Haven’t seen this, frankly. Usually they have very fixed ideas of what men are and what women are, and they do NOT assimilate to our cultural norms. Why should they? They see American men as being dominated by the women, and they look down on American men because of that. Again, there is no reason for a person to change when the external feedback loop is so tight (the native culture reinforces the behavior).You are right RJA. I’m seeing all of this first hand where I am currently living. A friend who just broke Off an engagement is being told by many around her that she will never find a man who doesn’t drink, beat or cheat on her again. That is what constitutes a GREAT man in this culture. Those who do all those things, are normal men. And yes, one of their BIG problems was that he expected to have cooked meals 3 times a day…because that’s what mommy does!
If it weren’t for the 2 children, leaving this NON-VALIDATED “marriage” would make perfect sense, but with these circumstances I can understand why it’s not desirable.
Two questions, how long has he been in the US and is he exposed to family culture among Americans? Most of these men do change if they see families where the man changes diapers, washes a dish or two, is loving to his wife etc. They just never have this model in their lives.
They grow up thinking that putting salt in the salt shaker is the woman’s job, along with everything else that has to do with children, and, because the wife then is constantly slaving in the home, they figure they’re entitled to mistresses who have nothing else to do than fuss over them. That is the only kind of “manhood” they know… If you have friends who have normal relationships it may help, with time, in changing his skewed perception.
Not to pick nits, but I think it is quite possible that a person who has a lower tolerance for clutter could get to the point where he/she contributes to the problem after a long period of frustration. Eventually the “non-clutterer” gets burned out as you suggest and not only stops trying to solve the problem once he/she realizes that he/she can’t keep up.Thank you for mentioning that, absolutely that is true! I was just “tossing it out there” that her husband may have anxiety with clutter, only because she said her house was extremely messy and the only thing she contributed to him was a single can. I could be wrong though but since she didn’t complain that her husband left a mess everywhere I made an assumption the mess may be (primarily) from her and the children.
Also a good point you brought up that her medical condition may be very misunderstood. I beleive that too. My main concern was that her husband was really getting blasted here and people were telling her that he was no good and didn’t deserve her and that she should leave him.
I was hoping to point out that there was, the possibility anyway, that her husband may have anxieties of his own and may be burned out. I like to think there is hope for this marriage, and that with good medical care and spiritual counsel they can get through this difficult time and bear this cross together. God bless.
Excuse me? The biggest case for separation and divorce is the fact that if the male considers marriage an institution for finding in house maids, even if they get married in the Church, it would automatically be an invalid marriage. Further, as I have posted elsewhere in this thread, the OP needs to consult an attorney about her situation as well as probably a trained counselor (most priests aren’t trained counselors so please don’t say just visit with your priest). It is possible in addition to other concerns, that the man is using her for green card fraud. Any person who is threatened with divorce needs to know their legal rights with respect to themselves and children. Attorneys typically offer a free initial consultation. Why not take advantage of this so that one is not blindsided??? Ignorance of the law and about one’s rights can cause a lot of havoc especially in the case of a divorce or of simple spousal abandonment.Not to pick nits, but I think it is quite possible that a person who has a lower tolerance for clutter could get to the point where he/she contributes to the problem after a long period of frustration. Eventually the “non-clutterer” gets burned out as you suggest and not only stops trying to solve the problem once he/she realizes that he/she can’t keep up.
I would second the notion that neither party in the OP’s marriage has a strong case for separation, much less divorce.