DH may leave me b/c house isn't clean

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mt_gooseberry

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I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder after we were married that leaves me very fatigued. I was in a “remission,” of sorts, but recently I have had a relapse (likely due to stress) that leaves me drained of energy. I have been struggling to get the housework and cooking done. DH has admitted that he didn’t get married because he loved me, but because he wanted someone to cook and clean and have/raise his kids. He says that he has since come to love me, but he is really struggling with having a messy house. We have been working towards getting our marriage convalidated, and I finally received my certificate of baptism so we can move on to the next step. DH has now told me he doesn’t want to get our marriage blessed. Long story short, DH is considering leaving. He said he is not happy with how I am keeping the house. He told me he would take the next few months to decide if he can live this way or not.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not getting the love and support that I need. He’s not getting the clean house he needs. But I don’t want it to be over. He is the only man I have ever been with, I have never even had another boyfriend. He is the only man I want to be with. I love him. Plus, we have two kids and I am financially dependant on him. I just can’t believe he cares more about a clean house than me, his wife.

Please pray that he comes to his senses!
 
Oh, I am so sorry your husband is treating you this way. His ideas about Christian marriage are so wrong. If he wants a cleaner house, he could hire you some domestic help. You deserve to be loved and cherished for being you, not for how well you are able to serve him.

Saying a prayer for your marriage. :gopray:
 
Praying for you. There isn’t much you can do in this situation. This is your husband’s problem. He needs to man up and be a husband and father. If things aren’t going your way, leaving isn’t an option. If you came up with a plan that would allow you to successfully keep the house clean, you would still have a man with “give up” in his system. Really, cleaning isn’t the issue here, even if that’s what he’s complaining about. Maybe you could get some help from the priest, or maybe his father might have a “man to man” with him. (Or even maybe your dad might give him a reminder of what he expected when he watching his daughter walk down the aisle.) I hope his heart changes soon, but whatever happens, just remember that God has you in His hands.
 
Whatever you do - please make sure you talk this issue BEFORE you convalidate your marriage. God bless you and prayers for your healing as well as your husbands.
 
I’m troubled to hear about your situation. It’s not helpful to autoimmune illness to live with insecurity. Stress has the tendency to exacerbate the symptoms. It’s awful to live under the stress of feeling your spouse may decide any time to leave, and to feel that he doesn’t really love you, so much as what you should get done.
Feel free to PM if you like.

Can you create a structure where you do faithfully devote an hour or half hour to work, and then rest? At least to alleviate the situation. Prolonged resting is depressing anyway and makes it harder to act. Can you manage yourself in a way that helps both you and your husband?

I do, sadly, know other men who left because the house was never tidy.
It does seem to be a non-negotiable with some. My own husband can’t stand it even if I leave a couple of things on the kitchen bench. I find such items on the corner of the dining table waiting for my collection of them! He himself was always neat. Even folds his dirty laundry. Never leaves anything around. ( I prefer things to be tidy myself.)
It is necessary for him to have order and this may be so for your husband. Some may say he needs to help with housework, but if he’s like my husband he believes in a clear division of labor as my husband always called it. And if your husband is ‘sole breadwinner’ he probably won’t see it as his task to help.

That he married you for a purpose rather than love and with a purpose would suggest to me that your husband is more goal than people orientated, and much as we wish, people don’t really change their natures.
My prayers for you that you and your husband can find a wise and loving way though this.

As the union isn’t convalidated you are in a difficult position as there are various issues there and you really do need to have a very honest talk with your priest.

If your husband isn’t committed to, and abandons the marriage, then to go ahead with the convalidation could provide even more dilemmas.
Nor would it be in the spirit of a true convalidation and it is a genuine convalidation that you require for your marriage to be valid.

I hope and pray that your priest is a wise and a true shepherd of the Church

Love and prayers,
May God guide and protect you.

Trishie
 
mt_gooseberry said:
DH has admitted that he didn’t get married because he loved me, but because he wanted someone to cook and clean and have/raise his kids.
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I hate to say this, but let him go. If that’s what he married you for, let him go. He didn’t marry you for the right reasons. You don’t deserve to have to put up with such nonsense. He seems very insensitive, especially in light of your fatigue! If he wants someone to cook and clean for him, let him move back in with his mama! 😉 :twocents:
 
mt_gooseberry said:
I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder after we were married that leaves me very fatigued. I was in a “remission,” of sorts, but recently I have had a relapse (likely due to stress) that leaves me drained of energy. I have been struggling to get the housework and cooking done. DH has admitted that he didn’t get married because he loved me, but because he wanted someone to cook and clean and have/raise his kids. He says that he has since come to love me, but he is really struggling with having a messy house. We have been working towards getting our marriage convalidated, and I finally received my certificate of baptism so we can move on to the next step. DH has now told me he doesn’t want to get our marriage blessed. Long story short, DH is considering leaving. He said he is not happy with how I am keeping the house. He told me he would take the next few months to decide if he can live this way or not.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not getting the love and support that I need. He’s not getting the clean house he needs. But I don’t want it to be over. He is the only man I have ever been with, I have never even had another boyfriend. He is the only man I want to be with. I love him. Plus, we have two kids and I am financially dependant on him. I just can’t believe he cares more about a clean house than me, his wife.

Please pray that he comes to his senses!
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Well, that makes me very sad. Did he marry you to be his maid and nanny? What a hurtful revelation that must have been! “Oh, no, I didn’t marry you for love, but so I would have a live-in maid and a womb to bear my children!” :eek::mad:

I guess he feels he is not getting what he bargained for…He did not foresee your illness, and did not see any need for him to support you, without getting what he wants in return. He is selfish and immature, and cruel.

How can he consider leaving his children over housework? This is so sad. You will be in my prayers.
 
mt_gooseberry said:
I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder after we were married that leaves me very fatigued. I was in a “remission,” of sorts, but recently I have had a relapse (likely due to stress) that leaves me drained of energy. I have been struggling to get the housework and cooking done. DH has admitted that he didn’t get married because he loved me, but because he wanted someone to cook and clean and have/raise his kids. He says that he has since come to love me, but he is really struggling with having a messy house. We have been working towards getting our marriage convalidated, and I finally received my certificate of baptism so we can move on to the next step. DH has now told me he doesn’t want to get our marriage blessed. Long story short, DH is considering leaving. He said he is not happy with how I am keeping the house. He told me he would take the next few months to decide if he can live this way or not.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not getting the love and support that I need. He’s not getting the clean house he needs. But I don’t want it to be over. He is the only man I have ever been with, I have never even had another boyfriend. He is the only man I want to be with. I love him. Plus, we have two kids and I am financially dependant on him. I just can’t believe he cares more about a clean house than me, his wife.

Please pray that he comes to his senses!
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I’ve always wondered -what does DH mean…? Is it dumb husband or dear husband?
 
TEPO said:
I’ve always wondered -what does DH mean…? Is it dumb husband or dear husband?
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It’s dear husband. In this case, though, dumb husband might not be too much of a stretch.

OP, are you in a position to be able to hire some household help every 2 weeks or once a month? I find that when I get too far behind in cleaning, one visit from a maid service helps me get back on track and I can then carry on by myself. Especially with your physical limitations, this could be very helpful.

However, the idea that your husband did not consider this troubles me immensely. Has he been at all supportive of your illness, or does he think you are “broken” or “faking it?” If so, this shows that he is lacking empathy and will be of no help to you if your condition worsens. Not a good situation to be in. Your husband should be your partner in life, through good and bad, easy and hard, health and illness. He should want to help you however he can. The fact that he is considering leaving you troubles me greatly.

Why doesn’t he help around the house?
 
I will pray for you, but at this point, I would forget him, and think about taking care of yourself. Your children need you. Clearly, there is something wrong with him. Please go see a priest to help you sort this out. God bless, and let us know how it goes.
 
mt_gooseberry said:
I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder after we were married that leaves me very fatigued. I was in a “remission,” of sorts, but recently I have had a relapse (likely due to stress) that leaves me drained of energy. I have been struggling to get the housework and cooking done. DH has admitted that he didn’t get married because he loved me, but because he wanted someone to cook and clean and have/raise his kids. He says that he has since come to love me, but he is really struggling with having a messy house. We have been working towards getting our marriage convalidated, and I finally received my certificate of baptism so we can move on to the next step. DH has now told me he doesn’t want to get our marriage blessed. Long story short, DH is considering leaving. He said he is not happy with how I am keeping the house. He told me he would take the next few months to decide if he can live this way or not.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not getting the love and support that I need. He’s not getting the clean house he needs. But I don’t want it to be over. He is the only man I have ever been with, I have never even had another boyfriend. He is the only man I want to be with. I love him. Plus, we have two kids and I am financially dependant on him. I just can’t believe he cares more about a clean house than me, his wife.

Please pray that he comes to his senses!
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You can’t continue to live in that state, you risk your salvation. Are you going to Church at all, what does your parish priest say? Do you have relatives who can help you? If necessary you will have to go on relief. Not necessarily pleasant or what any of us would like but you made a mess and you have to straighten it out. That is the truth. It won’t be easy. You will thank me later. I will pray for you and everyone like you.
 
mt_gooseberry said:
I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder after we were married that leaves me very fatigued. I was in a “remission,” of sorts, but recently I have had a relapse (likely due to stress) that leaves me drained of energy. I have been struggling to get the housework and cooking done. DH has admitted that he didn’t get married because he loved me, but because he wanted someone to cook and clean and have/raise his kids. He says that he has since come to love me, but he is really struggling with having a messy house. We have been working towards getting our marriage convalidated, and I finally received my certificate of baptism so we can move on to the next step. DH has now told me he doesn’t want to get our marriage blessed. Long story short, DH is considering leaving. He said he is not happy with how I am keeping the house. He told me he would take the next few months to decide if he can live this way or not.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not getting the love and support that I need. He’s not getting the clean house he needs. But I don’t want it to be over. He is the only man I have ever been with, I have never even had another boyfriend. He is the only man I want to be with. I love him. Plus, we have two kids and I am financially dependant on him. I just can’t believe he cares more about a clean house than me, his wife.

Please pray that he comes to his senses!
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On second thought, you tell that jerk that if he doesn’t want to regularize your marriage you are going sue for divorce and take the kids and everything he has. Maybe that will sink into his pee brain.:yup:
 
Speak to your priest as soon as you can. Maker an appointment with your doctor and find out if there are any coping mechanisms he recommends - a change in medication, diet, etc.

Even if your husand does not change, you want to do the best for your spiritual and physical health. If he truly believes what he said, his priorities are very confused. For your own health though, how messy is your house? Disorganized or dirty? Since you have health problem already, living in a truly dirty house will not help.

How old are your children? It does take consistency, but teaching them to stay neat and learn to do chores properly will be very good for you and for them, no matter what happens with your husband.

I will be praying for a change of heart for him.
 
Monicad said:
I am sorry to bother you for details but they are important here. There is lack of information since “messy house” can mean so many things.

Is your husband upset because there are a few dishes in the sink? Or is your house crawling with cockroaches? Are there occassionally a few items of clothing on the floor or is your home piled with stacks of clothes and dirty items? There is a big difference so if you can define “messy house” that may be helpful.

As for your husband’s motivation to marry you, well that is a different story. We have to deal with the HERE and NOW. Okay so most people can accept living in a home that is not perfect, but does your family have clean clothes? Are the toilets clean? Are the stove and the refrigerator clean and have edible food that is not expired?

It is easy to quickly to blame your husband for being a jerk, but just want to make sure before judgement is passed. If your home is so messy that he is uncomfortable and does not feel at home and wants to leave that is a serious problem. If your home is a primarily clean place with clean clothes and fresh food and clean dishes then your husband may be being too picky. Please think about this and about ways you can change in addition to the ways he can change. Please think about counseling or seeing your priest. God bless.
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Good points here from Monicad.
To the OP, I also will pray for both you and your husband. You are married with two children together. I hope you will both go together and see a priest and a counselor. Don’t give up yet. I realize from what you write that he does seem very selfish, but people can heal each other and people do change. Have hope. You two may not feel big enough to change things, but God can work from within. I am so sorry he does not understand your very real fatigue and that he said unkind things to you. Before giving up, give counseling a try.
All best prayers,:heaven::grouphug::heaven:
Kathryn Ann
 
Thank you all for your responses and prayers. Here is some more background, as some of you have wondered.

I have immune thrombocytopenia purpura. My immune system is destroying my own platelets (the blood cells that clot to stop bleeding). DH told me he is torn between thinking I am faking the fatigue or using my condition as an excuse to be lazy and believing that I really am sick. I have extensive bruising and my blood tests have put my platelet count as low as 17,000 (normal being about 150,000), so he does admit that there is at least something wrong with me.

Our kids are 2.5yo and 11mo.

Honestly, our house gets pretty messy. I was able to keep up with it until pretty recently, but right now it is bad. I try to at least keep the kitchen picked up since that is only sanitary. I usually run a load of dishes every day, but I have to hand wash the pots and pans and silverware, and those can get backed up and sit in the sink for two or three days. Laundry is also done a few times a week, because we can’t wear dirty clothes. However, I frequently get behind on getting it put away so we lots of times have to dig through laundry baskets to get what we need. I try to only let the kids have a few things out at once, but invariably they end up with everything out, because I get too tired of policing that. My rule has always been to keep the garbage picked up, but looking around I see an empty beer can and three empty yogurt containers so obviously I’m not doing to well with that. It is usually not as messy as it is at this moment, but I’m also at a very low point with the ITP.

We live on one income so money is tight and I don’t think we could afford to pay for help. Sometimes my MIL comes to stay with us for awhile and she is a great help. Unfortunately she lives in Mexico so that is not a permanent option.

I go to Mass every Sunday, and DH usually goes too, but he has missed a few recently.

Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.
 
My younger sister had ITP for years. She outgrew it (she had it as a young teen), but I remember how it affected her.

I don’t have a lot of advice, but you’ll be in my prayers. As I’d suggest with all of these types of posts, contact your local Catholic Charities and see if you can get couple’s counseling on a sliding scale if you don’t have a lot of extra money.
 
SpeSalvi said:
My younger sister had ITP for years. She outgrew it (she had it as a young teen), but I remember how it affected her.

I don’t have a lot of advice, but you’ll be in my prayers. As I’d suggest with all of these types of posts, **contact your local Catholic Charities **and see if you can get couple’s counseling on a sliding scale if you don’t have a lot of extra money.
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Also contact your parish and see if you can get house help through the parish or through Catholic Charities. You might be able to get help in paying for a maid service.

Contact your county and state social services groups also. They may be able to send you help (a CNA or other services) on a sliding scale. It doesn’t sound like you need medical help, but making sure the house is sanitary for the kids (it sounds like it is) or even cooking lunch and cleaning up afterwards are services they might offer.

Yes, you and your husband need counseling. His attitude is amazing. But it can’t hurt to get a little help anyway. Although, washing a few pots and throwing away his own beer bottle sounds like a reasonable workload even if he is also the sole income.

Please be sure you are following all your doctors instructions especially in terms of diet which is so easy to lose track of! Supplements and proper food can get expensive I know but if it helps you get better it is worth it!
 
My_gooseberry,

Call your parish office and ask about a housecleaning ministry. My mother, before she became disabled herself, used to offer her services as a free housecleaner for people with disabilities in her church. She cleaned their houses for them once or twice a month, top to bottom, and chatted with them while she worked. She cleaned according to their preferences, too, because some preferred the strong industrial cleaners while others were sensitive to strong chemical odors. It usually took several hours. I went to help her on occasion. I am sure that even if your parish doesn’t have an official ministry for housecleaning help, that if you ask around among friends and acquaintances, you will find at least one person with an able body and a cheerful spirit for service! Don’t be afraid to ask. If you can get this housekeeping thing more manageable, maybe it will be easier to have a talk with your husband about marriage and living with a disability.

Praying for you still… :gopray:
 
I gotta ask. Who is leaving the beer cans around. Surely with your condition you’re not drinking. Tell me it’s not your husband who wants a neat house, who has a sick wife complains because you don’t pick up the trash that he leaves around for you.
 
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