Differences on how many kids to have when you come from a small family and marry someone from a big family?

[DlandFan06]

A lot of people in my church community have come from fairly large families and by fairly large, I mean four siblings or more. I myself come from a small family with just two siblings, me being the oldest. When it comes time to start a family, can you have an ideal number of children or will there be a conflict between the two spouses if say one wants a smaller family and the other wants a bigger family because of how big or small their families are.

For myself, I want three kids because my dad came from a family of four siblings and I come from a family of just two so the best scenario would be three. Three’s a middle of the road family anything more and I would start to wonder where the money for these kids would come from. I’m getting a little side tracked here. My question is: for those of you who come from small or smaller families and married someone from a big or bigger family, is there any disagreement as to how many kids you want do to your own family background.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Are you married or engaged? Have you started having kids? Is there a special woman in your life you’ve started having this disagreement with? Do you know what you’ll be making by the time you do start having kids, as well as what income your wife might add to that?

As I have just learned firsthand the very hard way, children are just something to plan for as they happen. I’m four months pregnant with the biggest surprise of my life right now, and I have NO CLUE how couples sit down and decide they’re ready to try for kids. How on earth can you ever be ready to make a whole new person who will be entirely dependent on you for everything for almost two decades? More to the point, how can you decide years in advance how many of these new, dependent people will ultimately be right for you and your spouse?

As scary as an unplanned pregnancy initially was (and I totally fell to pieces for weeks), it seems almost scarier to decide ahead of time to take the plunge. It’s like being pushed out of a plane instead of jumping. The first few seconds are waaaaay worse, but looking back, at least you didn’t have to stand on the edge and make yourself jump out.

 

[Herculees]

I just want to say remember children are a GIFT from God! Remember SEX is for propagation of children. So when you and your husband decide you want no more
children you should refrain from sex.

I’ve NEVER married and am from a small family (eight children). I can guess your thinking small and you have seven siblings, but you must understand I have cousins whose parents had 16 children! So in comparison 8 is small.

I must say I feel sorry for people who were not given at least one sibling and have pity for them and those NOT from large families as I loved having so many siblings.

We are 40+ years of age and all get along great!

 

[1ke]

When it comes time to start a family, can you have an ideal number of children or will there be a conflict between the two spouses if say one wants a smaller family and the other wants a bigger family because of how big or small their families are.

The vision for family life is something to discuss BEFORE you get married.

Regarding an “ideal” number of children, I’d encourage you to move away from that sort of thinking. God calls us to be both generous in cooperation with him and responsible in parenthood. How generosity and responsibility work together looks different in different families. And, regardless of one’s “ideals”, reality may have different plans for you-- some people end up with no children when they thought they would have them and vice versa.

Also, just because someone comes from a small family that doesn’t mean that they would not want a large family. My cousin who was an only biological child with one adopted sibling (his mom couldn’t get pregnant again), is a happy father of 5 with a wife from a family of 8.

I don’t think this is about other people. I think this is about you. So reflect on where these ideas are coming from and be prepare to discuss family goals as part of the overall process of discerning marriage. The worst approach is to ignore different expectations and think it will magically work out.

For myself, I want three kids because my dad came from a family of four siblings and I come from a family of just two so the best scenario would be three.

I’m sorry, but this just lacks discernment entirely. I would suggest this isn’t a way to discern a family size at all. It’s something you do WITH your spouse. It’s something you do throughout the entirety of your marriage. It’s not something you decide randomly like this and think will always stay the same.

I think the view of family grows over time with maturity. Frankly this doesn’t sound very mature to me. There is no “ideal” family size-- there is a call to continued generosity, responsible parenthood, and discernment. Perhaps there is much you can learn from the generous families who have responded to God’s call in your parish. Spend time with them, get a mentor among these fathers or mothers who are living out God’s call in their marriage. talk to them, understand them.

Three’s a middle of the road family anything more and I would start to wonder where the money for these kids would come from.

You are inventing problems for an imaginary family that doesn’t even exist yet. This is why the Church calls for continued discernment, not some sort of preconceived “ideal” number. You don’t know what future circumstances bring. And, again, it would be beneficial to get a mentor relationship with one of the husbands and fathers or mothers/wives in your parish if you want to understand how they discern such things.

My question is: for those of you who come from small or smaller families and married someone from a big or bigger family, is there any disagreement as to how many kids you want do to your own family background.

That doesn’t matter at all. If you ask 15 people you will get 18 answers and opinions.

What matters is how YOU approach discernment with any future spouse. What matters more is that you approach this discernment with the mind of the Church.

 

[EasterJoy]

In addition to looking for someone who is in the same ballpark of attitude and desire as you are when you start, I would highly recommend that you embrace the reality that either you or your spouse may change your mind about this later. Even if you are in total agreement of course you know that God–in the wisdom of the biology He gave you–may have another situation in mind than you do.

Our priest told us that if people really knew what they were getting into when they decided to marry and have children, a lot wouldn’t have the courage to do it. That does NOT mean that those who look back on their marriages in total agreement with our priest’s statement would not do it all over again. It means that marriage has this way of growing your generosity, if you allow it to. That is what it is meant to do; that is how it makes spouses into saints.

Marry someone who gets through life’s challenges using strategies and attitudes that seem to you to be one with the mind of Christ and in a mindset you would like to be in yourself. You won’t go wrong with that, and I don’t just mean deciding on the boundary conditions for an “ideal” life that you are not likely to find on the delivery sheet when your actual life is delivered.

 

[egretps]

You may be dreaming of a perfect size of three children and a mother and father. Those that have written above have given you excellent advice.

Not to be a ‘Debbie Downer’, but you actually have very little control over the size of your family.

Ask anyone who has struggled with infertility or adoption.

Also, you have precious little control over their God given talents and temperaments, although of the children you receive you may need to stretch yourself to lead and guide them as they grow up and through the different stages of childhood. God granted me a very crabby toddler who became an affable child and is now returns as sweet but at times snarky sharpwitted teenager. He also gave me a very attached but strong willed child who probably will want to take over the world the moment she enters adulthood. I have no idea why, but he gave me those kids and not one like myself which might have made it easier for me to understand and raise them. No, I’ve had to grow and change.

I’ve had to accept that I limited my family size by default. I put off having children just long enough that I only have two.

Keep God first in your heart, and understand that children are a Blessing.

 

[Catholic1954]

A lot of people in my church community have come from fairly large families and by fairly large, I mean four siblings or more. I myself come from a small family with just two siblings, me being the oldest. When it comes time to start a family, can you have an ideal number of children or will there be a conflict between the two spouses if say one wants a smaller family and the other wants a bigger family because of how big or small their families are.

For myself, I want three kids because my dad came from a family of four siblings and I come from a family of just two so the best scenario would be three. Three’s a middle of the road family anything more and I would start to wonder where the money for these kids would come from. I’m getting a little side tracked here. My question is: for those of you who come from small or smaller families and married someone from a big or bigger family, is there any disagreement as to how many kids you want do to your own family background.

Both parties need to be able to accept the number of children that God will send them.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Are you married or engaged? Have you started having kids? Is there a special woman in your life you’ve started having this disagreement with? Do you know what you’ll be making by the time you do start having kids, as well as what income your wife might add to that?

As I have just learned firsthand the very hard way, children are just something to plan for as they happen. I’m four months pregnant with the biggest surprise of my life right now, and I have NO CLUE how couples sit down and decide they’re ready to try for kids. How on earth can you ever be ready to make a whole new person who will be entirely dependent on you for everything for almost two decades? More to the point, how can you decide years in advance how many of these new, dependent people will ultimately be right for you and your spouse?

As scary as an unplanned pregnancy initially was (and I totally fell to pieces for weeks), it seems almost scarier to decide ahead of time to take the plunge. It’s like being pushed out of a plane instead of jumping. The first few seconds are waaaaay worse, but looking back, at least you didn’t have to stand on the edge and make yourself jump out.

Thanks for sharing this blueeyedlady. I know sort of how you feel: I’ve never been pregnant but am scared (not sure if that is the best word choice) of having kids / pregnancy. But my rational mind says that about 40-50% of pregnancies are unplanned… And the overwhelming opinion seems to be that the parents can’t imagine life being any other way after the baby is born. So for what it’s worth I don’t think you need to worry as much as perhaps you are / were :hug1:

To the OP, choosing the number of kids you’ll have is nothing more than a cute day dream. You’ll not know until you can biologically no longer have any more with your spouse I found that the number of children I wanted changed when I realised that it was ME and not some future version of myself that I didn’t know yet who would be the mother of said children

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks for sharing this blueeyedlady. I know sort of how you feel: I’ve never been pregnant but am scared (not sure if that is the best word choice) of having kids / pregnancy. But my rational mind says that about 40-50% of pregnancies are unplanned… And the overwhelming opinion seems to be that the parents can’t imagine life being any other way after the baby is born. So for what it’s worth I don’t think you need to worry as much as perhaps you are / were :hug1:

To the OP, choosing the number of kids you’ll have is nothing more than a cute day dream. You’ll not know until you can biologically no longer have any more with your spouse I found that the number of children I wanted changed when I realised that it was ME and not some future version of myself that I didn’t know yet who would be the mother of said children

There is also some peril involved in telling the whole world how many children you want. If you ever feel compelled to talk about this with ANYBODY, always append a loud “but, we’ll have to wait and see how we feel and what happens when the time comes. We could feel totally different about all of this then.” NEVER pretend that you can choose family size the way you can order how many place settings of your china you want. Never say anything that will rob you of your ability to be discrete about your situation in the future. Guard your future privacy, instead.

If you are very open with your “plans” and it turns out that you want more children than you eventually have, you may get far too many inquiries that only make your situation more difficult to bear when you don’t have the number of successful pregnancies that you wanted or some serious reason intervenes that you don’t want to share with the whole world.

If you have more children than you had loudly announced you wanted, whether because you changed your mind or because you are welcoming a pregnancy you had not expected, it can be even worse, including worse for the child. Yes, there are people out there who are thoughtless enough to tell a child “your parents didn’t really want you, you know.”

Regardless of any decisions you and your spouse make in this area, then, I’d make it a policy that this matter is your business and not something you share with the whole world. Then you can be openly thrilled every time you have a pregnancy to announce and you can have better grounds to expect people to mind their own business about pregnancies you do NOT have to announce, too. Instead you can say: “When we have a pregnancy we are ready to announce, we’ll try to get the word out to you then, so you can celebrate with us. Before that, we don’t make announcements.”

 

[Rau]

…So when you and your husband decide you want no more children you should refrain from sex.

You should have pointed out that this is your personal opinion and not taught by the church.

 

[angell1]

I just want to say remember children are a GIFT from God! Remember SEX is for propagation of children. So when you and your husband decide you want no more
children you should refrain from sex.

I’ve NEVER married and am from a small family (eight children). I can guess your thinking small and you have seven siblings, but you must understand I have cousins whose parents had 16 children! So in comparison 8 is small.

I must say I feel sorry for people who were not given at least one sibling and have pity for them and those NOT from large families as I loved having so many siblings.

We are 40+ years of age and all get along great!

no, I’m sorry, this is not church teaching

to the OP. I had similar worries as you. but honestly, the same posters gave me similar advice, there is no pointin worrying about things that have not happened yet.

maybe you will not be able to have three children, maybe you have a couple more than you thought. maybe you will have medical problems or financial problems, or maybe your wife will have anxiety or depression due to pregnancies and needs more of a break. maybe one or more of the kids will have a disability, maybe you will have to move to help with other family members. you just never know what can happen

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

A lot of people in my church community have come from fairly large families and by fairly large, I mean four siblings or more. I myself come from a small family with just two siblings, me being the oldest. When it comes time to start a family, can you have an ideal number of children or will there be a conflict between the two spouses if say one wants a smaller family and the other wants a bigger family because of how big or small their families are.

For myself, I want three kids because my dad came from a family of four siblings and I come from a family of just two so the best scenario would be three. Three’s a middle of the road family anything more and I would start to wonder where the money for these kids would come from. I’m getting a little side tracked here. My question is: for those of you who come from small or smaller families and married someone from a big or bigger family, is there any disagreement as to how many kids you want do to your own family background.

Your view of dictating what you deem perfect family size lacks spiritual discernment. And spousal discernment. It’s a wrong way to look at cocreating souls with God. And it’s a product of our culture sadly, probably more pronounce in the city which you reside in.

 

[CradleJourney]

You may be dreaming of a perfect size of three children and a mother and father. Those that have written above have given you excellent advice.

Not to be a ‘Debbie Downer’, but you actually have very little control over the size of your family.

Ask anyone who has struggled with infertility or adoption.

Also, you have precious little control over their God given talents and temperaments, although of the children you receive you may need to stretch yourself to lead and guide them as they grow up and through the different stages of childhood. God granted me a very crabby toddler who became an affable child and is now returns as sweet but at times snarky sharpwitted teenager. He also gave me a very attached but strong willed child who probably will want to take over the world the moment she enters adulthood. I have no idea why, but he gave me those kids and not one like myself which might have made it easier for me to understand and raise them. No, I’ve had to grow and change.

I’ve had to accept that I limited my family size by default. I put off having children just long enough that I only have two.

Keep God first in your heart, and understand that children are a Blessing.

Agreed - and Egretps - thank you. Dealing with a child of mine who is literally making me pull my hair out right now and needed the reminder that for whatever reason God gave THIS particular child to me as a blessing to us both.

Also to OP - it can’t be said enough - the amount of control one has over the number and spacing of children - esp when one hasn’t even started - is extremely limited. No matter what society and science would have one believe.

 

[egretps]

Egretps - thank you. Dealing with a child of mine who is literally making me pull my hair out right now and needed the reminder that for whatever reason God gave THIS particular child to me as a blessing to us both.

God Bless you! Thank you for letting ME know I’m not alone in this either! Maybe we need a parenting board for those of us who struggle some. I’ll pray for you and hope your Guardian Angel points out something that makes you smile today.

 

[DlandFan06]

Sorry for the late response everyone. For some reason, I’m not getting notifications in my e-mail. But to answer everyone generally, the reason why I asked this is because to me personally having more than three children is scary because I don’t know where the money is going to come from to support and provide for them. Furthermore, me having more than three kids would impact my life and the lives of my oldest children - if I have any - in negative ways such as having my potential oldest kids taking care of the younger kids and therefore potentially robbing them of a childhood especially if I have kids close together. Another thing would be that I wouldn’t be able to go on as many vacations as I’d like with a larger family because of costs and such.

So this is just a small reply because I’m writing this under the gun aka I have to go to work but you guys want a more detailed answer, I can provide one later. Also, fyi I’m a dude if guys didn’t know. There’s no reason why guys can’t post in this sub-forum either.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…As I have just learned firsthand the very hard way, children are just something to plan for as they happen.** I’m four months pregnant with the biggest surprise of my life right now,** and I have NO CLUE how couples sit down and decide they’re ready to try for kids. How on earth can you ever be ready to make a whole new person who will be entirely dependent on you for everything for almost two decades? More to the point, how can you decide years in advance how many of these new, dependent people will ultimately be right for you and your spouse?

As scary as an unplanned pregnancy initially was (and I totally fell to pieces for weeks), it seems almost scarier to decide ahead of time to take the plunge. It’s like being pushed out of a plane instead of jumping. The first few seconds are waaaaay worse, but looking back, at least you didn’t have to stand on the edge and make yourself jump out.

Blue Eyed Lady!

((((hugs!))))) and congratulations! I can tell from your post that you’re still adjusting and just getting used to the news, but you will make an amazing mother!

I’m excited for you and your husband! As a co-worker who had quite a few children told me when I announced my first pregnancy, “The world would be much smaller if all children were planned.”

 

[Don_Ruggero]

I just want to say remember children are a GIFT from God! Remember SEX is for propagation of children. So when you and your husband decide you want no more
children you should refrain from sex.

This is not at all correct.

 

[1ke]

Sorry for the late response everyone. For some reason, I’m not getting notifications in my e-mail. But to answer everyone generally, the reason why I asked this is because to me personally having more than three children is scary because I don’t know where the money is going to come from to support and provide for them.

Something you cannot know at all. You cannot predict the future. And there are many things children don’t “need” that advertisers and marketers (and the children themselves) will try to convince you are necessary. It can be as expensive to raise children as you make it.

Furthermore, me having more than three kids would impact my life

Of course it will. Most of this post is “me me me” which is an indicator you may not be ready for marriage at all, let alone children. Because it ceases to be about you when you marry.

and the lives of my oldest children - if I have any - in negative ways such as having my potential oldest kids taking care of the younger kids and therefore potentially robbing them of a childhood especially if I have kids close together.

Well this is only a problem in your mind. You aren’t going to “rob” an older child’s childhood by giving them resonsiblity in the household. That is how you raise reasonsible, capable adults. How much older children assist is something in your control.

Another thing would be that I wouldn’t be able to go on as many vacations as I’d like with a larger family because of costs and such.

I suggest you get some spiritual direction because yes this is a very selfish example. And it isn’t even necessarily true. You are again throwing up barriers that may never happen.

Keep working on discernment. Get a mentor from among the fathers in your parish. Spend time with larger families.

Remember that the size of your family is a continued discernment between both you and your spouse. You don’t have to have it all figured out today.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Something you cannot know at all. You cannot predict the future. And there are many things children don’t “need” that advertisers and marketers (and the children themselves) will try to convince you are necessary. It can be as expensive to raise children as you make it.

Of course it will. Most of this post is “me me me” which is an indicator you may not be ready for marriage at all, let alone children. Because it ceases to be about you when you marry.

Well this is only a problem in your mind. You aren’t going to “rob” an older child’s childhood by giving them responsibility in the household. That is how you raise responsible, capable adults. How much older children assist is something in your control.

I suggest you get some spiritual direction because yes this is a very selfish example. And it isn’t even necessarily true. You are again throwing up barriers that may never happen.

Keep working on discernment. Get a mentor from among the fathers in your parish. Spend time with larger families.

Remember that the size of your family is a continued discernment between both you and your spouse. You don’t have to have it all figured out today.

I had 3 sibs, husband had 1 (over 10 yrs apart), and we are parents of 7. If we would have tried to plan this, to know beforehand this would work out, we wouldn’t have been able to do so. Like a priest once told me, it is impossible to out-do God in generosity. We are not rich, but we have figured out ways to travel (even on planes!). Nevertheless, if welcoming our sweet littlest blessing would have meant that we would have never been able to travel again, so be it! Life on Earth, while important, is but a blink of the eye compared to eternity!
Regarding “robbing childhood”, I had a friend growing up that only had 1 sibling and she had to “mother” that sibling more than my friends of larger families. It can happen in any sized family. I would never want my older kids to “mother” my younger kids, but everyone definitely should have responsibilities in the house, not only to help run the house more smoothly (which actually, getting kids to help often takes more out of me than doing it myself), but, like 1ke mentioned, to help them become capable and responsible adults.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Sorry for the late response everyone. For some reason, I’m not getting notifications in my e-mail. But to answer everyone generally, the reason why I asked this is because to me personally having more than three children is scary because I don’t know where the money is going to come from to support and provide for them. Furthermore, me having more than three kids would impact my life and the lives of my oldest children - if I have any - in negative ways such as having my potential oldest kids taking care of the younger kids and therefore potentially robbing them of a childhood especially if I have kids close together. Another thing would be that I wouldn’t be able to go on as many vacations as I’d like with a larger family because of costs and such.

So this is just a small reply because I’m writing this under the gun aka I have to go to work but you guys want a more detailed answer, I can provide one later. Also, fyi I’m a dude if guys didn’t know. There’s no reason why guys can’t post in this sub-forum either.

I don’t like the idea of dictating to God what your will is as far as children go. Your discernment process lacks involving God. And also a spouse. Agreeing on a set number of children is quite presumptuous. In a marriage discernment involves a daily process between two seperate souls, with seperate wants and desires. All together with the will of God for your life and family.

Not only does this thought process lack the experience of marriage and maturity, but it can be quite insulting even if it isn’t meant to be to those of us with large families.

We are expecting our sixth. My wife works and I stay home. It’s tight. Our kids do not want for much. They play tennis, ski, soccer, basketball etc. we just do things differently than others. They are all best friends with thier siblings. The three older girls share a bedroom and I can’t tell you how much fun that is for thier childhood.
My oldest daughter at 11 is very much a “mommy” first born. She loves to help and would be crushed if I didn’t allow it. My 10 year old daughter couldn’t change a diaper if her life depended on it. Nor should she if she doesn’t want to.
I have relatives in San Fran and I can assure you that it was s a very secular mindset that it involves. I doubt anyone could afford 1 kid in San Fran… but then a lot of the time kids aren’t about what you can afford but rather what you are blessed with.

I can’t imagine telling MY kids they exist because of MY will and MY want, because of MY financial prowess, because I made thier childhood perfect with just the right family size that I decided before they were born!