Difficulty in answering message

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Ipheginia

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My daughter, 40 years old, and bi-polar is married to a Muslim. She and I have a difficult relationship.
Finding that my Grandson was ill, I sent her this message:

*Dear xxxx [daughter],

I just read you were in hospital with xxxx grandson]. What was the problem ?
I would have liked to have been informed. I keep you all in daily prayer and thank God for his recovery. I pray he continues to do well. Give him my love when you speak. Perhaps you would keep me informed ?
I hope you too are well

Love to you all
xxx xxx
Dad*

I received the following reply:

*I didn’t keep you informed because it was a stressful situation and I knew that you would come back with something like that about God and praying.

I will ask you ONE LAST TIME to respect my wishes to not AT ALL talk to me about religion, and then I am afraid that I will have to completely cut contact and block you.

Do not mention prayers, do not mention God.

I hope this is clear.*

**My question is how to reply to this without breaking the tenuous relationship ?

Can anyone please offer guidance ?**
 
:eek: Who on earth talks to their parents that way???

Regardless, this is tough. If you didn’t have a grandson I’d tell you to tell your daughter exactly where she can stick it. But since you want to maintain a relationship with him, it seems your only choice would be to defer to her wishes and not mention god, prayer, or religion.

And I am really, really sorry about this situation. Is her bipolar disorder currently being managed? If she isn’t currently receiving treatment you may want to try to push her towards that.
 
What a terrible situation you are in – I couldn’t possibly know what the right answer is, but I will keep you in my prayers.
 
I don’t know how to answer your actual question but I think that this part of your email wasn’t great:

“What was the problem? I would have liked to have been informed.”

You forgot to ask–Is he OK? Is there anything I can do for you and your family?

Unfortunately, your email was largely about what you expected from her and how she wasn’t living up to your expectations. In the space of a very short email, you took her to task twice for not telling you about your grandson’s situation.

When you communicate with her next time, try harder to think about her temporal needs and not stressing her out.
 
Blue Eyed Lady, thank you for your reply. Yes her condition is subject to medication. This hatred for religion appears to have developed over the past few years. I not only wish to maintain the relationship with my grandson but also with the family despite this behaviour i still love her.

EphelDuath Thank you for your prayers, yes, the situation is very tense, I no longer know how to communicate, its extremely difficult as my communication skills leave a lot to be desired at the best of times.

God bless you both
 
Xantippe

Thank you for your frank reply. You are of course correct. The phraseology could have been better.
I suppose the shock of finding out his condition on a “messaging page” [second-hand , as it were ] instead of direct contact upset me. My grandson is, thank God , apparently fully recovered now and on holiday.
My daughter and her family are, or should be, fully aware that there is nothing I wouldn’t do to help if any were in need.

As mentioned to previous members my communication skills, as you rightly point out, leave a lot to be desired, hence my request for help in dealing with reply.

I would ask you therefore to keep my family and I in your prayers.
 
As a grandparent you should have been informed about your grandchild, but because of her religious and psychological issues there is no longer a “should” or a common ground to be assumed. I am sorry.

I would proceed with her as if I were a more distant relation. I’d express my interest in her and her family, kindly offer help when you wish, but do not presume anything. If she talks about your change of behavior just say, “I’m trying to be useful; not sure how to do it.” She might wangle you around an issue or two; just stay humble and say, “This is new ground for me, I really am trying to be useful here.” Try to avoid showing strong reactions to her behavior; they only feed her false moods. Her issues are very complicated and she has learned how to get what she wants from others but maybe not what she really needs. Pray a lot. Be near. Don’t get too close. Love her intensely from a distance. It is very hard to do but is much more productive, less destructive.

Good luck and God bless you.
 
Ipheginia said:
My daughter, 40 years old, and bi-polar is married to a Muslim. She and I have a difficult relationship.
Finding that my Grandson was ill, I sent her this message:

*Dear xxxx [daughter],

I just read you were in hospital with xxxx grandson]. What was the problem ?
I would have liked to have been informed. I keep you all in daily prayer and thank God for his recovery. I pray he continues to do well. Give him my love when you speak. Perhaps you would keep me informed ?
I hope you too are well

Love to you all
xxx xxx
Dad*

I received the following reply:

*I didn’t keep you informed because it was a stressful situation and I knew that you would come back with something like that about God and praying.

I will ask you ONE LAST TIME to respect my wishes to not AT ALL talk to me about religion, and then I am afraid that I will have to completely cut contact and block you.

Do not mention prayers, do not mention God.

I hope this is clear.*

**My question is how to reply to this without breaking the tenuous relationship ?

Can anyone please offer guidance ?**
Click to expand...
Could her muslim husband be pressuring her with regards to the religion issue?
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Is her bipolar disorder currently being managed? If she isn’t currently receiving treatment you may want to try to push her towards that.
Click to expand...
Except for the last sentence, I do agree with BlueEyedLady whose recommendations and comments are always very good .
May I gently suggest that you don’t try to push her towards anything, including regarding her bi-polar treatment. It may be what she needs but it is no longer your privilege to push this issue, your daughter’s hostility is well-developed and her love for you is not (at this time) sufficient for any suggestions or pressure, however subtle.
It would be my expectation that your daughter’s tolerance is clearly so low that anything that appears like pressure/pushing is probably too much for your relationship.

You can only love and pray.

Unfortunately when our children are adults, our deep desire to help has to be contained to some extent, by helping where our help is asked for and welcomed, but refraining where it is not requested or wanted. It’s very painful.

In some matters, all we can do is love them,
respect their boundaries,
and if we are religious we can offer our hurt and distress united with Jesus’ sacrifice and pray faithfully for them.

I strongly agree with Auntie A’s suggestions.

My prayers for you and your family.

Kind wishes, Trishie
 
Auntie A, Thank you for that very helpful advice. The problem is further complicated by the fact that although married to a Muslim she does not practice the muslim faith, I’m not exactly sure where she is, her last involvement was paganism and may still be :confused:
Please keep us in prayer.
 
What I would do is just not respond to this message, but next time you send her another message refrain from any religious stuff.

I actually had a similar problem with my parents, I STOPPED talking to them about the Faith for years, just played it cool and secular, and just let my EXAMPLE speak to them, and now I am finding I can speak to them about the Faith again.

Whatever you do…DO NOT BREAK CONTACT. Also be careful about what you put in writing, the tone can be misinterpreted. The sentence “I would have liked to have been informed” sounds like “fighting words” to me.

Also, remember that the one who loses their temper loses the argument, so just play it cool and no more religious talk. As the nuns used to say “kill them with kindness”.
 
crystal waters
Her husband although professing the muslim faith is not exactly practising. He is very tolerant and loving towards her.

Trishie,
Thanks for your sound advice and prayers.
 
crystal_waters said:
Could her muslim husband be pressuring her with regards to the religion issue?
Click to expand...
If the husband is a practicing Muslim, not mentioning God at all is not a part of his faith. I doubt this is coming from him. Either he has left his own faith, or he is also avoiding mention of religion or God to avoid exacerbating her condition. Her Doctor may even have told him to avoid all mention of the subject. It does sound like she needs either a change of medication, or additional medication, but I don’t think she would take well to your suggesting such – it would just make her more angry. If her son was hospitalized, this stress undoubtedly intensified her bipolar condition. If she is on medication for her condition, I’m sure she is being regularly monitored, and the Dr. will adjust the meds as needed.

I would just stay in touch, by email, about once a month and keep it lighter. Don’t mention Church, God or prayer. Just ask how she and her family are doing and send her general information on any family members (births, birthdays, holidays/vacations. I wouldn’t mention religion to her, as apparently her bipolar condition has fixated on that. (Mention of any celebrations at Easter or Christmas would also be likely to set her off, so concentrate on holidays like Memorial Day, 4th of July, etc…) Write as you would to a friend, but without any religious references. This “backing off” may cause her to stay in touch with you more, as she’ll feel a little more comfortable, and at least allow you to have some contact with her, and she may give you some general information on how your grandson is doing. In the meantime, pray for her a lot! But don’t tell her you are doing so. God can reach her through your prayers, without her knowing about them. Trust Him to do what is best for her, which is to bring her back to Him, although it may take some years.
 
CathLifeHacker
Thanks again for sound advice. I’ve been trying the "kill them with kindness " approach for the past eight years without too much gain.
Aware of the delicacy of our relationship I sent Christmas gifts and greetings without mentioning religion. In reply my daughter sent me a photo of their Christmas tree topped off with a Crescent with the caption “Sable Musselman” which means Moslem Tree for which I thanked them and responded with “What a nice Christmas tree” I do try to play it cool !
God willing, i will endeavour to maintain contact, but i have not yet replied to the message of which i speak and I find that within the last few hours she has blocked from her messaging service. Please keep us in prayer!
 
judynurse,
Thank you for your exhaustive advice. I see a lot of her condition in what you say. Please pray for us.
 
Ipheginia said:
My daughter, 40 years old, and bi-polar is married to a Muslim. She and I have a difficult relationship.
Finding that my Grandson was ill, I sent her this message:

*Dear xxxx [daughter],

I just read you were in hospital with xxxx grandson]. What was the problem ?
I would have liked to have been informed. I keep you all in daily prayer and thank God for his recovery. I pray he continues to do well. Give him my love when you speak. Perhaps you would keep me informed ?
I hope you too are well

Love to you all
xxx xxx
Dad*

I received the following reply:

*I didn’t keep you informed because it was a stressful situation and I knew that you would come back with something like that about God and praying.

I will ask you ONE LAST TIME to respect my wishes to not AT ALL talk to me about religion, and then I am afraid that I will have to completely cut contact and block you.

Do not mention prayers, do not mention God.

I hope this is clear.*

**My question is how to reply to this without breaking the tenuous relationship ?

Can anyone please offer guidance ?**
Click to expand...
Yes. When you contact your daughter, don’t talk about religion. Otherwise you won’t have a relationship there.

Why is that difficult to grasp? Sounds like she was very clear, probably more than once prior to this.

Work on the relationship first. Don’t be judgmental. Once you have the relationship, then very slowly bring other things in.

You might start with: "I apologize for not respecting your wishes. There are certain things that are personally very important to me, and because you were raised in my home, I’ve grown accustomed to being able to share those things with you openly. I will try hard to not comment or foist my beliefs onto you. Given our long history together, I’d appreciate if you can provide me some leeway while I work to do so, in the event that I slip up. There may be times, that for my own personal reasons, I choose to quietly pray, etc. Please do not take this as an attempt to foist my comments onto you, but rather, simply an attempt to practice my beliefs.

I love you and my grandson. How is he doing?"

I also note that “What was the problem ? I would have liked to have been informed.” can come across quite pointedly in an email. Something like: “I’m sorry that something was wrong. Is he doing better?” and leaving it at that would do better.
 
Agreed but I’d keep it as simple as something like:

"Darling I’m sorry I’ve made you feel pressured. I’ll respect your wishes.
I hope …is feeling better. Love you, Dad

When people are at a high level of stress, few words have more likelihood of defusing thei pressure a little.

The rest she knows. She knows you mean well, but that doesn’t help.
 
Dad don’t be hard on yourself for what’s happened, that maybe you needed to handle things differently and it is all very scary because you fear you could lose your daughter and grandson.
It’s hard to be a parent of adult children.

We learned a special way to be when they lived in our home as children.
All of a sudden it no longer applies in the way we’ve known and implemented during their dependent childhood.

I found that one of the biggest leaps of learning we do in our lives is letting go of our adult children and trusting God.

I think the pain we feel sometimes as parents of grown children is beyond expression when we have to stand by as they make choices that break our hearts because we know they’re spiritually/ humanly harmful for them and their children.

With love and prayers,
Trishie
 
Iphigenia said:

“I suppose the shock of finding out his condition on a “messaging page” [second-hand , as it were ] instead of direct contact upset me.”

These days, people even announce deaths on Facebook.

nytimes.com/2012/10/21/fashion/announcing-a-death-on-social-media.html?_r=0

It’s terrible, but it’s how a lot of people function these days.

I had a family glitch last year where it took 2 or 3 months before I learned that a cousin had gotten engaged because 1) I hadn’t been present at the in-person announcement on a big family trip and 2) I don’t do Facebook. Everybody just forgot to mention it.

“My grandson is, thank God , apparently fully recovered now and on holiday.”

Very good.

“My daughter and her family are, or should be, fully aware that there is nothing I wouldn’t do to help if any were in need.”

It never hurts to say so and to make concrete suggestions. (Meals, groceries, pick-ups for other kids, babysitting, yard work, etc.) A little care package of age-appropriate entertainment for the convalescent might also have been nice.

I had a thing with my own parents a few years back where I held it against them for never saying (when I was going through a rough spot), “Wow, Xantippe, that sounds really rough. Is there anything we can do?”
 
Auntie A said:

“I would proceed with her as if I were a more distant relation. I’d express my interest in her and her family, kindly offer help when you wish, but do not presume anything.”

That sounds very wise and helpful.
 
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