DH may leave me b/c house isn't clean

[mt_gooseberry]

I gotta ask. Who is leaving the beer cans around. Surely with your condition you’re not drinking. Tell me it’s not your husband who wants a neat house, who has a sick wife complains because you don’t pick up the trash that he leaves around for you.

I feel bad heaping incriminations upon him, but yes, it was his beer can.

 

[ryecroft]

I hate to say this, but let him go. If that’s what he married you for, let him go. He didn’t marry you for the right reasons. You don’t deserve to have to put up with such nonsense. He seems very insensitive, especially in light of your fatigue! If he wants someone to cook and clean for him, let him move back in with his mama! :twocents:

Here here - don’t let him make the decision of if he wants to stay with you ! He does NOT deserve you! Figure out a way to leave him and for goodness sakes, don’t get it convalidated even if he wants to. He didn’t marry you for the reasons you should get married and he’s admitted it - either leave or kick him out or whatever you need to do. You can find someone so very much better who loves you and isn’t going to cre or base a marriage on if you can keep the house clean! And you’ve got 2 kids and he expects it to be very clean? I’m sorry you need to leave him with the kids for two days and see how clean the house is when you return - he needs to get real or get out! This will also be an awful influence on your kids once they’re old enough to realize how dad is treating mom.
God Bless
Rye

 

[ryecroft]

You can’t continue to live in that state, you risk your salvation. Are you going to Church at all, what does your parish priest say? Do you have relatives who can help you? If necessary you will have to go on relief. Not necessarily pleasant or what any of us would like but you made a mess and you have to straighten it out. That is the truth. It won’t be easy. You will thank me later. I will pray for you and everyone like you.

I’m sorry SHE didn’t make the mess - the husband did by lying to her about why he wanted to marry her. Yes she’s going to have to straighten it out - hopefully by being able to pick herself up - which I know is going to be hard with an illness and two kids. I hope you’ve got some family or friends that will take you in - he needs a dose of reality.
God Bless
Rye

 

[faithfully]

Some people, (like my husband) are TRUELY bothered by clutter and mess. It gives them anxiety.

A person truly bothered by clutter does not leave clutter around for another to pick up. And then complain that they didn’t pick it up.

Auto immune is very rarely understood. depending on the disease. Utterly exhausting. I speak from experience. Asking a person to do the basics is a lot. Getting angry about the failure to do so. Like getting mad at a wheel bound person for not walking.

I would recommend, however, counceling. This situation has the potential to be abusive in nature. It’s made some what clear the husband doesn’t really believe in her disease. As if it’s a matter of opinion.

 

[SerraSemper]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

You said your mother in law is in Mexico. It is likely, then that your civil law husband is Mexican. Mexican men will have “clear” divisions about what is “man’s work” and “woman’s work”. No amount of counseling is likely to change these ideas. Further, he “married” to get a maid. He is thinking of leaving because his maid is not performing up to expectations. On this count alone, he is not marriage material. If he had married in the Church, the Church would see the marriage as invalid if it did an annulment process… If there is a convalidation and there is no real change of heart, an annulment would easily be granted after a divorce.

A question you should ask yourself. Is he seeing another woman? In Mexico and South America, it is customary for a man to have a mistress on the side. Perhaps he is using housekeeping as an excuse to go to his true love?

While counseling is a good idea, the bottom line is that if things are going to work out, the man is going to have to acknowledge the limitations the disease has on the OP and a mutually worked out plan must be developed. Right now, the children should be first and foremost in both minds. Social workers should be able to explain resources, if the OPs family can’t help. The OP is a single woman in the Church’s eyes… Getting married is not going to solve any problems (other than fornication). The OP should explore what is available for disabled single moms and their children.

 

[NiceMimi]

I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder after we were married that leaves me very fatigued. I was in a “remission,” of sorts, but recently I have had a relapse (likely due to stress) that leaves me drained of energy. I have been struggling to get the housework and cooking done. DH has admitted that he didn’t get married because he loved me, but because he wanted someone to cook and clean and have/raise his kids. He says that he has since come to love me, but he is really struggling with having a messy house. We have been working towards getting our marriage convalidated, and I finally received my certificate of baptism so we can move on to the next step. DH has now told me he doesn’t want to get our marriage blessed. Long story short, DH is considering leaving. He said he is not happy with how I am keeping the house. He told me he would take the next few months to decide if he can live this way or not.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not getting the love and support that I need. He’s not getting the clean house he needs. But I don’t want it to be over. He is the only man I have ever been with, I have never even had another boyfriend. He is the only man I want to be with. I love him. Plus, we have two kids and I am financially dependant on him. I just can’t believe he cares more about a clean house than me, his wife.

Please pray that he comes to his senses!

Please get a second opinion. It could be that you were misdiagnosed, and you really need thyroid medication. If you do require thyroid medication please don’t get the generic brand since it may not work. Get the brand name thyroid medication.

I will continue praying for you and your children. God bless.

 

[ryecroft]

Personally, I’m thinking of what would happen if I were in this situation - if I was (and I do have a similar situation - kidney disease that often leaves me sick or exhausted and unable to do much around the house - but I do have a supportive husband - but he knew before we got married that I was sick -) but if I were to tell my mom my husband said what your - well partner or non Catholic husband (not sure the right word here) said, she would get in her jeep come down here pack up me and the cat and kids (assuming there are some - you said 2) and take me home. You said your mom is in Mexico - is there a possibility you could do this? It would give you both some time to ‘cool down’ and if he came to his senses counselling might actually be worth it. When both parties are convinced they’re right and angry (I can only imagine what this is like if they’re both Mexican and that ‘mochissimo’ is coming into play about ‘a woman’s place’ and ‘a woman’s work is to take care of her husband…:’)
Even if it’s a friend, please, get out for a while if you have that choice. You two need a break from each other and he needs to know what it’s like not to have you around. If I had ever been told that about marrying to get a maid, I’d make sure that that’s all he was getting and I’d definately move OUT of the bedroom - if he said something, I’d make sure to respond ’ I don’t know of any maids who put out that kind of ‘service’’ Sorry to sound crude if it comes off that way - but perhaps shock that you would/could leave might get him to come around. If he still feels he wants a maid only then you have your answer as of what to do-
Good Luck and God Bless
Rye

 

[bstorm]

Can we all please stop making comments about Mexicans on this thread? This is a personal problem between the husband and his wife, not a consequence of one or both involved parties being from Mexico. Let’s leave negative comments about culture and nationality out of this discussion. It is unhelpful and may be offensive to some.

OP: I hope you can find a way to reconcile with your husband. Unfortunately, I have no good advice to offer, only my prayers.

 

[Gwendolen]

This won’t solve the larger problem, but here is a small practical suggestion.

Can you ask him to make a list of the household chores that he would like to see completed the most? For example, my husband feels less stressed if just the main living area, kitchen are tidied up. Things that stress me out don’t stress him as much and vice versa.

If he is supporting the family, it is reasonable to ask to to contribute to the family to the best of your ability. If I was working all day, and my husband was at home chronically ill, and came home everyday to an untidy house, I certainly wouldn’t divorce him, but that would be stressful. Being constantly stressed makes it harder to maintain a strong marital bond.

I would also make a list of his fav meals, and figure out how to modify them so you can do them quickly and easily. When my infant had colic and cried all day, and I could get almost nothing done, the crock pot and grill were my new best friends. Crock pot meals can be put together in just a few minutes in the morning.

In summary, I’d just ask him, since I am not able to do too much, what is the MOST important to you. And maybe an hour or two of domestic help to pick up some of the slack.

God bless!

 

[mt_gooseberry]

I have been reluctant to bring my husband’s nationality and culture into this, but it does play a part in our struggles. He is from Nayarit, an area of Mexico that has historically been a very “machista” and misogynistic stronghold. Things are changing rapidly, but those “ideals” are still strongly rooted in this particular area. Naive as it may sound, I did not know this until after we were married (kind of like in that movie, Not Without My Daughter.) As far as the mistress thing goes, yes, it is a normal thing for a Mexican man to keep a mistress. My FIL actually has one. He keeps her openly. And yes, DH faithfulness has been an issue for us. He knows what will happen if he ever slips again.

I do not have a problem with my husband prefering a clear division of labor based on gender. I do not like housework, but I would gladly take on that yoke for him. My problem is two-fold: I am sick and cannot keep up with the work (especially because he does make a large contribution to the mess), and he does not value me as wife but rather as housekeeper/nanny with “benefits.” I just want him to stop getting upset when I can’t keep the house in perfect order when I am not feeling well, and for him to value me for the love he feels for me and not for the work he can get out of me.

Thank you all for your advice and helping me to work through this.

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

Thank you all for your responses and prayers. Here is some more background, as some of you have wondered.

I have immune thrombocytopenia purpura. My immune system is destroying my own platelets (the blood cells that clot to stop bleeding). DH told me he is torn between thinking I am faking the fatigue or using my condition as an excuse to be lazy and believing that I really am sick. I have extensive bruising and my blood tests have put my platelet count as low as 17,000 (normal being about 150,000), so he does admit that there is at least something wrong with me.

Our kids are 2.5yo and 11mo.

Honestly, our house gets pretty messy. I was able to keep up with it until pretty recently, but right now it is bad. I try to at least keep the kitchen picked up since that is only sanitary. I usually run a load of dishes every day, but I have to hand wash the pots and pans and silverware, and those can get backed up and sit in the sink for two or three days. Laundry is also done a few times a week, because we can’t wear dirty clothes. However, I frequently get behind on getting it put away so we lots of times have to dig through laundry baskets to get what we need. I try to only let the kids have a few things out at once, but invariably they end up with everything out, because I get too tired of policing that. My rule has always been to keep the garbage picked up, but looking around I see an empty beer can and three empty yogurt containers so obviously I’m not doing to well with that. It is usually not as messy as it is at this moment, but I’m also at a very low point with the ITP.

We live on one income so money is tight and I don’t think we could afford to pay for help. Sometimes my MIL comes to stay with us for awhile and she is a great help. Unfortunately she lives in Mexico so that is not a permanent option.

I go to Mass every Sunday, and DH usually goes too, but he has missed a few recently.

Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.

Goodness, households with young children are usually not expected to be in perfect order, let alone one in which the mother has the added challenge of a serious illness. I don’t believe your husband grasps what you are dealing with just to get by, day by day.

I pray that your physician could speak to your husband about just how much you should/should not be expected to do, what your limitations are, how your illness affects your ability to keep the house in order. Just keeping the dear children safe and being:angel1: there for them, that’s a loving and most important contribution. It must be hard dealing with an ungrateful:banghead: husband’s anger.

I remember how it was just keeping up with one toddler and I did not have your illness. Has your husband ever sat down with you and your doctor to discuss these things? Perhaps if you could all talk this out in a professional setting, your husband might listen to some common sense and acquire some much- needed compassion.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers!
:grouphug::heaven:

 

[SerraSemper]

I know you are trying to help, and hoping that “shock” will help this marriage. However your advice here is unfortunately against church teaching. We cannot use “sex as a weapon” so to speak. It is not okay for either spouse to withhold sexual relations as a way to manipulate the other one or to get a point across. Sexual intimacy is a gift from God and to be unitive and procreative not a tool to get the other spouse to behave a certain way.

I understand you are trying to help but this is a Catholic website and I felt the need to charitably correct you that you are giving advice that is against what the Catholic church teaches. God bless you.

Would you kindly provide us with a source for the Church’s forbidding a woman refusing to commit fornication because it is a “weapon”? The OP is not married, and it is quite clear that a valid marriage is highly unlikely to develop even if they were to have a wedding ceremony (convalidation) in the Church. Further, the manipulation appears to be on the part of the male here, who is threatening divorce, who is trying to decide whether his disabled maid is worth the trouble. OP, there is nothing like being forewarned and forearmed. You can save yourself a lot of anxiety and distress if you consult an attorney about your rights and the rights of your children. Incidentally, you may want to double check on the timing of all of this. If a green card or citizenship is involved on account of a citizen spouse, a certain number of years/months of residency are required. Generally speaking, some people get married to a green card and divorce once the green card status or citizenship is permanent.

 

[SerraSemper]

Incidentally, you may want to double check on the timing of all of this. If a green card or citizenship is involved on account of a citizen spouse, a certain number of years/months of residency are required. Generally speaking, some people get married to a green card and divorce once the green card status or citizenship is permanent.

Just to be clear, I am not a (civil) lawyer, and this is not legal advice. It is simply a pattern I’ve noticed among some people who were more interested in having legal footing in the country than in having a spouse. I don’t know, and I don’t care to know what your own status is because I’m not advising you in your own situation whatever it may be, I’m simply sharing an observation.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Can we all please stop making comments about Mexicans on this thread? This is a personal problem between the husband and his wife, not a consequence of one or both involved parties being from Mexico. Let’s leave negative comments about culture and nationality out of this discussion. It is unhelpful and may be offensive to some.

OP: I hope you can find a way to reconcile with your husband. Unfortunately, I have no good advice to offer, only my prayers.

Sorry, but this IS a big issue here. Whether it bothers you or not, the OP married a person with strong cultural expectations. She either didn’t realize these were important at the time, or was in denial, but she’s finding out that they are affecting her marriage, and not in a good way.

For people within the same culture, these expectations do not impede relationships. But when a person crosses cultural boundaries and then expects that the culture will not come into the relationship, can be disaster.

Machismo cultures mean that the male is never wrong, so sees no reason to go to counseling. All problems are seen as coming from the woman, and the males just do what they like without restraint. Kind of tough to work together or any problems when there’s no interest coming from the other side.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I

Personally, I’m thinking of what would happen if I were in this situation - if I was (and I do have a similar situation - kidney disease that often leaves me sick or exhausted and unable to do much around the house - but I do have a supportive husband - but he knew before we got married that I was sick -) but if I were to tell my mom my husband said what your - well partner or non Catholic husband (not sure the right word here) said, she would get in her jeep come down here pack up me and the cat and kids (assuming there are some - you said 2) and take me home. You said your mom is in Mexico - is there a possibility you could do this? It would give you both some time to ‘cool down’ and if he came to his senses counselling might actually be worth it. When both parties are convinced they’re right and angry (I can only imagine what this is like if they’re both Mexican and that ‘mochissimo’ is coming into play about ‘a woman’s place’ and ‘a woman’s work is to take care of her husband…:’)
Even if it’s a friend, please, get out for a while if you have that choice. You two need a break from each other and he needs to know what it’s like not to have you around. If I had ever been told that about marrying to get a maid, I’d make sure that that’s all he was getting and I’d definately move OUT of the bedroom - if he said something, I’d make sure to respond ’ I don’t know of any maids who put out that kind of ‘service’’ Sorry to sound crude if it comes off that way - but perhaps shock that you would/could leave might get him to come around. If he still feels he wants a maid only then you have your answer as of what to do-
Good Luck and God Bless
Rye

It’s actually her MIL who is in Mexico.

We haven’t heard where the OP’s mother/family are. I wish I could say this situation is fixable - but cultural influences can be very strong and hard to change. If the OP’s husband (they are not married in the Church) is getting support from his biological family - his father, mother, siblings, and the larger culture…He ain’t gonna change. There’s no REASON to change. The problem is with the OP, since she is not performing her duties as a wife/maid.

 

[faithfully]

As far as the mistress thing goes, yes, it is a normal thing for a Mexican man to keep a mistress.

Which is odd given their strong attachement to the Catholic faith.

My FIL actually has one. He keeps her openly.

So the man who, in theory, raised your husband raised a man to have no morals or respect towards women.

And yes, DH faithfulness has been an issue for us. He knows what will happen if he ever slips again.

Again? Slips? He was not raised to think this is in error. He has not “slipped”. He is doing what he believes to be ok.

I do not have a problem with my husband prefering a clear division of labor based on gender. I do not like housework, but I would gladly take on that yoke for him. My problem is two-fold: I am sick and cannot keep up with the work (especially because he does make a large contribution to the mess), and he does not value me as wife but rather as housekeeper/nanny with “benefits.” I just want him to stop getting upset when I can’t keep the house in perfect order when I am not feeling well, and for him to value me for the love he feels for me and not for the work he can get out of me.

You’re in a very bad situation. I really think you need to go talk to a priest and talk out your options. You have expectations that his personality and beliefs are going to change.These things are often hard wired. And a person has to want to change to have any success.

 

[1inICXC]

Sorry, but this IS a big issue here. Whether it bothers you or not, the OP married a person with strong cultural expectations. She either didn’t realize these were important at the time, or was in denial, but she’s finding out that they are affecting her marriage, and not in a good way.

For people within the same culture, these expectations do not impede relationships. But when a person crosses cultural boundaries and then expects that the culture will not come into the relationship, can be disaster.

Machismo cultures mean that the male is never wrong, so sees no reason to go to counseling. All problems are seen as coming from the woman, and the males just do what they like without restraint. Kind of tough to work together or any problems when there’s no interest coming from the other side.

You are right RJA. I’m seeing all of this first hand where I am currently living. A friend who just broke Off an engagement is being told by many around her that she will never find a man who doesn’t drink, beat or cheat on her again. That is what constitutes a GREAT man in this culture. Those who do all those things, are normal men. And yes, one of their BIG problems was that he expected to have cooked meals 3 times a day…because that’s what mommy does!

If it weren’t for the 2 children, leaving this NON-VALIDATED “marriage” would make perfect sense, but with these circumstances I can understand why it’s not desirable.

Two questions, how long has he been in the US and is he exposed to family culture among Americans? Most of these men do change if they see families where the man changes diapers, washes a dish or two, is loving to his wife etc. They just never have this model in their lives.

They grow up thinking that putting salt in the salt shaker is the woman’s job, along with everything else that has to do with children, and, because the wife then is constantly slaving in the home, they figure they’re entitled to mistresses who have nothing else to do than fuss over them. That is the only kind of “manhood” they know… If you have friends who have normal relationships it may help, with time, in changing his skewed perception.

 

[ryecroft]

I know you are trying to help, and hoping that “shock” will help this marriage. However your advice here is unfortunately against church teaching. We cannot use “sex as a weapon” so to speak. It is not okay for either spouse to withhold sexual relations as a way to manipulate the other one or to get a point across. Sexual intimacy is a gift from God and to be unitive and procreative not a tool to get the other spouse to behave a certain way.

I understand you are trying to help but this is a Catholic website and I felt the need to charitably correct you that you are giving advice that is against what the Catholic church teaches. God bless you.

Normally, I would agree with you. But the OP said herself that he has stated that he only married her to get a maid - Because of that- I would not consider any sexual intimacy necessarily something that should be happening if this is truly why he married her (and it sounds like that’s pretty spot on from what the OP is saying) then she’s not even in a valid marriage (although I know that each Dioscese has a different set of rules governing what makes a ‘valid’ marriage, I don’t know of any that would say a marriage where the husband is marrying ‘just to get a maid’ would be considred valid - obviously he kept this information from her until recently). I would normally not reccomend that sex be used as a ‘weapon’ and honestly, I’m just thinking that he’s telling her what he married her for - fine she should give him exactly what he said he wanted - I don’t know of ANY maid services that come ‘with benefits’ - at least not outside of the bunny ranch in Nevada. And they are NOT married in the Catholic Church. I’m all for her kids having a father, but if this one can’t be turned around, then how good is it going to be for them to grow up seeing their mother treated just ‘as a maid’ and not as a holy spouse who should be loved, treasured and definately considered more than a maid. Unless there’s some really impportant information that the OP has left out - I don’t see how this would be considered by ANY priest to be a valid marriage with the information given.
God Bless
Rye

 

[ryecroft]

I

We haven’t heard where the OP’s mother/family are. I wish I could say this situation is fixable - but cultural influences can be very strong and hard to change. If the OP’s husband (they are not married in the Church) is getting support from his biological family - his father, mother, siblings, and the larger culture…He ain’t gonna change. There’s no REASON to change. The problem is with the OP, since she is not performing her duties as a wife/maid.

Rarely ever do we agree, but in this situation, I do agree with you Julianne -my bad on the Mexico thing - but OP is your mom or any member of your family or friend willing/able to come help you out? How reliant are you on your husband for your medical treatments/meds etc? (insurance) - That would be my big worry on leaving -making sure that you could still get medical treatment under his insurance while seperated (if that’s what it came to). Or could you just go for a visit to one of the afore mentioned (a really LONG visit where you could relax a little talk to a priest and go over your options of what to do?) Not to be too nosy but how would another pregnancy effect you and your medical condition?
God Bless
Rye

 

[mt_gooseberry]

Rarely ever do we agree, but in this situation, I do agree with you Julianne -my bad on the Mexico thing - but OP is your mom or any member of your family or friend willing/able to come help you out? How reliant are you on your husband for your medical treatments/meds etc? (insurance) - That would be my big worry on leaving -making sure that you could still get medical treatment under his insurance while seperated (if that’s what it came to). Or could you just go for a visit to one of the afore mentioned (a really LONG visit where you could relax a little talk to a priest and go over your options of what to do?) Not to be too nosy but how would another pregnancy effect you and your medical condition?
God Bless
Rye

My husband and I don’t have insurance. He gets his basic healthcare throught the immigration outreach program and I get mine through a free Catholic clinic that my children’s godmother runs. I pay for medication out of pocket. My family/friends all work and can’t come help out (I didn’t even have anyone to help out after my son was born–I gave birth and came home and that was that), nor can I go stay with anyone; my mom lives with one of her guy friends who smokes and drinks, younger sister has a male roommate and they party a lot, older brother’s house is overcrowded already, younger brother is in the military, dad has a little cabin with no indoor plumbing, and I don’t have any close friends. Another pregnancy is dangerous unless my platelets are up…DH and I have not been having much sex since we decided to convalidate our marriage. We agreed that we should wait until we really ARE married (DH isn’t a totally immoral ogre–he has his good moments). In any case, we used NFP when we were having relations.

I think I am going to see if my DH will get some kind of counseling with me through the Church. He respects what Church authorities have to say, so if he he was able to hear something from them, he might take it better than if it were to continue just coming from me.

Thanks for so much concerned and helpful (name removed by moderator)ut.