Difficult family situation--in need of prayers

[SummerSmiles]

I’m in the middle of a very stressful situation with my parents and I could really use some prayers.

A few months ago, my DH and I moved our family in with my parents in order to save some money up to buy a house. We (stupidly) did not put any of our financial agreements with my parents in writing. Now, after living here for months with an agreed upon rent amount, my parents decide that hey are demanding that we also make the payment for half of their property taxes. (It’s equal to about two months’ rent.) In addition, after agreeing to split certain expenses, they have just decided that they will no longer pay for some of these expenses. Not coincidentally, they’ve also just decided to purchase a new luxury car.

My kids are both having increased behavior problems because of the lack of discipline around the house. The kids know exactly where every loophole is, and they don’t hesitate to take advantage of it. Talking with my parents does nothing. They point the finger at me and DH when they don’t hold up their end of the discipline, and then they say that it’s “not fair” that we don’t include them in those decisions. They have no respect for DH; my mom nitpicks on every thing that he does different than she would like. When I stand up for him, she says it’s “not fair” that he doesn’t talk to her himself. Family meetings don’t solve anything–it all ends up being DH’s and my fault in their eyes and nothing changes. When I disagree with their opinions, they both tell me that I’m being rude. They really don’t see me as an adult, and I’m just now realizing it.

To top it all off, I’m in my last month of what has been a very difficult pregnancy. I’m simply not able to keep up with all of their housework, cooking, etc. like I could earlier on. We’re looking for a house, but the market is pretty slim right now. At this point, DH and I know that we need to get out of here and get into a place of our own so that we can set proper boundaries, but we’re really not in a position to move the whole family when I’m due to deliver in just a few weeks. That, and there aren’t really any apartments available right now… renting a house is very expensive. I feel so trapped right now. I feel like I know what I need to do, and I just don’t know how to do it.

 

[dailey]

Sorry you are going through this. We (husband and kids) lived with my parents several years ago when we were building our house, and like you, I was pregnant. Luckily, my parents let us stay for a year, no rent, but boy was there a lot of tension! Its really hard when you are under their roof, which basically means their rules. It sounds like you are pretty much stuck for now (financially). I sure hope you can come to some sort of resolution. Prayers coming your way and try not to stress too much! I know, easier said then done…

 

[monicatholic]

This sounds sooooo stressful. If all this has happened in just a few months, then you probably haven’t had a moment’s peace since you’ve been there.

When will you be financially able to move? Physically able to do a big task postpartum? You and husband try and map the timeline on this.
Then make an agreement:
*you won’t argue his case with your mother. And he won’t expect you to.
*you and he will take the kids in private as much as possible for discipline and correction. And you’ll have as little as possible conversations with your parents about the kids’ behaviors.
Etc
Etc

Basically you’re agreeing that for X amount of time you both keeping your heads down, don’t argue and keep as quiet as possible. In that meantime, offer up all the aggravation and stress for the intention of finding the miracle house and for your parents’ increased patience.

I feel sad that your postpartum weeks could be stressful because of living circumstances.

If X amount of time looks like it’s longer than say, 5 months, you need a better plan.

 

[SummerSmiles]

This sounds sooooo stressful. If all this has happened in just a few months, then you probably haven’t had a moment’s peace since you’ve been there.

When will you be financially able to move? Physically able to do a big task postpartum? You and husband try and map the timeline on this.
Then make an agreement:
*you won’t argue his case with your mother. And he won’t expect you to.
*you and he will take the kids in private as much as possible for discipline and correction. And you’ll have as little as possible conversations with your parents about the kids’ behaviors.
Etc
Etc

Basically you’re agreeing that for X amount of time you both keeping your heads down, don’t argue and keep as quiet as possible. In that meantime, offer up all the aggravation and stress for the intention of finding the miracle house and for your parents’ increased patience.

I feel sad that your postpartum weeks could be stressful because of living circumstances.

If X amount of time looks like it’s longer than say, 5 months, you need a better plan.

This is basicaly where we’ve been for the past month–just keeping our heads down and trying to make nice about the whole situation. We need to get a set amount of time for when we need to get out of here, though. Both of us are nearing our breaking point.

Financially, we have enough money that we could be out on our own again; we just would be putting everything that we’re saving right now into a rent payment instead of into our savings. That’s IF we can find an apartment that has an opening–so far everyone I’ve called has waiting lists that are expected to be a couple of months long at best. If we can find our perfect home before that, it would be great, but we’re not wanting to rush a home purchase at all. This is the main reason I feel stuck–even though we have the money to get out of here, we just can’t find a place to go to.

 

[Arlene]

Are you on those waiting lists? Even if it takes a month or two, at least you know there is an end in sight. And if something else opens up in the meantime, great. But at least getting on the wait lists is a step in the right direction.

 

[1inICXC]

This is precisely why it’s better to live in a rental all your life than live in with the 'rents. That was a very, very poor decision to begin with (your marriage, your chikdren and your family life were not at stake because you didn’t own a house), you compromised something of utmost importance for something comparatively insignificant. I’m glad you decided to get out, that is the only solution.

Living in with the parents brings the worst out of everyone, at least in every single example I’ve seen.

You don’t, by any means, deserve this and I am sorry that your parents are being so insensitive in this situation and they’re causing you so much stress during an already hard time but for all those reading, I hope it is a warning in case they ever consider a similar option.

 

[monicatholic]

It will be sad to “lose” your savings on rent, but it will be a whole lot sadder to lose your family identity because you’re trying to save cash.

18 months ago we were leaving our tornado damaged home of 17 years and looking for a rental too. Every rental community place had long waiting lists. We found a perfect rental home ( we’d buy it if he’d sell it) on Craigslist. I learned to check it twice a day because the best places/ deals were never 2 day postings. The best deals were gone by the end of the day.

But you’re having a baby soon. I pray you have a happy, peaceful birth.

 

[agnes_therese]

Consider this: is waiting for your “perfect house” really worth what you’re going through now? Is it fair to your children and yourselves? Why is a house more important than your emotional well-being?

I would rent for the rest of my life before I’d put my family through this situation.

This is basicaly where we’ve been for the past month–just keeping our heads down and trying to make nice about the whole situation. We need to get a set amount of time for when we need to get out of here, though. Both of us are nearing our breaking point.

Financially, we have enough money that we could be out on our own again; we just would be putting everything that we’re saving right now into a rent payment instead of into our savings. That’s IF we can find an apartment that has an opening–so far everyone I’ve called has waiting lists that are expected to be a couple of months long at best. If we can find our perfect home before that, it would be great, but we’re not wanting to rush a home purchase at all. This is the main reason I feel stuck–even though we have the money to get out of here, we just can’t find a place to go to.

 

[surfinpure]

Consider this: is waiting for your “perfect house” really worth what you’re going through now? Is it fair to your children and yourselves? Why is a house more important than your emotional well-being?

I would rent for the rest of my life before I’d put my family through this situation.

I’m afraid I have to agree with Agnes and Monica: all the money saved is not worth the strain on you, your pregnancy, your husband, and the kids, to say nothing of your future relationship with your parents. I know you’re willing to fork over the cash and move but can’t find a place, which has to be incredibly frustrating.

I believe I’d settle for ANY place in a safe neighborhood before I’d continue fighting it out where you are, but that’s me. You and your husband have to decide what you’re willing to sacrifice.

Praying to St. Joseph, the protector of families, to help you through this difficult time, which ought to be a time of joy. We’ve had to live for short periods with my parents several times, once during pregnancy and twice with a newborn. It was horrible. And I love my parents. Hang in there, sister. :console:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Is there ANYONE else you could move in with, even for a short time? Take just about any housing you can, in order to get control of your family back! You are going to have to work to un-do the damage to your kids. I know that you know all this already, so I will just give you a virtual

:hug1:

And add you to my prayers. I’m sure the whole thing has been a terrible stress on you. Get out as soon as you possibly can!

 

[Bklynguy]

I’m in the middle of a very stressful situation with my parents and I could really use some prayers.

A few months ago, my DH and I moved our family in with my parents in order to save some money up to buy a house. We (stupidly) did not put any of our financial agreements with my parents in writing. Now, after living here for months with an agreed upon rent amount, my parents decide that hey are demanding that we also make the payment for half of their property taxes. (It’s equal to about two months’ rent.) In addition, after agreeing to split certain expenses, they have just decided that they will no longer pay for some of these expenses. Not coincidentally, they’ve also just decided to purchase a new luxury car.

My kids are both having increased behavior problems because of the lack of discipline around the house. The kids know exactly where every loophole is, and they don’t hesitate to take advantage of it. Talking with my parents does nothing. They point the finger at me and DH when they don’t hold up their end of the discipline, and then they say that it’s “not fair” that we don’t include them in those decisions. They have no respect for DH; my mom nitpicks on every thing that he does different than she would like. When I stand up for him, she says it’s “not fair” that he doesn’t talk to her himself. Family meetings don’t solve anything–it all ends up being DH’s and my fault in their eyes and nothing changes. When I disagree with their opinions, they both tell me that I’m being rude. They really don’t see me as an adult, and I’m just now realizing it.

To top it all off, I’m in my last month of what has been a very difficult pregnancy. I’m simply not able to keep up with all of their housework, cooking, etc. like I could earlier on. We’re looking for a house, but the market is pretty slim right now. At this point, DH and I know that we need to get out of here and get into a place of our own so that we can set proper boundaries, but we’re really not in a position to move the whole family when I’m due to deliver in just a few weeks. That, and there aren’t really any apartments available right now… renting a house is very expensive. I feel so trapped right now. I feel like I know what I need to do, and I just don’t know how to do it.

Is saving up to buy a house more important than your marriage and children, especially now that you are about to have another baby? I would strongly consider moving into your own apartment. Best of luck for a safe and healthy delivery.

 

[ryecroft]

This is basicaly where we’ve been for the past month–just keeping our heads down and trying to make nice about the whole situation. We need to get a set amount of time for when we need to get out of here, though. Both of us are nearing our breaking point.

Financially, we have enough money that we could be out on our own again; we just would be putting everything that we’re saving right now into a rent payment instead of into our savings. That’s IF we can find an apartment that has an opening–so far everyone I’ve called has waiting lists that are expected to be a couple of months long at best. If we can find our perfect home before that, it would be great, but we’re not wanting to rush a home purchase at all. This is the main reason I feel stuck–even though we have the money to get out of here, we just can’t find a place to go to.

Just a thought - I bet you’ve tried it though - people pray to St. Joseph all the time to sell a house - I bet He’d help you find a house! I’d get a little statue or card - just a thought
Good Luck!
God Bless
Rye

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

My kids are both having increased behavior problems because of the lack of discipline around the house. The kids know exactly where every loophole is, and they don’t hesitate to take advantage of it. Talking with my parents does nothing. They point the finger at me and DH when they don’t hold up their end of the discipline, and then they say that it’s “not fair” that we don’t include them in those decisions. They have no respect for DH; my mom nitpicks on every thing that he does different than she would like. When I stand up for him, she says it’s “not fair” that he doesn’t talk to her himself. Family meetings don’t solve anything–it all ends up being DH’s and my fault in their eyes and nothing changes. When I disagree with their opinions, they both tell me that I’m being rude. They really don’t see me as an adult, and I’m just now realizing it.

I would stop discussing or arguing with your parents about the discipline situation and even about your dh. Just don’t engage those conversations. You know it doesn’t change their mind, and really what they THINK doesn’t matter. The more you argue, the less you appear to them as an adult who is in control, and the more you come off as the child they used to argue with when you were young. Try to minimize the times that they are actually the ones in charge, and just accept the fact that when they are, the rules will be different. But stand your ground about disciplining your kids in their home - you don’t have to have a discussion, just don’t let them interfere. We don’t live with my parents - but when we visit them, it is harder to discipline the kids, b/c they are uncomfortable with it - they “run interference.” I will use a loud, forceful voice with my father in particular, because I know that he won’t admit to anything in a discussion. So my goal is not for him to understand me, it is just to get him to back off. And to make MY voice the one that my child listens too, and make MY body the one that my child sees, rather than my dad. If he interferes with discipline, I will look directly at him, and say loudly and sternly, “I am disciplining my child. Stay out of it.”

Also in some situations, our own expectations make things harder. We expect that our parents will be additional adult hands, and that they will make reigning in our kids easier. Then we become so exasperated when our helpers aren’t helping us, or making our life any easier. When I view my parents more as child-playmates, and change my expectations, I have less frustration, and more success in getting my kids to pay attention to me as the adult. For example, it is hard for me to get my kids out the door after dinner with my parents. I WISH that my parents would hear me say that it is time to clean up and go, and come in the room and urge the kids to do what I say. But they are more likely to start engaging the kids in deep conversations or other activities. So rather than tell my parents what I want, as though they will help me be in charge, I will get in between my children and my parents, and tell my children to look right at me. Then I will give them the direction that is needed. “It is time to stop playing now. Go over there and ___. Children, you will not play tag. We are walking out the door now, and you must get right in the car. Do you understand?”

Being louder and more forceful than my folks really has helped. It is how I fight for my right to be the parent.

 

[SummerSmiles]

Thanks to all of you who have offered prayers. DH and I started a novena to St. Joseph asking for help finding a place to live. It’s so frustrating having the financial means to move out, and just not finding a place to go to! As soon as an apartment or rental home comes available, we’ll certainly go.

DH and I already know we have boundary issues with my parents; we’re talking about the changes we will have to make once we get our own place. My mom is the type of person who will ask for a spare key to our house and then lay the guilt trip on us when we decline. And then call every day and stop in uninvited and lay on the guilt again when we don’t answer or tell her that it’s not a good time to visit. DH and I are on the same page with things, so hopefully we’ll have a plan for dealing with that once we get there.

 

[mlz]

I’m in the middle of a very stressful situation with my parents and I could really use some prayers.

A few months ago, my DH and I moved our family in with my parents in order to save some money up to buy a house. We (stupidly) did not put any of our financial agreements with my parents in writing. Now, after living here for months with an agreed upon rent amount, my parents decide that hey are demanding that we also make the payment for half of their property taxes. (It’s equal to about two months’ rent.) In addition, after agreeing to split certain expenses, they have just decided that they will no longer pay for some of these expenses. Not coincidentally, they’ve also just decided to purchase a new luxury car.

My kids are both having increased behavior problems because of the lack of discipline around the house. The kids know exactly where every loophole is, and they don’t hesitate to take advantage of it. Talking with my parents does nothing. They point the finger at me and DH when they don’t hold up their end of the discipline, and then they say that it’s “not fair” that we don’t include them in those decisions. They have no respect for DH; my mom nitpicks on every thing that he does different than she would like. When I stand up for him, she says it’s “not fair” that he doesn’t talk to her himself. Family meetings don’t solve anything–it all ends up being DH’s and my fault in their eyes and nothing changes. When I disagree with their opinions, they both tell me that I’m being rude. They really don’t see me as an adult, and I’m just now realizing it.

To top it all off, I’m in my last month of what has been a very difficult pregnancy. I’m simply not able to keep up with all of their housework, cooking, etc. like I could earlier on. We’re looking for a house, but the market is pretty slim right now. At this point, DH and I know that we need to get out of here and get into a place of our own so that we can set proper boundaries, but we’re really not in a position to move the whole family when I’m due to deliver in just a few weeks. That, and there aren’t really any apartments available right now… renting a house is very expensive. I feel so trapped right now. I feel like I know what I need to do, and I just don’t know how to do it.

I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I am a mother who knows that mothers care so much for their children but know also that living in a situation as you are in is very, very difficult. It is so hard for parents to not realize that their children are “adults”. I will pray for you. Know that your parents love you beyond belief, but that this might not always be known to you and shown. I will pray.

My lowe as He most certainly loves you all,
mlz

 

[Ellyakamommy]

I don’t know if this has been addressed yet or not, but also don’t give your parents more money than you previously agreed to.

Money definitely shouldn’t be a central factor in family relationships, but to give them more money only furthers their perception that you are still their child and not their adult child trying to balance your own family life and responsibilities.

 

[ryecroft]

On the thought of money, I would almost make sure to let them know that you’re seriously looking for something, anything to get them out of the house because of the extra money making it almost not worth your staying there (this is a definite out about mentioning the reason you want to move being their effects on the kids) if they’re upping the money for you to stay there I’m wondering how they would feel if they didn’t have your income anymore (you mentioned they’re getting a new luxury car)- am I the only one wondering here that if they’re familiar with your goal to get a house why they don’t just loan you the money if they are doing so well to be able to go get a new car like that (although I’m not sure how you’d feel about accepting if they did) - I know that if my parents saw us in need wanting to get a new house because of our growing family and it was such a situation that we had moved in (even with their 8 rooms), I have no doubt in my mind that they would offer at the very least to lend or give us some money so that we could get a house. Or do they really want you guys able to leave (maybe not consciously but maybe even subconsciously I know I may be reaching but they have you and the grand kids near, they have more money coming in - I’m sorry if I’m sounding mean here, I just wonder…you even mentioned that they come by often whether-or-not a good time or invited). At one point or another (granted not a good time now) but there are going to have to be some ground rules made. Wow, I can’t imagine being in your situation - I feel for you, really. They love you lots I know they just don’t get how they’re making you feel.
God Bless
Rye
p.s. I bet Saint Joseph helps you before you know it…

 

[SummerSmiles]

I don’t know if this has been addressed yet or not, but also don’t give your parents more money than you previously agreed to.

Money definitely shouldn’t be a central factor in family relationships, but to give them more money only furthers their perception that you are still their child and not their adult child trying to balance your own family life and responsibilities.

Well, when they are refusing to buy food, that makes it hard. Last week we put off grocery shopping to try and encourage them to go… DH finally had to go anyways because we literally had an empty fridge.

 

[SummerSmiles]

Rye, I really agree with you. My parents are extremely dependant emotionally on having the kids and me around. They think living together is the best thing that’s ever happened to our family, so I would guess that they’re not too fond of the idea of us moving out.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Rye, I really agree with you. ** My parents are extremely dependant emotionally on having the kids and me around. They think living together is the best thing that’s ever happened to our family**, so I would guess that they’re not too fond of the idea of us moving out.

Summer, if you believe this is their reality, then you need to have a sit down with your folks and ask them why their behavior is making you and your family miserable to the point that you guys are desperate to be out of there. Site specific instances/examples, and try to remain as emotionally neutral as you can.

Sometimes people really are that clueless. It might be the wake up call they need.

Luna