Difference in music taste leads to loneliness

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esperoemdeus

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My wife and I have very different tastes in music and it is a great source of sadness for me. My father was a great pianist and organist at Mass. As a child I used to go to bed listening to the sound of the great songs of the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s floating through the house. My mom used to love sitting on the sofa being enchanted by her husband on the piano at night after the kids have gone to bed.

I’ve inherited his love for music and love to play the piano myself and somehow I’ve acquired similar tastes to my dad. I love playing the classics of yesteryear (not classical music though but tunes such as Blue Spanish Eyes, the Sound of Music, Sleepy Shores, famous Doo Wop tunes, Fur Elize, Theme from Godfather, Black Eyes, etc.). I love getting on my piano and playing to my hearts content. Unfortunately, I do not have the love of my life coming to sit on the sofa to listen - never. I do appreciate that she’s more into the 80’s and 90’s stuff and I’ve learned some of those tunes but even then she’s hardly interested. I appreciate that she grew up in a non-musical family.

One day, a few years ago, I played her a tune which I would love to teach our kids as they play guitar, violin and piano as well. She scoffed at it as being so typical “your music”. That’s all she said the whole time. I felt quite hurt and have ever since retreated into my own world with my music. It is a great source of sadness for me. When I play, I play alone. For a long time now I do not share with her any new tunes I have learned such as Anonimo Venziano (by Stelvio Cipriani) which I started to play last week.

Yet, when I play at our friends house occassionally, they are mesmerised and marvel at the music I play even though they do not know all the tunes.

I do not know what to do anymore.
 
Do you believe you have a guardian angel? Do you believe God knows all, sees all…hears all? Remember you are never truly alone and God I’m sure loves your music.

I had a similar problem, I had someone in my life who constantly reminded me of my faults, disliked my topics of conversation even down to the weather. I felt very dejected until I realised one day, that actually she had helped me with great dedication to change, to live with regard to pleasing God above all things. To focus on His approval knowing that all mankind is flawed just as I am but love them anyway for the reflections of God that they are.

Your music sounds great and you clearly have a great gift given to you and often have the chance to play your beautiful music for the exclusive appreciation of your Heavenly Father. Why not dedicate each song to God and enjoy your one to one!

Peace be with you.
 
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I’ve never known a married couple who had the same taste in everything. From what you say here, you may be blowing this way out of proportion.
Take some time for your music, but spend time with her on things you both enjoy.
 
esperoemdeus said:
My mom used to love sitting on the sofa being enchanted by her husband on the piano at night after the kids have gone to bed.
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Understandably, you envision your wife doing the same. Have you tried playing some of the music she likes? Ask her what she would like to hear.
 
Does she know her reaction hurt you? Have you told her what you envision?

I agree, try playing something she may enjoy, too. As you say she isn’t musical, it may be she just doesn’t understand what it means to you. But I would also say that your expectations need to come down a little. Your marriage is not your parents’, and she is not your mother. She isn’t going to respond in the same way and I think you will have to come to terms with that.
 
Maybe she has some negative association with the music worth discussing? I used to associate 80’s music playing on my husband’s phone as the first sign that he intended to slowly get drunk and fight(not physically) with me by the end of the day.
 
I have learned to play some of her likes - Bryan Adams, Unchained Melody, the music of Bruce Springsteen. But even when I play these there’s hardly any reaction at all. I know she is not my mother and our marriage is different and I respect the fact that she has different tastes, etc.

All I’m trying to say that it is still hard for me in spite of all the reasoning.
 
I think you’re putting too much importance on this.

Not everybody goes ga ga over music. It probably has a big emotional impact for you because your folks shared a taste in it, but I’m sure there were areas where they disagreed on things.

DH and I don’t have all the same hobbies and that’s perfectly fine. And we don’t pressure each other into liking our stuff. We have each other’s back in the areas where it counts.
 
It is hard not to be able to share things that matter to you with your spouse. What I’ve learned is that I have to drop any and all expectations of my husband and redirect my focus on Jesus.

We do not share any interests outside our faith and family - and even then, the way we perceive these things and express our thoughts and beliefs is completely different.

I agree with the poster who said that offering up your music for the glory of God is the best thing of all. You might try to find out what your wife would like to do and do that … but you will probably want to keep your hopes and expectations for a deeper connection low.
 
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Yes, music runs very deep in my veins and it is hard not to be able to share it with my wife. But I guess, that yes, I need to invite Jesus into that area of my life and offer up my playing to him and find my peace in him. Thanks for the advice.
 
My husband and I have some overlap in our music tastes. But I am never going to like, or even listen to AC/DC with him. And that’s okay.

I am an artist. I paint, I create things. My husband sees them, but has never really expressed much interest outwardly though other people do.

But it is not for him that I create, it is for me.
You must learn to enjoy your music for yourself. Perhaps try to stop comparing your life to your parents.

Maybe you can take your talents to your church. Or share your music with a local nursing home, the residents would love to hear you play, believe me.

But do not resent your wife. That isn’t fair.
 
I absolutely second, third, and fourth this! Go to the nursing homes and play!

I play piano and I can testify that most nursing homes and retirement communities have little-no budget for group activities other than those that can be purchased and used over and over again (e.g., a bingo set up, or other games).

So if you ask a local home if you may come and play once a week at a regular time that suits them and that you don’t expect pay–they will start crying and tell you yes, yes, yes!

In one of the nursing homes in our city, a man refused to leave his 9 foot Steinway in his home, but he needed 24 hours supervision and care. So he requested to be able to donate that Steinway to his nursing home, and of course they said yes. It’s one of the best pianos in our city, comparable with the 9 foot Steinways at our local music club! It’s a pleasure to play on it, and the type of songs that you describe are well-received by the residents.

Just be prepared for them to occasionally sing along with yoU!

I hope you do this–you will be richly blessed!
 
Maybe you just need to accept that this is not something you and your wife share. It doesn’t need to be a source of sadness. It’s your thing. And your kids share your love of music.
 
Irishmom2 said:
My husband and I have some overlap in our music tastes. But I am never going to like, or even listen to AC/DC with him. And that’s okay.
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Yeah. My wife and I love some of the same music. But some music I love she hates.

And it’s the same in other areas of life.

I love going for a nice walk in nature together with my wife.

But I also love to kayak, especially in fast whitewater, down waterfalls and rapids. And kayak racing. My wife is just not interested in this. But It’s my passion. I do it because I love it and it helps me to relax and de-stress.
 
People should not be afraid to have different interests when they marry. As long as one does not overdo the time they spend on a hobby or interest, it can be a good thing, because a relaxed and de stressed person is more enjoyable to be around.
 
My fiance does not really like my music either and I don’t generally like hers.

I was raised by my Grandparents and am a 5th generation Mexican American. I am 33 and I like the oldies from the 50s 60s and 70s. Doo woo, Motown, funk, soul. All the great romantic stuff from those decades. She is full on Mexican and although she likes music in English it is not my type of music and she listens to these pop songs in Spanish that I do not understand as I am not fluent in Spanish and I doubt I would like them even if I was.

She has complained that my music is “hard to understand” “sounds old” she does not appreciate the harmony of Doo wop or the falsetto that was the style in the 50s. She turned on her music the other day and commented “let’s listen to GOOD music” implying that my music is bad music. And it’s not the first time she has made that comment. She asks me to change the song I’m listening to or to change my CD fairly often. It actually is annoying sometimes.

I go to Mexican parties a lot with her and most the time the music sounds like “circus music” to me but I don’t complain lol. I do like some Spanish music just how she likes some English, but it is generally older classics that I like in Spanish.

I was certain at first that she would come to appreciate my type of music because I have won over friends in the past who did not like oldies and they became oldies lovers. But she was raised in a different country, a different culture so she may never grow to appreciate my music. And my music is important to me too.

But you know what… It’s small potatoes. We love each other and she can dislike my music all she wants because I doubt I will ever like hers so it goes both ways. I hope that is the biggest annoyance in our relationship.
 
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Some of our most fun evenings lately as a family has been screaming at alexa to play a song one of us likes. We all get a turn and it is a blast. Your posts seems really self focused and does not seem to give credit to your wife’s taste in music. Almost as if you look down on her for that. That isn’t good at all!
 
I think you feel upset not because you have different music tastes, but you feel you have a talent in music, your talent is part of your personality, and your wife doesn’t want to share it.

My daughter is musical. She’s composing some techno music. I’m not a techno music fan, but she puts together pretty coherent tunes. I listen to each new piece.

I think your wife could make an effort to listen for a bit, and say something supportive. Not everyone can play an instrument well.
 
It sounds as if you grew up with parents who gave you a wonderful example of mutual respect and shared interests. You are blessed to have had that.

That said, your wife isn’t as enthusiastic, and doesn’t have the same love of music as you do. But, there is obviously something there. You did marry each other, after all.

Don’t try to change your wife. If your kids want to learn music, let them learn. But, don’t expect to clone your family of origin. That’s unrealistic, and can even be disrespectful to your wife. Keep your expectations realistic. Do you share any other interests? Even if there’s not much, your faith, your kids, and the marriage itself can be plenty! Stop sulking and do something positive!
 
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