DH doesn't see what I do as "work"

[TheRealJuliane]

Oh No not a chauvinist—why he might be the last of a dying breed.

OP: You are a much better woman than I am. I don’t cotton to no chauvinist.

Someone needs to take him by the hand and help him take a big giant step into the year 2012.

No, there are lots of them, in cultures other than our own. They are raised with the belief that men do not do domestic chores nor take care of children. I don’t call it chauvinistic because it is a cultural belief and is supported by the members of that culture.

It sounds as if she knew what she was getting into when they married. So she should not be shocked when she now has it.



Still, she does need to take care of herself, as best she can, since her husband is probably not going to, as you say, “take a big giant step into the year 2012.”

 

[underacloud]

To the OP:

Have you discussed your concerns with your priest? While cultural values can be ingrained, they can nonetheless be trumped. If you found your priest was sympathetic to your concerns, he may be able to help you express them in a way to your husband that he will be receptive towards.

Or you could show him this thread.

 

[odile53]

Just a side note here, three weeks ago I had a flat tire in the parking ramp at the hospital. The chief of neurosurgery was parked nearby, and he noticed the flat before I did. He shocked the daylights out of me by changing the flat tire for me as I was looking for my auto club card! With a smile, no less!

As I drove off to the tire store on the Donut of Shame, I said a quick prayer of thanksgiving that God had restored my faith in the basic good nature of people.

To the OP: I’d avoid the “go on strike” mentality, that would be like waving a red flag at a bull, if you’ll pardon the cultural metaphor. Sit him down some evening and point out exactly what you do, and inform him that you need some down time to save your health and sanity. Keep doing this, at intervals of a few weeks. If he defensively points out your supposed failings, ignore these. Just smile and say, “I disagree. I need some assistance here.” And prioritize tasks: For example, health (nutrition and basic cleanliness) and safety come first, perfect decor, elegant meals, and gorgeous landscaping are way down the totem pole. If he starts complaining about the absence of the niceties, tell him that with your limited resources and your supposed inefficiency, you have to attack the most important things first. Don’t make demands, don’t state ultimata. Just calmly prioritize, and be assertive and consistent. Eventually, if he has any sort of sense and any sort of decency, he’ll get the message.

 

[ChrissyB364]

I was meant to find this thread this morning as my morning prayers centered around my husband finding some peace and myself finding some armor to deal with him in the mean time. We recently added me and the kids to his health insurance through work which is expensive and when he is stressed he lashes out at me and is highly critical of everything I do, or don’t do. I can’t say how many times in the last 3 days I have heard, I don’t work so hard to come home and the house look like this (even though yesterday I worked my rearend off trying to keep him from having anything to critique…so much for that). Even when he isn’t stressed he does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING around the house. Or with the kids. It was over 100 here all weekend he left the house long enough to get earbuds to plug in to his computer and sat here aaaaaaaaallllll weekend with them plugged in watching TV. I actually dread evenings and weekends because my job gets harder, everything else plus running interference between him and the kids. There are times I would rather go back to work so he at least has to take the garbage out than have the entire weight of the house and children on me because he works. I apologize, this post doesn’t help you in the least but know there are people out there dealing with the same things.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I like to say that neurosurgeons aren’t inherently arrogant, but rather that the position requires that the person be bold, self-confident, and decisive in his or her decisions, while little in the formation of a surgeon selects against doing that in an arrogant way./QUOTE]

Just a side note here, three weeks ago I had a flat tire in the parking ramp at the hospital. The chief of neurosurgery was parked nearby, and he noticed the flat before I did. He shocked the daylights out of me by changing the flat tire for me as I was looking for my auto club card! With a smile, no less!

As I drove off to the tire store on the Donut of Shame, I said a quick prayer of thanksgiving that God had restored my faith in the basic good nature of people.

Maybe I just worked with the worst of the worst! Wow. Stunned. The ones I knew wouldn’t bend down to pick up something THEY had dropped, let alone do something for anyone else.

 

[Aggies08]

Here is some more background. Yes, my husband is selfish. He was raised to be. He is from rural Mexico, where men don’t lift a finger in the house. Most of them adapt when they have lived in the US a few years, but he hasn’t. Even other Mexicans comment on how he is still so “machista.” And his mother…wow. She’s like a robot! She just does everything for her men, and never complains or rests. My husband has an uncle who makes his wife help him get dressed…she even puts on his socks and his shoes for him. It is a whole other world that my husband was raised in. I get so mad, but he was pretty much brainwashed his entire childhood that women are to serve men. That is what I am up against.

You didn’t say this. I know this culture.

You need to have some men sit him down and give him a talking to.

If he’s religious, include the priest/deacon he likes. If he has male relatives who help at their homes, include them. Speak to the women in the family to get the men on board.

 

[The_Bucket]

You didn’t say this. I know this culture.

You need to have some men sit him down and give him a talking to.

If he’s religious, include the priest/deacon he likes. If he has male relatives who help at their homes, include them. Speak to the women in the family to get the men on board.

Wives certainly should serve their husbands, but husbands should die to themselves for their wives. That’s what a real man does. Sometimes out of necessity that means the man works himself down to a nub and comes home and can’t do much around the house because he’s dead-tired and just can’t lift another finger. I’m thinking like miners and construction workers or field workers.

I doubt women in those circumstances would complain too much after seeing their husbands come home exhausted. I also doubt that good men who work those jobs would be totally disengaged from their children even if they didn’t have the energy to do housework.

If I worked a very physically demanding job like that and just physically couldn’t help around the house during the day, I’d strive to not be a hindrance to my wife and I’d pick up as much slack as possible on the weekend.

That’s what men are called to be. Yeah we’re the heads of the households but like Christ we are to be the servant of servants as well and everything we do should be for the good of the family.

 

[Nanny_PK]

It sounds as if she knew what she was getting into when they married. So she should not be shocked when she now has it.

You said quite nicely what I was trying to come up with the right words. If the OP had spent any time with him and his family before they married, she would have seen how things were. From my perspective, this proves the adage that love is not enough. I would never put up with that so I probably would never have dated much less married a man who had that cultural bias. I’m not saying the culture is right or wrong – it is what it is. But I have the choice of whether to join that culture or not, and I know that I would not have been able to accept that.

I’m not sure what can be done to change it now. Hopefully the other qualities that the OP listed are enough to overcome the choice made to marry – maybe over time he will change and evolve into more of a help around the house.

 

[EasterJoy]

Maybe I just worked with the worst of the worst! Wow. Stunned. The ones I knew wouldn’t bend down to pick up something THEY had dropped, let alone do something for anyone else.

I’ve known quite a few surgeons, and although they are all self-confident, decisive people, a lot of them are very down-to-earth. They and others I know in health care tell horror stories about some of their colleagues, though. There is apparently little or nothing in a surgery residency that selects against someone who is too full of himself.

As the years go by, however, the surgeons who are down-to-earth get sued* a lot *less. If your patients think you are a jerk and you screw up, they don’t have any trouble calling in a lawyer. If you are a decent enough guy and you make a mistake, your patients are far more forgiving.

The OP’s husband might take that to heart. The way he treats his wife and family now could come back around if he ever struggles in his role as a breadwinner. (The truth is, if he’s too full of himself, he is not unlikely to unleash those recriminations on himself.) If he learns to value her and support her now, he will have a much easier time accepting her support if he ever has trouble holding up what he considers his end of the bargain.

What goes around, comes around, all over the world. Marriage is a matter of living one life, of honor towards the other being honor of the one life, not a matter of enforcing some kind of a quid pro quo. Maybe their pastor can help him see that.

 

[Catya]

You didn’t say this. I know this culture.

You need to have some men sit him down and give him a talking to.

If he’s religious, include the priest/deacon he likes. If he has male relatives who help at their homes, include them. Speak to the women in the family to get the men on board.

I couldn’t agree more. He needs to get the message from other men.

Good luck!

 

[Viki63]

I’ve been married for 20 years (wow, can you believe it?) to a guy from rural Mexico. He still hasn’t managed to learn much English, so we communicate in Spanish, NOT my first language so it’s been a struggle at times.
I can sympathize with your situation, OP. But we can’t put it all on the culture, my husband is adamant that women deserve respect and protection, that all women are beautiful despite age, weight, or looks. He is very respectful of me and I of him, we worked it out in the first years of marriage. I never allow the kids to badmouth him, but try not to get between them
I work 36 hours a week. Because my husband is 1) illiterate, and 2) confined to a wheelchair, I do all the grocery shopping, bill paying, some of the yard work, house cleaning, and change grandchild’s diapers when he visits. My husband washes the dishes sometimes, will vacuum, mows the lawn, drives our teen daughter to school & to sports.
The difference is that I don’t have small children, which require infinite patience and time, and my husband is not picky about the house. I rarely cook, either; since I get home late – he will make quesadillas for me, and make really hot salsa so that the air in the house is unbreathable. I’m more frustrated with the state of the house than he is, he doesnt notice if the floor hasn’t been mopped etc.
I think the suggestions of other posters are good – involve your priest or other men (and their wives) in explaining to him that respect must go two ways.
Early on, he wanted to direct everything I did – that may be a cultural thing. But I do as I please, since my goal is to be pleasing to God and a good wife and mother, but I don’t ask permission, though I do inform him of where I’m going and when I’ll be back. I take time for myself. But of course it’s easier without small children.
I would give anything not to have to work, and to be home with kids all day. But it would be very hard with an unappreciative husband.
God bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

…But we can’t put it all on the culture, my husband is adamant that women deserve respect and protection, that all women are beautiful despite age, weight, or looks. He is very respectful of me and I of him, we worked it out in the first years of marriage…
I think the suggestions of other posters are good – involve your priest or other men (and their wives) in explaining to him that respect must go two ways.

Yes. This problem may show up in one culture more than another, but the problem she’s having shows up even among men raised to do their own dishes, and the extreme she describes is not considered a good husband anywhere that I know of.

Early on, he wanted to direct everything I did – that may be a cultural thing.

Based on stories from women whose husband are suddenly around all the time because they’ve recently retired, I don’t think so. Instead, these women all seem to find to their surprise that for decade upon decade they had been suffering in ignorance of the right way to do things!

(What?!?! I’m just trying to help!! Sheesh!! )

 

[sweetpetunia]

I was meant to find this thread this morning as my morning prayers centered around my husband finding some peace and myself finding some armor to deal with him in the mean time. We recently added me and the kids to his health insurance through work which is expensive and when he is stressed he lashes out at me and is highly critical of everything I do, or don’t do. I can’t say how many times in the last 3 days I have heard, I don’t work so hard to come home and the house look like this (even though yesterday I worked my rearend off trying to keep him from having anything to critique…so much for that). Even when he isn’t stressed he does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING around the house. Or with the kids. It was over 100 here all weekend he left the house long enough to get earbuds to plug in to his computer and sat here aaaaaaaaallllll weekend with them plugged in watching TV. I actually dread evenings and weekends because my job gets harder, everything else plus running interference between him and the kids. There are times I would rather go back to work so he at least has to take the garbage out than have the entire weight of the house and children on me because he works. I apologize, this post doesn’t help you in the least but know there are people out there dealing with the same things.

Chrissy,

Heat and stress and carrying the weight all on your own are no fun Do you have access to a car? If it’s possible, I would suggest NOT sticking aound weekends. If he is lashing out, critical, and uninvolved, and you are dreading being stuck in the hot house with him, why would you? May I suggest packing a lunch, packing up the kids, and heading somewhere fun? (And cool?) Like maybe the beach, or a lake, or a splash pad, or a waterpark, or the local pool. Somewhere where you can go for the day, and come back when the kids are done in from all the exercise and fresh air. If that’s not possible, what about an air-conditioned library to read books, a friend or relative’s house, or even the mall for a cooler change of scenery. Who knows, maybe your husband will start to miss y’all and spend more quality time…if not, you’ve got nothing to lose by having a fun day out with the kids. I don’t know how old or many your kids are, but if you have many small children, can you invite a relative to come along for an extra pair of arms? Maybe your mom or MIL? Or go with a girlfriend who also has kids? If not, it still might be doable, depending on where you go.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Chrissy,

Heat and stress and carrying the weight all on your own are no fun Do you have access to a car? If it’s possible, I would suggest NOT sticking aound weekends. If he is lashing out, critical, and uninvolved, and you are dreading being stuck in the hot house with him, why would you? May I suggest packing a lunch, packing up the kids, and heading somewhere fun? (And cool?) Like maybe the beach, or a lake, or a splash pad, or a waterpark, or the local pool. Somewhere where you can go for the day, and come back when the kids are done in from all the exercise and fresh air. If that’s not possible, what about an air-conditioned library to read books, a friend or relative’s house, or even the mall for a cooler change of scenery. Who knows, maybe your husband will start to miss y’all and spend more quality time…if not, you’ve got nothing to lose by having a fun day out with the kids. I don’t know how old or many your kids are, but if you have many small children, can you invite a relative to come along for an extra pair of arms? Maybe your mom or MIL? Or go with a girlfriend who also has kids? If not, it still might be doable, depending on where you go.

Yes, totally agree with this. It may seem like a lot of trouble, but getting away from someone who is grumpy and from walking on eggshells is actually a relief. Your kids are very small so it may seem like a crazy idea, but if you team up with one of those friends I recommended earlier in the thread, you can do it. It may seem awful of me to say this, but for a number of years, I lived a lot like a well off single mother. My husband worked all the time, and if I’d waited around to do stuff until he could come, I’d have died waiting. Plus, if he wasn’t working he got even grouchier so truth to tell, I didn’t WANT him around. It was like having to deal with a really big, really unpleasant 3rd child. Go do what you need to do and what will give your kids a great childhood. Ignore your husband’s pouts as much as possible. Just smile, and tell him your plans, and head out the door.