Did you grow up with an abusive parent?

[savone]

Tonight, as I prepare for my evening prayers, I shall record your names and pray for each of you, your families, and your relatives. (I’d post my prayer, but I wouldn’t want to cross any Forum rules).
These are a few things I learned along the way:

1. I lived with abuse for so long and regularly that it be came “normal.” Consequently, I had no terms for it until others helped me identify and call it for what it is: abuse.
2. I have my story. You have yours. Each needs to be honored and respected. We’re all different people. Just a certain look from a parent can send terror into the heart of a child. Others, it takes a lot more to do so. Who knows why? Therefore, what might sound incidental to me may be quite significant and traumatizing to you.
3. My thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and ideas are exactly that. They are mine. It was more than a few years before I learned not to let anyone attempt to have me deny them. Remember, denial is a part of this whole abuse cycle. Now, how I respond to my thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and ideas; this is another matter.
4. There’s no magic wand, word, formula, and, in all of the cases I’m aware, miracle that’s going to change it “over night.” It took time for my life to unfold the way it did. It has taken time to deal with the very adult problems that were heaped upon me as a child.
5. I’m never going to get all the answers. This may not sound encouraging. It is, however. I can arrive at sufficient answers, over time, to help me heal, live a fuller life, and have some peace.
6. I have found that those who truly want to help 1) listen, and 2) listen, and 3) listen some more. I spent a long, long time just wanting someone to listen. That’s all. Not fix it. Not dismiss or explain it away. Not reply with “why, you simply have to. . . .” Simply listen to my story in such a way that when I’ve finished I knew that I had been heard. Somebody not only listened to my words; they “heard” my story.
7. Guilt and blame. These have been two difficult ones to deal with. The abuse cycle is a terrible evil. When a young child asks for a second piece of candy, gets abused, and then somehow has a feeling guilt; that’s evil. I had to learn to draw distinctions. I wanted to blame everybody, including God. What I eventually learned is that describing what happened to me is not blaming, unless I use vocabulary that is.
8. Until the day I die, I will remember. This means I don’t forget. How much influence this has in shaping today, is up to me.
9. I knew healing was beginning to take place when I stood up against the abuse. I put myself at a safe distance from the abusers. I dealt with matters as I could in small ways. Confidence took quite a long time to gain.
10. Where’s God? Well, some of the people that worked with me, realized that my views of religion were just as distorted as those about being a human being and living. I was a child. Child are very literal. Their image of God is often shaped by what their parents were like. Although a young adult, I needed to be fed a “teaspoon” at a time, not a whole nine-course meal. This pertained to God, as well.
    Well, these are a few things I learned along the way. God bless and you’re in my prayers.

 

[coralewisjr]

Shinobu:

I must also thank God that I was not ever sexually abused.

While I wouldn’t say my parents abused me, my therapist once said that to me and I felt shocked at it.

The way I was raised is that if I did something bad, I was smacked and it didn’t matter where, the rear, the head, back ect. My “mom” (I will hereto put her title in quotes because she had had a couple affairs and I don’t see her as a mother anymore, I know this is wrong.) would use phrases like “A child should be seen and not heard” and “You are the child I am the parent”.

My Dad was more physically violent, he even called me the “b” word once when I told him I was getting changed and I couldn’t talk to him at that moment. If I spilled something on the floor (by accident) he would hit me and curse and yell. Money was the most important thing to him and when my parents were getting a divorce he once responded to my Grandparents query about him asking for his kids custody, “I don’t care about the kids”. He said this right in front of me.

Just yesterday my Dad had a fight with my Grandmother and he said, “I’m going to burst one of these days, I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m getting close”. Well thanks Dad, I love you too, it’s nice to know I could be living with a future murderer.

At any rate, I’ve been trying my whole life to make enough money to leave. It’s been hard because in 2001-2002 i was diagnosed with panic disorder and was laid off from my job. Since then I’ve tried to find work and now thanks to a user on this board I am thinking about becoming a Medical Transcriptionist. I just need to get a small job so I can get enough money to save for training and new clothing for Church.

Anyways, thanks for making this topic. It allowed for me to vent. Phew

You’re welcome. It sounds like you can thank your dad for the panic disorder.

my Mother my Confidence,
Corinne

 

[coralewisjr]

elizabeth4truth:

I too am a victim of a man who tried to dominate the world by abusing his wife and children. Alcohol was a large factor. He used to beat my mom and older sisters, while we younger ones hid in the closets down stairs, fearing for our lives and our mom and siblings. We were so frightened of him that if we heard him put one foot on the top step, coming down toward our domain, we would scatter and hide in our rooms.

Finally my mom told him she would leave and take all seven kids with her, if he didn’t stop. He stopped the physical abuse, but the demeaning, mental and alcohol abuse continued for a long time.

Years later, when I had my daughter, my mom told him what his children thought of him. He came to my home, crying and asking forgiveness. He hadn’t remembered any of the abuse. Thank you Jesus for rescuing us and restoring our father to us.

He is so humble now and lives each day trying to help my mom. He took up carpentry and builds things for all his children.

I pray time and, efforts at self help, will help you understand your dignity, as a human being, and how much our Father, in heaven loves and appreciates you. He is there for you. In hard times I hope you will remember to go to Him and find shelter under His wing.

You are in my heart and tears stream from my face for all who suffer at the hands of those who should be governing well, instead of dominating. John Paul II please pray for all fathers, husbands and sons, that they be good sheppards on earth, as our Father in heaven wills.

Peace to you,
Elizabeth

Praise God! Your father is a good man now.

my Mother my Confidence,
Corinne

 

[STIOFAN]

Well although personal, I put up with drink related problems for over 20 years, and the violence that followed.

Bu no sexual abuse, but plenty of mental torture as a young child living in fear of the weekend, drink drink drink.

Oh well that’s as much as I’m prepared to say on the subject, lets say I’ve been there done that, but it’s worse than anyone on this forum can imagine in their wildest dreams.

I’ve climed a mountain and come down the other-side, but never gave up on God ! and he’s seen me through to the other side.:bowdown:

 

[coralewisjr]

Thanks for the prayers, savone! Dad probably needs them more than I do. People have told me to forget and that’s impossible for me, too. Here’s a poem I wrote about haunting memories:
Memories

Memories are inundating my being.
They flow throughout me
As I try to push them away.

I don’t want to deal
With all of these memories.
They just keep coming.

Some of my memories
Differ from what other people
Tell me what actually happened.

I am ashamed of many of
My memories,
Though I often could not help myself.

So much damage has been caused
By what happened in
My memories.

I don’t want to lose them,
Yet I don’t want to remember them.
What can I do?

I’m not sure how much you’ll identify with it since I was writing about memories from when I was mentally unstable.
I know exactly what you mean when it comes to the blame game. I struggled with anger during my senior year of high school. It felt so good to go away to college!!
I know what you mean about a look hurting a child, too. I remember Dad asking me why I always acted like I was scared of him (this was probably senior year of high school). I’m learning to stop being tense, and that’s hard when I’m around him. It’s great when we find things to talk about.
For a while, I tried to find a “father figure” who could treat me with love because I wasn’t getting enough from Dad. That was bad - I became obsessed with a high school teacher. (bad memories!!) I learned to love God as the perfect Father and remember that no matter what Dad does to me, God is always there for me and God is always better than Dad.

BlindSheep, I remember hearing about your restraining order and didn’t connect the dots. I’m glad for you!

my Mother my Confidence,
Corinne

 

[elizabeth4truth]

savone:

Tonight, as I prepare for my evening prayers, I shall record your names and pray for each of you, your families, and your relatives. (I’d post my prayer, but I wouldn’t want to cross any Forum rules).
…Well, these are a few things I learned along the way. God bless and you’re in my prayers.

Dear Savone,

Thank you for all you wrote! What a blessing. Thank you also for your prayers.

Elizabeth

 

[Mike_Olson]

Praise be to the Lord Jesus Christ. Thank-you all for sharing your stories. That took allot of courage and fortitude to do. To open up and tell complete strangers of your childhood trials and tribulations. The Lord is at work on these forums, that is for sure. I pray for you younger folk that Christ give you the wisdom to discern that what your parents did and said is not who you are. I chose escape through the use of alcohol and drugs to deal with my problems. At the age of 45 I am just now coming to terms with what happened in my life. Most of my life is either lost time or hazy. Lord have mercy on me. It is all through his graces that I have what I have. Especially my beloved wife. Christ gave her to me for a purpose. Sometimes I think to myself that I wasted my youth, I have feelings of despair over the fact that my life hasn’t been “normal”. I want a do-over! I and you have to remember that Christ has put us where we are and given us what we have. There is purpose, I and we have learned from these life experiences. Put your faith in God, he has everything under control. God bless you all for your posts. I don’t feel so alone now!

 

[coralewisjr]

Mike_Olson:

Praise be to the Lord Jesus Christ. Thank-you all for sharing your stories. That took allot of courage and fortitude to do. To open up and tell complete strangers of your childhood trials and tribulations. The Lord is at work on these forums, that is for sure. I pray for you younger folk that Christ give you the wisdom to discern that what your parents did and said is not who you are. I chose escape through the use of alcohol and drugs to deal with my problems. At the age of 45 I am just now coming to terms with what happened in my life. Most of my life is either lost time or hazy. Lord have mercy on me. It is all through his graces that I have what I have. Especially my beloved wife. Christ gave her to me for a purpose. Sometimes I think to myself that I wasted my youth, I have feelings of despair over the fact that my life hasn’t been “normal”. I want a do-over! I and you have to remember that Christ has put us where we are and given us what we have. There is purpose, I and we have learned from these life experiences. Put your faith in God, he has everything under control. God bless you all for your posts. I don’t feel so alone now!

Mike, I am so glad that you are healed! Alleluia.
I’ve been in your shoes before - I’ve wished that I could do things over (especially with my ex-boyfriend and things I did while manic and obsessed). There was a lot of guilt and sometimes there still is. I hope that God continues to heal you. A wise friend told me a few months ago that I must love myself. It’s very hard to love others when I don’t love myself. Love of self requires forgiveness of self and that’s something I struggle with.
I hope that God uses you to help others who have gone through the same struggles you survived. God bless you, Mike!

my Mother my Confidence,
Corinne

 

[rubycanoe]

hello,
i wanted to say i was especially touched by blestone, and thank all of you for sharing. i wasnt sexually abused, and though hit a lot and whipped with a belt, spanked, jabbed at etc… i dont remember bruises etc, so i dont know if it counts as physical abuse or not but definite violence, by both parents, and 2 older sisters. also my parents took the name of the lord in vain very often , and screamed at us very often. i know i was verbally and emotionally abused, i think i was pretty much ignored or neglected,and felt invisible. i sucked my finger and sat on the couch and rocked myselft (it wasnt a rocking chair) very hard while holding a pillow till i was 6 or so. my dad told me i was ugly, studid and nothing many times. my mom called me and my sister whores, etc… mom has always been on alcohol and pills and probably an alcoholic though still drinks/pills. dad always drank but hasnt for the past 20 years. but he still wacked my hand with a cane a few years ago when i put a book in the wrong place.they were very very strict but not with certain sisters who they have favored over me. i ended up with a drinking problem and marrying an alcoholic, i dont drink anymore, got pregant out of wedlock, and my stepdaughter is in treatment for meth addiction. it has affected my whole life profoundly. child abuse is so sad.

 

[elizabeth4truth]

Dear Blestone and Rubycanoe,

Thank you both for sharing. What wonderful witnesses you are. Blessed are the peacemakers, they shall be called children of God.

Praying for all here who suffer from abuse, male and female, and praying for the healing and conversion of all who abuse others. May all know the dignity that each soul possesses.

Peace,
Elizabeth

 

[BlestOne]

Thank you for your prayers!!! I never turn them down. I have to say that I consider myself very blest. Yes, what I went through was bad and wrong but it did make me a stronger person. I am also grateful that I was still relatively young when God graced me with the knowledge that the only way for me to grow and “get over it” was through forgiveness. I believe that God gave me these experiences for a reason, and though I may never know why, ultimately they will help myself or others. That is why I am not ashamed to talk about the abuse. I really truly pray that nobody would ever have to feel like I did or go through what I did, but I know it has and will happen to others. Before I learned to deal with the abuse I started to believe all the lies, that I was a bad person, that I wasn’t worthy of life. Today I know that nobody on earth can judge me unworthy of my heavenly fathers love. I am loved and cherished because I am his, not because I am strong or good or anything else. I look to that as a model of how to love the children God has graced me with. I also thank God for our Blessed Mother, she is my role model for motherhood. The hardest thing was not having an earthly role model for motherhood(at least not a good one) so I chose the best mother I could think of to emulate. I am so far from perfect, but God’s grace has brought me a long long way.

 

[coralewisjr]

BlestOne:

Thank you for your prayers!!! I never turn them down. I have to say that I consider myself very blest. Yes, what I went through was bad and wrong but it did make me a stronger person. I am also grateful that I was still relatively young when God graced me with the knowledge that the only way for me to grow and “get over it” was through forgiveness. I believe that God gave me these experiences for a reason, and though I may never know why, ultimately they will help myself or others. That is why I am not ashamed to talk about the abuse. I really truly pray that nobody would ever have to feel like I did or go through what I did, but I know it has and will happen to others. Before I learned to deal with the abuse I started to believe all the lies, that I was a bad person, that I wasn’t worthy of life. Today I know that nobody on earth can judge me unworthy of my heavenly fathers love. I am loved and cherished because I am his, not because I am strong or good or anything else. I look to that as a model of how to love the children God has graced me with. I also thank God for our Blessed Mother, she is my role model for motherhood. The hardest thing was not having an earthly role model for motherhood(at least not a good one) so I chose the best mother I could think of to emulate. I am so far from perfect, but God’s grace has brought me a long long way.

Wow. God is the best Healer.
Mary is my role model, too! Along with St. Gianna Molla and St. Monica. Jesus wants us to place our trust in Him so I need to remember to do that more often. Why not place my confidence in His mother? (thus my signature)

Update on Dad: He got my card today and sent me an email thanking me for the “sweet card”. It is so much easier to love him from a distance…God is helping us to get along and love each other in spite of our faults.

my Mother my Confidence,
Corinne

 

[deb1]

My mom was the abuser in our family. She, herself, had come from an abusive family. Her dad was alcoholic and beat my grandma and uncle. He once tried to prostitute his oldest daughter for a bag of groceries-luckily this didn’t work. My mom also suffered a horrible tragedy early in her adult life. My dad died in Vietnam when she was only 21 and I was 5 weeks old. On a purely intellectual level, I understand the background that went into making my mom and can have a certain amount of sympathy for her.

Wow! It would take several hundred post to describe my mom. I strongly suspect that she has NPD-narcisstic personality disorder. Growing up, there were lots of men in and out of our house. My mom was a very attractive woman and men gravitated to her. She was married six times! But she seemed to have an inability to go deeper then a superficial attachment. Once the man stopped telling her how wonderful she was and began to establish a normal relationship, she didn’t want him. During the times that there wasn’t a man in her life, my mom demanded that we kids fill her needs. We had to sit around and tell her how wonderful she was. That she was the best mom, youngest most beautiful person in the world etc. If we didn’t do this then she went into rages that lasted for days. Although she never hit me, I used to be so frightened of these uncontrollable rages that I would hide under my bed at night. When she had a man in her life, we were ignored and ran wild, when she didn’t we weren’t allowed to even have friends or leave the house. My mom’s response to our claims to have friends was: “You don’t have any real friends. I’m your only real friend.”

Verbally, my mom was increadibly abusive. All my life, I was a slut or whore. When I was 10, I caught her going through my stepdad’s wallet. She called me into the bedroom and told me that she thought that he was cheating on her and that we had to find out. I responded by being shocked at her. I loved this particular husband of hers and didn’t believe that he would do such a thing. SHe calmly sat me on the edge of the bed and told me that I was nothing but a cold shell of a human being. That I had no “Human emotions” I can’t tell you the pain and confusion that this caused me. The normal activities that mom’s do, like washing dishes or making dinner, were things that we had to constantly thank her for. She often told us that other mothers would have given their children up for adoption in order to get a husband, but because she loved us so much, she kept us. Even though we frightened away all men. For this, we had to thank her over and over again.

My mom was addicted to pain meds and used us kids to get them. We had to go to the Dr. and pretend to have migraines and get pain meds. SOmetimes she would have us call the pharmaciest, pretend to be the dr’s receiptionist, use a number on the label of a bottle of pills and get her refills. Then we kids had to pick up the meds, so she wouldn’t go to jail. When I finally tried to stand up to her, she started doing things like putting a gun to her head in front of us. Or threatening to take large qualities of pills. Finally, in an effort to protect my brother and sister I had her committed. Guess what? The Doctor told me that she was normal and let her go!

When I first became a Christian, I struggled with the issue of honoring your parent. My mother can have a very charismatic personality when she wants to. So, explaining mom’s problems to people that don’t know her well can be difficult. My last pastor basically told me that my mom was a wonderful person.

Recently, I made the decision to distance myself from mom. I can not tell you what a burden this has lifted off my shoulders.Her anger had begun to be shifted toward my sons and I refuse to let them grow up like I did. I call her about once a week to check up on her, but I no longer allow her to come to my home. It took me 38 years to come to the conclusion that honoring your parents does not mean accepting abuse or mistreatement.

 

[deb1]

Momofone My dad was a blamer and literally would have temper tantrums. Also:

P.S. I refuse to pick up A Child Called It. I don’t think that I could handle reading it. :crying:

Do you know that saying, “It takes two to argue.” Well, whoever came up with that must not have dealt with my mom. Like your dad, she would harrass and cry until ignoring her became impossible. Over the years, I have come to a theory on why my mom engages in this bizarre behavior. I found that I would just agree with her inorder to shut her up. I think that in her deranged mind this was a form of power. She could get me to do just about anything to avoid these nutty episodes of tantrums and absurd, never ending arguements. Half the time, she would pick an argument and change sides in the middle, how do you cope with someone so extreme? The final straw for me, came when she began to do this with my sons. I refuse to expose my sons to her weirdness or selfish egocentric nuttiness… I haven’t allowed her in my house since because I need to protect my kids first.

As far as the book, **It. **I haven’t gotten it for the same reasons that you haven’t. I have thumbed through it on the book rack. The abuse in the book disturbs me and breaks my heart.

 

[coralewisjr]

Lord, have mercy on us.
Christ, have mercy on us.
Lord, have mercy on us.

St. Monica, pray for us.
St. Gianna Molla, pray for us.
St. Joseph, pray for us.

Abusers need God’s help so much!! deb1 I wonder if your mother has some sort of split personality disorder if she can make your pastor think she’s a great person and you know otherwise. Let’s pray that people like her can get the help they need.

my Mother my Confidence,
Corinne

 

[deb1]

coralewisjr:

Abusers need God’s help so much!! deb1 I wonder if your mother has some sort of split personality disorder if she can make your pastor think she’s a great person and you know otherwise. Let’s pray that people like her can get the help they need.

my Mother my Confidence,
Corinne

I can understand why you would think that. My belief is that she likes to be admired and respected and for short periods can fake a very sweet demeanor. This is why it is so hard to get her treatment. She is very aware of what she is doing though. For example, when she goes to her doctor’s, she always brings the nurses chocolate and little presents. She remembers little facts about them and ask about their families. When she is away from them, though, she talks bad about their races(most are black) and makes very hateful comments. In order for her to have a split personality she would not be able to turn herself on and off so quickly.

ON the plus side growing up with such a woman has in some ways made my life easier. I usually can tell when someone is lying to me. Unlike some people, I don’t judge others by superficial appearances. I usually wait until I know someone well before I decide if I like them or not. I find that most of life’s stresses don’t freak me out like some people. When you grow up in a highly dysfunctional family, not much can phase you. I am also very grateful for my normal, stable family. ALso, oddly enough, I have a weird sense of humor. I can find something funny in even the worst situations, so most of the time, I have a positive attitude toward life. Lastly, my crazy mom has actually brought me close to our lady. I just think that it is so awesome that Jesus would share his mother with those of us from unstable households.

 

[Siena]

What helped me most with my dad (physical, emotional abuse of the whole family) was (after distancing myself from him, and he from us after he divorced my mom) was when I began to see him as a child If you put every insane action in light of a 2 yr old yelling out, or having a tantrum, it makes more sense. I then began to really pity him, especially for the things he misses out on as a result (a close relationship with my kids, for example). He is my father, but he can’t control, or define me, and through this, what he tries to do dosn’t “matter” to me anymore. It is a wonderful freedom!

 

[Veronica1952]

Yes, especially my father, who was physically and verbally abusive. I didn’t realize he was abusive till much later in life, because when he hit me with a belt, broom, mop, etc. he would often quote from the Bible - the spare the rod, spoil the child verse! The abuse started when I was very young, it was mostly hitting with the belt, for little childhood infractions. One time I colored the diagrams in his electrical book (I didn’t have a coloring book and was naturally creative ) I got black and blue from doing that. My mother was powerless to help me, she was often sick and bedridden. When she tried to intervene my father yelled at her and even hit her. She couldn’t leave him because she was so dependent on him. Religion was a big issue as a teenager. I was made to feel like I was the world’s biggest sinner. When I came home from a date my father called me a whore and a slut. Yes, I had many dates - because I wanted to get out the house so much! My clothes were once tossed out the window because I wore a mini skirt (this was in the late 60’s )
Looking back now and being in psychotherapy because of this, I realize he was sick himself - either suffering from schizophrenia or depression. When my mother died in '89 I was left to care for him, which was especially difficult. I had one other sibling but she was younger than me and not very reliable. My father eventially developed dementia and had serious medical problems. The nursing home called me often because he often took out his aggression on other patients and medical personnel. Medications were not helping him because he spit them out the first chance he got. Often he was kept restrained in his bed. When he died years later I honestly did not feel any grief, just relief that his suffering - mental and physical was over. To this day I have dreams that he is alive and that his hand reaches from the grave to drag me into the ground! I worry about the after life - Is he in hell or heaven? He was very religious, but still, do I want to be in heaven with such a person??

 

[coralewisjr]

Veronica1952:

Yes, especially my father, who was physically and verbally abusive. I didn’t realize he was abusive till much later in life, because when he hit me with a belt, broom, mop, etc. he would often quote from the Bible - the spare the rod, spoil the child verse! The abuse started when I was very young, it was mostly hitting with the belt, for little childhood infractions. One time I colored the diagrams in his electrical book (I didn’t have a coloring book and was naturally creative ) I got black and blue from doing that. My mother was powerless to help me, she was often sick and bedridden. When she tried to intervene my father yelled at her and even hit her. She couldn’t leave him because she was so dependent on him. Religion was a big issue as a teenager. I was made to feel like I was the world’s biggest sinner. When I came home from a date my father called me a whore and a slut. Yes, I had many dates - because I wanted to get out the house so much! My clothes were once tossed out the window because I wore a mini skirt (this was in the late 60’s )
Looking back now and being in psychotherapy because of this, I realize he was sick himself - either suffering from schizophrenia or depression. When my mother died in '89 I was left to care for him, which was especially difficult. I had one other sibling but she was younger than me and not very reliable. My father eventially developed dementia and had serious medical problems. The nursing home called me often because he often took out his aggression on other patients and medical personnel. Medications were not helping him because he spit them out the first chance he got. Often he was kept restrained in his bed. When he died years later I honestly did not feel any grief, just relief that his suffering - mental and physical was over. To this day I have dreams that he is alive and that his hand reaches from the grave to drag me into the ground! I worry about the after life - Is he in hell or heaven? He was very religious, but still, do I want to be in heaven with such a person??

Yikes.
I hope that he’s in purgatory. I hope that my paternal grandpa who committed suicide a few years ago is in purgatory; Mom tells me that he was a very loving man.

I learned this at a mental hospital back in 2002 but now I see how true it is: group therapy is good!

my Mother my Confidence,
Corinne

 

[The_Angelus]

Until six months ago, I was.

My father (I thank God for him every day) finally got a legal separation from my mother six months ago. He has been the only light in a very dark tunnel for the past, oh, thirteen years.

I won’t say it’s as bad as the stories of blestone and savone or any of the others on this board (sadly, too many to count). Nothing sexual, a lot of emotional, mental, and physical abuse. I remember getting punched and slapped for adding the wrong kind of red wine to the boeuf du bouerginnoine (sp?) when I was nine. Having a nine-year-old do your gourmet cooking for you is bad enough, but getting punished for adding the something-or-other French name instead of the other French name on a bottle I’m not legally supposed to be using is really nasty. That about sums up my experience. But at least I can cook now! I graduate next year from the university with a degree in neurology and a minor in culinary arts. Fried brain, anyone?

Though I’m not nearly as good as the rest of you folks at forgiveness. My mother and I still collide and explode whenever we hear a word from, to, or about each other. I hate her and I know that’s not a good emotion but I can’t muster up the will to paste a sickly smile on my face and say I forgive her when I know I don’t. Give me about thirty years and I might be able to, but for now, that’s one goal that’s out of reach. My prevailing philosophy is that she doesn’t deserve my forgiveness, and I’ve had so many Beatitudes quoted at me that I have “Blessed are the meek” practically burned into my eardrums.

So my better side hopes I’ll be able to forgive her someday, but the prevailing side is saying “Fat chance.” HOpefully with a few more years and a lot more grace, I’ll see my way to forgiveness.