Dilemma about my Dad's remains

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@halogirl I am very sorry for your loss.

I personally would not scatter anyone’s remains, regardless of their wishes. I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to do it. Aside from the Church’s prohibition, I can’t get past the idea that it’s a person. It’s not just a box of random ashes.

If I were you, I would, as respectfully as possible, excuse myself from scattering. The fact that you’re questioning it leads me to believe that it would weigh heavily on you for a long time.

My cousin was cremated about two years ago. There was some mishandling of his remains, from my perspective. I was not present at his funeral/“wake” and in retrospect was glad that I missed it.
 
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Wow something really just occurred to me ! When it was my mums funeral, everyone scattered but me . The remains had ran out by the time it was me. It was all in one area but still everyone scattered some. Maybe it was God gently taking the option away for me. Thank you everyone
 
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When I read your title I thought it meant that you had a dad and a stepdad or something and a dilemma with the two of them remained unsolved 😂
(It was the lack of an apostrophe that threw me off)
 
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He wasn’t catholic. What I think I will do is just not scatter /take any myself
 
This is something, I think, a priest can best answer. We have at least one on CAF, so maybe he will weigh in.

My sincere condolences on the loss of your father. May his soul rest in peace with G-d.
 
First, my condolences for your loss.

As you do not have complete autonomy you cannot simply declare that you are interring his ashes. You can only control your own actions. Based on Catholic moral teaching you cannot scatter the cremains regardless if others will. We are required to respect the sanctity of the body regardless of its present form so we aren’t free to desecrate the body as long as others are fine with it.

Given that, I would simply decline to be present when the ashes are scattered or to accept any split cremains with intent to scatter them. If someone insisted I accept split cremains, I would have them properly interred. The later is based on an idea that if an unmarked grave was disturbed we should gather any of the remains and rebury them as opposed to discarding them in a landfill.
 
I’m not going to decline to be present because it would deeply upset my brother and his wife. There will only be myself, my husband and the two of them there. I will simply decide not to take any cremains away with me and say prayers throughout
 
As they were not Catholic, and you are the only Catholic, the rest of the family is not bound to follow the Church’s laws (that cremains need to be treated with the same respect as a body, not scattered or kept on the mantle).

Ashes do not have to be buried in “holy ground”, Catholic rule is simply buried or interred in a columbarium.

Personal advice, simply inter the cremains. Do not keep them in the house. They can be stolen and disabused (this DOES happen. It happened to our family, we had our car stolen. The thieves had been on a spree of burglaries. When our car was recovered, there was a mysterous box in the trunk, it contained someone’s ashes. There was a tag from the funeral home, the man had died many years ago. Such a nightmare, someone’s loved one was stolen and thrown in a trunk!!)
 
Now id never have them in the house. If it was up to me I’d inter but it isn’t. Church guidance aside, it would seem to me like I wasn’t letting go to have them in the house
 
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That’s wild! I am sure you treated them the ashes correctly though, when you found them.
 
The fundamental principle here is human dignity. Your father is a person. His body is a part of his person, and should not be regarded as anyone else’s property, or an object to be divided, put on display at home, or made into something else (like jewelry). In paragraph 3 of the Church instruction cited above by @Lou2U, this principle is well-expressed in this way:
By burying the bodies of the faithful, the Church … intends to show the great dignity of the human body as an integral part of the human person whose body forms part of their identity.
Click to expand...
This idea comes through in several previous posts:
on_the_hill said:
… it’s a person. It’s not just a box of random ashes.
Click to expand...
Usige said:
We are required to respect the sanctity of the body regardless of its present form…
Click to expand...
Looking for the good, I can see that your brother is doing what he thinks is best to honor your father. You and he disagree on the details, but you both want to respect and honor him, and that is very good.

This I pray: May your father rest in peace in the glorious presence of God, and may you find comfort and peace.
 
We took them to the police as they were evidence in a crime 😱😭 The police was able to locate the family and the family reclaimed their loved one.

I have worked for more than one parish, at one parish the mail carrier came one day with a box. I opened the box, it was cremains. After I made some calls, it seemed someone lost their loved one, lived half a continent away and did plan to inter this loved one in the town where we were, but several weeks down the road. They wanted to save $$ so they simply sent the box in the post office instead of having a funeral home transfer.
 
I just wanted to tell I’m sorry for your loss. I’ll pray for you and your family.
 
Just to show you, what your siblings are planning is respectful. While we see a deeper understanding, they do not so I would simply not worry about it, let yourself remember your dad today. Laugh and cry and remember him.

Have mass said for him. I am praying for you and your family.
 
Thank you 🙂 I’ve put in a mass intention today. On the way out of mass, Father was shaking hands and when it got to me, he took my hand pulled me to one side slightly. I didn’t look particularly sad, and he didn’t know what has happened. He knows I am a recent convert but he doesn’t always pull me to one side. Has only done it a couple times in last year and a bit I was then able to ask for prayers for Dad. When he gets back from retreat he said he will do an intention for Dad. Isn’t that weird though that outta nowhere he did that
 
“God moves in a mysterious way, his wonders to perform.”

(from an old Christian hymn)
 
I know that hymn well as an ex Methodist 🙂 . This priest was the one who heard my first confession, received me into the church and gave me first holy communion so he’s always been special to me.
 
So we met with the funeral director and when my brother brought up me taking some ashes I just said I’ve changed my mind but I don’t mind you taking some.
 
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