Difference between boyfriend material and marriage material

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EasterJoy said:
Yes.** I think this is why people without a healthy sense of themselves sometimes do not recognize a manipulator or a user.** If you were brought up in a house where your mother constantly criticized you and emotionally manipulated you and your father either ignored you or thought you a nuisance, then of course the red flags won’t go up when you choose to date someone toxic. They just pick up where your family left off, and you’re so used to being in the soup pot that you don’t recognize that you’re being cooked again.

It is like being brought up where all the money is counterfeit. You either don’t have any idea how to tell the real from the fake or, worse yet, when you see the real stuff it makes you uneasy, because it is so diffferent.
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EXACTLY! Good analogy.

I wasn’t given a negative view from either parent, it’s just that my mother was the child of an alcoholic (I learned that decades after her death, not from her) and my dad just didn’t have much to offer, I guess. I learned many good things from him, about working hard, and being proud of myself, but not being too proud to do the work that God sets in front of me. But there was an absence of that cherishing that dads should always give their daughters, and that set me up to look for what I thought was love but was the counterfeit, lust. I knew no other way to be someone in a man’s eyes. And the culture told me no different either.

None of my relationships have been close to healthy. One boyfriend was an abuser - that surprised me. I found his attention very flattering, but he was jealous and obsessive. Then my husband, always more focused on work and his own pursuits, a very damaged man because of his parents’ train wreck of a marriage. I probably passed up many healthier men because I wouldn’t have known what to do with true devotion. It feels so totally familiar to me to always be emotionally hungry, yearning for someone’s love and care.
😦

It took me a long time to recognize the seeds of narcissism in my husband, too. He’s not as full-blown as another family member, but it’s there. When I tell him that I need an emotional connection, and he just looks at me like, “uh-huh…blah blah blah” I get it.
 
Find a “Living in Love” weekend course for yourselves then become mentors for engaged couples (in the Catholic Church)-“Living in Love” is a wonderful way to teach how males and females relate to eachother.
 
karow said:
Good question. I didn’t start seeing anyone exclusively until I thought there was a potential for marriage at some point, but I didn’t hear wedding bells after the first date, either. If that makes any sense. 🙂 So I guess the terms are synonymous for me.

My husband and I have been talking about this topic in reference to our daughters and what we’re going to advise them in a few years when they sally forth into the World of Dating, Romance, and Relationships. (And if that isn’t one of the scariest ideas we’ve faced!) Some of the questions we’d like the girls to be able to answer as they date and, more importantly, decide to marry someone are:
  1. How do his mom and dad treat each other and act in each other’s company?
  2. How does he handle his money and finances?
  3. How punctual is he and how does he handle lateness: yours, his, and other people’s?
  4. What’s his dad like? What’s his mom like?
  5. Do either of his parents or do any of his siblings have a substance abuse/mental health issues? If so, how have they handeled it?
  6. What is his sense of futurity like?
  7. What does he read?
  8. What’s his relationship with his mom like?
  9. What’s his relationship with his dad like?
  10. How does he handle it when someone disagrees with his thoughts or ideas?
  11. What’s his sense of humor like?
  12. If he had previous girlfriends, how does to talk about them?
  13. How does he treat employees in restaurants, bars/pubs, the cinema, etc.?
  14. What are his friends like?
  15. How often does he genuinely smile and laugh?
    and
    15. What’s his faith/prayer life like?
We think it’s important for our daughters to look at these questions and start answering them when the man is Boyfriend Material and be able to answer them thoroughly and honestly as he becomes Husband Material.

In fact, we’ll probably sit our daughters down when they tells us they’re getting married and quiz them on these questions until they can answer them to our satisfaction. If they can’t do that, we’ll send her back out there to date him some more until they can. (Or better yet, we just won’t let them date at all, ever. :rotfl:)

Slightly off topic, yeah, but I hope this helps you somewhat.
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People who would devoutly follow this list will only end up single and lonely for the rest of their live’s. The fact that it’s important what the character is of his/her parent’s and friend’s is downright silly. We see many Good Catholic’s with non religious parent’s or even immoral parent’s and vice versa, we also see Good Catholic men and women who’s friend’s may not be the most moral people but this has little impact on their character and should have. As long as the person isn’t affected by these thing’s which if they are a practicing Catholic then they won’t be it shouldn’t matter. Marriage is whenever you and your spouse become one unit and thus you form your own family, yes you will also share in each other’s family but your priority should be to your own family now and as long as you are sure about each other then you will be able to get through anything.

What should be the most important is their character and is it dictated by a Christian conscience which is their very nature, this will affect thing’s like how men/woman see and behave around the opposite sex whether it is merely on tv, magazine or out at a party actually speaking to someone who is attractive and flirting or lustfully desiring them in your mind etc, it is disrespectful and unmanly and not womanly even if it’s common among secularist’s and even some religious. Where they will learn not to be spiteful or ignorant behind other’s back’s for gossip enjoyment and try and see the good in other’s or just ignore it, where they are humble and constantly trying to live up to what a man/woman should be and that they put their spouse and families happiness first out of the love they have for them. A few thing’s on that list are ideal and other’s not important at all for the reason’s i gave
 
I would add one quality that seems to me to be very important and that is some amount of introspection, or a willingness to look into one’s own motives, actions, choices, and to be willing to make changes…

If a person is 100% external, not ever self-examining, it is very hard to make progress in personal relationships if there are problems.
 
A guy is who is willing to take a risk and put in the effort. :cool:
 
There is the old joke - 100 lbs and 50K an year. Just kidding but thought we all needed a laugh.
 
cmscms said:
Just to give some perspective, I am a woman. I think it is great that you and your husband are already talking about your daughters dating life (shows you have good communication,). However, I think your list is unfair in ways to a man (or woman if the roles were reversed)

For example, my parents would put on an act in public and everyone would think they treat each other with respect. But behind closed doors, I have seen my dad talk disrespectfully to my mom. Any man who would hold that against me frankly is a jerk

And to know how a man’s sibling or parent handles their own mental health issues has nothing to do with whether or not the said man is marriage material. If I met a man who was a good guy and took no garbage from his alcoholic brother who refused treatment, I would not hold that against a man. Men can’t control their families.

And as for his relathionships with his parents. It all depends. If one of his parents was so abusive he had no choice to cut contact with them, I would not hold that against a man. If he was a good person, I would actually admire his strenght.

Just because someone grew up in unfortunate circumstances is no reason to write them off. Anyone can turn to God and become a good person and the catch of the century

CM
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Yeah, if that list applied to me, every man would run for the hills. My parents are divorced, my dad’s an alcoholic and beats and humiliates women. My mom is an emotional wreck and takes a potent dose of anti-depressants just to get by without a job.

I have been abused and have emotional baggage.

I guess I’m glad my husband didn’t judge me based on my terrbily dysfunctional family.
 
Actually come to think of it, I did have a couple of serious boyfriends where the parents adored me, but as they got to know more about my family, I noticed my boyfriends’ parents beginning to change their attitude towards me.

I was a lovely girl and eventually these parents advised their sons to break up with me b/c of my family history. It was very hurtful.

Once I finished university, got a career going and had my own life, my family history didn’t seem to matter as much to potential suitors. I was also more straight up about my parents and if it scared a potential boyfriend away, I just let him go and moved on.

Then I met my husband…he understood me and felt great empathy for me. He supported my goals to work on myself and improve myself. He also came from a dysfunctional family and we were both survivors and fighters. He had an advantage over me. He is very close to his mother and I am neglected by both of my parents.

Our marriage is not perfect and we can both be dysfunctional, but we love eachother very much. He’s my rock and I’m his rock. We also have 2 gorgeous children in the mix.
 
chevalier said:
By asking the gal out and sticking around despite being turned down? 😛 I’ve seen that happen. 😛
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I was referring to people in a dating relationship. Guys should be consistent and put forth the effort to pursue a lady or make arrangements for the dates. Not expecting the lady to carry the relationship in other words. If a lady turns you down for a date this doesn’t apply of course.
 
Luvz2travel said:
I was referring to people in a dating relationship. Guys should be consistent and put forth the effort to pursue a lady or make arrangements for the dates. Not expecting the lady to carry the relationship in other words. If a lady turns you down for a date this doesn’t apply of course.
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Yup, you must’ve realised I was joking. Nonetheless the joke stressed the fact how expectations are sometimes less than fully logical or the lady’s approach can be too passive compared to her expectations of the relationship. Classic situation that may backfire is turning a man down without explanation or telling him the lady’s not interested so that he’d work harder. It may have the opposite effect.

Hah, reminds me of a funny situation. A couple of years ago, during my last year as a student, I actually threw a random place at lightning speed, just to appear confident and in control. My normal inclination on the other hand is often to be hesitant about such things, want (name removed by moderator)ut from the other party etc.
 
You need to find a “Living in Love weekend seminar” to be able to tell your children what to expect from marriage.
 
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