH gets onto his own program and organizes things his own way, he could end up thinking that you are really a slacker and deserve even less credit than he has given you. I thought that the first time I left town for any amount of time, DH would be begging me to come back and get his life back on track. Didn’t happen. His father stepped in to provide a few meals, and other than that, I’d kept things going well enough that nothing fell apart while I was gone. I think I would have to leave for 6 mos or so and by then, he’d have found a way to cope without me.

There is such a thing as pride, for many men, which means that no matter how miserable they may be on the inside, they are not going to beg their wife for anything, nor acknowledge how much they really need her.

 

[Morwenna]

I’m not married so I can’t give you any words of wisdom … but hopefully I can at least provide a chuckle for you! I read this awhile back and loved it … I hope you’ll enjoy it, too!

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the hallway he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and the throw rug was wadded against one wall!

The front room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, food was all over the floor, a broken glass lay under the table and a small pile of earth was spread near the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill or that something serious had happened.

He was met with soapy water as it trickled under the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom he found his wife still curled up in the bed reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day had gone. He looked at her bewildered and asked “What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered, “you know every day when you come from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes”, was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it!”



.

 

[horselvr]

Morwenna: That is absolutely hysterical. Thanks for posting that.

OP: I am going along with others that have urged you to NOT play games by leaving him with the kids to fend for himself blah and blah because that can and probably will backfire in a big way and surely cause even more resentment in the long run.

However, have you asked him if he would feel better and less stressed if you went to work outside the home because being the only financial profider for the entire household is quite stressful as is being the sole caretaker of hubby, children, and household. If he answers yes, then by all means he needs to know exactly how much of the household income will be going to child care, a personal secretary to keep the finances in order and run the errands, a cook, live in housekeeper. Unfortunately, I doubt highly if you will find one that will do the laundry by hand in today’s world.

You did say you do the laundry by hand right??

If you try this method please be most loving when discussing all this. Your goal is not to one up him and have a heated discussion but to get to the meat of the matter and a final resolution.

Remember too that appreciation goes both ways.

 

[mt_gooseberry]

I want to thank everyone for every single post. I feel tons better just having got some sympathy from somewhere.

Here is some more background. Yes, my husband is selfish. He was raised to be. He is from rural Mexico, where men don’t lift a finger in the house. Most of them adapt when they have lived in the US a few years, but he hasn’t. Even other Mexicans comment on how he is still so “machista.” And his mother…wow. She’s like a robot! She just does everything for her men, and never complains or rests. My husband has an uncle who makes his wife help him get dressed…she even puts on his socks and his shoes for him. It is a whole other world that my husband was raised in. I get so mad, but he was pretty much brainwashed his entire childhood that women are to serve men. That is what I am up against.

It has occurred to me to do many of the things suggested by all of you. I have even let the house go for a few days. He just got disgusted and upset at my “laziness.” I try to stand up for myself (I am a pretty persuasive debater) but he just shuts down and I can’t get through to him. I have also tried to get him to put himself in my shoes for a day, but he finds the idea contemptible.

In spite of all this I still adore him. Sometimes I am quite troubled by his character…I admit that I sometimes have wondered if he wasn’t kind of sociopathic. But he’ll show flashes of kindness at moments, like “accidently” dropping $200 while walking by a homeless family. And he prays all the time.

Anyway, I sincerely thank all of you for your sympathy and support. Thank you for trying to help me!

 

[EasterJoy]

I want to thank everyone for every single post. I feel tons better just having got some sympathy from somewhere.

Here is some more background. Yes, my husband is selfish. He was raised to be. He is from rural Mexico, where men don’t lift a finger in the house. Most of them adapt when they have lived in the US a few years, but he hasn’t. Even other Mexicans comment on how he is still so “machista.” And his mother…wow. She’s like a robot! She just does everything for her men, and never complains or rests. My husband has an uncle who makes his wife help him get dressed…she even puts on his socks and his shoes for him. It is a whole other world that my husband was raised in. I get so mad, but he was pretty much brainwashed his entire childhood that women are to serve men. That is what I am up against.

It has occurred to me to do many of the things suggested by all of you. I have even let the house go for a few days. He just got disgusted and upset at my “laziness.” I try to stand up for myself (I am a pretty persuasive debater) but he just shuts down and I can’t get through to him. I have also tried to get him to put himself in my shoes for a day, but he finds the idea contemptible.

In spite of all this I still adore him. Sometimes I am quite troubled by his character…I admit that I sometimes have wondered if he wasn’t kind of sociopathic. But he’ll show flashes of kindness at moments, like “accidently” dropping $200 while walking by a homeless family. And he prays all the time.

Anyway, I sincerely thank all of you for your sympathy and support. Thank you for trying to help me!

Wow. OK, so he was raised with very strict division of labor along gender lines. Unless you are forced to get a job and help with “his” work of supporting the family financially, he isn’t likely to change on that account. Sorry, that’s just been my experience. Changing that playing field is not likely to happen by any effort of yours.

That doesn’t mean that every guy born and raised in Mexico is oblivious to how much respect is due to the mother of their children! In fact, you might ask him about that, since if he truly is traditional, he holds his own mother in high regard and insists that all others do likewise. The traditional fellows I know (regardless of nationality) see themselves as failing as a man if they allow anyone to say a word against their mothers. Is he going to teach his own children to endure anyone who dares to hold their mother in contempt? That does not sound like the traditional Mexican men I know. Therefore, you may persuade him to talk to you differently, just so that his children will have the self-respect that comes from respecting one’s mother. (I am surprised he lets you talk about his mother as you do, to be honest.)

If he prays all of the time, then perhaps you can talk to your pastor about this. It may be that he will believe that what you do is worthy of great respect if he hears it from a priest.

I do think the angle of expecting him to show great respect to the mother of his children is the most likely to be effective. Therefore, do not ask him to show you respect. Insist on it, as part of your role as a their mother. A traditional Mexican mother has the right to insist on that, and your children do, too! You, likewise, should make it clear that you will defend him as your family’s breadwinner. No matter what he brings home, you will live within those means and show him the respect due to your husband and the father of your children, and you will respect him for the work he does.

Do not ever call his mom a robot again, by the way. A hard-working woman who chooses to sacrifice for her family does not deserve that.

 

[Allegra]

Hmmm. Does your husband get a vacation? The next time he does I think you should let him “rest” at home with the kids while you and your sister have a girl’s week in New Orleans.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I want to thank everyone for every single post. I feel tons better just having got some sympathy from somewhere.

Here is some more background. Yes, my husband is selfish. He was raised to be. He is from rural Mexico, where men don’t lift a finger in the house. Most of them adapt when they have lived in the US a few years, but he hasn’t. Even other Mexicans comment on how he is still so “machista.” And his mother…wow. She’s like a robot! She just does everything for her men, and never complains or rests. My husband has an uncle who makes his wife help him get dressed…she even puts on his socks and his shoes for him. It is a whole other world that my husband was raised in. I get so mad, but he was pretty much brainwashed his entire childhood that women are to serve men. That is what I am up against.

It has occurred to me to do many of the things suggested by all of you. I have even let the house go for a few days. He just got disgusted and upset at my “laziness.” I try to stand up for myself (I am a pretty persuasive debater) but he just shuts down and I can’t get through to him. I have also tried to get him to put himself in my shoes for a day, but he finds the idea contemptible.

In spite of all this I still adore him. Sometimes I am quite troubled by his character…I admit that I sometimes have wondered if he wasn’t kind of sociopathic. But he’ll show flashes of kindness at moments, like “accidently” dropping $200 while walking by a homeless family. And he prays all the time.

Anyway, I sincerely thank all of you for your sympathy and support. Thank you for trying to help me!

Oh, dear. Well, you are fighting an entire set of cultural beliefs, not just one man’s selfish attitude. You have a different problem in the machismo attitude of Mexican men. He is a MAN and that is a sacred position in that culture. I guess one corollary might be a neurosurgeon, the top of the ladder in the medical world. They can be insufferably arrogant. Not all are, and if there are any neurosurgeons reading this (I doubt it, but ) I don’t mean to p(name removed by moderator)oint YOU specifically. But you know how you were trained.

Anyway, back to YOUR problem…You understand your challenges. YOU are going to have to value your own work, instead of waiting to get kudos from your husband. YOU are going to have to take care of yourself, instead of waiting for permission to take breaks, enjoy yourself, etc. Do not burn yourself out, because guess what? No one will care. Don’t seek approval from your children either. I admit that I did that to some extent and it hurt me deeply when my younger son was going through his troubles and turned against me. I had no one on my side then. Make friends, and spend enough time with them to KEEP them friends, at whatever cost. You need friends! Your husband may not come through for you in times when you are stressed, worried, need medical tests, etc. In fact he may be impatient with you for needing anything from him. So you need good friends that you can count on.

Be selfish enough to take time to care for your health, and to have fun doing something you have enjoyed. The kids will not learn to give to others when they see you only giving. They will learn to take. Show them also that you believe you are God’s precious daughter and deserve your rest and enjoyment of life. If that means a part time job as the kids start to grow up, then do it. Do it for YOU, not for them. Don’t give all of yourself away.

 

[boomerang]

I want to thank everyone for every single post. I feel tons better just having got some sympathy from somewhere.

Here is some more background. Yes, my husband is selfish. He was raised to be. He is from rural Mexico, where men don’t lift a finger in the house. Most of them adapt when they have lived in the US a few years, but he hasn’t. Even other Mexicans comment on how he is still so “machista.” And his mother…wow. She’s like a robot! She just does everything for her men, and never complains or rests. My husband has an uncle who makes his wife help him get dressed…she even puts on his socks and his shoes for him. It is a whole other world that my husband was raised in. I get so mad, but he was pretty much brainwashed his entire childhood that women are to serve men. That is what I am up against.

It has occurred to me to do many of the things suggested by all of you. I have even let the house go for a few days. He just got disgusted and upset at my “laziness.” I try to stand up for myself (I am a pretty persuasive debater) but he just shuts down and I can’t get through to him. I have also tried to get him to put himself in my shoes for a day, but he finds the idea contemptible.

In spite of all this I still adore him. Sometimes I am quite troubled by his character…I admit that I sometimes have wondered if he wasn’t kind of sociopathic. But he’ll show flashes of kindness at moments, like “accidently” dropping $200 while walking by a homeless family. And he prays all the time.

Anyway, I sincerely thank all of you for your sympathy and support. Thank you for trying to help me!

Aahhh! He’s from Mexico! This explains a little more. Perhaps you should enlist a male friend whom he likes or admires to subtly or not-so-subtly tell him that you need a little help now and then. I’ll tell you a funny story about a Mexican co-worker of mine. He’s from Jalisco. When his wife was pregnant with their third child (they already had two boys) he kept telling everyone that if the third child is a girl, he was going to throw “it” in the river! He wanted nothing but boys. Of course, she gave birth to a girl, and he was so upset that he went out and got drunk that night! But then, he confessed to me, he now calls his daughter (about 6 years old) his “little princess”! He says, “those boys don’t care about me at all! All they do is play. My
little princess, she brings me a cold drink when I’m working, she always checks up on me to make sure I have everything I need. I love her!” Now he wants more daughters, but his wife says she’s done having kids. Moral of the story: even the hard-core male chauvinists can change. Pray for him.

 

[EasterJoy]

Oh, dear. Well, you are fighting an entire set of cultural beliefs, not just one man’s selfish attitude. You have a different problem in the machismo attitude of Mexican men. He is a MAN and that is a sacred position in that culture. I guess one corollary might be a neurosurgeon, the top of the ladder in the medical world. They can be insufferably arrogant. Not all are, and if there are any neurosurgeons reading this (I doubt it, but ) I don’t mean to p(name removed by moderator)oint YOU specifically. But you know how you were trained.

Anyway, back to YOUR problem…You understand your challenges. YOU are going to have to value your own work, instead of waiting to get kudos from your husband. YOU are going to have to take care of yourself, instead of waiting for permission to take breaks, enjoy yourself, etc. Do not burn yourself out, because guess what? No one will care. Don’t seek approval from your children either. I admit that I did that to some extent and it hurt me deeply when my younger son was going through his troubles and turned against me. I had no one on my side then. Make friends, and spend enough time with them to KEEP them friends, at whatever cost. You need friends! Your husband may not come through for you in times when you are stressed, worried, need medical tests, etc. In fact he may be impatient with you for needing anything from him. So you need good friends that you can count on.

Be selfish enough to take time to care for your health, and to have fun doing something you have enjoyed. The kids will not learn to give to others when they see you only giving. They will learn to take. Show them also that you believe you are God’s precious daughter and deserve your rest and enjoyment of life. If that means a part time job as the kids start to grow up, then do it. Do it for YOU, not for them. Don’t give all of yourself away.

If the husband’s expressions of contempt for the OP don’t stop, it is hard to imagine how their marriage will survive it. They may not divorce, but what kind of a marriage is that? He needs to be taught that his complaints about how she does things (which may be legitimate) need to be separated from his duty to give her the honor due her because he chose her as his wife.

Since he has resisted joining her culture, her task is to convince him to do that within the framework of his culture. Either way, if their relationshi isn’t one of mutual respect, he may as well quit fooling himself. Again, I think a priest might be able to impress this upon him. A man who prays, after all, can be assumed to be theoretically vunerable to grace!!

I like to say that neurosurgeons aren’t inherently arrogant, but rather that the position requires that the person be bold, self-confident, and decisive in his or her decisions, while little in the formation of a surgeon selects against doing that in an arrogant way. I think this husband was raised to do “what only men can do.” Well, maybe he can come to see if he fails to teach the world to honor his wife, and especially if he fails to teach his children to insist that the world honor her, then he will have failed in one of the duties of a man. If their father doesn’t respect their mother, why should they? If they don’t respect their own mother, how can they respect themselves?

It is time to figure out how to reconcile her expectations to the context of his prejudices. Is it possible that he will come over to her culture eventually? Sure, it is. I am betting though, that he will come around to her culture because he has learned to show her respect within the framework of his own culture, and not the other way around.

She might also try talking to her MIL about the situation. There may be some invisible cultural flaming hoop that she is not jumping through because she does not see it. Even if it is not a hoop she ever decides she is ever going to be jumping through, at least she may know to stay clear of it, instead of running it over entirely!

For instance, she may need to express her own view of motherhood in terms of being from a different world, rather than in terms of her husband’s family dividing labor in a way that is objectively wrong. If she refuses to do something in a way that seems to put down her MIL’s choice to do it, some inconsequential thing could needlessly become a battlefield. Her husband could insist on his wife changing because to give in to his wife’s wishes would seem disloyal to his own mom. If his wife gives affectionate respect to his mom’s way of doing things, even though his wife does things differently, he might be less rigid about how things have to be with his wife.

Mostly, though, when a spouse starts getting a “my welfare” vs. “his welfare” mode of thinking, rather than “I take care of myself in order to take care of us” mode of thinking, that is very dangerous to the marriage. It is also not realistic to have a “quid pro quo” kind of if-I-always-take-care-of-you-then-you-will-never-fail-me expectation. People we have given ourselves to will fail us, sometimes, just as we sometimes fail them and fail God. IOW, people* will *sin, no matter how well we love them. That is why we ultimately rely on God, not others. At any rate, if their marriage is valid, they have one life. It is best that they each look at their own self-interest in terms that are in the interest of all.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I stay at home and care for our kids and home. My DH refuses to see this as work. Here is some of what I do: Nurse the baby all night and throughout the day, feed baby food for meals, prepare and feed toddler meals, clean house while entertaining and comforting children, laundry, dishes (by hand), change all diapers (DH refuses to), prepare dinner almost every night from scratch (he refuses to eat anything pre-prepared), brush toddler’s teeth, help toddler use bathroom, take kids to all dr. appointments, take baby to physical and occupational therapy (which is 1+hr drive to and from) every other week, get all groceries (with kids in tow), do all banking/bill paying, get kids up and dressed every morning, put kids to bed every night, run all errands, make all phone calls, bathe children, clean up after cooking and meals, take care of kids when sick, get kids loaded and unloaded from car, and more more more. My DH does nothing with regards to the kids, not even change diapers. I don’t even get to sleep, shower, or use the bathroom alone. I literally never stop. I am typing with a baby in arms. I have no friends. I have no hobbies. I have given up everything, willingly, for our family. I didn’t even get a week off after my last birth. I got two days. He thinks I have a permanent weekend. What can I do to validate myself for him? Make him realize I work just as hard (if not harder) than he does? I’m starting to hate my life, not because of what I do, but because the person who is most important to me doesn’t respect it.

Leave him with the kids and the chores for a few hours and then let him find out on his own. Make sure and have someone check on how it’s going…don’t leave the kids in danger if he’s completely clueless.

 

[sweetpetunia]

If you wanted to SHOW him how hard you work all day, you could record yourself working all day and tell him to either watch it or keep his “you don’t work as hard as I do” comments to himself

Being a primary care giver and a home-maker is exhausting, and it sounds like you are pulling more than your share of weight! I am so sorry your husband doesn’t realize what a gem you are! I agree with Juliane that you need to take time for yourself. Please, take care of yourself. It’s one of the best things you can do for your kids and your husband (whether he realizes it or not!). I bet even superwoman would get burned out from a 24/7 schedule with zero help!

My suggestion is that you look for all possible ways to simplify your life, so that you can have a little time for yourself, to take care of yourself, and to rest, and to do something that you enjoy. Here are a few ideas, if you are not doing them already:

Food:
a) Look for preparation tricks and shortcuts. My MIL prepares a wealth of mulitple main courses of gourmet cooking almost every night for dinner, and I always presumed she spent the entire day slaving over a hot stove. She taught me the trick is to look for easy recipes and for shortcuts. E.g. if you are making stir-fry, you don’t need to wash and cut all the veggies by hand. You can buy pre-cut frozen veggies especially mixed for stirfry (e.g. they sell mixed frozen snow peas, baby corn, onions and waterchestnuts) and just toss them in, as is. Or you can use instant rice to make cooking times quicker. Or you can buy pre-shredded cabbage for coleslaw. Or baby carrots which are ready-to-eat, etc. There are also tricks on how to safely prepare food quickly. For example, the fastest and easiest way to open a banana is like the monkeys: youtube.com/watch?v=nBJV56WUDng (That’s a very small example off the top of my head, there are better ones!)
b) Maybe you can make your home-made meals simpler. Think less fancy, as well as less courses, and less dishes. One pot meals are great, because they don’t leave lots to wash.
c) You can cook enough for two meals and freeze one for later. Or join a community cooking co-op where moms take turns cooking meals for all the families. You have to make big batches, but you don’t have to cook as often, and the food is fresh.
d) You can use a slow-cooker so you don’t have to “baby” your roasts or whatever you’re cooking quite as much. Food processors can save you a lot of labor, too. Rice cookers are nice, too.

Bills:
If you are not already signed up for phone or internet banking, you might want to give it a try. It saves getting stamps, writing checks, and going to the mailbox (or going to the bank.) You can make a transfer between your accounts or a bill payment with only a few clicks of your mouse any time of the day or night.

Laundry:
a)Save sorting laundry by having two dirty laundry bins, one for darks, and one for whites. Or just buy color-fast clothes and toss 'em all in together in cold water.
b) If you’re ironing and you don’t “enjoy it”, (I know some people do!) than don’t iron. Take clothes from the dryer while they are still warm and wrinkle-free, or buy a steamer.
c) Learn how to fold t-shirts like this: youtube.com/watch?v=Jvcuy4k17DI . Once you know how, it takes less than three seconds to fold a t-shirt

Dishes:
You are doing ALL of your dishes by hand all by yourself with multiple small children? You saint! I don’t know how you manage to do it all. Is there any way you can get a dishwasher? Even if it’s the portable kind that attaches to the kitchen sink and rolls away on wheels when you are done with it? If you think your husband will say it costs too much, can you collect your loose change in a jar until you have enough and then tell him you’re buying one?

Childcare:
a) Would Grandma love to play with the kids while you ran to the grocery store? If noone lives close by, could you go to your Mom’s for a holiday? Are there any relatives you can visit?
b) Could you pay a student ten bucks to watch the kids for an hour while you read/take a bubble bath/ have a nap a couple times a month?
c) Are any of your kids old enough to help by playing with eachother? (As in, you still supervise, but they entertain the youngest?)
d) Even though you are still supervising, do you have enough baby equipment to give your arms a break from baby? ( Baby carrier, baby swing or playmat for an infant; excersaucer, baby “chair”, or playpen for an older baby, etc.)

I hope you can find time for yourself. Take care, and God bless you.

 

[Always_For_Him]

There are so many different ways I could reply here. So, I am going to go the “Don’t forget that YOU matter and Don’t forget who you are route.”

You matter!! He is just too narcissistic to consider your needs. I don’t know how to tell you how to teach him, hold him accountable, but I can tell you that if you keep this up, going this route, you will lose yourself.

Draw a line!!! Find a balance!!!. What is not done today, will still be there tomorrow. This is the busiest time of your whole life. Your kids are more important than a clean house. Having lunch once a week with a friend, or having friends over for a quick sandwhich, long talk while the kids play is a MUST!!!. Don’t strive for perfection. Strive for balanced excellence!!! OK?

Decide what your own expectations of yourself are. Don’t let your husband’s expectations of a show-place home or 5 course meals keep you upside down. What are your expectations and ideas of a mom, home, etc? Decide what they are. Cook a quick spaghetti dinner and be done!!! Nobody can have expecations of you that you don’t allow them to have.

If he wants a cleaner house, he can clean it or hire it done. Don’t allow him to have expectations of you that he doesn’t hold himself accountable for, and don’t let him have expectations of you that you don’t want for yourself.

Marriage is partnership, team. If you are doing all the work, then you can decide how and when it gets done. Slow down. Enjoy your children. Enjoy YOUR life!!! I am busy too, I get it!!. There is a way to re-prioritize to strike the balance where you can actually live your life!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Leave him with the kids and the chores for a few hours and then let him find out on his own. Make sure and have someone check on how it’s going…don’t leave the kids in danger if he’s completely clueless.

He’s not completely clueless, he’s operating from a different set of cultural beliefs. If she leaves the kids with him, he’s only going to see that as further evidence that she is not a good wife and mother. It won’t help. He’s a MAN and men don’t take care of the house and kids in his culture.

 

[horselvr]

Oh No not a chauvinist—why he might be the last of a dying breed.

OP: You are a much better woman than I am. I don’t cotton to no chauvinist.

Someone needs to take him by the hand and help him take a big giant step into the year 2012.