Did the Priest cross a boundary?

[JimG]

At my parish, there isn’t even an option for private confession anymore. We have a “reconciliation room.” Don’t like it at all!

In the sacrement of confession, the priest is supposed to represent Christ. I don’t think Christ exchanges phone numbers, but what do I know? Confession definately isn’t what it used to be!

At my parish it is nearly the opposite. We have standard anonymous confessionals, which have in theory the possibility for face to face confession, but which is in practice impractical and never used. So confessions are always anonymous unless a second priest hears confessions at the altar rail, in which case he never looks at the penitent anyway.

It does seem a little out of bounds to give or ask for a telephone number in confession. I think the priest was perhaps too eager to engage in conversation or counseling rather than reconciliation.

 

[asd72]

It does seem inappropriate to exchange phone numbers with a Priest you have never met during Confession, especially following the confession of sexual sin. We tell Priests extremely personal things, and it makes it even more important that appropriate boundaries are maintained.

It would be reasonable to report this to the Priests superior. At the very least be very alert to anything untoward now he has your number.

 

[odile53]

He sounds like he’s a very inexperienced confessor. He’s been ordained for four years, but might not have been doing pastoral work for that entire length of time. Most of the questions don’t seem that out of line to me.

The comment he made about needing to use the facilities sounded like a little “too much information.” A more experienced person would have just said, “Sorry for the inconvenience. I’ll be right back,” and gone and done whatever. But then again, social standards have generally declined, and I suppose it’s not that unusual for a young priest to be a bit of a social doofus.

However, I think a better way of handling it if he wanted to create a resource list for new young Catholics would have been to ask you if you would mind being on such a list, and to leave your name and phone number at the parish office if you were so interested. Again, the doofus factor.

Since you’re a young woman, especially if you would be considered fairly attractive, just be aware that priests, although men of God, are still men, and it doesn’t matter what their ages are. Consider the anonymous confessional as your default way of confessing (what I call “the box.”) I’ve never had a priest make any sort of inappropriate overture to me, but in my younger days, have had the experience of being stared at a few times when I was stuck with going to a confessional room. It was a little unnerving, especially concerning sexual sins. I ditched confessional rooms for a parish with “the box,” and even though I’m middle aged now, still feel a lot more comfortable with them, despite a bad back and sore knees.

See what (if anything) he does with your phone number. If you get a creepy call, it’s a simple enough matter to get your phone number changed, and to change confessors.

 

[Sunbreak]

The phone number exchange seems creepy to me. A confessional isn’t the place for such things. Plus, if this wasn’t your parish, this man is a stranger to you. He wanted to exchange phone numbers so that you as a convert can inspire other young people? Isn’t there any young person in his parish he knows who can already do that - why ask a stranger? Maybe the priest is just naive but it seems odd to me.

 

[felsguy]

Did the Priest cross a boundary?

I consider myself a pretty easy going guy, try hard not to impute motives behind others actions, and generally am willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt…BUT… in this case I have to say I think boundaries most certainly were crossed, whatever his intentions may have been. This didn’t set right with you (obviously, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked the question) and it shouldn’t have. Trust your instincts. Where there’s smoke, there certainly could be fire.

 

[Jimm99]

Yes. He did cross the boundary. The priest at no time should discuss with the person what
was confessed in the confessional. The priest is obligated to tell no one about what was said
in the confessional. He is under strict rule to not talk to the person about what was confessed outside of the confessional.

 

[patiwak]

He certainly crossed a boundary. I would talk to another priest and then take it up with the bishop. You could very well be doing something for his soul.

 

[quiet52]

I wouldn’t report the priest. He cannot defend himself – he cannot say ANYTHING about what transpired when you were in the confessional with him. So if his motives were 100% pure, again, he cannot defend himself.

I would suggest that you consider what you want to say to the priest IF he phones you. Will you listen to what he has to say? Maybe he wants to invite you to attend a meeting (with other young adults). If he wants to meet with you alone in the parish office, would you want to meet with him? If not, merely decline.
IF he does anything blatantly inappropriate, then tell him off, and report him.

 

[DivotDan]

I think you should meet with the pastor and tell him what you told us. If he thinks it’s an issue, he will act on it. This young priest may need a little formation.

 

[genie79]

I’d just like to share my own story about the sacrament of confession, where a very similar thing happened to me.

I was at a “youth event” - where reconciliation was available outside the venue - no barriers or cubicles etc. I had been advised by my sister a few months ago, that she thought a detailed confession (confessing the specific sin) was very important to the soul - as I told her I had only confessed the “general area” of sin. This is after living a pagan lifestyle, and coming back to Jesus & the Catholic Church after World Youth Day in Sydney.

At this event, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to go for confession, and giving me the courage to do so. It was the most detailed confession I’d ever done in my life after stressing about it for about an hour waiting in line (face to face at that) - and by the end of it, I felt like a million dollar woman - I was walking on air (just like what John Pridmore said - he felt like a million dollar man or something of that version in my faint memory after his confession!).

By the end of the confession (or during it) - the priest had asked me what I do for a living, got a slight idea of my faith journey etc etc - and gave me his phone number, and told me where he heard confessions, and the talks/recollections he gave etc. I think he also asked for my number - and I had no hesitation in giving it to him. No doubt he was interested in my soul being saved, and assisting me in that process.

This priest was the most amazing spiritual director I could’ve asked for - the Holy Spirit always knows what’s best

If you feel uncomfortable with this priest who asked for your number - perhaps see what his suggestions are - if he is putting you in contact with other young catholic women, or good spiritual formation opportunities - then I’d say grab that chance and go for it, check it out, and see where the Holy Spirit leads you! If however, it leads to more 1 on 1 talks with just you, or things that you feel even more uncomfortable with - then probably not wise to continue contact.

God bless!

 

[bben15]

Hello. I don’t think the priest was crossing boundaries. It is normal for priests to ask questions about your life in the confessional.

As for the phone numbers, you didn’t have to give him your number if you didn’t want to. He is just being nice. Perhaps you are Catholic that all the young people can model after!

God bless you.

 

[FrStevenJones]

Hi,

Recently, I went to confession and as I was waiting outside, the Priest came out and said he had to use the bathroom. He saw all of us waiting in line, but made eye contact with me. Now, I’m the type of person that likes to be completely anonymous and I always confess behind the screen. But he saw me! So I go inside, and realize that it just doesn’t make sense to sit behind the screen since the Priest saw me. For the first time I sat, facing the Priest. I had to confess a sexual sin, and it was very embarrassing to do so in front of him. But it seemed okay.

Eventually, he started to ask me a bunch of questions though. I’m a new Catholic and I don’t go to the same Parish because I’m still a student and travel quite a bit…but this Priest seemed overly interested in who I was. He asked me about my life, my school, and became very excited about my conversion to Catholicism (that’s fine). Well, he eventually invited me to an ordination service and he gave me his phone number and then proceeded to ask for my own phone number. He wanted to send young Catholics my way to “inspire” them.

70% of me says this is all perfectly okay. But the fact that we exchanged phone numbers in the Confessional kind of weirds me out. What do you think? Is this normal? Is this unique? But given the circumstances…okay?

The “confessional seal” requires that a priest not reveal any information given during a confession, nor may he use that information outside the confessional. Therefore, asking for a penitent’s phone number would not be appropriate, because using that phone number would be a violation of the seal. The person would need to contact the priest outside the confessional if they wanted them to know their phone number.

In my view, the priest was out of bounds and probably poorly educated about the strictness of the confessional seal. Likely his intentions were good, however I find your description of his behavior to be troubling – too many personal questions asked of the penitent that were not related to the confession, and too much personal sharing by the priest.

 

[NewEnglandPriest]

Recently, I went to confession and as I was waiting outside, the Priest came out and said he had to use the bathroom. He saw all of us waiting in line, but made eye contact with me. Now, I’m the type of person that likes to be completely anonymous and I always confess behind the screen. But he saw me! So I go inside, and realize that it just doesn’t make sense to sit behind the screen since the Priest saw me.

Just because he saw you in line for confession doesn’t mean he would know it was you who was confessing, unless you were the next person in line. You probably still could have gone behind the screen and maintained your anonymity.

For the first time I sat, facing the Priest. I had to confess a sexual sin, and it was very embarrassing to do so in front of him. But it seemed okay. Eventually, he started to ask me a bunch of questions though. I’m a new Catholic and I don’t go to the same Parish because I’m still a student and travel quite a bit…but this Priest seemed overly interested in who I was. He asked me about my life, my school, and became very excited about my conversion to Catholicism (that’s fine).

Some priests will ask questions to get an overall picture of what’s going on in someone’s life. This helps when it comes to giving advice.

Well, he eventually invited me to an ordination service and he gave me his phone number and then proceeded to ask for my own phone number. He wanted to send young Catholics my way to “inspire” them.

This part is highly inappropriate. Even if he had the best of intentions, there is a strong possibility that the wrong impression might be given. The confessional is *not *the place to solicit phone numbers for any purpose.
I agree with the poster who recommended that you explain what happened to his pastor. If this new priest is just a little misguided, then the pastor will probably be aware of that fact and will know best how to approach him and explain to him what was inappropriate.