DH is not Catholic & engages in porn

[Mamaquick]

I converted to Catholicism in 2002. I married my husband in 2008 and we had our baby boy in 2009. Since the birth of our son we have practiced NFP. My husband respected my beliefs to not make me get on the pill or use condoms.

My DH was raised Methodist. He can quote the Bible word for word but refuses to go to church especially Mass. He did go with me while we were dating however. He also will not allow me to baptize our son in the Church. He thinks that our children should do that once they are old enough to make that decision for themselves. I worry about my son’s soul God forbid if something should happen to him.

My DH is an amazing father & husband. He is the primary breadwinner. I work part-time and stay home with our son during the day & night. (He works nights…) But, he engages in porn & chats with girls on those sites. He knows how much it hurts me & will stop for a while. But now his computer, phone and ipad are all password protected. I tried to get him to watch Fireproof with me but he said it was too mushy.

I don’t know what else to do than continue to pray for my DH. We live in TX. But are both from FL. It’s really lonely going to mass by myself. I don’t have any practicing Catholic friends here.

Thank you for listening & I appreciate any advice you can offer.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The problem that I see here is that you have told your husband that this hurts you and he does not care. Get counseling or his flippant attitude will seriously damage if not end your marriage.

 

[Dee_S]

The problem that I see here is that you have told your husband that this hurts you and he does not care. Get counseling or his flippant attitude will seriously damage if not end your marriage.

I totally agree. Get advice from a Catholic priest as soon as possible.

He will not allow you to baptize your children - sorry, but this is alarming. I understand you are a convert and are in a new and difficult situation, but…there are responsibilities with eternal consequences being the Catholic parent here.

Your DH is committing (at the least) ‘emotional infidelity’ - this is serious and hurtful.

No matter that he is ‘nice’ about it and provides well - this situation is going to do serious damage.

Will keep you in my prayers most definitely - but this situation calls for action, and that action to be well supported by priests/counsellors to help you through what is going to be a very difficult time once you begin to oppose his wishes and disturb his ‘comfort zone’.

 

[Hokomai]

I do not know what sort of ‘porn’ your husband is looking at, or why he has shared the fact that he does this with you. On the face of it, there may be nothing more to this than a difference in moral perspective, and an insensitivity on the part of your husband to your feelings. Ideal subjects to discuss in counseling. Tell him he can pick the counselor. Meanwhile, concentrate on what you agree on. Disclaimer: I am entirely inexpert in anything to do with any of this, and am an unbeliever to boot, so please assess my advice accordingly.

 

[SaintPatrick333]

The fact he admits to porn and talking to other girls shows how much he cares for his supposed “christian faith”. Also the fact he won’t allow you to fulfill your obligations to Christ to raise your children Catholic shows how he is failing at being christian himself. Maybe point out to him how he can not judge your faith when he is failing whatever he holds as his, so miserably. I would suggest as others have that you speak with a Priest as soon as possible. You can only go so far for your husband without controlling him but do not do not do not sacrifice on your faith for your children because of your husbands wishes. You are serving Christ and doing as He asks of you by raising them in the Sacraments. Sometimes we must choose Christ over our spouse even within the context of marriage. Obviously his issues with pornography and chatting with other women need to be addressed and solved before it causes any more harm to your marriage. I will pray for you and your family! May God lead your husband to the Truth of the faith where he might receive the light of Christ for the first time and find the peace he needs to go on. Porn and chatting with other women will not bring him happiness, only sink him.

 

[BillTheSlink]

Firstly as to your child’s baptism: If you were married in the Church, which if you were not that opens a whole new can of worms, to a non-Catholic he HAD TO AGREE to raise the child Catholic or the marriage would not have been allowed.

As to the porn: As one that used to struggle with this I can tell you this is an addictive behavior which gets more extreme and I can tell you by what you have said, “That he chats with women”, this has already escalated and will to the point of actual adultery if it hasn’t already, and quite frankly I suspicion it has since now even the phone is password protected.

You need to make an appointment with your priest and sit down and go over the full situation as to what is going and make it clear to him that you are willing to do “whatever it takes” to get this situation rectified. Whether you want to admit it or not your husband has already committed adultery, as Jesus said “Any man who looks upon a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Now it’s true 99.8% of us guys have some problems here or there with lust, but to intentionally, repeatedly give into the addiction of porn and also to be engaging in at least emotional relationships with women in chat is a different story altogether. He is a serial adulterer at this point.

I do not want to give you the impression that you shouldn’t forgive him if he repents. Just the opposite is true. It may also be necessary though for you to (hopefully) temporarily separate to drive him into counseling. But be prepared for the fact he may not really care for you and file for divorce rather than give up his beloved porn, or only God knows what else is going on. This is a step you need to talk about with your priest though. It may allow you time though to get the child baptized. By the way, you are aware of course you may baptize the child yourself if there are extenuating circumstances and he won’t let you take Jr. to church? Perhaps next time he gets a cold you could over react and be in fear of his life.

 

[coachdennis]

I totally agree. Get advice from a Catholic priest as soon as possible.

He will not allow you to baptize your children - sorry, but this is alarming. I understand you are a convert and are in a new and difficult situation, but…there are responsibilities with eternal consequences being the Catholic parent here.

Your DH is committing (at the least) ‘emotional infidelity’ - this is serious and hurtful.

No matter that he is ‘nice’ about it and provides well - this situation is going to do serious damage.

Will keep you in my prayers most definitely - but this situation calls for action, and that action to be well supported by priests/counsellors to help you through what is going to be a very difficult time once you begin to oppose his wishes and disturb his ‘comfort zone’.

 

[Gorgias]

Firstly as to your child’s baptism: If you were married in the Church, which if you were not that opens a whole new can of worms, to a non-Catholic he HAD TO AGREE to raise the child Catholic or the marriage would not have been allowed.

Actually, that’s not true. It used to be that way, but canon law has changed. Now, the Catholic has to make a statement that they realize that, in a mixed marriage, it may be difficult for her in the practice of her faith, and the Catholic has to make a promise “to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church”. In addition, the non-Catholic party is to be informed of this statement and promise (CIC, 1125, §1-2). (However, the non-Catholic is no longer bound to agree to it.)

 

[Used2beSherryG]

You will need to be fortified with the sacraments, speak with your priest about the situation and I would definitely get my baby Baptised immediately, whether your husband likes it or not.
My husband got involved with pornography and there was much fighting, upset and I was devastated. i decided that this was a hill I was willing to die on and told him in all seriousness that I was prepared to end the marriage because of this. I was not bluffing and began to take the steps to separate from him. He also is non Catholic but did go thru precana and marry me in the catholic church. He still does not go to church regularly, but skirts around the edges. We had our computer scrubbed clean and he was able to keep his promise to stay off the computer and away from pornography. This is a very serious problem in the world today. Anyone who thinks its “no big deal” is way off base. The objectification of women and the self centered pleasure seeking of engaging in porn corrupts the soul and causes a complete breakdown in any marriage over time. A person who engages in porn becomes very sick and evil. Detachment from any real emotion or personal attachments and relationships allows the person to sink deeper into this addiction. Don’t wait. For the good of your family, take action now. I will pray for you. Please pray, do penance, receive the sacraments and by all means have your child baptized regardless!

 

[starryheart]

Go and talk to a priest. If you’re too nervous ,call from your phone. He will surely advice you on what to do. Receive the Sacraments. Receive Jesus in Holy Communion. He will give you strength. I will be praying for you.

 

[dean24us]

First, just some quick background info on me… My own life & marriage has several parallels to your own. When we were married, my wife was Catholic and I was a non-practicing Protestant (raised primarily Baptist and Pentecostal). I was vehemently anti-Catholic for many years of our marriage until I had a “conversion experience” in 2010. Like you, we had out first child roughly a year after our marriage, and ran in to disputes during the first several years of marriage similar to your own. I don’t have a “silver bullet” answer for your situation, but perhaps my own experiences will provide some insight that you might be able to use in your own marriage.

I converted to Catholicism in 2002. I married my husband in 2008 and we had our baby boy in 2009. Since the birth of our son we have practiced NFP. My husband respected my beliefs to not make me get on the pill or use condoms.

It sounds like you’re in Year 4 of your marriage. Know that most marriages hit a “low point” around years 4-5. I’m not sure how or why this is the case, but I’ve heard similar accounts from others. In short, you ARE NOT alone. The good news is that once you get past the “hump”, things definitely get better, and the bond between you and your husband will be stronger for it. My wife and I recently celebrated our 15th anniversary, and I can honestly say that our relationship has never been better.

My DH was raised Methodist. He can quote the Bible word for word but refuses to go to church especially Mass. He did go with me while we were dating however. He also will not allow me to baptize our son in the Church. He thinks that our children should do that once they are old enough to make that decision for themselves. I worry about my son’s soul God forbid if something should happen to him.

Again, not too different from my own situation. I don’t know if your husband is a practicing (i.e. goes to church regularly) Methodist, but I was not and felt the same way about baptizing our daughter before the age of reason. The way we worked past this is that we first agreed agreed that we both wanted our daughter to be raised with Christian values. Since I was didn’t attend church and my wife did, that resulted in my daughter being raised in the Catholic church by default, with the understanding that I would have the opportunity to expose her to my own faith at some point in the future (even though this never actually happened). In retrospect, this allowed my wife to raise our daughter Catholic while avoiding any feelings of resentment on my part (i.e. since I could take my daughter to a Protestant church if I ever decided to in the future).

With regard to the baptism part, this came as a natural extension to our agreement on letting my wife take our daughter to Catholic church. I was against it at first, but I eventually came to the conclusion that this was “the way Catholics did things”, and I didn’t have any rational reason to oppose it since I wasn’t going to church myself. On top of that, I came to the conclusion that my daughter could always get re-baptized in the future in a Protestant church if she wanted (remember, most Protestant denominations are okay with multiple baptisms).

My DH is an amazing father & husband. He is the primary breadwinner. I work part-time and stay home with our son during the day & night. (He works nights…) But, he engages in porn & chats with girls on those sites. He knows how much it hurts me & will stop for a while. But now his computer, phone and ipad are all password protected. I tried to get him to watch Fireproof with me but he said it was too mushy.

Again, as much as it pains me to admit it, not too different from my own experience. I never actually engaged with the “chats with girls” side of things, but there were several occasions where I almost “crossed the line” (fortunately, I never did). I mostly kept my habits a secret from my wife, so in that respect it was different from your situation, but I did the same type of things you mentioned: password-protecting my accounts, hiding my “tracks”, etc.

In retrospect, I think a large part of this was the fact that I was bored with and wasn’t happy in my marriage (this was around 4 years in to our marriage – see my above point regarding the “years 4-5” above), so it wouldn’t surprise me if what your experiencing is something similar. My lust for porn continued for several years. What ultimately broke my “addiction” (if you want to call it that) was my aforementioned conversion experience in to the Catholic church.

Unfortunately, the decision of whether to give up porn is going to be his. I don’t know anything that you can say or do to change his mind, other than being a faithful wife and setting a good example by not “stooping to his level”. Perhaps others can offer better suggestions on this front…?

I don’t know what else to do than continue to pray for my DH. We live in TX. But are both from FL. It’s really lonely going to mass by myself. I don’t have any practicing Catholic friends here.

Definitely continue to pray that the Lord will soften his heart and mind. With regard to outside help, I know several people have recommended you speak to your priest. I think this is a wonderful idea, but you may want to keep this secret at first. I say this because your husband will probably resent you for “airing your dirty laundry” to a priest if he finds out. In addition, if your husband is as anti-Catholic as I was at the time, he will probably oppose any request to come and speak with the priest. Hopefully, your priest can give you better advice on what to do in your situation.

With regard to feeling alone, the best advice I can offer is to try and get involved with groups at church. Most parishes offer different opportunities for getting involved, and you’ll be able to make friends and (ultimately) be able to develop a support network. As an added bonus, seeing your involvement in the Church may inspire your husband to learn more and get involved himself, which (in my opinion) is the BEST fix for your situation.

Thank you for listening & I appreciate any advice you can offer.

Again, I wish I could give you a single bit of advice that will help your situation, but marriages and inter-personal relationships are far too complex for me to give a single answer. I truly hope that my own experiences can help in resolving your own issues.

God bless,
Dean

 

[dean24us]

P.S. Sorry about the length of my reply… I started typing, and the words just kept coming!

 

[The_Bucket]

I doesn’t matter if he’s Catholic or not. Pornography is insidious, evil and highly addictive. Dean has hit on all of the points I could possibly hit. Aside from the damage done by the actual sin, the deception involved in hiding the sin and its addictive nature bleeds into absolutely every part of a porn addict’s life.

I have to concede that I’ve lived that life. Like Dean I didn’t cross the line of talking to other women in person or online, but that hardly matters really because I crossed so many other lines. I thank God every day that when my wife found out she packed up the kids and LEFT for two weeks. It forced me to be honest with myself, with my family and with God. I had a serious conversion in my heart and returned to embracing my faith.

The wounds in my case are still pretty fresh. It’s only been some number of months since that crazy turning point but our relationship, while still bearing scars, is actually much, much better than it has been in a couple of years.

That stuff needs to go and it needs to go now. I don’t mean to belittle not attending church on Sundays but porn is a progressive addiction. It WILL go beyond “merely” chatting online. I know I never got to that point in my life, but I’m darn sure it would have gotten there. Sadly, all I have to do is look at my father and know that I would have gone down that road had I not been forced to change.

 

[Dee_S]

Actually, that’s not true. It used to be that way, but canon law has changed. Now, the Catholic has to make a statement that they realize that, in a mixed marriage, it may be difficult for her in the practice of her faith, and the Catholic has to make a promise “to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church”. In addition, the non-Catholic party is to be informed of this statement and promise (CIC, 1125, §1-2). (However, the non-Catholic is no longer bound to agree to it.)

Canon law has changed…but it seems for the better!

The non catholic party has only to be informed, so no permission or commitment required. The Catholic spouse has a duty (committed to) which they must do “all in their power” to carry out. Here are some quotes and a link to the vatican code of canon law:

"1/ the Catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;

2/ the other party is to be informed at an appropriate time about the promises which the Catholic party is to make, in such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party;

3/ both parties are to be instructed about the purposes and essential properties of marriage which neither of the contracting parties is to exclude."
vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/_P41.HTM

 

[BillTheSlink]

Actually, that’s not true. It used to be that way, but canon law has changed. Now, the Catholic has to make a statement that they realize that, in a mixed marriage, it may be difficult for her in the practice of her faith, and the Catholic has to make a promise “to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church”. In addition, the non-Catholic party is to be informed of this statement and promise (CIC, 1125, §1-2). (However, the non-Catholic is no longer bound to agree to it.)

Not to get off topic but I have to ask: Really?? When did that change? I am a convert that came in a year ago last Divine Mercy Sunday. It isn’t like I have a long memory of cannon law or church practice. I do know in order to be married in my parish that is the agreement they have to enter into or they will not be married in it. Is that an abuse or is it up to the discretion of the priest(s) assigned to the parish? To be honest with you I think that part of cannon law then, if you’re reading it correctly, which I don’t doubt, is not only bad practice but goes against Paul’s admonition to, “Be ye not unequally yoked.” I guess what I am driving at is that while being married to one of our separated brothers may not be an unequal yoke since they are in deed Christians even if in schism or having been at one time being considered heterodox, would the same hold true if one wanted to marry a Muslim, Jew, or Hindu, or something else. If so I would say the Church is actually leaving the door open to actually giving its blessing to sin. Please correct me if I am wrong, which I hope I am.

 

[bmaj]

I converted to Catholicism in 2002. I married my husband in 2008 and we had our baby boy in 2009. Since the birth of our son we have practiced NFP. My husband respected my beliefs to not make me get on the pill or use condoms.

My DH was raised Methodist. He can quote the Bible word for word but refuses to go to church especially Mass. He did go with me while we were dating however. He also will not allow me to baptize our son in the Church. He thinks that our children should do that once they are old enough to make that decision for themselves. I worry about my son’s soul God forbid if something should happen to him.

My DH is an amazing father & husband. He is the primary breadwinner. I work part-time and stay home with our son during the day & night. (He works nights…) But, he engages in porn & chats with girls on those sites. He knows how much it hurts me & will stop for a while. But now his computer, phone and ipad are all password protected. I tried to get him to watch Fireproof with me but he said it was too mushy.

I don’t know what else to do than continue to pray for my DH. We live in TX. But are both from FL. It’s really lonely going to mass by myself. I don’t have any practicing Catholic friends here.

Thank you for listening & I appreciate any advice you can offer.

This is so sad to hear on many levels. As several above have recommended, please talk with a Priest. You should be allowed to have your child baptized. Please…please… discuss the situation with a Priest, and try to get counseling ASAP - with or without your husband if he won’t go.

The whole situation of porn and your husband chatting with females on porn sites is also just another extremely important reason to get counseling - and the quicker the better. It almost sounds like your husband has tried to brainwash you into letting him do what he wants, no matter what. You deserve to be treated much better than that. “Virtual” adultery is still adultery in my opinion.

There is also a support group here at CAF titled “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity” which deals specifically with the issue of pornography usage by husbands. It might be beneficial for you if you wish to join. Unfortunately that problem in a marriage is very common, but definitely not excusable.

It can also help tremendously to keep Our Lord close in your heart by praying and receiving the Sacraments as often as possible. He is there for you, no matter what. May God bless you and your family and give you strength.

 

[Dee_S]

Not to get off topic but I have to ask: Really?? When did that change? I am a convert that came in a year ago last Divine Mercy Sunday. It isn’t like I have a long memory of cannon law or church practice. I do know in order to be married in my parish that is the agreement they have to enter into or they will not be married in it. Is that an abuse or is it up to the discretion of the priest(s) assigned to the parish? To be honest with you I think that part of cannon law then, if you’re reading it correctly, which I don’t doubt, is not only bad practice but goes against Paul’s admonition to, “Be ye not unequally yoked.” I guess what I am driving at is that while being married to one of our separated brothers may not be an unequal yoke since they are in deed Christians even if in schism or having been at one time being considered heterodox, would the same hold true if one wanted to marry a Muslim, Jew, or Hindu, or something else. If so I would say the Church is actually leaving the door open to actually giving its blessing to sin. Please correct me if I am wrong, which I hope I am.

More questions than answers sometimesseems that we need to research subjects of interest until we get to the bottom of the matter. One can trust that the Church is right, just our perception of their teaching needs to catch up sometimes. Looking at the ‘new’ obligations, it seems they make more sense and are certainly more strict on the Catholic spouse, which i don’t think was the case before. The previous focus seemed to be on getting the non Catholic spouse to ‘sign’ a commitment to allow the children to be brought up Catholic - whereas now the following appear more comprehensive.

"1/ the Catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;
There is quite an obligation on the Catholic party to play an active role in this marriage and profess and live their Faith.

2/ the other party is to be informed at an appropriate time about the promises which the Catholic party is to make, in such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party;
It is made pretty clear to the non Catholic party that their spouse is fully committed to their Faith etc etc and is obliged to act on it and that they are informed of this so that it can’t be claimed afterwards that they did not know what they were in for.

3/ both parties are to be instructed about the purposes and essential properties of marriage which neither of the contracting parties is to exclude."
The instructions are very comprehensive regarding the essential purpose and properties of marriage - there is no way after this marriage instruction that any of the parties can say they do not know what marriage is about nor what marriage actually constitutes.

i.e. all three of these ‘laws’ should be taken seriously by those wishing to marry. Personally i think that even if only half of what’s asked is absorbed and carried out, there would be that much less in problem marriages, as most issues/problems in a marriage are a result of selfish, ego-centric mindsets that put themselves before even God, the Church, their spouse etc… as in the sad case of our friend here who’s DH seems to be on his own mission and not that of either his Creator or his Wife:shrug:
vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/_P41.HTM

 

[Gorgias]

Not to get off topic but I have to ask: Really?? When did that change?

Yeah, really.

I believe that the change came about with the promulgation of the new Code of Canon Law of 1983.

It isn’t like I have a long memory of cannon law or church practice. I do know in order to be married in my parish that is the agreement they have to enter into or they will not be married in it. Is that an abuse or is it up to the discretion of the priest(s) assigned to the parish?

You were told that, unless you became Catholic, you could not be married in the Catholic Church? Oh, my…

Now, a particular priest might be unaware of the changes …
or he might simply be saying “I myself will not witness the wedding unless you become Catholic” (which is possibly even more problematic, inasmuch as it seems to at least have the effect of coercing people into becoming Catholic)…
but he should not be making the characterization that the Church would not allow the marriage of a Catholic and a non-Catholic. (In fact, the Church teaches that people should be aware of the particular difficulties that ensue in such a marriage – and this is the reason behind this particular point of canon law – and it might ask Catholics to seriously discern the wisdom of a mixed marriage. But, it doesn’t prohibit it outright.)

To be honest with you I think that part of cannon law then, if you’re reading it correctly, which I don’t doubt, is not only bad practice but goes against Paul’s admonition to, “Be ye not unequally yoked.” I guess what I am driving at is that while being married to one of our separated brothers may not be an unequal yoke since they are in deed Christians even if in schism or having been at one time being considered heterodox, would the same hold true if one wanted to marry a Muslim, Jew, or Hindu, or something else.

You’re hitting right at the heart of it, here! Paul says, “(d)o not be yoked with those who are different, with unbelievers.” In context, he’s talking strictly about those who do not believe in Christ. So, a “mixed marriage” (the technical term in canon law for a marriage between a Catholic and a non-Catholic-Christian) isn’t what Paul is talking about in 2 Cor 6:14.

If so I would say the Church is actually leaving the door open to actually giving its blessing to sin. Please correct me if I am wrong, which I hope I am.

Right – the Church isn’t “giving its blessing to sin”, since mixed marriage isn’t what Paul is addressing. In the case of “disparity of cult” (again, a technical term, for a marriage of a baptized person and a non-baptized person), an attempt at marriage is invalid. (However, for a just cause, this impediment to marriage may be dispensed. So, Paul’s admonition against “unequal yoking” notwithstanding, the Church realizes that there may be cases in which greater harm may be done by prohibiting the marriage than by allowing it.)

 

[Abbett999]

You need to start showing your husband some sexual excitement so that he doesn’t need to go on those web sites… What he’s doing on there is obviously no good… But it’s indicative that maybe you like most wives are ignoring his primary physical needs. I would suggest trying to devote 10-20 minutes twice a week to HIS PLEASURE. It will make the other 168 hours of the week go that much better for him. Bottom line, if he’s satisfied by you, he won’t have to go elsewhere…

Unfortunately women don’t (and probably cant) understand this about men but just take my word for it… God loving or not, we have physical urges that are just as strong as needing to eat or breathe. Doesn’t matter how religious you are, you still need to eat. Take my word for it, your man will highly appreciate the new “attentive” you, and you’ll reap many rewards that make the small cost (20-40 minutes per week) well worth it!

 

[The_Bucket]

You need to start showing your husband some sexual excitement so that he doesn’t need to go on those web sites… What he’s doing on there is obviously no good… But it’s indicative that maybe you like most wives are ignoring his primary physical needs. I would suggest trying to devote 10-20 minutes twice a week to HIS PLEASURE. It will make the other 168 hours of the week go that much better for him. Bottom line, if he’s satisfied by you, he won’t have to go elsewhere…

Unfortunately women don’t (and probably cant) understand this about men but just take my word for it… God loving or not, we have physical urges that are just as strong as needing to eat or breathe. Doesn’t matter how religious you are, you still need to eat. Take my word for it, your man will highly appreciate the new “attentive” you, and you’ll reap many rewards that make the small cost (20-40 minutes per week) well worth it!

Thanks for jumping the shark to troll status there bro. It’s certainly appreciated.