Difficult marriage

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jbenade

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I’ll try and make this succinct as possible.

My husband and I married when we were 21. We are now 52. Married in a Methodist Church, though we were both baptized Catholic. I had no religious formation upbringing whatsoever.

Fast forward, in May of 2011, we were married in The Catholic Church. It was a long journey.

The marriage, itself, has been difficult, painful, arduous. Seven years ago he left me and my 3 children for another woman he met in a chat room. Unbeknownst to me, he took our 401K money out and planned a new life. Went out of state. Came back home. Re-entered (never really got out of) the affair but kept it underground for six more months after living at home. Came back a second time.

Nine months later submitted him to a polygraph. Out comes numerous affairs throughout the then 23 yrs of marriage, one night stands and a huge pornography issues. Yes, I’m stupid. I didn’t suspect a thing.

Counseling, yes. Every kind. Secular, Christian, Sex Addiction types, Recoveries, on MarriageBuilders. You name it. We did it.

My male friend (yes, male) walked me through a lot of this via a telephone. He lives 2000 miles away. He was also my sponsor as he urged me for years to get back to my roots and in the Catholic Church. Said I was more Catholic than him in my ways, etc. as I kept putting up with this, and so much more that I can’t get into here.

So, husband and I are received in the Church. Married in it six months later. I waited, as I wasn’t sure.

Today, I’m just not doing well with it. He is a child-like conflict avoider, Runs away, ignores me, sleeps on the couch whenever he knows I am upset or hurt. Let me tell you, it takes a lot - a lot of time to heal from this - stuff. But he basically “shelves” me. He is indifferent.

And so we are in this horrible pattern now, of hurt, anger, ignore, indifference, apology. And it starts over, and over, and over. And I just don’t - CAN’T do it anymore as I’m ready to walk off a ledge.

I know the rules. I’m married to him “until death do us part.” Fine. I don’t want to divorce him. I don’t EVER want to re-marry or EVER even enter into another relationship. Been there. Done that.

Anyway, I am desperate. I need advice. We are now in “ignore” mode, like ships in the night after he said something very insensitive (according to him, unknowingly) with regard to a previous affair, then pretended to ignore it, and me.

I just can’t - can’t do this anymore.

Please help.
 
I wish I had something to offer you other than my prayers. It sounds as though you have given it everything you can and there are still problems with fidelity. Have your kids grown up and left the house? Have you spoken to your priest? All I can do is pray. I’m so sorry.

😦
 
Thanks for responding RJ, and for your prayers.

I don’t have concrete evidence that he is still being unfaithful. But some of my friends who know more of the situation seem to glean that. I have been so naive over the years that I just don’t know. I do know that he still engages in pornography from time to time as he has admitted to it.

My kids are 24, 22 and 19. And no, none have left yet. They are working and/or in school. My daughter, 19, is the one who really needs me right now. I don’t mean to sound like a martyr, but really, I have put up with all of this for my children, as I grew up in a broken home, and was not going to let that happen to them.

Yes, I’ve spoken to my priest many times. My husband has, as well. He makes sorts of empty promises, but never follows through. Ever. My priest just basically says that marriage is a “compromise.”

The only time my husband went running to the priest was when I went to visit my friend/sponsor last year. I guess he thought I was going to “get even” with him. Made me look like the bad guy with our priest. Unfortunate, as I really like him. I did go to him, tell him, of course, my husband was being paranoid; that if I’d had anything to confess, I would have done so. As a newly-minted Catholic, I take my faith VERY seriously. I love, love The Church.
 
I am so sorry (((hugs))). It is so painful the infidelity you have endured.
Perhaps have a chat with your priest.
I am sorry we must have posted at the same time.So sorry for saying chat with your priest I see that has not been helpful. You could always try another priest perhaps?

I shall keep you in my prayers.
God bless

Eternal God , in whom mercy is endless,
and the treasury of compassion inexhastible ,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us ,
that in difficult moments we might not despair
nor become despondent , but with great confidence ,
submit ourselves to Your Holy Will ,
which is love and mercy itself . Amen

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
But what is “His Holy Will?”

I’m trying to discern this. Is it that I stay on this ridiculous roller coaster until the end of my days? I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying. But I am falling into despair. I have no strength left anymore.

Is this what God wants from me? I ask myself. This is a short life. Do I just “stay in” until the end?

I’m so confused right now.
 
I’m so sorry to read of your troubles. I will pray for you, for your spiritual, emotional, financial, and physical well-being, and for the well-being of your children. And I will pray for wisdom for your husband, that he may see the toll this plays on you, your children, and himself. I have no advice I can give. I pray that God will give you the answers you need and the strength needed to do what must be done.
 
Please know that I care and will pray for your spadeful situation. No one should have to live the way you are living. Please take the time to go over all of this with you priest, I bet he will help you going forward.
Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection,
implored your help or sought your intercession,
was left unaided.
Inspired with this confidence,
I fly to you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother;
to you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful.

O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions,
but in your mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.
 
The best advice I can give, which you may have already heard, is to offer this up to God, and you don’t EVER STOP OFFERING it up to Him. You can be sure He knows what’s going on. You can be sure He hurts for you. Remember how Jesus says “My God, my God, why have You abandoned me?” I’ve heard tell that Jesus wasn’t talking about Himself personally, He was saying the words that all of us have said when we’re in difficult times like this. Everyone who loves God and tries to be nearer to Him cries out these words when we feel abandoned. Just as Jesus died for our sins that we may be forgiven, He even cries out the same cry we do.

Think of this terrible trial as a kind of purgatory on Earth. While I can’t say exactly what His will is, I can say that for all our suffering we go through, offer it up as penance, either for personal transgressions or for those of others, and for the salvation of your family. I also suggest praying the Divine Mercy.

Keep fighting against the Enemy, who attacks you so hard because he knows how powerful redemptive suffering is. How do you fight? Prayer. Ask Heaven to fight the battle while you offer up all you’ve got. Then take a quiet moment, at home, at church, at a park, beach, somewhere, and remember to give thanks because you know Heaven is listening, and you know you’re not abandoned, and you’re loved.
You don’t have to feel those things. Grace given often is not something you feel. When you fall and you don’t want to get back up, but you do, did you FEEL anything, did you hear a little voice in your head that you felt certain was an answer to your prayer for the grace/help to get back up? Usually not. But the fact that you made the decision to get back up and actually did, is that grace you asked for. Don’t stop asking for the grace to get through the day, or even an hour. And don’t forget to give thanks. Even if it’s for the small things, like air in your lungs, another day you’ve lived through, a pretty flower, a cool breeze on a hot day.

May the Lord bless you and guide you always, for every day of your life, one day at a time.

:knight2: :hug1: :signofcross:
 
jbenade said:
I’ll try and make this succinct as possible.

My husband and I married when we were 21. We are now 52. Married in a Methodist Church, though we were both baptized Catholic. I had no religious formation upbringing whatsoever.

Fast forward, in May of 2011, we were married in The Catholic Church. It was a long journey.

The marriage, itself, has been difficult, painful, arduous. Seven years ago he left me and my 3 children for another woman he met in a chat room. Unbeknownst to me, he took our 401K money out and planned a new life. Went out of state. Came back home. Re-entered (never really got out of) the affair but kept it underground for six more months after living at home. Came back a second time.

Nine months later submitted him to a polygraph. Out comes numerous affairs throughout the then 23 yrs of marriage, one night stands and a huge pornography issues. Yes, I’m stupid. I didn’t suspect a thing.

Counseling, yes. Every kind. Secular, Christian, Sex Addiction types, Recoveries, on MarriageBuilders. You name it. We did it.

My male friend (yes, male) walked me through a lot of this via a telephone. He lives 2000 miles away. He was also my sponsor as he urged me for years to get back to my roots and in the Catholic Church. Said I was more Catholic than him in my ways, etc. as I kept putting up with this, and so much more that I can’t get into here.

So, husband and I are received in the Church. Married in it six months later. I waited, as I wasn’t sure.

Today, I’m just not doing well with it. He is a child-like conflict avoider, Runs away, ignores me, sleeps on the couch whenever he knows I am upset or hurt. Let me tell you, it takes a lot - a lot of time to heal from this - stuff. But he basically “shelves” me. He is indifferent.

And so we are in this horrible pattern now, of hurt, anger, ignore, indifference, apology. And it starts over, and over, and over. And I just don’t - CAN’T do it anymore as I’m ready to walk off a ledge.

I know the rules. I’m married to him “until death do us part.” Fine. I don’t want to divorce him. I don’t EVER want to re-marry or EVER even enter into another relationship. Been there. Done that.

Anyway, I am desperate. I need advice. We are now in “ignore” mode, like ships in the night after he said something very insensitive (according to him, unknowingly) with regard to a previous affair, then pretended to ignore it, and me.

I just can’t - can’t do this anymore.

Please help.
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That would be wise as you are one in the eyes of God, but remember not all men are selfish and like your husband is, but it is a shame that it has come to this.
 
jbenade said:
But what is “His Holy Will?”

I’m trying to discern this. Is it that I stay on this ridiculous roller coaster until the end of my days? I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying. But I am falling into despair. I have no strength left anymore.

Is this what God wants from me? I ask myself. This is a short life. Do I just “stay in” until the end?

I’m so confused right now.
Click to expand...
The church does not expect someone to stay in a marriage were one party clearly does not take the marriage vow seriously. Once is one thing, but years of multiple affairs is certainly grounds for an annulment.

The difficulty now is the fact that you and your husband got your marriage blessed 6 months ago. This means, in my opinion, that you have really only been married for those 6 months and the rest doesn’t really count so to speak. Not that it doesn’t hurt, or you have no right to be suspicious or feel the way you do.

If your husband countinues in his old ways that would be evidence that, again, he didn’t mean it when he said “I do”.

So I suggest to wait and see.
 
I’m also so sorry to hear what you’re going through. The advice others have given above is excellent, but I want you to know you’ll be in my prayers as well. It might help for you to pray for God’s will, whatever that may be, and it might not actually be to remain with your husband…or it might. I’ve found that asking (actually, begging) often and hard for the intercession of Our Blessed Mother, St. Monica, and St. Michael the Archangel has helped my marriage a lot, so I highly recommend it to you. But don’t give up asking and praying…an answer WILL come, but God’s time frames are so different than ours. I also keep trying to remember Christ’s scourging at the pillar and the crucifixion and the very important words of His, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do…” While your husband seems to know what he’s done to you and your marriage, he may not actually fully realize deep down how horrible it’s been for you to live through, but prayerfully he will some day.
Peace and God’s love to you.
 
Thanks to all for your kind words and your prayers.

Steve, you’re right. I cannot get an anulment on grounds of what he did previous to having our marriage blessed in the Church a year ago. He has, however, still engaged in pornography which he admitted to.

Last night he got drunk, fell asleep on the couch. I came down to get him and a fight ensued. When I tried to leave the house he blocked the door and pushed me, twice. The second time I almost fell to the floor. I went upstairs. When I came back down I fell. I think my foot is broken but I haven’t been to the doctor yet because it’s snowing like mad here.

Husband went to work this morning. I sent a text saying to stay away for 72 hrs or I would put a restraining order on him; that he is not safe to be around me or the kids. Not to spend money on a hotel because he has put enough financial strain on us already. Sleep in the car if you have to. Cruel, I know.

His response was long and gushy, the usual until he gets what he wants. Then all goes back to normal.

I imagine you all think I’m pretty stupid for putting up with this for so long. But like I said, I love my children and would do anything for them. I just don’t want them from a broken home.

Plus, was always a SAHM. I have worked here and there since, but menial jobs. I don’t even know where to start financially. I do have a Bachelor in English Education. I taught for two years. But that was 26 years ago. I’m really just scared to death, and also very unhealthily attached to this house, which I would have to leave.

As you can probably glean, I do NOT like change. At all.
 
Looks to me like you may not have a choice. Look, your kids aren’t kids anymore. And what type of example are you showing? Not to be mean or anything, but you are showing them an unhealthy relationship. And you can get an annulment for what happened prior to being Catholic. I went through a nasty divorce in 1987, became a Catholic in 1997, and filed for an annulment a year later. It took awhile, but the annulment was granted. It takes two to make a relationship, and you are the only one trying. Good luck, and God bless.
 
Go. Go. Go.
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

You are not in a marriage, and it sounds like you never have been. Since you are willing to be celibate after this, you have no reson to stay.
I think it is not healthy for your children, small or large, to see you treated in this manner. They probably already have a skewed vision of marriage. I think for them and for yourself, you should get out and get happy. Get a goodlawyer. You will not be left without resources.
I did it, you can too.
You are in my prayers.
 
You don’t have to stay in this ‘marriage’, God does not expect us to be tortured like this in the name of our faith. It is your choice to make, and given the circumstances it is not unreasonable for you to decide to leave. This is outright abuse. True, a price would have to be paid. Maybe moving out of your home, getting a job, the uncertainty of tomorrow. I have learned one thing recently: that when I rely on God 100% and genuinely trust Him, things get sorted out. Help is sent my way, opportunities arise. God never leaves us when the times get tough. Just trust him. Make your decisions based on what is right for you and your children, not just based on your fears.
 
Thank you for your support and comments. You’re right. I need to get past my fears, which come from a horrible childhood.

Turns out my foot is broken. It has a temporary stint now, will get a cast put on Friday. Will be on crutches for a month. Not fun.

But he is out of the house for now. And that’s a relief.

Thank you all.
 
jbenade said:
Thanks to all for your kind words and your prayers.

Steve, you’re right. I cannot get an anulment on grounds of what he did previous to having our marriage blessed in the Church a year ago. He has, however, still engaged in pornography which he admitted to.

Last night he got drunk, fell asleep on the couch. I came down to get him and a fight ensued. When I tried to leave the house he blocked the door and pushed me, twice. The second time I almost fell to the floor. I went upstairs. When I came back down I fell. I think my foot is broken but I haven’t been to the doctor yet because it’s snowing like mad here.

Husband went to work this morning. I sent a text saying to stay away for 72 hrs or I would put a restraining order on him; that he is not safe to be around me or the kids. Not to spend money on a hotel because he has put enough financial strain on us already. Sleep in the car if you have to. Cruel, I know.

His response was long and gushy, the usual until he gets what he wants. Then all goes back to normal.

I imagine you all think I’m pretty stupid for putting up with this for so long. But like I said, I love my children and would do anything for them. I just don’t want them from a broken home.

Plus, was always a SAHM. I have worked here and there since, but menial jobs. I don’t even know where to start financially. I do have a Bachelor in English Education. I taught for two years. But that was 26 years ago. I’m really just scared to death, and also very unhealthily attached to this house, which I would have to leave.

As you can probably glean, I do NOT like change. At all.
Click to expand...
I’m sorry to hear about your broken foot now, jbenade, on top of everything else. Will keep you in my prayers for quick healing - physically and otherwise, too. You may wish to join the support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” It deals specifically with the rampant issue of pornography use by husbands or boyfriends hurting so many families and relationships. The group has definitely helped me and my marriage, and it might be beneficial for you as well - or any other women who might be reading this and experiencing distress in their relationships related to that issue.
May Our Lord and His Blessed Mother watch over you always.
 
You need priests counsel but I want to say I agree with those that say this is not a marriage.

If in fact the marraige ends, you will lose your house. I left my “not a marriage” because I had to when my ex cheated and wanted out. And it wasn’t fair, but the other woman made out so much better than me, keeping her house (kicked out her nice husband) and gaining my ex’s income, and I lost my house and my income and had to go back to work (I was SAHM)… and I loved my house! I stripped and painted woodwork, painted and wallpapered the entire house with great care and thought, planted thousands of bulbs, etc. etc. I could go on. That house was so me. But the aftermath of the divorce (as if the divorce itself was not hard enough), was so very hard financially that *I had to trust in Jesus. *

But now I am so grateful for the loss of my beautiful home (which I grieved for so long afterward!)* and *for that financial hardship because I really learned - I can trust in Jesus! I never would have really been able to *know, * like I truly know that now, without that hardship. Knowing that as I do makes me a different person than I was.

God makes all things work together for the good. You must do what you must do as far as wisdom and truth dictates, and trust God as far as the negatives that inevitably come with either choice. Its like throwing yourself into His arms. Just say, “Help me.”
 
Charlotte, thank you. I needed to hear that, especially about your house. I love my house and don’t want to leave it. Mostly fear of the unknown. Where will I go? What will happen to me?

Did you get an anulment?

Based on my story, do you think I could get one. I know that the adultery prior to having our marriage blessed in the Church won’t count. At least I don’t think. But the pushing (physical abuse) and keeping me from leaving my house (false imprisonment) might? I have not pressed charges, but wondering if I should do so for documentation sake.

The kids would hate me for it, having their dad locked up (probably for a few days, I don’t know).
 
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