DH got a vasectomy while I was out of town

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terri_fortner

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I am not Catholic. Neither is my husband. However, I have been trying to live the catholic faith for several years, and usually failing miserably. Originally the hold up was two annulments (now that those are finished- and granted- there is not much left keeping me from finishing RCIA). I have 5 children. My oldest 2 are from my first marriage. My husband and I have talked about this several times, and usually it ends in hi getting mad, and me feeling hurt, but he stopped talking and did it while I was out of town this week.

I was balancing the checkbook, and saw the charge, and asked him what it was for and he told me he had a vasectomy. I was in shock, then I cried all day. We never even got a chance to try NFP. I’m just so hurt, and angry, and disappointed, and angry, and hurt. We always said the next one will be Patrick, but he is trying his best to stop that. We don’t struggle for money- I don’t work, our kids have their problems, but they are happy. I never thought he would do this.

I feel like sex with him is wrong because we aren’t open to life anymore. I feel so betrayed, and like he has painted my soul into a corner. I need some help here.

I’m not looking for the obvious- It’s fine, I’m not yet confirmed so it’ll be okay- b/c it doesn’t feel like it will be okay.
 
:eek:

I would so NOT want to be intimate with my husband if he did this. Major trust issues…

God bless you as you work this out.
 
Terri I ask our dear Lord to help you both cope with the strong emotions involved on both sides.
Your husband obviously felt very strongly in order to go behind your back. And you have been cheated of your rightful position as wife, and your confusion is surely very deep and painful.
I ask our Lord to help you move forward in the way He sees as most life-giving to your soul and to your family. I ask Him to help you find His peace.
 
I have to agree with Monicad when she says,
“[P]erhaps there are more problems here.”
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As you probably already know, the issue with birth control is not only openness to life but also deep issues of trust within the marital union. The fact that your husband had this procedure performed is a breach of trust. The fact that he did this under the radar, so to speak, is a greater indicator of mistrust.

I am so sorry this happened. I pray that in these hard times that you and your husband can recall your marraige vows and walk forward together through the hurt. I will pray for you. Don’t let this incident keep you from walking toward the Church. Satan hates it when we draw close to God, do not let temptations thwart you. The timing is very curious, yes? :signofcross:
 
I’ll be praying for you.

What is needed know is education. Your husband needs to understand exactly why this has hurt you so much.

There is a fear that comes with thought of having kids, so I can understand the internal pressure that he may have felt. I know that I considered a vasectomy on many occasions and the only thing that stopped me was the mental image of myself physically turning my back on God.

As hard as it seems now, also try to maintain your compassion for your husband. Unless he did this out of complete spite, he needs some understanding as well.

I agree with the comment about not feeling like sex is wrong for you. He needs to know that and if you feel you need to abstain, then do it. Intimacy is about trust and he needs to earn yours back now. As a husband, I can think of no other act (or lack of) that would get the message across to me.

God bless.
 
This is a serious problem. Not in the same degree of cheating but VERY serious.

however. He is a guy. 5 kids is alot…especally step kids who in my opinion are automatically special needs. Five little people wholly depend on you. That can be alot of pressure.

This is a major comunication problem.

The other thing is. Still practice NFP. If he is gonna do what he likes you do what you like.
 
Vasectomies are reversible.

So lay it on the line with the guy: reverse the operation or get lost.
 
I am so sorry to hear about this!! 😦 I can’t even begin to imagine what a rough time you must be going through. I don’t really have any advice I could offer, but know that I’ll be praying for you. I hope it all gets better soon.
 
Tomcmaj said:
Vasectomies are reversible.

So lay it on the line with the guy: reverse the operation or get lost.
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The Church doesn’t require reversing a vasectomy (or a tubal ligation). So I don’t see how she can require it of her husband when the Church itself doesn’t…She’d be going above and beyond the Church itself. Though she can ask him, and try to make him understand how much it hurt her. Maybe he will have it reversed on his own, without her demanding it.
 
Rence said:
The Church doesn’t require reversing a vasectomy (or a tubal ligation). So I don’t see how she can require it of her husband when the Church itself doesn’t…She’d be going above and beyond the Church itself.
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This isn’t about the Church.

It’s about a very serious decision that needs to be made by two people, but was made by one person.

Church-wise, I don 't know if this would be grounds for an annulment, but I would sure hope so.
 
In marriage, the two become one flesh. When one part of that one flesh does something like this, it is a betrayal of the other partner.

I honestly don’t know what I would do in a situation like this! But I definitely think there are major trust issues, as others have also said.
 
Trishie said:
Terri I ask our dear Lord to help you both cope with the strong emotions involved on both sides.
Your husband obviously felt very strongly in order to go behind your back. And you have been cheated of your rightful position as wife, and your confusion is surely very deep and painful.
I ask our Lord to help you move forward in the way He sees as most life-giving to your soul and to your family. I ask Him to help you find His peace.
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Thank you.
 
Tomcmaj said:
This isn’t about the Church.

It’s about a very serious decision that needs to be made by two people, but was made by one person.

Church-wise, I don 't know if this would be grounds for an annulment, but I would sure hope so.
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It’s not. Events happening after the Sacrament would not be grounds for an annullment. An annullment means the marriage was never a marriage in the first place. So, the only way this incident would be grounds for an annullment is if he deceived her by planning to have one before they were married. She does not imply this is the case.

Marriage is all about the Church. Marriage is a Sacrament. You don’t just marry your spouse, but God is in the equation…like the Trinity. And we cannot impose what the Church itself does not. That’s like putting yourself above the Church.

Terri, my advise would be to continue to talk to your husband and make him understand how this has affected you and your marriage, and talk to a good priest.
 
I’ll be praying for you.

I would not give any ultimatums. Certainly. Our society pushes for more things, more wealth, more superficial lives…Children are almost seen as accessories and not something to have several of.

I’m sure he was genuinely concerned about your family and he simply does not share your beliefs. I think honey attracts more flies. Get counseling, talk to a priest… but don’t push him. Certainly he did go behind your back and that was unethical. Don’t be a mind-reader or assume his motives. Find a time when you can both have a calm, positive discussion. Use the “I” statement:

“Honey, when you got a vasectomy, I felt [What were your feelings here? Hurt? Scared? Disrespected?] I would like you to tell me specifically what your reasons were for the procedure.”

You may be surprised at how things will turn out. Certainly pray about it.

I wish you love and all the best!!!
Cara:hug1:
 
I am so sorry to read about this. Your husband has betrayed your trust, and done something on his own that should have been a decision reached by the two of you. It’s not just the action of what he did, it’s the principle behind it. It is a huge betrayal since it is not just his body but yours since you are united into one flesh.

Is your husband hostile to the Church? I wonder, because he should have recognized that you are going to become a Catholic and this is a huge deal for you. Maybe he’s angry that you are becoming a Catholic.

Whatever his reasoning, you should probably get professional help to deal with the issues. Your pain and anger need to be expressed and honored and he needs to realize the impact of what he did. You will be in my prayers.
 
We did get to talk about what happened, and how it happened. He told me he thought it would be easier if he waited until it was done to save us some arguments. He told me he made the decision a few months ago. Made the appt. a few weeks ago, and didn’t want to ruin my vacation at my sister’s house by telling me as soon as it was done. Then he didn’t want to tell me while I was making the 14 hour drive home with all the kids, then he wanted to wait until he kids went to bed before he told me, but I saw the charge on the credit card before that happened.

As to counselling we are already seeing a counselor to help us deal with some things that happened to me in the past that make our relationship more difficult.

We have talked about this in the past, and usually we just end up at an impasse. I tell him lets wait to talk again when it becomes an issue. I guess he figured with the baby turning 6 months then it was an issue. I thought we were really going to do the NFP thing- I mean really do it this time. I have been taking my temperature everyday and keeping track of it on an app on my phone (actually I was using 3 different ones just to be safe), I haven’t had a cycle yet but I was going to be in the habit before that happened.

I do not want to divorce my husband. I love my husband. So there is no need to even talk about an annulment. I know that according to the Church this is not my sin, and that sex with my husband is not going to be considered a sin, but it just feels wrong. I know in time I will heal with God’s help, but the time hasn’t passed yet. My husband is sorry about the way he did it, but he is not sorry about doing it. And honestly I always knew he would eventually, because he struggles with the kids, but I thought at least it would be something we talked about and I thought he would have a full grasp of my feelings before it happened. All that’s left now is to move forward and let God help my hurts.
 
Forgive it. Forget it. Love endures all. Believes all. Forgives all. Such like as that. Just be thankful you are not married to a “Catholic” who pulled this stunt. If you check out the Catholic singles websites, you’ll find plenty of pseudos who refuse basic Church teachings and say so. OK? Look, this is a love issue. Bubba has a little blank spot. You have more to love now. Just pray for a little Chinese baby girl to break his heart open so you can balance the checkbook around adoption fees. There’s no yesterday; no tomorrow. Let your mourning be done, as King David knew. May the Most High lavish your family with activist loving for each other and for those in need of the light of understanding forgiveness. Ask the kids and your husband if they would like to be involved with your CASA volunteer work…
 
Am I a horrible Catholic if I admit that even though I love my family and (most of the time) really want an even bigger family…sometimes I wish my husband would do this?

We all go through times where we have doubts and worries about our abilities to provide everything our kids need and be great parents, and there is SO MUCH cultural influence to limit our kids, so I can understand why someone would let that get the better of them. It’s particularly hard on those of us who have changing bodies and can no longer use NFP as effectively as we used to be able to (and even brag about being able to!) and end up with more kids than what we bargained for.

I’m not saying it’s right what he did. And I know it hurts that he did this without telling you.

But at least he does have SOME consideration in the timing of telling you. That shows that at least on some level, he cares about your feelings. I wish people had more consideration like that instead of always waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me bad news, insuring I go the rest of the night without any sleep!

Forgive and forget. Not one of us goes a day without missing the mark in some way. God knows we are weak and He has a wonderful plan for us anyway.
 
I am so sorry to hear that this has happenned. First I completely agree that you should go to marriage counseling. Second for your own sanity there is an annulment and divorce group that you can get into by clicking the link in my signature block to get some support for the decree of nullity process you have been going through now. Third, once you and your husband have worked through it and you want to resume relations with him (assuming marriage is convalidated, etc) then this is his sin not yours. You are not complicit in the act of contraception. This has been talked about by several of the apologists on here. God bless you on your Confirmation process and yes, you can still practice NFP as a couple as purplesunshine said as an act of contrition.
 
terri_fortner said:
We did get to talk about what happened, and how it happened. He told me he thought it would be easier if he waited until it was done to save us some arguments. He told me he made the decision a few months ago. Made the appt. a few weeks ago, and didn’t want to ruin my vacation at my sister’s house by telling me as soon as it was done. Then he didn’t want to tell me while I was making the 14 hour drive home with all the kids, then he wanted to wait until he kids went to bed before he told me, but I saw the charge on the credit card before that happened.

As to counselling we are already seeing a counselor to help us deal with some things that happened to me in the past that make our relationship more difficult.

We have talked about this in the past, and usually we just end up at an impasse. I tell him lets wait to talk again when it becomes an issue. I guess he figured with the baby turning 6 months then it was an issue. I thought we were really going to do the NFP thing- I mean really do it this time. I have been taking my temperature everyday and keeping track of it on an app on my phone (actually I was using 3 different ones just to be safe), I haven’t had a cycle yet but I was going to be in the habit before that happened.

I do not want to divorce my husband. I love my husband. So there is no need to even talk about an annulment. I know that according to the Church this is not my sin, and that sex with my husband is not going to be considered a sin, but it just feels wrong. I know in time I will heal with God’s help, but the time hasn’t passed yet. My husband is sorry about the way he did it, but he is not sorry about doing it. And honestly I always knew he would eventually, because he struggles with the kids, but I thought at least it would be something we talked about and I thought he would have a full grasp of my feelings before it happened. All that’s left now is to move forward and let God help my hurts.
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Well he was 100% wrong on that score, wasn’t he? Maybe it will have saved some actual arguments, but it leaves you with a bitterness and a broken place in your heart, and YOU are left to deal with the damages while he goes merrily on with life. I think people may have mentioned the annulment in regards to your previous marriages, not your current one. I would never suggest a divorce.

Your husband is not a Catholic and evidently cannot understand the Catholic approach to life. Does he think of children as more of a strain than a blessing or a gift? Or feel overwhelmed by their neediness? Or jealous of the time you spend with them?

You know, it may not be much comfort to you, but I can picture my husband doing the same thing. I became infertile when our 2nd son was only 3, or we might have had a couple more,but my hubby was always just fine with birth control. He never wanted a large family in the first place. I am sure that if he reached the point where he felt “enough already,” he’d go in for the procedure. And he IS a Catholic!!!😦
 
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