Difference in music taste leads to loneliness

  • Thread starter Thread starter esperoemdeus
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I am a trained musician, a singer, a pianist, a guitarist, a composer, and a music teacher. I have very strong preferences and dislikes with regard to music.

That being said, I would never make music more important than my vocation!

You are a husband – that is your vocation. Your wife is not you, and she is not your mother. Allow her to be herself, and stop resenting her for not going weak in the knees over your music. It sounds like you are putting your musical interests over your marriage!

Enjoy your music on your own. Share it with those who enjoy it. Accept and love your wife as the woman God created and you chose to marry.
 
Hi @legend I think you’ve clicked reply on my post rather than the OP?
Peace.
 
Sorry, @Lee1. I thought I was answering the OP. Glad you pointed it out! I like your answer, though. Offering one’s talents to God is always a good idea!
 
It seems that many respondents have lost perspective of what I am really saying. We are not talking a trivial difference like she likes vanilla ice cream whilst I prefer chocolate ice cream. Neither is it a case of neither of us play sport but if we do watch on TV I prefer football whilst she prefers tennis. What if I was a professional footballer and my life revolved around football. Hours of practice, big matches, etc. Would it be reasonable to ask the love of my life to share my football life with me by say coming to watch when I play at least?

Now I am not a professional musician and the football example is a bit extreme - but I hope you get my point. She does ocassionally play guitar whilst I have played piano since age 7. I am choirmaster at our church where I lead the choir on the piano as well as the guitar. My wife sings in the choir. Music is a very big part of my life whereas she has a much more casual interest.

My wife is a very good woman - no doubt about that. I do not expect her to be my mother or anyone else. My mother was not musical and could not play an instrument at all, yet she revered my father and his music. Yes, my wife is a different person and I must respect that. But if there was something really important to her, she spent hours on her activity, should I not as husband make the effort and take an interest simply because it is important to her?

When my son has learned a new piece on the piano I sit and listen because it is important to him that I take an interest and support him. Same goes with my other son who plays the guitar. My wife does the same. My other son loves building model tanks. When he completes one he comes to show me and explains all about the tank, its history, etc. I listen and take an interest because it is important to him.

When I learn to play a new song, no-one takes an interest. The kids roll their eyes and I get it! My music is old-fashioned. They’re kids I cannot expect them to reciprocate what I do to them. I used to call my wife to come listen. She’d sit there for a while and the comment from her is always, “It’s ok” and she’d leave. Nothing more nothing less. So I stopped calling her ages ago.

It is a very lonely place to be and I have decided that I’ll play for Jesus from now on as one of the respondents suggested.

Thanks for the posts.
 
esperoemdeus said:
When I learn to play a new song, no-one takes an interest.
Click to expand...
I’m just gonna be straight up with you – I don’t get your statement here at all.

As a musician, when I learn a new piece, I learn it for me. For me, making music is like breathing. I have never done it for anyone but me, and to glorify God for the gifts and interests He gave me. I have played the piano, the organ, and even the guitar (not my best instrument) at mass, as well as directed the choir, sung in the choir, and cantored. But it’s never for anyone else to appreciate my hard work.

Yeah, when I was in college and performing in a musical or opera, the applause was fun, but still, I gained so much from the simple act of singing, that it never mattered if I got kudos from the audience – though I did hope that my gifts could bring them joy, seeing as they’d paid for a ticket and all.

And as a mom, I totally understand listening to your kids go on and on and on about things that you couldn’t care less about, except that it’s your child talking to you and you love them with all your heart – AND you want to encourage their efforts and interest as they grow.

Part of being an adult, however, means not expecting someone to ooh and ahh every time we accomplish something.

When I learnt to play a couple of difficult piano pieces after my left hand was mangled in an accident, I didn’t go running around showing everyone what I’d accomplished. And believe me, playing a Bach prelude with only nine fingers, one of which is bent awkwardly and gets caught up in the black keys all the time, is no small feat. I learnt those pieces for the joy of making music, for the rush of setting a personal goal and meeting it. Nobody else’s ears mattered except mine and my Lord’s.

If you really can’t handle not having a audience, maybe it’s time to go play at a hospital, retirement home, or residential recovery center. There are so many people who would benefit from some musical entertainment.

And I’ll keep your marriage in my prayers. God bless you.
 
Last edited:
I find it interesting that you ask the question of whether you should take an interest in what interests her if the roles were reversed. I’ve read here about what you are interested in and what your kids are interested in. But you haven’t mentioned what your wife is really interested in. Maybe start there. Show an interest in what she enjoys and you may find that she reciprocates.
 
Yes, I think you’re right. The love languages are so insightful, aren’t they.

I hear the OP’s struggle, I really do. I’ll bet those new songs sound great. I would love to hear one!
 
I totally get the OP. I grew up in a home where music was a communal activity. We sat around the piano or guitar and sang together, and it’s memories I cherish. It may sound crazy to others, but I could have never married someone who didn’t enjoy musical theater, jazz, classical, American vocal standards. For some people, music is something they enjoy personally and they prefer it that way, but for others (particularly musicians) it’s an active part of their life. I love attending performances, films, concerts, and parties where the music I like will be performed. I love discussing what I enjoy about the music and the words with my husband. Fortunately, my husband and I are on the same wave-lengths on most kinds of music and are both open-minded enough to try new things. For example, last night we went on a date to watch a screening of Hello Dolly on the big screen and we’ve been listening to and discussing the pros and cons of various cast recordings all day. On the other hand, I have experienced disappointment myself when my husband doesn’t even seem to attempt to understand a certain piece or style I like, and I know what that felt like. I would be really unhappy and hurt if that was his reaction to everything or even most of the music I liked or performed.

On the other hand, I truly can’t stand the sound of most of the classical organ music he plays and listens to. It’s so loud and atonal sounding to me, I feel really uncomfortable if it’s played too loud. I try to tell him this in a gentle way, so I don’t hurt his feelings. It’s open season on his obsession with “Song of Norway” though. It’s the most ugly, obnoxious, horrendous, shrieking and caterwauling I’ve ever heard. I’ve been subjected to all of his cast recordings and not one of them have any redeeming value whatsoever. He continually asks me to watch the film with him, but even he can’t stay awake through the pointless thing. I do not need to give them another chance. They suck. So, whenever he mentions it and how “some critics felts it was better than The Sound of Music”, I roll my eyes and throw sofa cushions at him. However, since I have to be a submissive Catholic wife, I agreed that if there was every a revival stage performance or showing of the film in our area, I would go with him to see it. Fortunately, I feel fairly confident that will never happen in my lifetime, as it is the worst musical that was ever made. Ever.
 
Last edited:
I am pretty sure if you called local retirement communities, nursing homes, they would be thrilled to have someone come in and play piano for the residents.

You might even be able to pick up a couple of gigs playing piano at a nice club.

Offer to play for a local theatre group, give piano lessons. There are many ways to play for folks!
 
PS- I second the performances at homes for the elderly as a solution, however, if I was talking to the wife, I would point out that driving her husband out into the geriatric wards for a bit of approval with her indifference for his passion is probably not the best thing for their marriage and she might want to rethink her attitude.
 
Parties too. Lots of people miss the lost art of sitting around the piano listening to and singing along with the old standards. You are a precious commodity.
 
Allegra, that is something I have only seen in movies, but it looks like so much fun.
 
PS- I don’t know where the OP lives, but up north there are places called “supper clubs”, which are essentially restaurants out in the country. THey often hire an organist to play live and I’m told they make very good tips. I know this sort of gig is probably for the retired fellow, unless he just so happens to live in Wisconsin, but its something to think of.
 
I don’t mean to be harsh, but surely when you were courting your wife, you must have become aware that she did not share your taste in music or your interest in music. I presume you two share interests and tastes in other areas, or you would not have gotten married. If sharing your taste in music was a big deal breaker, you should have chosen a different wife.

I too had a strong interest in music, which my husband didn’t share. He liked some music and I could do occasional musical things with him, but he did not want to be attending shows and concerts with me on a regular basis as I did for many years.

After some negative experiences when I made him attend a concert with me and he just wasn’t into it, or in one case fell asleep during it, I simply did those music activities with other friends of mine who enjoyed them, or by myself. I let husband stay home enjoying his own hobbies that I didn’t share an interest in.
When we spent time together, we planned an activity we both enjoyed.
This made us both much happier.

With respect to teaching the kids music, you can certainly do that with the kids if they enjoy playing it with you. You don’t have to involve your wife.

If you don’t like her to “scoff”, try saying, “Honey, I know you don’t like the same music I do, but it hurts my feelings when you say those things. Couldn’t you please be a bit more kind? After all, I don’t make remarks about your music (or other interest of hers that you don’t share).”
 
Last edited:
I play piano/organ and I love doing it.

But if I had to choose between my husband and my music, there would be no question–the music would go.

I have a suggestion for you–give up your music.

Not necessarily forever, but for a while. You’ve spent so much time brooding and obsessing about your wife’s lack of interest that if you don’t nip this in the bud, pretty soon, you will be leaving your wife because it’s very likely that another woman will come along who WILL love your music!

You have made this into a huge big deal, and it shouldn’t be. In most marriages, each partner has at least one interest or hobby that utterly bores the other partner to death! In a healthy marriage, the partners are able to come to an agreement that allows them to both pursue their interests without any rancor from each other, and WITHOUT expecting the other partner to be enthusiastic about something they truly dislike or have no interest in.

It sounds like in your marriage, you have not been able to accept that your wife has no interest in your music, and you are brooding over this and making it way more of an issue than it should be. You simply have to get to a place where you can accept your wife the way she is, and not only accept her, but LOVE her and appreciate all the ways she varies from your “ideal.”

So stop this right now. Go ahead and play in nursing homes for people who won’t necessarily remember you when you leave, but will certainly enjoy you while you’re there.

But when you are at home, keep the piano closed, and spend the time with your wife, doing a lot of talking, eating together (maybe help her cook and or clean up), doing activities that BOTH of you enjoy, playing with kids if there are any, taking little day trips or evening drives to places that you both enjoy, and of course, praying, attending Mass, maybe watching Christian videos or listening to Christian speakers online.

Spend the time NOW building up a good relationship with your wife, not your piano.

In answer to your question–NO, if there is something really important to your wife that she spends hours on, you should NOT as a husband feel obligated to make an effort and take an interest simply because it is important to her! No! (Remember, I’ve been married for almost 40 years!).

All you have to do is recognize your wife’s interest and AFFIRM it–let her know that you are HAPPY that she enjoys it so much. If she want you to attend a meeting or a show or a performance or whatever once in a while (not every day)—sure, go ahead and endure it for her sake. But you don’t have to sit by her side and express enthusiasm (that you really don’t mean) just because she likes it. And she doesn’t have to make an effort to be more interested in what YOU enjoy just because you enjoy it.

One more thing–I would suggest making an appointment with a good counselor for just some short-term help. I think you and your wife have some communication problems.
 
Last edited:
When you manage to play a beautiful piece of music that really touches you deep down and brings you so much enjoyment, is it not natural to want to share it with someone? Especially that someone special? The message I get is yes, but if your wife has other interests then find someone else who would love to listen to your music. It is a fair comment I guess but the one most precious to me in my life is the one I love to share everything with.

Many years ago, when I was still a uni student, I stayed over at a little country cottage deep in the countryside. There was a small country restaurant I went to have my dinner at. They happened to have an upright piano in the corner. After the meal, I asked if I could play as I had nothing better to do. There were a few people and the fire was going. I played a few of the well known songs and then a gentlemen came up to me. He was around 50 I would guess. He had tears in his eyes. I’m a local farmer sonny, he said. Today is our 20th wedding anniversary and you’ve just played our wedding song. (I played The way you look tonight). I never dreamed of actually hearing it played today he said. His wife was sitting at their table looking at us with a big smile on her face.

The owner wanted me to come and play every evening and to be paid for it. I refused for I believe that if one has been blessed with the gift of music it should be used to give glory to God by uplifting others - no cost. My meals were on the house though!

By the way, I do not live in the US.
 
OK. This is going to be blunt. I can tell you are a more sensitive type, based on your post. Please take this in the spirit it is intended. Quit worrying about whether or not your wife likes your music. Do you like it? If so, you need to work towards making sure that is all that matters. The kind of music one likes is similar to the colors they find appealing. It isn’t a choice. It is either liked or it isn’t. Now if what is bothering you is that your wife doesn’t appreciate your genre of music, then you can let her know that is a problem for you. Personally, if my husband said that to me, it would be an ongoing private joke between us for the rest of our days. One thing you said did bother me, which was something along the lines of you “understand that she didn’t grow up with music in her home”. That could be taken as insulting, as in she can’t appreciate good music when she hears it. She may very well appreciate the music she likes, and doesn’t want to be bothered with music she doesn’t like. Maybe you are just seeking attention (?). If so, that is a valid need and a valid epectation…so talk about it with her. But don’t expect her to start lavishing you with praise and adoration for your music. She doesn’t like it. That should still be OK with you, because I am assuming there are plenty of other things she does like about you. Celebrate those things and enjoy your music on your own. It sounds like a gift which you should enjoy.
 
Of course it’s natural. Ideally, your wife would wake up tomorrow and have a changed attitude about your playing. You can certainly tell her that her indifference to your passion hurts you, if you think that would make a difference. If she doesn’t take up a love for your musical selections, you might at least try to affirm your passion for it. Short of that, there isn’t a whole lot that you can do. It might help to get affirmation from other people who really appreciate the music, but I don’t think that will ultimately help your relationship and depending on who you end up getting the affirmation from, could potentially cause even more issues. The more I think about this, counselling might not be a bad idea.

You wife’s attitude doesn’t seem normal to me. I wonder if there is more to it. Is she resentful about the time you spend on it? Is it monopolizing the family time? Are you possibly being inconsiderate about choosing a time to play when she is trying to watch Dr. Phil? Is she maybe insecure about it because she can’t play herself and feels like it is something she can’t really share with you? Sorry if it sounds awful, but is it possible she’s jealous of your talent or of the attention you might get from others for it? It’s kind of important to find that out, because if that’s the case, going off to play elsewhere isn’t going to do anything but make her more resentful. When you think about the possible more serious reasons for her disdain, an attitude of “your style’s too lame for my lunch table” is really the least of your worries.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top