DINK couple- do they both have to work full time?

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Lovemyfaith

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My best friend has been working since she was 16- over 25 years. She makes very very good money, and so does her husband. They were unable to have children.

Her company restructured and she has a chance to cut her hours in half. She has told me she would really like to try out that schedule, but her husband is livid. I guess he thinks if he has to work full time, so does she.

It seems to me that running a household, even for two, is a job itself. I think their home life does suffer (housework, errands, etc) because it usually ends up with the two of them trying to get things done and blaming each other that things are left to the last minute.

I really wish I had some magical advice to give to my friend to convince her husband to try out her part time schedule and see if their lives improve.
 
Lovemyfaith said:
I guess he thinks if he has to work full time, so does she.
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Sounds like he has a terrible attitude. If I were married, I’d love to be in a position where my wife could stay home part or full time to deal with all the household headaches that endlessly appear. As long as both were humble about their real goals, God and a loving faithful marriage, these particular working arrangements shouldn’t be source of the argument.
 
Lovemyfaith said:
My best friend has been working since she was 16- over 25 years. She makes very very good money, and so does her husband. They were unable to have children.

Her company restructured and she has a chance to cut her hours in half. She has told me she would really like to try out that schedule, but her husband is livid. I guess he thinks if he has to work full time, so does she.

It seems to me that running a household, even for two, is a job itself. I think their home life does suffer (housework, errands, etc) because it usually ends up with the two of them trying to get things done and blaming each other that things are left to the last minute.

I really wish I had some magical advice to give to my friend to convince her husband to try out her part time schedule and see if their lives improve.
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You are guessing as to the reasons for his objections. This is something that the two of them need to work out on their own, and you really should stay out of it.
 
Lovemyfaith said:
My best friend has been working since she was 16- over 25 years. She makes very very good money, and so does her husband. They were unable to have children.

Her company restructured and she has a chance to cut her hours in half. She has told me she would really like to try out that schedule, but her husband is livid. I guess he thinks if he has to work full time, so does she.

It seems to me that running a household, even for two, is a job itself. I think their home life does suffer (housework, errands, etc) because it usually ends up with the two of them trying to get things done and blaming each other that things are left to the last minute.

I really wish I had some magical advice to give to my friend to convince her husband to try out her part time schedule and see if their lives improve.
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Why don’t they hire a housekeeper?

🤷

I think I’d have a hard time justifying being at home full time without kids. Come to think about it, I’m going to be in that position next fall…oh dear…
 
My FH and I have discussed this a bit. We don’t want kids instantly so we can adjust to life as us. Of course, I’ll be working full time…but I may also be able to do a more altruistic job as he wants to be the one “bringing home the bacon”

They need to work it out for themselves. They need to look at retirement (if she takes a job now can they retire early, together) and other factors. Does she want to do something alturistic that pays $11 an hour? Does she want to voulenteer at the library? Join a knitting for children-with-cancer orginization? Does she want to spend time with the elderly, especally an aging parent? Does she have nieces/nephews that need her?

And I’m sorry. In this modern world without kids there is no reason to be a full-time homemaker without some kind of major voulenteer/social involvement…and even then with the economy the way it is, it’s hard to justify staying out of the workforce if you can get a good number of hours doing a job.
 
purplesunshine said:
And I’m sorry. In this modern world without kids there is no reason to be a full-time homemaker without some kind of major voulenteer/social involvement…and even then with the economy the way it is, it’s hard to justify staying out of the workforce if you can get a good number of hours doing a job.
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This is the reason I asked the question in the first place.

I do appreciate all the warm wishes of people telling me to MYOB though. For the record, how would I know what was going on if my friend didn’t make it a point to discuss this with me? I will tell you what, next time she brings it up (today most likely, she talks about it every day because this is a real struggle for her) I will tell her I was advised by some good people to mind my own business and I will change topic to the weather.

Back to the above quote, is that really true? I happen to be a stay at home mom. My job is keeping my husband’s and kid’s lives organized and stress free. I don’t want to pay someone to clean, garden, organize, drive, babysit, pay the bills, etc. I can do those things myself. My days are very full. One of my challenges is making our family work on one income. We are not in debt but are certainly not rich.

My mother has dementia. She is in a nursing home, but still requires a lot of help. I had to find a facility for her, empty and sell her home, file for benefits and all the other paperwork that goes with her care. I have to visit the facility to check on her care (take it from me even the best places are bad). I am one of eight by the way. Only one sister helps me with all this, the other stay at home mom. The others tell us they have jobs and just can’t help. The others are also struggling with alcoholic/drug addict/bulimic children as well and just have bigger problems than mom. Oh and by the way they talk about us behind our backs for not having “real jobs”.

Even in this modern world and in this economy, I think it may be for the greater good to find a way to prioritize family. It should be a decision couples make together, my husband and I certainly did. My heart just breaks for my friend who just does not have a voice at all in the decision.
 
Lovemyfaith said:
I do appreciate all the warm wishes of people telling me to MYOB though. For the record, how would I know what was going on if my friend didn’t make it a point to discuss this with me? I will tell you what, next time she brings it up (today most likely, she talks about it every day because this is a real struggle for her) I will tell her I was advised by some good people to mind my own business and I will change topic to the weather.
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This is not what anyone meant. Regardless of whether she is the one who brought up the situation, this is a marital issue and not one that you have any business trying to “influence her husband to try out her part time schedule”. I’d be really upset if my husband’s friends were trying to influence me into doing something that was a joint decision between the two of us. It’s not your place. You can empathize if you want, let her talk to you about it, but any speculation about the state of their home life is not appropriate, and inserting yourself into their marriage isn’t helpful.
 
Katie966 said:
This is not what anyone meant. Regardless of whether she is the one who brought up the situation, this is a marital issue and not one that you have any business trying to “influence her husband to try out her part time schedule”. I’d be really upset if my husband’s friends were trying to influence me into doing something that was a joint decision between the two of us. It’s not your place. You can empathize if you want, let her talk to you about it, but any speculation about the state of their home life is not appropriate, and inserting yourself into their marriage isn’t helpful.
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^^This^^

OP, you can certainly commiserate with your friend about this and help her process her feelings, but you’d be ill-advised to become a third party in their marital troubles/disputes. That never ends well. 🙂

Luna
 
Katie966 said:
This is not what anyone meant. Regardless of whether she is the one who brought up the situation, this is a marital issue and not one that you have any business trying to “influence her husband to try out her part time schedule”. I’d be really upset if my husband’s friends were trying to influence me into doing something that was a joint decision between the two of us. It’s not your place. You can empathize if you want, let her talk to you about it, but any speculation about the state of their home life is not appropriate, and inserting yourself into their marriage isn’t helpful.
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Completely agree.
My response to her would probably be, “Well, that’s just something you two are going to have to figure out together!.. whatever works best for you! I’ll keep you guys in my prayers!”
 
Who knows?

Do they have a crushing mortgage? Maxing out their IRA contributions? A mother in a retirement home that they pay for?

If -big if - one can see an RV, a boat, a pair of ATVs, a Harley, and a vacation cabin, you might -might - say no, they just need to simplify, not work themselves to death. But it’s really their fight.
 
Lovemyfaith said:
This is the reason I asked the question in the first place.

I do appreciate all the warm wishes of people telling me to MYOB though. For the record, how would I know what was going on if my friend didn’t make it a point to discuss this with me? I will tell you what, next time she brings it up (today most likely, she talks about it every day because this is a real struggle for her) I will tell her I was advised by some good people to mind my own business and I will change topic to the weather.

Back to the above quote, is that really true? I happen to be a stay at home mom. My job is keeping my husband’s and kid’s lives organized and stress free. I don’t want to pay someone to clean, garden, organize, drive, babysit, pay the bills, etc. I can do those things myself. My days are very full. One of my challenges is making our family work on one income. We are not in debt but are certainly not rich.

My mother has dementia. She is in a nursing home, but still requires a lot of help. I had to find a facility for her, empty and sell her home, file for benefits and all the other paperwork that goes with her care. I have to visit the facility to check on her care (take it from me even the best places are bad). I am one of eight by the way. Only one sister helps me with all this, the other stay at home mom. The others tell us they have jobs and just can’t help. The others are also struggling with alcoholic/drug addict/bulimic children as well and just have bigger problems than mom. Oh and by the way they talk about us behind our backs for not having “real jobs”.

Even in this modern world and in this economy, I think it may be for the greater good to find a way to prioritize family. It should be a decision couples make together, my husband and I certainly did. My heart just breaks for my friend who just does not have a voice at all in the decision.
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But your friend has no children. And she and her husband probably have had an agreement, even if tacit, that both of them will work. My question is, with women demanding the same opportunities as men, all other things being equal, and no kids in the picture, why should the female of the couple feel entitled to work part-time? Why not the man? Men seem to get short shrift no matter what!

I have done the full home operations manager job for almost 21 years now, and I know how demanding it is. My job didn’t stop at 6 p.m., it was round the clock. Because I was not working outside the home, I always got up with the sick kid(s), took total care of them so my husband could get to work. That meant that I was chronically tired most of the time. And yet, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But the job was really 24/7. No kids, no 24/7 job. No one to stay home with, no one to take to doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, sports, etc.

Now, if this friend cares for her parents or his, all bets are off. That’s another situation.

But I agree with everyone else, I would tell her that she has my prayers and that she should talk to her husband and if they can’t work it out, time for a chat with her priest or a counselor.
 
Lovemyfaith said:
This is the reason I asked the question in the first place.

I do appreciate all the warm wishes of people telling me to MYOB though. For the record, how would I know what was going on if my friend didn’t make it a point to discuss this with me? I will tell you what, next time she brings it up (today most likely, she talks about it every day because this is a real struggle for her) I will tell her I was advised by some good people to mind my own business and I will change topic to the weather.

Back to the above quote, is that really true? I happen to be a stay at home mom. My job is keeping my husband’s and kid’s lives organized and stress free. I don’t want to pay someone to clean, garden, organize, drive, babysit, pay the bills, etc. I can do those things myself. My days are very full. One of my challenges is making our family work on one income. We are not in debt but are certainly not rich.

My mother has dementia. She is in a nursing home, but still requires a lot of help. I had to find a facility for her, empty and sell her home, file for benefits and all the other paperwork that goes with her care. I have to visit the facility to check on her care (take it from me even the best places are bad). I am one of eight by the way. Only one sister helps me with all this, the other stay at home mom. The others tell us they have jobs and just can’t help. The others are also struggling with alcoholic/drug addict/bulimic children as well and just have bigger problems than mom. Oh and by the way they talk about us behind our backs for not having “real jobs”.

Even in this modern world and in this economy, I think it may be for the greater good to find a way to prioritize family. It should be a decision couples make together, my husband and I certainly did. My heart just breaks for my friend who just does not have a voice at all in the decision.
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Please READ my writing. Kids are different than just being a woman who stays at home without kids. Without a huge reason it’s just unnecary for the childess or emptynesters to stay at home full-time.

Yes, your friend will vent to you. However, it’s not about changing the topic to the weather. You need to be careful with your friend to not pick sides. Her husband may or may not be being reasonable. He may see a huge morgage, aging parents a horrible economy that’s killed his retirement and now he has a wife who wants to throw in the towel to the work world. He may also be worried that she is doing this becuase she’s defeated or depressed.

Listen to the vent but discourage her from asking you what you think. Becuase even if twin sisters had twin husbands and they lived next door in the same town and the guys had one job and the girls had the other just becuase it was right for one couple wouldn’t mean it’s right for the other. For the sake of their marriage you must remain neutral and encourage her to bring this discussion to her husband or a counceller.
 
Aside from the fact you shouldn’t try to influence a marriage.

I’m curious WHY the husband is livid. He’s mad 'cause their income which they probably live on will take a hit? He’s mad because she can make the same on fewer hours?

What was the agreement? We each contribute this much $$? We each work at what we want regardless of income?

Who runs the household? Who does all the cleaning, laundry, bills? Is this split equally?

Having the chance to downsize hours, is often the chance without knowing to not get downsized 100%.

I went through a period where DH was unemployed and I was the money maker. I was fine with that, except for some crazy reason he seemed to think this was grounds for sitting and watching tv, and doing fun stuff all day. Expecting me to come home to a dirty home, dishes in the sink etc. NOT OK!

Maybe rather than give her suggestions, let her talk it out with you to vent, and get rid of anger. She can then go back to her husband level headed with her own thoughts.
 
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