Different nature of wife and husband in marriage

[Baelor]

Why do you say that?

It is biological fact that the brains of men and women are different, and that the “emotional” and “logical” brains separate in men and not in women. This is standard embryology. Here’s an interesting article that summarizes a lot of the differences between the male and female brain. benthamscience.com/open/toanatj/articles/V002/37TOANATJ.pdf

Of course there are exceptions. There are men who have learned to think more like women, and women who have learned to think more like men. There are differences in the wiring in everyone’s brain. But this “right brain” and “left brain” stuff is fact, not theory.

And Dr. Dobson’s illustration is funny, not sad. I’ve heard him speak and give this illustration, and it’s hilarious the way he tells it. No one in the room looks upset or sad–instead, we’re all laughing at what we know is true!

I recommend that you get the book and read it. I apologize for doing a very poor job of re-telling his story since I’ve given you the impression that it’s a sad outlook on men and women. .

The book disturbed me as well. I am always wary of generalizations, but this one in particular bothered me.

I have met more rational/logical men than women, but the disparity is not so overwhelming to just anything more than that statement. “Men X while women Y” would already be too strong a claim. Any sense of fatalism is also misplaced. People have a remarkable ability to change if they want to or the circumstances compel them to.

I have not met any man who thinks in boxes in the manner suggested in your prior post. I also have not met any man who would say “The toast is burned” matter-of-factly.

 

[Cat]

The book disturbed me as well. I am always wary of generalizations, but this one in particular bothered me.

I have met more rational/logical men than women, but the disparity is not so overwhelming to just anything more than that statement. “Men X while women Y” would already be too strong a claim. Any sense of fatalism is also misplaced. People have a remarkable ability to change if they want to or the circumstances compel them to.

I have not met any man who thinks in boxes in the manner suggested in your prior post. I also have not met any man who would say “The toast is burned” matter-of-factly.

I have. I’m 56, and my husband thinks like this, and so do most of the other men that I know. I know a lot of marriages that have split because the spouses don’t understand the differences in how men and women think.

Yes, of course people can learn to behave differently, and that’s the point of Dr. Dobson’s books–to show people how they can learn different behavior patterns. He’s not just writing to flap his mouth.

Yes, men need to learn that they can’t just say, “The toast is burned” matter-of-factly, and then just walk away. And women need to learn that they should take men at face value and not extrapolate dire things from one innocuous comment out of context.

I declare, I honestly wonder if people on CAF who say they’ve read his books have really read his books. Sorry to doubt your word, but I am really irritated by seeing this good man bashed by Catholics who have somehow managed to miss the whole point of what he teaches.

I’ve read certain Catholic family life teachers that I personally think are from Mars or Venus because their teachings are hard to apply to real-life daily life. My husband and I have been happily married for 34 years, and raised two daughters successfully because we followed Dobson’s teachings, and I endorse them highly. If they don’t work for you, that’s fine. When you’ve been married for 34 years, then tell us what worked for you.

 

[marymary1975]

I (husband) think more “in lines” and my wife thinks more “in boxes.” I’m more of a communicator and a dreamer, she’s more of an actor. I’m more creative, she’s more practical.

So, I get a little confused whenever someone says stuff like that. Is it just about… tendencies or something? Is there something wrong with our biology?

What happens here is that while it is true that generally speaking men and women may think differently, and that there are truths in this book, these are all generalizations and just like with any generalization, when you boil it down to individuals you are going to find many individuals that don’t fit into generalizations. I am another case that don’t fit at all on these generalizations.I am way more practical than many men I know and I am not a roller coaster of emotions at all, in fact most men that I know are way more emotional than me so no, there is nothing wrong with tour biology. The problem is that generalizations are not always accurate.

 

[Seatuck]

Some of you may find the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman interesting and helpful. It’s not so much about drawing lines between/around man/woman differences but learning the language(s) of each other so that you can recognize it and respond to it by actions and words.
My endorsement of it is that if we had read( in our case we listened to the audiobook) this book 25 years ago it would have saved a world of trouble and hurt and things could have been very different.

 

[Baelor]

I have. I’m 56, and my husband thinks like this, and so do most of the other men that I know. I know a lot of marriages that have split because the spouses don’t understand the differences in how men and women think.

Those differences are not universal; they are tendencies. The article you posted – which I read – states that. It also avoids using generalizing language. Most importantly, it explicitly states that individual psychological and neurological makeup is more formative than one’s sex.

Yes, men need to learn that they can’t just say, “The toast is burned” matter-of-factly, and then just walk away.

False, because you are asserting an erroneous premise – that men would naturally say that.

And women need to learn that they should take men at face value and not extrapolate dire things from one innocuous comment out of context.

False premise; see above.

I declare, I honestly wonder if people on CAF who say they’ve read his books have really read his books. Sorry to doubt your word, but I am really irritated by seeing this good man bashed by Catholics who have somehow managed to miss the whole point of what he teaches.

I am not bashing him at all. I am confused why you would think that.

 

[marymary1975]

Those differences are not universal; they are tendencies. The article you posted – which I read – states that. It also avoids using generalizing language. Most importantly, it explicitly states that individual psychological and neurological makeup is more formative than one’s sex.

Sometimes I wonder how many of these differences have also to do with the fact of.people not knowing how to talk and.expecting others to read their minds. Saying the toast is burned is a perfect example of someone who is expecting others to read their minds, and not saying what you mean. A lot of people have not learned that if they want something to say expressly I want this or please do that. You can see people saying stuff similar to the toaster statement, both men and women, everywhere, at work, on the streets, when you deal with sales people etc., they are not clear when they talk. Both men and women just don’t know how to.talk, don’t know how to listen, don’t say what they mean and expect others to guess what they want.

 

[MJJean]

I don’t think there is anything wrong, it is not a definite rule I guess, there can be exeptions,and also, many couples are a lot closer to each other, this line to the box, I think, as it is specifically described. Personalities are very much varied, so there are more sensitive and creative men, and also there are stricter/more practical women, I don’t think it’s wrong, just variations of different personalities. I think the point is to complement and understand each other.

I agree if by compliment and understand each other you mean the couple having complimentary personalities and that they make every effort to understand how each others minds work.

I have some traditionally male personality traits and my husband has some traditionally female personality traits. But we balance each other and try to understand each other. That’s why our marriage works.

When we were dating and thinking seriously of marriage I had my doubts because we can be so different! I doubted our ability to have a good marriage because I didn’t think we would be able to ever understand each other and how the other thinks.

My husbands parents have been married for more than 50 years. They do not live near us and I did not meet them together. First his mother came to visit and met me, then weeks later his father came to visit and met me. Meeting his parents made me realize that my husband and I were exactly suited to each other. I, a female, am an awful lot like my husbands father. My husband, even though he is male, is an awful lot like his mother.

 

[MJJean]

Sometimes I wonder how many of these differences have also to do with the fact of.people not knowing how to talk and.expecting others to read their minds. Saying the toast is burned is a perfect example of someone who is expecting others to read their minds, and not saying what you mean. A lot of people have not learned that if they want something to say expressly I want this or please do that. You can see people saying stuff similar to the toaster statement, both men and women, everywhere, at work, on the streets, when you deal with sales people etc., they are not clear when they talk. Both men and women just don’t know how to.talk, don’t know how to listen, don’t say what they mean and expect others to guess what they want.

So true!

My husband once mentioned he didn’t like a meal I cooked and that I particularly like. I decided to not cook that meal again. Of course, I missed that meal as it is one of my favorites. But I want to make my husband happy, so I thought I’d just have to get over it or cook it on nights he wasn’t going to be home for dinner.

Weeks later, my husband asked why I haven’t made X in a while because he misses it. I told him it was because he said he didn’t like X. Then he replied that he loves X, but that the way I made it that day was too seasoned for his tastes. Of course, I asked why he didn’t just say I used too much seasoning! Yeesh! And I have been guilty of doing the same type of thing.

We’ve been married for 10 years and we were a couple for 3 years before that. I couldn’t tell you how many arguments and hurt feelings we could have avoided if we were simply communicating more clearly. Clear communication is something a lot of people aren’t that good at and is an area everyone should work to improve.

 

[marymary1975]

So true!

My husband once mentioned he didn’t like a meal I cooked and that I particularly like. I decided to not cook that meal again. Of course, I missed that meal as it is one of my favorites. But I want to make my husband happy, so I thought I’d just have to get over it or cook it on nights he wasn’t going to be home for dinner.

Weeks later, my husband asked why I haven’t made X in a while because he misses it. I told him it was because he said he didn’t like X. Then he replied that he loves X, but that the way I made it that day was too seasoned for his tastes. Of course, I asked why he didn’t just say I used too much seasoning! Yeesh! And I have been guilty of doing the same type of thing.

We’ve been married for 10 years and we were a couple for 3 years before that. I couldn’t tell you how many arguments and hurt feelings we could have avoided if we were simply communicating more clearly. Clear communication is something a lot of people aren’t that good at and is an area everyone should work to improve.

Yeeees!!! People fail.at clear communication and I think many marital troubles come because they are not clear and because so many people like to cause extra drama I.e. to the question " what is wrong with you? " answering “Nothing” , I mean why can’t we say what is wrong and look for a solution?!?. I used to have a female boss that she would get heavily aggravated because she used to say “get me a picture” and many employees had no idea what she wanted. After a few weeks I learned that “get me a picture” meant that there were documents that needed to be photocopied, but even after several people telling her that new employees can’t understand what get me a picture was, she insisted on it and got aggravated when people didn’t read her mind.

My fiance.always says I am the most practical person and I am easy, but the reason why I am so “easy” is because a long time ago I made a conscious decision of making my best effort at being clear when I speak (maybe out of being frustrated by having to read so many people’s mind…if you want to solve a problem.start by your own self so that is what I did) and I do make an effort to make sure I am clearly stating what I want or don’t want. I can’t say how many possible problems we have avoided by just making the effort at being clear. So I agree we should all make an effort to improve our communication skills, I am sure that would benefit many many marriages.

 

[Topaz1128]

Our marriage counselor suggested the book Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. As you can guess, it takes things a step further. We took one look through it and decided not to buy it since it didn’t follow Catholic teaching on sex very well.

 

[iawoveuooo]

I think homeschooling is a great option, as long as you don’t isolate your children.

I agree with Raymond and Dorothy Moore that children are best “socialized” by being around other adults. It is from adults that children develop a large vocabulary of words (not just grunts and vocalizations), learn how to listen and respond in a conversation, how to be polite, how to say “Please” and “Thank you,” appropriate body language, how to refrain from foul language, angry tones in the voice, retorts, inappropriate responses sarcasm, etc.

But I also think that isolating children away from other children is not a wise plan. In our city, several thousand children and teenagers are home schooled due to our extremely bad public schools. There are several large and flourishing home school co-ops in our city. I suggest that if you home school, you get involved in a home school co-op.

These co-ops make it possible for the home schooled students to participate in team sports and compete for their home school co-ops at the Regional and National levels. A few years ago, one of our local home schooled sports teams (I think it was basketball?) won a National championship. It is important for home schooled children to have the opportunity to be involved with these kinds of sports. First, many home schooled students are athletes, and need to develop their skills. Second, home schooled children should have the same opportunity to earn athletic college scholarships as other students–it’s a shame to see teenagers left out of the scholarship hunt.

Co-ops also make it possible for the teenagers to take advanced-level classes (e.g., advanced calculus, Mandarin Chinese, biochemistry, music theory, robotics, computer programming, etc.) that would be very difficult for most parents to teach to their own children.

Co-ops allow the students to be in a choir, or in a play, although there are many community choirs and theater groups in our city that home schooled children and teenagers dominate.

Finally, co-ops give the children, teenagers, and the parents the opportunity to make friends and have fun with like-minded people.

In our city, at least one of the private schools allows home-schooled teenagers the opportunity to enroll part time so that they can take the AP courses, which can earn college credit for the students if they achieve a certain test score. My older daughter earned 12 credit hours doing AP classes, and she was able to graduate from college a semester early, which saved us around ten thousand dollars, and allowed her to accept a job that opened up in January.

I know a lot of home schooled students, and many of them are excellent musicians. Their home school gives them more hours in the day to practice.

We also see figure skaters who are home schooled, but there is a lot of encouragement from United States Figure Skating for skaters to stay in traditional schools and classrooms. I tend to agree, but if the home schooled student keeps everything in balance (in other words, doesn’t live at the rink and spend all their day skating), I see a lot of benefits to being a home schooled figure skater.

Thank you for your ideas, they are great I think! God bless you.

 

[iawoveuooo]

Some of you may find the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman interesting and helpful. It’s not so much about drawing lines between/around man/woman differences but learning the language(s) of each other so that you can recognize it and respond to it by actions and words.
My endorsement of it is that if we had read( in our case we listened to the audiobook) this book 25 years ago it would have saved a world of trouble and hurt and things could have been very different.

Thank you for mentioning it! I have read about this book on the Internet and I have an ebook format of it, I haven’t read it, so it seems I should. What I have already read about it, has made me realise so much the difference in what me and my fiancé consider as a love message differently. I appreciate quality time spent together, he loves gifts, and if I give or make something to him, he feels loved much more than with just the quality time alone, so I think this book really works for us to understand and not to try to force our love languages on each other. I recommend it very much too, even if I haven’t read it all yet, it already works.God bless you!

 

[iawoveuooo]

Those differences are not universal; they are tendencies. The article you posted – which I read – states that. It also avoids using generalizing language. Most importantly, it explicitly states that individual psychological and neurological makeup is more formative than one’s sex.

False, because you are asserting an erroneous premise – that men would naturally say that.

False premise; see above.

I am not bashing him at all. I am confused why you would think that.

I agree with one thing here. I tried this approach, when I read it, taking my fiancé at face value, what he said, sometimes it’s true that he doesn’t mean more than what he said, but many times it’s not true at all. He is expecting me to understand the message of his feelings hidden in the message just as much as I would expect the same from him. I think this is the exactly perfect approach men should be taught, and to be able to show and express their feelings, just as women should be taught to think rationally when it’s necessary, so pull each other into the right direction.Just my experience and opinion.

 

[iawoveuooo]

Sometimes I wonder how many of these differences have also to do with the fact of.people not knowing how to talk and.expecting others to read their minds. Saying the toast is burned is a perfect example of someone who is expecting others to read their minds, and not saying what you mean. A lot of people have not learned that if they want something to say expressly I want this or please do that. You can see people saying stuff similar to the toaster statement, both men and women, everywhere, at work, on the streets, when you deal with sales people etc., they are not clear when they talk. Both men and women just don’t know how to.talk, don’t know how to listen, don’t say what they mean and expect others to guess what they want.

I think you are right in many things, but one thing I have doubts about, I mean for us it has worked, to try to find out each other’s feelings from the text said or written, I think it is very much needed sometimes, because it keeps mystery and romance in the relationship, at least it does for us. I love to find out what he feels even if he hasn’t said it, and it’s wonderful to know him so much. If he expressed everything bluntly, and if I did it, we wouldn’t have the chance for this kind of romance.

 

[iawoveuooo]

I agree if by compliment and understand each other you mean the couple having complimentary personalities and that they make every effort to understand how each others minds work.

I have some traditionally male personality traits and my husband has some traditionally female personality traits. But we balance each other and try to understand each other. That’s why our marriage works.

When we were dating and thinking seriously of marriage I had my doubts because we can be so different! I doubted our ability to have a good marriage because I didn’t think we would be able to ever understand each other and how the other thinks.

My husbands parents have been married for more than 50 years. They do not live near us and I did not meet them together. First his mother came to visit and met me, then weeks later his father came to visit and met me. Meeting his parents made me realize that my husband and I were exactly suited to each other. I, a female, am an awful lot like my husbands father. My husband, even though he is male, is an awful lot like his mother.

Exactly this is what I meant, thank you for expressing it more clearly, it was amazing to read as I feel we are doing it this way, so hopefully it will work for us too. I’m sure you must have a wonderful marriage with your husband. It’s very interesting what you are saying about your husband’s parents, and I think it might be because of the time spent in childhood with different parents, I’m not sure of this, just guessing. Anyway, I think too that parents play a huge role in understanding how we are. Thank you and God bless you!

 

[iawoveuooo]

So true!

My husband once mentioned he didn’t like a meal I cooked and that I particularly like. I decided to not cook that meal again. Of course, I missed that meal as it is one of my favorites. But I want to make my husband happy, so I thought I’d just have to get over it or cook it on nights he wasn’t going to be home for dinner.

Weeks later, my husband asked why I haven’t made X in a while because he misses it. I told him it was because he said he didn’t like X. Then he replied that he loves X, but that the way I made it that day was too seasoned for his tastes. Of course, I asked why he didn’t just say I used too much seasoning! Yeesh! And I have been guilty of doing the same type of thing.

We’ve been married for 10 years and we were a couple for 3 years before that. I couldn’t tell you how many arguments and hurt feelings we could have avoided if we were simply communicating more clearly. Clear communication is something a lot of people aren’t that good at and is an area everyone should work to improve.

Thank you for sharing this! I have experienced too a million times that we could have avoided most of the things that hurt either of us with clear communication. Sometimes communicating the truth hurts too, but definitely far less than not communicating at all.God bless you.

 

[iawoveuooo]

Our marriage counselor suggested the book Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. As you can guess, it takes things a step further. We took one look through it and decided not to buy it since it didn’t follow Catholic teaching on sex very well.

I have seen this book too and read a bit of it, and I agree I would not recommend it to anyone as it is very secular and I guess it should be very differently in Christian marriages.Was your counsellor Christian? Is it difficult to find Christian counsellors?

 

[iawoveuooo]

Yeeees!!! People fail.at clear communication and I think many marital troubles come because they are not clear and because so many people like to cause extra drama I.e. to the question " what is wrong with you? " answering “Nothing” , I mean why can’t we say what is wrong and look for a solution?!?. I used to have a female boss that she would get heavily aggravated because she used to say “get me a picture” and many employees had no idea what she wanted. After a few weeks I learned that “get me a picture” meant that there were documents that needed to be photocopied, but even after several people telling her that new employees can’t understand what get me a picture was, she insisted on it and got aggravated when people didn’t read her mind.

My fiance.always says I am the most practical person and I am easy, but the reason why I am so “easy” is because a long time ago I made a conscious decision of making my best effort at being clear when I speak (maybe out of being frustrated by having to read so many people’s mind…if you want to solve a problem.start by your own self so that is what I did) and I do make an effort to make sure I am clearly stating what I want or don’t want. I can’t say how many possible problems we have avoided by just making the effort at being clear. So I agree we should all make an effort to improve our communication skills, I am sure that would benefit many many marriages.

I agree with you, in everyday, practical situations, and things that can cause disagreements, we always have to be clear. What I meant before is, in romantic situations, letting the other oerson try to find out what I want and how I feel, that might be beneficial, I was not clear before what situations I meant, so I wanted to clarify here.

 

[Baelor]

I agree with one thing here. I tried this approach, when I read it, taking my fiancé at face value, what he said, sometimes it’s true that he doesn’t mean more than what he said, but many times it’s not true at all. He is expecting me to understand the message of his feelings hidden in the message just as much as I would expect the same from him. I think this is the exactly perfect approach men should be taught, and to be able to show and express their feelings, just as women should be taught to think rationally when it’s necessary, so pull each other into the right direction.Just my experience and opinion.

I do not agree that all men have to be “taught” to communicate in a particular way. I also do not agree that all men communicate in the same way, so some may already naturally communicate in the desired way. I would also disagree that the communication style you mentioned is somehow better than your husband communicating explicitly.

I know plenty of rational women who were not taught to be rational.

 

[iawoveuooo]

I do not agree that all men have to be “taught” to communicate in a particular way. I also do not agree that all men communicate in the same way, so some may already naturally communicate in the desired way. I would also disagree that the communication style you mentioned is somehow better than your husband communicating explicitly.

I know plenty of rational women who were not taught to be rational.

I think you misunderstood, I said before that many men are very similar to the thinking of women and know a lot more about what women think or feel. And also, not everything should be taught, each should keep their uniqueness of personality and we were created different by a reason which must not be eliminated. But we can still learn to communicate lovingly and in a caring way,by understanding each other. It’s better only in romantic situations, I wrote about it a bit before, as it is mysterious and I find it exciting to find out what he feels, but it’s definitely not practical and useful at all in everyday situations.