Did I go to far?

[Bookcat]

The end was correct (it is not too far to not let a couple share a room in your house)…one can always examine the means as to the way it was perhaps communicated (I do not know…I was not there ).

Pray…seek advice perhaps from your Priest as to how to discuss with your wife …hopefully with prayer and time etc things will be better and your wife et al will come to see that your decision at least --was the right one.

Remember too that Jesus said he did not come to bring peace…but the sword…that households will be divided on account of him…that would include husbands against wives… see Matthew 10:34 and following.

Hopefully your wife will come to see that your decision (maybe not the means (?) but at least the actual decision) was the one in conformity to Christ. Jesus can bring you both true peace in following him… (she is obviously in this situation influenced by the surrounding culture…even in her seeking to be a good Christian these influences have it seems entered into her emotions and thoughts and made them cloudy…)

Now of course it must be “truth with love”…but it still needs to be truth. For an “apparent” love without truth is not love.

This can be of some help too:

Catechism of the Catholic Church:

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:

• by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
• by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
• by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
• by protecting evil-doers.

also these:

blog.adw.org/2010/06/correcting-the-sinner-is-not-being-judgmental-it-is-an-essential-work-of-charity/

blog.adw.org/2009/11/fraternal-correction-the-forgotten-virtue/

Make sure not to miss the references above.

 

[hazmat]

sounds like you didnt tell them in advance about your house rules. not very considerate.

 

[wendy_w]

I understand his view, and I have never said that he should cave. But if his faith demands that they sleep separate and here understanding of god calls her to be open and welcoming to her sister then they have a problem. Saying “my religion says I’m right so I get my way” is just not going to cut it with his wife on that or any issue.

Perhaps they shouldn’t host anyone and make that a blanket policy, then neither are going against what they believe is right. Or if she absolutely insists he can remove himself from the situation and make a pretty strong point by staying elsewhere with the kids. (That could cause more problems though.)

The point is that she gets a say in her home too, and when he married her he knew that she would have a say.

I’m not saying the wife shouldn’t have her point of view she should. I have been a guest in many people homes I don’t impose my demands on them. I really think the sister-in-law is being a child and should not be causing all the problems in the first place. All she had to do was say she could respect her sisters husbands view and get a hotel. Like I said earlier I try to be a good guest when I stay with someone.

 

[Cristiano]

I did tell my wife in advance. I initially told her when we first learned they were coming into town. She thought I was joking and it me several days to convince her that I was indeed serious. My wife did do the talking to her sister, I had no part in that aspect. I received the admonishment from my wife after she spoke with her sister and my wife told me her sister shares the same sentiments…

sounds like you didnt tell them in advance about your house rules. not very considerate.

Please re-read what he wrote before calling him inconsiderate.

 

[JRKH]

I understand his view, and I have never said that he should cave. But if his faith demands that they sleep separate and here understanding of god calls her to be open and welcoming to her sister then they have a problem. Saying “my religion says I’m right so I get my way” is just not going to cut it with his wife on that or any issue.

Perhaps they shouldn’t host anyone and make that a blanket policy, then neither are going against what they believe is right. Or if she absolutely insists he can remove himself from the situation and make a pretty strong point by staying elsewhere with the kids. (That could cause more problems though.)

The point is that she gets a say in her home too, and when he married her he knew that she would have a say.

Absolutely.

The thing for them to do now is to sit down, examine where they are with each other and with their faith. From my own experience I can say that both likely have good legitimate points to make and both likely acted or reacted poorly at some point or other during this episode.
So long as each is willing to recognize this fact and move forward, keeping the good and forgiving the bad, they will be able to make good progress.

For the Catholic - the serious Catholic, moving forward in faith means that we seek to conform our minds and our wills to Christ. In a Catholic marriage, this means each one submits their own will to the other - In Christ!! Each seeks Christ first, the needs of their partner (and children) second, and themselves last.

So - this couple needs to sit down and talk about how they are putting God first in their marriage…

Peace
James

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m not saying the wife shouldn’t have her point of view she should. I have been a guest in many people homes I don’t (name removed by moderator)ose my demands on them. I really think the sister-in-law is being a child and should not be causing all the problems in the first place. All she had to do was say she could respect her sisters husbands view and get a hotel. Like I said earlier I try to be a good guest when I stay with someone.

So do I, and frankly I don’t care how this SIL feels. She can live with the rules or get a hotel. But the husband and wife must be on the same page and both feel like they are making a moral choice.

Like I said earlier I get a hotel when visiting my future in-laws because I find it awkward and hurtful to be told that we have to sleep apart. Besides, 6 adults and one bathroom is a nightmare. Priceline is a beautiful thing.

 

[Cristiano]

I think that the major problem is that the sister in law-does not see the poster and his wife as a single unit, one flesh. She played her sister against her brother in law and that is wrong! I am not surprised that she has a lack of consideration for marital unity especially considering the original cause of the drift.

 

[Cristiano]

So do I, and frankly I don’t care how this SIL feels. She can live with the rules or get a hotel. But the husband and wife must be on the same page and both feel like they are making a moral choice…

Words of sanity!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I think that the major problem is that the sister in law-does not see the poster and his wife as a single unit, one flesh. She played her sister against her brother in law and that is wrong! I am not surprised that she has a lack of consideration for marital unity especially considering the original cause of the drift.

Actually it looks like the wife was upset before the SIL. In fact she thought that it was so ridiculous that it took her several days to believe him.

And while we’re throwing out insults, would you think it fair to say that the OP has no respect for marital unity because him and his wife cohabited before marriage? I don’t think so.

 

[hazmat]

my bad, didnt read past the op.

well, whether you think youre out of line or not, people are free to think you are. and it doesnt matter how many like-minded individuals you can get to agree with you. youre still going to be disliked by those who dislike you.

 

[wendy_w]

I think the OP mentioned that both he and his wife were away from the church for awhile. He may be at a different place in his spritual journey. Maybe they need a good christian counsoler to help them with this.

 

[Cristiano]

Actually it looks like the wife was upset before the SIL. In fact she thought that it was so ridiculous that it took her several days to believe him.

And while we’re throwing out insults, would you think it fair to say that the OP has no respect for marital unity because him and his wife cohabited before marriage? I don’t think so.

What insult did I throw out?

Yes I think that the OP had no consideration for the marital unity when he cohabited.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

What insult did I throw out?

Yes I think that the OP had no consideration for the marital unity when he cohabited.

I would say that that’s very unfair-even from a Catholic standpoint. How many people on here say “we lived together before we knew it was wrong”? That’s not a lack of respect, that’s just ignorance.

 

[JRKH]

I would say that that’s very unfair-even from a Catholic standpoint. How many people on here say “we lived together before we knew it was wrong”? That’s not a lack of respect, that’s just ignorance.

Whoa - the concepts here might be getting a bit far off topic. This could warrant a thread of it’s own…Just sayin’…

Peace
James

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Whoa - the concepts here might be getting a bit far off topic. This could warrant a thread of it’s own…Just sayin’…

Peace
James

You’re absolutely right. My apologies for the derail. Back to the topic at hand.

 

[ajaffres]

My wife says that since her and I cohabitated and had coitus prior to marriage (we didnt come home to the Catholic church until two years into our marriage) we have no right to tell others not to do it.

The sister in-law is also Catholic, and she has a degree in Catholic apologetics/theology from a local Catholic University. The new boyfriend is a Protestant of some sort.

Considering that all involved parties are Catholic / Christian I was truly not expecting the backlash.

It would be easier if both your wife and you shared the same opinion. For instance, if you had been a smoker in the past and now ask people to smoke outside when they come to the house, no one would question it.

Even if your sister-in-law thinks you are going over board, it’s only for a weekend, why would she care that they have to sleep in separate rooms?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It would be easier if both your wife and you shared the same opinion. For instance, if you had been a smoker in the past and now ask people to smoke outside when they come to the house, no one would question it.

Even if your sister-in-law thinks you are going over board, it’s only for a weekend, why would she care that they have to sleep in separate rooms?

I don’t want to get in to an argument about whether or not people should let unmarried couples share a room, but I can explain her perspective. It can be very hurtful and offensive when people, especially family tell you that such a special and important part of your life is wrong. It also feels like they are trying to tell you that your relationship is unimportant and something to be disregarded. It kind of feels like a slap in the face. Add to that it feels very condescending and patronizing to be told that you need to be chaperoned. We are all adults. Now a big part of my outlook comes from the way I was raised.

In my case I intellectually know that its nothing personal, its just their belief. But because I still feel hurt we stay at a hotel and everyone has a pleasant visit.

 

[Kay_Cee]

Suppose these guests wanted to have a threesome in his house? Suppose it were an incestuous relationship? Suppose a guy wanted to bring several wives with him? Suppose beastiality were involved? Would you still say “You have to talk, compromise, and respect each other’s point of view”?

BlueEyedLady:

I can’t help but notice that you did not answer my questions.

I’m sure you are a moral person who has principles. And I’m equally sure you are a person of dignity who has a point at which you are not willing to compromise your principles for anyone. Surely there are some behaviors you would not allow guests in your home to perform, regardless of how insulted they may feel.

What you don’t seem to understand is that the husband was at that point, so expecting him to compromise was asking, actually demanding, too much. You may disagree as to whether or not he should have been at that point, but that is not the issue.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

BlueEyedLady:

I can’t help but notice that you did not answer my questions.

I’m sure you are a moral person who has principles. And I’m equally sure you are a person of dignity who has a point at which you are not willing to compromise your principles for anyone. Surely there are some behaviors you would not allow guests in your home to perform, regardless of how insulted they may feel.

What you don’t seem to understand is that the husband was at that point, so expecting him to compromise was asking, actually demanding, too much. You may disagree as to whether or not he should have been at that point, but that is not the issue.

I never demanded or even suggested that he allow two unmarried people to sleep together under his roof. I would never suggest that. But at the same time his wife gets a say too, and the solution needs to be one that both partners feel is right and moral.

I’m not going to be baited in to a debate with you about specific scenarios, but I will say this. If you are someone that I am inviting to stay in my home then chances are I respect your lifestyle, relationship included, and you’ve shown yourself to have good judgement. I don’t invite the type of people who would have 3somes in my guest room to stay over.

So to answer your pointless question, I do see a difference between inviting a person and their romantic partner in to my home, and inviting someone and their goat.

As for polygamy, if I could accept them as good enough friends to have over then I could accept their marriages too.

 

[SamH]

The sister in-law and her new boyfriend were going stay over this weekend as house guests. They have been dating only a few months and I have never met him. They are not married.

I was going to making them sleep in separate rooms.

I have three young daughters. I am trying to raise them in the faith and teach them modesty and chastity.

My wife and my sister in-law are upset and they have decided to stay somewhere else.

They have called me an “idiotic, inhospitable, judgmental, hypocrite”. Thats an exact quote. Ouch.

Since I started actually taking my faith seriously over that last few years I have grown increasingly unpopular.

Was I out of line here?

Thoughts?

You didn’t use the door to hit them where the good Lord split them as they left did you?

If not, then you are just fine.