Different nature of wife and husband in marriage

[iawoveuooo]

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I would be interested in your experience and opinion of the natural different personalities of men and women in marriage or a relationship.
As a basis, I was thinking of the book ‘Men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ book by John Gray Phd. I would like to state at the beginning, that I do not agree with everything stated in this book,especially that the book does not follow the Christian point-of-view, but main ideas seem to be true based on my own experience.
It says that women are like waves in the sea, once up and once down, experiencing very extreme mood changes which is difficult for male partners to bear.

The same way, men behave like rubber bands, once feeling a need for deep emotional and physical intimacy with their wives, then out of a sudden pull away without any specific reason and go to their ‘caves’ to be alone mostly when they deal with extraordinary stress levels or serious problems. Women often take it personally, and even if we know we shouldn’t, it’s difficult to deal with it.

I would be curious if you have any similar experiences in your life and I would be grateful if you were willing to share your ways of coping with these differences or make something positive out of them.

Thank you and God bless you all.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Being a woman I won’t go there having been around blokes for a great deal of my adult life; however believe it is now time for Men to have their say in a Christian way to assist others in their Marriages. The men I have been around (Earth Father, Husband and male relatives and my own Earth Brother found and find it difficult to express their emotions). Therefore, there must be many many other Brothers in Christ around the World who do likewise. Most women I have known during my almost 50 years of life have had no difficulty in expressing their emotions.

Yes, this will be a great book to assist others, if you pray to Jesus and Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus first and foremost through The Holy Rosaries as you are compiling stories and information from your fellow Brothers and Sisters in Christ.

Don’t forget to include many of Jesus’ Scriptures in your Book!

 

[Lasting_faith]

A marriage is always a compromise. That is what we must understand and work with.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I would be interested in your experience and opinion of the natural different personalities of men and women in marriage or a relationship.
As a basis, I was thinking of the book ‘Men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ book by John Gray Phd. I would like to state at the beginning, that I do not agree with everything stated in this book,especially that the book does not follow the Christian point-of-view, but main ideas seem to be true based on my own experience.
It says that women are like waves in the sea, once up and once down, experiencing very extreme mood changes which is difficult for male partners to bear.

The same way, men behave like rubber bands, once feeling a need for deep emotional and physical intimacy with their wives, then out of a sudden pull away without any specific reason and go to their ‘caves’ to be alone mostly when they deal with extraordinary stress levels or serious problems. Women often take it personally, and even if we know we shouldn’t, it’s difficult to deal with it.

I would be curious if you have any similar experiences in your life and I would be grateful if you were willing to share your ways of coping with these differences or make something positive out of them.

Thank you and God bless you all.

I would stick to Catholic books, frankly. The “Men Are From Mars…” books are so 1990’s, and while some of the ideas are helpful, I do resist putting men or women into some kind of system or box, “Oh, you’re just going into your cave,” or, “Oh, you’re just being an emotionally needy woman as usual,” etc.

I would not try to base my understanding of all men based on the individual quirks of my husband!

 

[iawoveuooo]

Thank you all for your answers! God bless you.

 

[rayne89]

Aside from the things that are not from a christian perspective I did love that book. Its been years since I read it although I wished I had read it when I was first married. I found most of it to be very true.

 

[Cat]

My husband and I have been happily married for 34 years.

Dr. James Dobson’s books were extremely helpful for us.

I suggest Straight Talk To Men and Their Wives: What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women. Here’s a link: barnesandnoble.com/w/what-wives-wish-their-husbands-knew-about-women-james-c-dobson/1100317396?ean=9780842378963

Some Catholics claim that Dobson’s teachings are anti-Catholic. I don’t agree. I suggest that you read his books and decide for yourself. They certainly helped me and my husband, and continue to help us in our marriage.

One of the differences between men and women is the way they think. Men think in boxes, while women think in lines.

Dr. Dobson describes a typical situation where the wife is fixing a breakfast for her husband (wow, you can tell that he wrote these books back in the 1970s!), and the toast burns a little. Her husband says, “Honey, the toast is a little burned.” Then he puts on his coat, kisses her goodbye, and heads off to work.

And he forgets all about the toast by the time he gets to his car or bus stop.

But his wife remembers his comment about burned toast all day long, and throughout the day, she becomes more and more upset about the possibility that her marriage is crumbling because her husband is losing interest in her or possibly doesn’t even love her anymore because he mentioned the burnt toast.

When her husband walks through the door that evening and says, “I’m home!” , his wife starts sobbing as she throws herself into his arms and cries, “Please don’t leave me! I love you so much!”

And her husband has no clue!

When she reminds him of his comment about burnt toast, he can’t even remember having toast that morning!!

You see, men think in boxes. They go from experience to experience and live in the moment, and move on. They don’t dwell on things. They don’t analyze things. They don’t need to talk everything out and list all the options and pros and cons and disadvantages and advantages and consequences…

Nope, men just make a decision and that’s it.

But women think in lines. They not only remember every action and every comment and look and gesture, but they also attach all kinds of meanings to the actions and comments and gestures (lines branching out) and they analyze motives and make assumptions and extrapolate possibilities…

Some of this has to do with the way men’s and women’s brains differ. Men experience a a physical separation (during their gestation in the womb) between the logical and the emotional parts of their brains, while in women, there is no separation. Some men (especially left-handed men) have an incomplete separation, so they have some of the same thought processes as women. But most men have a totally separate logical side and a totally separate emotional side, and they are capable of thinking with total logic with no emotion, while most women think both logically and emotionally at the same time.

It’s really important for men and women to understand this difference in thought processes between men and women.

That’s the kind of stuff that you’ll read about in Dr. Dobson’s books.

Good for you for asking! You’re a wise person!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Alice Von Hildebrand has a lovely book whose name escapes me. Its a series of letters between her and a young married woman who I believe is her God daughter.

I’ll look bit up and post the title. Both Dietrich and Alice Von Hildebrand have great resources on the topic.

 

[iawoveuooo]

Aside from the things that are not from a christian perspective I did love that book. Its been years since I read it although I wished I had read it when I was first married. I found most of it to be very true.

Yes, I like it also apart from the fact that it’s not Christian, I found very true things in it too,but for me these things doesn’t come naturally at all and I always have to remind myself of them. It is very difficult to deal so many differences and especially when you cannot find the balance.

 

[iawoveuooo]

Thank you so much for the suggestions and explanations! It was really interesting, especially that I have never heard about these books and ideas, so I’m sure they are very helpful for me.
I will definitely try to find the books and read them. Thank you for your compliment, it would be really wise also to apply these things which many times I fail to do so I guess there are still many ways for me to improve.
God bless you and your marriage!

My husband and I have been happily married for 34 years.

Dr. James Dobson’s books were extremely helpful for us.

I suggest Straight Talk To Men and Their Wives: What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women. Here’s a link: barnesandnoble.com/w/what-wives-wish-their-husbands-knew-about-women-james-c-dobson/1100317396?ean=9780842378963

Some Catholics claim that Dobson’s teachings are anti-Catholic. I don’t agree. I suggest that you read his books and decide for yourself. They certainly helped me and my husband, and continue to help us in our marriage.

One of the differences between men and women is the way they think. Men think in boxes, while women think in lines.

Dr. Dobson describes a typical situation where the wife is fixing a breakfast for her husband (wow, you can tell that he wrote these books back in the 1970s!), and the toast burns a little. Her husband says, “Honey, the toast is a little burned.” Then he puts on his coat, kisses her goodbye, and heads off to work.

And he forgets all about the toast by the time he gets to his car or bus stop.

But his wife remembers his comment about burned toast all day long, and throughout the day, she becomes more and more upset about the possibility that her marriage is crumbling because her husband is losing interest in her or possibly doesn’t even love her anymore because he mentioned the burnt toast.

When her husband walks through the door that evening and says, “I’m home!” , his wife starts sobbing as she throws herself into his arms and cries, “Please don’t leave me! I love you so much!”

And her husband has no clue!

When she reminds him of his comment about burnt toast, he can’t even remember having toast that morning!!

You see, men think in boxes. They go from experience to experience and live in the moment, and move on. They don’t dwell on things. They don’t analyze things. They don’t need to talk everything out and list all the options and pros and cons and disadvantages and advantages and consequences…

Nope, men just make a decision and that’s it.

But women think in lines. They not only remember every action and every comment and look and gesture, but they also attach all kinds of meanings to the actions and comments and gestures (lines branching out) and they analyze motives and make assumptions and extrapolate possibilities…

Some of this has to do with the way men’s and women’s brains differ. Men experience a a physical separation (during their gestation in the womb) between the logical and the emotional parts of their brains, while in women, there is no separation. Some men (especially left-handed men) have an incomplete separation, so they have some of the same thought processes as women. But most men have a totally separate logical side and a totally separate emotional side, and they are capable of thinking with total logic with no emotion, while most women think both logically and emotionally at the same time.

It’s really important for men and women to understand this difference in thought processes between men and women.

That’s the kind of stuff that you’ll read about in Dr. Dobson’s books.

Good for you for asking! You’re a wise person!

 

[iawoveuooo]

Alice Von Hildebrand has a lovely book whose name escapes me. Its a series of letters between her and a young married woman who I believe is her God daughter.

I’ll look bit up and post the title. Both Dietrich and Alice Von Hildebrand have great resources on the topic.

Thank you for the suggestions! I haven’t seen these books so I will try to find them and check. I’m waiting for the title you mentioned and God bless you!

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Cat:

One of the differences between men and women is the way they think. Men think in boxes, while women think in lines.

Dr. Dobson describes a typical situation where the wife is fixing a breakfast for her husband (wow, you can tell that he wrote these books back in the 1970s!), and the toast burns a little. Her husband says, “Honey, the toast is a little burned.” Then he puts on his coat, kisses her goodbye, and heads off to work.

And he forgets all about the toast by the time he gets to his car or bus stop.

But his wife remembers his comment about burned toast all day long, and throughout the day, she becomes more and more upset about the possibility that her marriage is crumbling because her husband is losing interest in her or possibly doesn’t even love her anymore because he mentioned the burnt toast.

When her husband walks through the door that evening and says, “I’m home!” , his wife starts sobbing as she throws herself into his arms and cries, “Please don’t leave me! I love you so much!”

And her husband has no clue!

When she reminds him of his comment about burnt toast, he can’t even remember having toast that morning!!

You see, men think in boxes. They go from experience to experience and live in the moment, and move on. They don’t dwell on things. They don’t analyze things. They don’t need to talk everything out and list all the options and pros and cons and disadvantages and advantages and consequences…

Nope, men just make a decision and that’s it.

But women think in lines. They not only remember every action and every comment and look and gesture, but they also attach all kinds of meanings to the actions and comments and gestures (lines branching out) and they analyze motives and make assumptions and extrapolate possibilities…

I (husband) think more “in lines” and my wife thinks more “in boxes.” I’m more of a communicator and a dreamer, she’s more of an actor. I’m more creative, she’s more practical.

So, I get a little confused whenever someone says stuff like that. Is it just about… tendencies or something? Is there something wrong with our biology?

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Thank you for the suggestions! I haven’t seen these books so I will try to find them and check. I’m waiting for the title you mentioned and God bless you!

By love refined, letters to a young bride. Sorry for having you wait, it slipped my mind.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

My husband and I have been happily married for 34 years.

Dr. James Dobson’s books were extremely helpful for us.

I suggest Straight Talk To Men and Their Wives: What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women. Here’s a link: barnesandnoble.com/w/what-wives-wish-their-husbands-knew-about-women-james-c-dobson/1100317396?ean=9780842378963

Some Catholics claim that Dobson’s teachings are anti-Catholic. I don’t agree. I suggest that you read his books and decide for yourself. They certainly helped me and my husband, and continue to help us in our marriage.

One of the differences between men and women is the way they think. Men think in boxes, while women think in lines.

Dr. Dobson describes a typical situation where the wife is fixing a breakfast for her husband (wow, you can tell that he wrote these books back in the 1970s!), and the toast burns a little. Her husband says, “Honey, the toast is a little burned.” Then he puts on his coat, kisses her goodbye, and heads off to work.

And he forgets all about the toast by the time he gets to his car or bus stop.

But his wife remembers his comment about burned toast all day long, and throughout the day, she becomes more and more upset about the possibility that her marriage is crumbling because her husband is losing interest in her or possibly doesn’t even love her anymore because he mentioned the burnt toast.

When her husband walks through the door that evening and says, “I’m home!” , his wife starts sobbing as she throws herself into his arms and cries, “Please don’t leave me! I love you so much!”

And her husband has no clue!

When she reminds him of his comment about burnt toast, he can’t even remember having toast that morning!!

You see, men think in boxes. They go from experience to experience and live in the moment, and move on. They don’t dwell on things. They don’t analyze things. They don’t need to talk everything out and list all the options and pros and cons and disadvantages and advantages and consequences…

Nope, men just make a decision and that’s it.

But women think in lines. They not only remember every action and every comment and look and gesture, but they also attach all kinds of meanings to the actions and comments and gestures (lines branching out) and they analyze motives and make assumptions and extrapolate possibilities…

Some of this has to do with the way men’s and women’s brains differ. Men experience a a physical separation (during their gestation in the womb) between the logical and the emotional parts of their brains, while in women, there is no separation. Some men (especially left-handed men) have an incomplete separation, so they have some of the same thought processes as women. But most men have a totally separate logical side and a totally separate emotional side, and they are capable of thinking with total logic with no emotion, while most women think both logically and emotionally at the same time.

It’s really important for men and women to understand this difference in thought processes between men and women.

That’s the kind of stuff that you’ll read about in Dr. Dobson’s books.

Good for you for asking! You’re a wise person!

What a sad outlook on men and women both.

 

[Cat]

What a sad outlook on men and women both.

Why do you say that?

It is biological fact that the brains of men and women are different, and that the “emotional” and “logical” brains separate in men and not in women. This is standard embryology. Here’s an interesting article that summarizes a lot of the differences between the male and female brain. benthamscience.com/open/toanatj/articles/V002/37TOANATJ.pdf

Of course there are exceptions. There are men who have learned to think more like women, and women who have learned to think more like men. There are differences in the wiring in everyone’s brain. But this “right brain” and “left brain” stuff is fact, not theory.

And Dr. Dobson’s illustration is funny, not sad. I’ve heard him speak and give this illustration, and it’s hilarious the way he tells it. No one in the room looks upset or sad–instead, we’re all laughing at what we know is true!

I recommend that you get the book and read it. I apologize for doing a very poor job of re-telling his story since I’ve given you the impression that it’s a sad outlook on men and women. .

 

[iawoveuooo]

I (husband) think more “in lines” and my wife thinks more “in boxes.” I’m more of a communicator and a dreamer, she’s more of an actor. I’m more creative, she’s more practical.

So, I get a little confused whenever someone says stuff like that. Is it just about… tendencies or something? Is there something wrong with our biology?

I don’t think there is anything wrong, it is not a definite rule I guess, there can be exeptions,and also, many couples are a lot closer to each other, this line to the box, I think, as it is specifically described. Personalities are very much varied, so there are more sensitive and creative men, and also there are stricter/more practical women, I don’t think it’s wrong, just variations of different personalities. I think the point is to complement and understand each other.

 

[iawoveuooo]

By love refined, letters to a young bride. Sorry for having you wait, it slipped my mind.

Thank you and no problem at all. I tend to come here rarely also because I don’t have the time always to check, but I think it’s a very nice forum with very nice and helpful people so I’m glad I’m here whenever I can.

 

[iawoveuooo]

Why do you say that?

It is biological fact that the brains of men and women are different, and that the “emotional” and “logical” brains separate in men and not in women. This is standard embryology. Here’s an interesting article that summarizes a lot of the differences between the male and female brain. benthamscience.com/open/toanatj/articles/V002/37TOANATJ.pdf

Of course there are exceptions. There are men who have learned to think more like women, and women who have learned to think more like men. There are differences in the wiring in everyone’s brain. But this “right brain” and “left brain” stuff is fact, not theory.

And Dr. Dobson’s illustration is funny, not sad. I’ve heard him speak and give this illustration, and it’s hilarious the way he tells it. No one in the room looks upset or sad–instead, we’re all laughing at what we know is true!

I recommend that you get the book and read it. I apologize for doing a very poor job of re-telling his story since I’ve given you the impression that it’s a sad outlook on men and women. .

Thank you for the article, I saved it. It’s interesting when you say that men who learned to think like women or women who learnt to think like men, do you think it partly depends on upbringing? I mean, I had no brothers, do you think if somebody has some brothers or male cousins around while growing up, will they think more like men and understand men more?
I have tried to learn about it, but it goes on for a while what I learnt, and then I go back to the original position again, or in other cases, I learn something, like not being too much sensitive about an issue, and it remains that way. I wish it came naturally, especially that honestly, I prefer the manly way of thinking in most cases, except for liking the sensitivity I have. Sometimes it’s good when I have to be sensitive towards people or animals, and I am grateful for this aspect of personality of mine, but sometimes it’s a huge hindrance when I should take emotionless and logical decisions. I think it was not sad at all, it was funny and interesting for me.

 

[iawoveuooo]

I tried to find a youtube presentation of Dr Dobson’s explanation of what you mentioned, I couldn’t find it, if anyone knows about it, please post it here.

I want to ask something different if you don’t mind. I’m not married yet and I don’t have any children, I have been in a relationship for 3,5 years that is why I’m trying to learn about these differences and how to handle them, especially from a believer’s perspective as we are both believers. One more thing concerns me in advance,and generally because of being a teacher (I have been teaching English for 10 years in a secondary school). I am more and more convinced of my preferance to homeschooling compared to state or even private education. Is any of you homeschooling your children? What is your opinion or experience about it?
Thank you!

 

[Cat]

I tried to find a youtube presentation of Dr Dobson’s explanation of what you mentioned, I couldn’t find it, if anyone knows about it, please post it here.

I want to ask something different if you don’t mind. I’m not married yet and I don’t have any children, I have been in a relationship for 3,5 years that is why I’m trying to learn about these differences and how to handle them, especially from a believer’s perspective as we are both believers. One more thing concerns me in advance,and generally because of being a teacher (I have been teaching English for 10 years in a secondary school). I am more and more convinced of my preferance to homeschooling compared to state or even private education. Is any of you homeschooling your children? What is your opinion or experience about it?
Thank you!

I think homeschooling is a great option, as long as you don’t isolate your children.

I agree with Raymond and Dorothy Moore that children are best “socialized” by being around other adults. It is from adults that children develop a large vocabulary of words (not just grunts and vocalizations), learn how to listen and respond in a conversation, how to be polite, how to say “Please” and “Thank you,” appropriate body language, how to refrain from foul language, angry tones in the voice, retorts, inappropriate responses sarcasm, etc.

But I also think that isolating children away from other children is not a wise plan. In our city, several thousand children and teenagers are home schooled due to our extremely bad public schools. There are several large and flourishing home school co-ops in our city. I suggest that if you home school, you get involved in a home school co-op.

These co-ops make it possible for the home schooled students to participate in team sports and compete for their home school co-ops at the Regional and National levels. A few years ago, one of our local home schooled sports teams (I think it was basketball?) won a National championship. It is important for home schooled children to have the opportunity to be involved with these kinds of sports. First, many home schooled students are athletes, and need to develop their skills. Second, home schooled children should have the same opportunity to earn athletic college scholarships as other students–it’s a shame to see teenagers left out of the scholarship hunt.

Co-ops also make it possible for the teenagers to take advanced-level classes (e.g., advanced calculus, Mandarin Chinese, biochemistry, music theory, robotics, computer programming, etc.) that would be very difficult for most parents to teach to their own children.

Co-ops allow the students to be in a choir, or in a play, although there are many community choirs and theater groups in our city that home schooled children and teenagers dominate.

Finally, co-ops give the children, teenagers, and the parents the opportunity to make friends and have fun with like-minded people.

In our city, at least one of the private schools allows home-schooled teenagers the opportunity to enroll part time so that they can take the AP courses, which can earn college credit for the students if they achieve a certain test score. My older daughter earned 12 credit hours doing AP classes, and she was able to graduate from college a semester early, which saved us around ten thousand dollars, and allowed her to accept a job that opened up in January.

I know a lot of home schooled students, and many of them are excellent musicians. Their home school gives them more hours in the day to practice.

We also see figure skaters who are home schooled, but there is a lot of encouragement from United States Figure Skating for skaters to stay in traditional schools and classrooms. I tend to agree, but if the home schooled student keeps everything in balance (in other words, doesn’t live at the rink and spend all their day skating), I see a lot of benefits to being a home schooled figure skater.