Director of Youth Ministry "secrecy?"

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Michaela

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I’m bothered that my friend’s daughter was told by the woman in charge of Youth Ministry that she would only discuss what they talk about with the daughter’s mother if the teen girl agreed. She told her,“What happens in the basement stays in the basement!” Is this appropriate? We want our kids to know they can tell us anything. Should this woman be allowed this type of “confidentiality”? What if a teen brought up a serious matter that parents should know about…would it “stay in the basement” (where they meet) if that teen so desired? :confused:
 
the code of ethical conduct which this youth minister signed as part of her training probably specifies that any information received from a minor in the course of ministry which affects the teens safety or that of another person must be reported to the parents, and if warranted to the appropriate child welfare agency.

In general the rules for journaling, and for faith sharing in small group settings, do require confidentiality. One teen for instance should never share what is said in these settings with others, nor should the catechists, except in circumstances give above, nor should they share journal entries, or snoop in another person’s journal. It is essential that the teens understand these rules. But they must also understand that they have an obligation to tell a trusted adult about anything that threatens their safety or that of another person, and that this adult will take appropriate action, and moreover guide the teen on their own course of action.

There is no reason why every casual comment, conversation or musing should be revealed to the parents, and parents should not force confidences from their teen, but they should do everything they can to establish a climate where their teen feels free to come to them with any concern, to ask advice, or to share feelings, doubts, and moral questions.
 
I think that, in order to get the teens to open up and be honest in expressing themselves, there may be a need to secure confidentiality among those who attend. I’d doubt that the intention of this is to keep things secret from parents so much as to enabling a safe feeling to share. If teenagers feel that the others in attendance are going to run out and gossip about something personal which they said, then it is likely that the meetings will be very quiet and unproductive as all use extreme reserve. So it is a matter of building trust between those who participate.
 
puzzleannie said:
… but they should do everything they can to establish a climate where their teen feels free to come to them with any concern, to ask advice, or to share feelings, doubts, and moral questions.
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Which is probably what the youth director is trying to establish,
 
Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut…it does make me feel better. I think what made me pause is that it wasn’t said in a group context but during a one-on-one meeting. It seemed more like what a “counselor” would say, but I really have no experience with this.
 
Actually, speaking from the counseling perspective, under 18 the parents DO have a right to know what is going on. After age 18, the child must sign a ‘release of information’ and specify that the parents ‘may’ be told something, and they can specify how much. Only if there is a legitimate concern that the child is a danger to self or community can any information be shared with authority without a release (and that authority will not usually include the parents, at first).

Also, the director is a ‘mandated reporter’ for any situation which might involve abuse and or danger, as well.
 
Tantum_ergo said:
Actually, speaking from the counseling perspective, under 18 the parents DO have a right to know what is going on. After age 18, the child must sign a ‘release of information’ and specify that the parents ‘may’ be told something, and they can specify how much. Only if there is a legitimate concern that the child is a danger to self or community can any information be shared with authority without a release (and that authority will not usually include the parents, at first).

Also, the director is a ‘mandated reporter’ for any situation which might involve abuse and or danger, as well.
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I was think the same thing.
 
I understand. I really hadn’t thought of any abuse, so much as just what if the teen is"going through" something, even emotionally. I guess it feels different to think about someone else taking on the confidant role with our teens. My friend and I have teen daughters who really talk to us and the comment she gave my friend’s daughter almost gave me a feeling of trying to undermine the parent/child relationship. I’ll try to keep it all in perspective…that’s why I sought advice. Thanks.
 
Michaela said:
I understand. I really hadn’t thought of any abuse, so much as just what if the teen is"going through" something, even emotionally. I guess it feels different to think about someone else taking on the confidant role with our teens. My friend and I have teen daughters who really talk to us and the comment she gave my friend’s daughter almost gave me a feeling of trying to undermine the parent/child relationship. I’ll try to keep it all in perspective…that’s why I sought advice. Thanks.
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I understand the concern. As a parent – I too am uncomfortable with the secrecy aspect. We as parents are foremost responsible for the health and welfare of our minor children and this somehow leaves parents out of the loop.
 
I am a youth minister and a mother of 3 teenagers so I identify with both sides of the issue. Confidentiality is very important to teens. Without it there is no trust or relationship there. But it is hard to get used to our teens trusting someone else more than us as parents. Try to trust the youth minister that he/she is doing the best they can for your child. They are mandated to report any abuse or unsafe situations. Hope this helps.

Vicki
 
Michaela said:
I’m bothered that my friend’s daughter was told by the woman in charge of Youth Ministry that she would only discuss what they talk about with the daughter’s mother if the teen girl agreed. She told her,“What happens in the basement stays in the basement!” Is this appropriate? We want our kids to know they can tell us anything. Should this woman be allowed this type of “confidentiality”? What if a teen brought up a serious matter that parents should know about…would it “stay in the basement” (where they meet) if that teen so desired? :confused:
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Go to the pastor and if necessary the Bishop with this, now, don’t wait!. Or stay as far away from that youth ministry as possible would be my suggestion.
 
The advice to flee, I have to admit, was my gut reaction. I don’t have anything concrete but just a feeling this Youth Minister is more interested in being the teens’ “friend” than teaching church doctrine. My daughter is very strong in her faith, and very prayerful. Still…it is a “vibe” I’m picking up on. This person is extremely popular with the staff and pastor, however, and I don’t think my (name removed by moderator)ut would be at all well received. I am considering keeping my daughter out of it though. Thanks again to everyone. I will pray about it for sure.

“Right is right even when no one is right, and wrong is wrong even when everyone is wrong.” Bishop Fulton Sheen
 
Yes, the youth minister is a “friend” with boundaries… That is how youth ministry works. It starts with relational ministry…getting the teens to church first. Getting a trusting relationship. No, nothing inappropriate, but as a mentor. Y.Ministers should be at the schools, developing appropriate relationships. A youth minister is way more than a catechist. a youth minister is a minister.

A youth minister is not in the same relationship to teens as a parent is, yet not the same as a peer. More like a big bro/sis

The youth minister, hopefully, once getting the teens to church, then teaches the faith. But folks, remember, a lot of teens aren’t even going to church.

A youth minister is also a mandated reporter. They have to report abuse, etc.

If a teen were to come to my office one day (I am now a music director, but used to be a youth minister), to just vent with me about how she and mom have been arguing more, it is not necessary to go off and report to the mom everything she said…that could harm the relationship in their family, as well as the teen with the church. I would encourage the teen to pray and to communicate with the mom more.

I think that so many people here have great families and raise their children well, with good communication, that it might be hard to see that there are so many families that don’t have that…they may need a little help in different ways.
 
If it were me—I’d go with my gut instinct. Many a time it could be–help from above.
 
Michaela said:
I’m bothered that my friend’s daughter was told by the woman in charge of Youth Ministry that she would only discuss what they talk about with the daughter’s mother if the teen girl agreed. She told her,“What happens in the basement stays in the basement!” Is this appropriate? We want our kids to know they can tell us anything. Should this woman be allowed this type of “confidentiality”? What if a teen brought up a serious matter that parents should know about…would it “stay in the basement” (where they meet) if that teen so desired? :confused:
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Was the YM approached by the teen? Or did the YM solicit confidential sharing for no apparent reason?

When I was a YM some teens ached to talk with an adult who would listen and honor their confidences. They approached me – not the other way around. Before sharing, they would usually ask me if I was going to tell anyone. I told them upfront that if I suspected abuse, or that they were going to harm anyone including themselves, I am obligated to break their confidences. Even after saying that, I ultimately had to break confidence twice – once to the parent of a teen who seemed potentially suicidal, and once to CPS about a possible abuse situation. Those two teens never showed any resentment toward me afterwards – I think they were relieved that I had intervened. Most times, teens talked about subjects they didn’t feel comfortable talking to their parents about – usually issues related to friendships, school, faith, or low self-esteem – and some parents refused to listen to them anyway. BTW I did not serve as a counselor – merely as a adult Catholic mentor.
 
The YM approached the teen, asking a lot of questions about her. (the teen is new to the program) They were basically having a “get to know you” one-on-one session. The YM didn’t do anything inappropriate other than what seemed to be a lot of “fishing” for information…then an assurance that what they talk about would be held in confidence. It didn’t seem to fit the situation at all, and made the girl feel awkward…thus telling her mom all about it. If a teen had no one to confide in and sought out the YM I think it would be different.
 
Some people are just (perhaps overly) forward by nature and tend to do such things. I would wonder if, perhaps, this YM is a little inexperienced, also. But it sounds like s/he is just trying to show concern and interest in developing a relationship. It’s also possible that so many kids are concerned about confidentiality (I know I certainly was when a teen) that it is a kind of standard up front statement which is made to assure them that it’s safe to share.
 
Michaela said:
The YM approached the teen, asking a lot of questions about her. (the teen is new to the program) They were basically having a “get to know you” one-on-one session. The YM didn’t do anything inappropriate other than what seemed to be a lot of “fishing” for information…then an assurance that what they talk about would be held in confidence. It didn’t seem to fit the situation at all, and made the girl feel awkward…thus telling her mom all about it. If a teen had no one to confide in and sought out the YM I think it would be different.
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no this does not sound right to me, and I have deep respect for parental gut instincts. If this conversation took place one on one behind closed doors, I would have already reported this YM to the pastor and she would be history. yes, I would hope the YM would get to know new kids in the program, and of course there should be an interview for any sacramental prep, but that usually involves the catechist, parents and sponsor as well. If there is anything confidential that is a matter for confession, that child should be speaking to a priest, and it is never appropriate for a lay minister to try to dig into such matters, except to urge the teen to confess if they are conscious of sin, and to confide in parents whenever they are in trouble. the YM should be one of the “safe adults” a teen can talk to when parents are not available.

that being said, I am also reminded that teens naturally, at least a lot of them, go through a period of time where they are distancing themselves from parents, or for whatever reason feel they cannot talk to parents. Parents to no favors when they force confidences or try to monitor every aspect of the child’s interior life, but they still have to convey that they will be receptive to whatever the teen has to say. Teens in this mode often find other adult confidantes even parents of their friends, or other relatives, who can help in these times. Those confidences should also be respected unless they are about matters that threaten the child’s physical, emotional or spiritual health and safety, or that of another person.

Only after my mother had died, and (I believe in part due to her intercession in heaven) my DD returned to the faith, dropped harmful relationships and turned her life around, did she tell me that during the years she did not communicate with us, she had been in regular contact with my mother through phone calls and letters. I was so relieved to know she had not gone through her own dark time alone. I guess my mom could reach her when I couldn’t. DD also confided in the mother of a close friend (and one of her friends confided in me from time to time). Only once did I have to break confidence, and I told the girl why, and she went with me to talk to her parents. So yes a reliable adult confidante can be a great help to a teen, but they have the right to be able to trust adults in their world who are in a position that invites trust.
 
I truly do not feel good about it. I might take it to the pastor, but as I said before do not believe I will be well received. I went to him before and was put off. The last issue was with the Davinci Code, and I was asking that the YM give the Catholic response to it (Davinci Deception, which I offered the church secretary to give to the YM) They chose not to. My problem with that was that the YM knew one of the teens was reading the Code and I know kids were already talking about it. Anyway, I guess there is more to this and my gut feeling is that the YM is to “liberal” in my Catholic biased opinion. The YM is also not very heavy on the Pro-Life stuff like I would like to see. Sorry if I’ve gone on too long, but I fear this may lead me to have to make a big decision and that is very stressful because this has been my church home for a long time.
 
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