Disappointing first communion experience for whole family

[PaulinVA]

Really? Strong words? From a group of people who just volunteered and organized your daughter’s FHC? I would like to know what you would hope to accomplish with that.

As a volunteer, if I heard strong words from the husband I would be about done. After an event as emotional and difficult to pull off as a FHC with over 100 kids, I would be exhausted. The only words that would keep me going would be kind words of some sort. There would be one less volunteer for his next child’s FHC.

There’s a saying for situations like this one. It’s something like “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”.

I am so sick and tired of this attitude. I’m sorry, I really am.

We are talking about two different places here - the school and the parish. The school, which purports to offer a Catholic education, throws fine after fine, penalty after penalty at a family that is obviously having having trouble with dad deployed meeting all of the volunteer obligations and keeping all the plates spinning. I am shocked that AirForceFamily wasn’t identified early in the year as a family in need of a little Catholic compassion instead of as a problem.

As for the parish - when I refer to the parish, I’m talking about the pastor or the DRE if that person is on staff. They are the ones ultimately responsible. It’s really useless to complain to volunteers. I think the people preparing the First Communion class should have provided help instead of cluck clucking about her “not caring” as a few posters here have surmised. But, the pastor is responsible for that. He’s also responsible for the orderly conduct of Mass and the sacraments.

As I said, the parish and the school could have made a woman’s life much easier this year, but instead made it worse. No different than if she was sending her kids to a secular private school.

 

[HouseArrest]

I am so sick and tired of this attitude. I’m sorry, I really am.

We are talking about two different places here - the school and the parish. The school, which purports to offer a Catholic education, throws fine after fine, penalty after penalty at a family that is obviously having having trouble with dad deployed meeting all of the volunteer obligations and keeping all the plates spinning. I am shocked that AirForceFamily wasn’t identified early in the year as a family in need of a little Catholic compassion instead of as a problem.

As for the parish - when I refer to the parish, I’m talking about the pastor or the DRE if that person is on staff. They are the ones ultimately responsible. It’s really useless to complain to volunteers. I think the people preparing the First Communion class should have provided help instead of cluck clucking about her “not caring” as a few posters here have surmised. But, the pastor is responsible for that. He’s also responsible for the orderly conduct of Mass and the sacraments.

As I said, the parish and the school could have made a woman’s life much easier this year, but instead made it worse. No different than if she was sending her kids to a secular private school.

It’s not an attitude. It is complete, utter inability to offer any more.

 

[maryjk]

It’s not an attitude. It is complete, utter inability to offer any more.

There is only so much of myself to give.

Like everyone else, in addition to my volunteer work, I also have a husband, child and job. I also home school my child. Until my parents died last year, I was also caregiver for them.

Where am I suppose to find more to give?

 

[StarFireKK]

There is only so much of myself to give.

Like everyone else, in addition to my volunteer work, I also have a husband, child and job. I also home school my child. Until my parents died last year, I was also caregiver for them.

Where am I suppose to find more to give?

With all due respect Maryjk almost all the problems the OP suffered from could have been solved if the school had communicated in writing. The school DIDN’T inform the OP of the early release so the teacher had to stay late. The school DIDN’T inform the OP of the procedures about the 1st communion ceremony. Communicating verbally and through the school grapevine is just asking for trouble. I would hardly expect a young mother of five children to be able to remember the details I’m telling her even if she could find a few minutes to pay attention to me. In the age of email…why in the world wouldn’t this be written down???

I think it is absurd for a parish to expect a mother of five young children with a husband serving in the military to attend ANY weekend workshops. Babysitters are very expensive, so is gas, so is time. To make the assumption a parent doesn’t care about their child’s well being because they aren’t willing or can’t drop everything when the school says “Jump!” is presumptuous, uncharitable, and disrespectful.

I don’t see how communicating in writing would be “any more to give.” You write a quick newsletter with all the information you need to communicate to the parents. (You have to have it written down somewhere.) You email or mail the newsletter and in class you tell the parents “You should have all received the information packet that will tell you what is going on. I’m not going to go over that information but feel free to ask me any questions if something isn’t clear.”

Problem solved.

(If you read the OP’s posts this was ALL she wanted. She wasn’t expecting the teachers to come by and have an afternoon tea with her. Just some communication.)

As for the parents being late…this isn’t a new problem. Why doesn’t the school just have a teacher or two stay late (and be paid) and have the kids wash the whiteboards while they wait for their parents? Or make a deal with the high school kids for them to get some extra credit or volunteer hours? Any child still there at 5 (or whatever time)- call the police.

You know school teachers and volunteers aren’t the only ones who have to go “above and beyond” now and then. Most of the rest of us working folks have to do it as well, it is part of having a job.

 

[SamH]

This mystery is solved when there is a conversation between the pastor and the parent, because if nothing else the pastor does care, and cares very deeply, whether every child in his pastoral care receives the sacraments and has the kind of experience that makes a lifelong and frequent communicant when she does.
.

So why hasn’t the OP had that conversation?

 

[SamH]

With all due respect Maryjk almost all the problems the OP suffered from could have been solved if the school had communicated in writing. .

Yet every other parent knew? How could that happen?

 

[maryjk]

I don’t see how communicating in writing would be “any more to give.” You write a quick newsletter with all the information you need to communicate to the parents. (You have to have it written down somewhere.) You email or mail the newsletter and in class you tell the parents “You should have all received the information packet that will tell you what is going on. I’m not going to go over that information but feel free to ask me any questions if something isn’t clear.”

Problem solved.

(If you read the OP’s posts this was ALL she wanted. She wasn’t expecting the teachers to come by and have an afternoon tea with her. Just some communication.)

I’m sorry, but when in my free time am I suppose to do all of this? When do I take the notes I have and put them into a letter? When am I suppose to address the envelopes? (email doesn’t work because many parents don’t check email and some don’t want to give it out.) How do I make sure all of the parents got the letter? You say to announce it in class when the parents are there. You need to remember, the OP was never there.

You are right, all the OP wanted was the information. BUT she had 2 months to get it. She figured someone would take care of getting it to her, even though every other parent got the information the normal way.

 

[Nanny_PK]

I have been following this thread and I have come to the conclusion that there is “blame” enough to go around. Yes, the OP should have made at least one of the meetings – or at the very least call or e-mail the coordinator and ask some very basic questions about the procedure – this was a new parish (if I remember correctly) – so that she would know how things would were to be done and the coordinator could have sent AN e-mail explaining how things were to be done.

I will say that I used to volunteer with children in a Methodist church that I attended (I’m a revert). And it was extremely frustrating for me as a volunteer. Parents would double book their children for the children’s choir (which is what I taught) and any number of other activities. Then they would show up on the day that the children were supposed to sing with children who did not know the music and just stood up at the front of the church being a distraction to all the other children who had been coming to the practices.

The straw that broke the camel’s back for me is one day a child (who happened to be my “nephew” (my best friend’s son) brought a stuffed teddy bear named T-bear that the kingergarten teacher assigned a child each week and they had to document what the child did with T-bear. Well, they were playing with it and being disruptive to the class so after NUMEROUS warnings, I took it away. When my nephew told me “But T-bear has to stay with me,” I said, “Well, he’s going to sit on my podium and watch the class with me because you won’t stop playing with him and disrupting the rest of the class,” I had parents get angry with me. How dare I take away the bear. My best friend did try to defend me saying, “She doesn’t have kids. She doesn’t know the importance of stuffed animal.” How about helping me to instruct your children on the appropriateness of the situation by the parent stepping up and taking the bear away instead of me having to stop what I’m doing with the rest of the children to deal with it – when the parents are standing at the back of the room watching.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m sorry, but when in my free time am I suppose to do all of this? When do I take the notes I have and put them into a letter? When am I suppose to address the envelopes? (email doesn’t work because many parents don’t check email and some don’t want to give it out.) How do I make sure all of the parents got the letter? You say to announce it in class when the parents are there. You need to remember, the OP was never there.

You are right, all the OP wanted was the information. BUT she had 2 months to get it. She figured someone would take care of getting it to her, even though every other parent got the information the normal way.

It is also not as if she just failed to show up, either, though. She also contacted the program, told them she would not be there, and they indicated they were fine with that. That is how they were to know that they had a particular person who wouldn’t be picking up the information in the normal way. The phone call during which they said they’d be fine with it was the phone call during which they needed to arrange a different way for her to pick up her information packets. It could be as simple as dropping them off with the parish secretary. If that is the arrangement, then yes, it is on the parent to get the information in the way that she arranged to get it.

Now that the OP is a more experienced parent, she will know to arrange this, but let’s face it: a good fraction of parents are doing this for the first time or did it previously in some other parish under some other system. It is to be expected that hand-holding will be needed. If you do not have time to do that, then the pastor needs to make sure you have the administrative help you need to get it done. This is one of his great responsibilities as a pastor, after all. He should be taking great care to see that sufficient resources are made available to have it done well for all of the little ones in his care, lest any have their devotion to the Church dampened by a traumatic experience that could have been avoided.

Honestly, I think the problem is in the OP’s second post: the parish felt a need to have just under 100 first or second grade children make their First Holy Communion at the same Mass. Is that really wise, trying to pull that off and expecting that someone is not going to wind up hysterical and upset? The children might have been spread out over 3-4 regular weekend Masses. If there are only 20 or 25 kids, you can have each one sit on an aisle seat in the first 10-12 rows or so, with their family next to them. The children receive by themselves, come directly back to their seat, then they let everyone else out to receive after they do. There is no need for the kind of circus that the OP described, and serious reasons to avoid that.

 

[HouseArrest]

With all due respect Maryjk almost all the problems the OP suffered from could have been solved if the school had communicated in writing. The school DIDN’T inform the OP of the early release so the teacher had to stay late. The school DIDN’T inform the OP of the procedures about the 1st communion ceremony. Communicating verbally and through the school grapevine is just asking for trouble. I would hardly expect a young mother of five children to be able to remember the details I’m telling her even if she could find a few minutes to pay attention to me. In the age of email…why in the world wouldn’t this be written down???

I think it is absurd for a parish to expect a mother of five young children with a husband serving in the military to attend ANY weekend workshops. Babysitters are very expensive, so is gas, so is time. To make the assumption a parent doesn’t care about their child’s well being because they aren’t willing or can’t drop everything when the school says “Jump!” is presumptuous, uncharitable, and disrespectful.

I don’t see how communicating in writing would be “any more to give.” You write a quick newsletter with all the information you need to communicate to the parents. (You have to have it written down somewhere.) You email or mail the newsletter and in class you tell the parents “You should have all received the information packet that will tell you what is going on. I’m not going to go over that information but feel free to ask me any questions if something isn’t clear.”

Problem solved.

(If you read the OP’s posts this was ALL she wanted. She wasn’t expecting the teachers to come by and have an afternoon tea with her. Just some communication.)

As for the parents being late…this isn’t a new problem. Why doesn’t the school just have a teacher or two stay late (and be paid) and have the kids wash the whiteboards while they wait for their parents? Or make a deal with the high school kids for them to get some extra credit or volunteer hours? Any child still there at 5 (or whatever time)- call the police.

You know school teachers and volunteers aren’t the only ones who have to go “above and beyond” now and then. Most of the rest of us working folks have to do it as well, it is part of having a job.

Here’s a good idea. Why don’t the people who have little notes lying around with the information on them copy them, send them through the backpack to the OP, and have her compose the newsletter, type in the emails, and send the information along? She shouldn’t have any trouble doing that since the main problem for her is getting out of the house, paying a babysitter, etc. That way she also has first hand information AND has a direct line to who the information came from, which is priceless. That way when people call her with questions, she can call the person who knows, and then call the person back with the info. I am guessing after awhile she won’t even need to call because she will eventually know the answers. This could count for the mandatory volunteer hours at the school.

Maybe for the problem with late parents, a parent who is going to school anyway can stay until all parents show up. These hours could be counted as volunteer hours as well.

 

[SamH]

It is also not as if she just failed to show up, either, though. She also contacted the program, told them she would not be there, and they indicated they were fine with that.

Actually it didn’t matter if they were fine with it or not. She told them she wasn’t coming, what are they going to do - drag her there?

 

[StarFireKK]

I’m sorry, but when in my free time am I suppose to do all of this? When do I take the notes I have and put them into a letter? When am I suppose to address the envelopes? (email doesn’t work because many parents don’t check email and some don’t want to give it out.) How do I make sure all of the parents got the letter? You say to announce it in class when the parents are there. You need to remember, the OP was never there.

You are right, all the OP wanted was the information. BUT she had 2 months to get it. She figured someone would take care of getting it to her, even though every other parent got the information the normal way.

I can think of several solutions to the issues you listed off the top of my head. The problem isn’t lack of solutions it the fact everyone is saying “this isn’t my problem.” Which is always a lovely, inspiring attitude.

The OP herself has admit she could’ve done more and it was a mistake to assume they would send home a letter. (I still maintain that was an reasonable assumption)

But the fact you are so unwilling to acknowledge the school might have some blame here- baffles me.

 

[StarFireKK]

Yet every other parent knew? How could that happen?

You actually don’t know that, sir.

For all you know, there were 50 other families and children who were stressed out and upset that very morning.

 

[EasterJoy]

Actually it didn’t matter if they were fine with it or not. She told them she wasn’t coming, what are they going to do - drag her there?

Were I teaching a course that parents had to go to and a parent called saying it was impossible to come, I’d be forced to say: “Well, we have to figure out how to get this information to you somehow, because it is necessary before your child can make her First Holy Communion.” And then you have a talk to find out what your options might be.

I know my parish will never have a system that is going to work simultaneously for nearly 100 families. Neither can the parish put a family off because the parish’s chosen way of doing things truly doesn’t fit what a particular family thinks they can manage. You have to either bend the system or bend the family’s thinking. After all, the child has a right to the sacraments and a need for the sacraments. Added to that, the place the child perceives herself to have in the parish is going to carry over into whether she’ll grow up to practice the faith.

You have your system in place, but you also have to find resources to pick up those who don’t fit your system. There is not an “acceptable level of casualties”, so you can’t just throw your hands up and say it can’t be done without trying.

Mind you, I saw myself in that position as having been the deputy of the pastor. I had a very supportive pastor, and if he had to visit the family himself, he’d have figured out how to get the sacraments to the children in his care. He even told them, during his homily on the day of their First Holy Communions, that they had his permission to pressure their parents to take them to Mass if their family didn’t go to Mass every Sunday, and that he’d help them if they needed it. He was in their corner, because that was his sacred duty, and he would not give himself the excuse that he was too busy to make sure his littlest parishioners were looked after. I would never have felt I could do anything less than he would do.

With my pastor, though, I knew I could tell him and he’d not just roll his eyes and tell me it was my job to deal with it. The buck stopped with him, and he literally had the opinion that he was going to be the one on the hotseat on Judgement Day if these issues were handled badly by the parish. He held his care of souls with that kind of eternal seriousness, not as one who is merely running a youth orchestra or a Little League.

 

[EasterJoy]

You actually don’t know that, sir.

For all you know, there were 50 other families and children who were stressed out and upset that very morning.

It is totally beside the point. The Good Shepherd abandons the ninety-nine and goes in search of the one. That is the attitude of a Catholic pastor, not “it’s a black sheep, you’re going to lose some, if they won’t help themselves, it can’t be helped.”

I’m not saying the OP deserves to have some sense of entitlement about doing her part. Parents have the duty to do their part, to be heroic on their part, and I’m quarrelling with no one about that! I’m saying that when the parish has difficulties with parents or has families with particular needs that their “system” doesn’t handle well, the pastor also has a duty to make and effort to get the parents to take care of the child’s needs, which encompass more than making simple physical reception of the Most Holy Eucharist available. The child has to know that they are part of the Body of Christ, and that his or her experience is significant, too. Even if the parents are lax in their attitude, the parish in not free to be so, because the pastor is not free to be so. The pastor must make sure that the DRE and catechists share that attitude and have the resources at their disposal to make that happen.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

In preparation for First Communion:
–The Church should’ve had a series of short meetings, not workshops, to inform the parents of what they needed to know ahead of time.
–A church should not ban children from an adult meeting. Most parents wouldn’t bring their kids, but a parent who has no other choice, should not be kept from an important meeting because they don’t have a babysitter.
–A church with 100 children receiving the sacrament has access to PLENTY of teenagers, who would be able to provide babysitting for a few short meetings.
–A church that is this large, HAS the resources for the DRE to make a short document that outlines the expectations and basic procedures for the FHC.

The above things are all deficits in the Church’s dealing with the situation.

–The parent should assume, that if she has to miss several workshops, that she is missing A LOT of information.
–The parent should not ever assume that the administrators are going to tell her everything she needs to know. They are mentally geared up to do that at the workshops.
–It is the responsibility of the person missing the workshop, not the person giving it, to find out what they missed. This is true in any classroom or meeting situation. The parent should’ve made a phonecall to the DRE ahead of time, and figured out a way, ahead of time, to get the necessary information. If the church was doing their job, it would be as simple as mailing the aforementioned documents to the parent. The parent should also not be afraid to call whoever knows (DRE, teacher, etc.) and ask specific questions about what she needs to know for the day to run smoothly.

The above things are all things that the parent could’ve done better.

SO what to do? The parent is the one that knows there is a problem. The parent ought to write these things down, with some specific ideas for improvement (such as what I listed above), and bring the list to a meeting with the pastor or DRE. If that is not possible, then send it in letter form. Go into the meeting with the intention of helping to improve a program for future students. It will look better on you if you do it now (showing that you care about the other kids as well), rather than wait until it affects you again. It also will be easier to deal with now. Sometime changing a program like this takes time. If you wait until just before your next child is in the program, it may be too late for them to do anything about it. Give them time.

As for the school:
–The school should have clear and concise written policies.
–Such matters like early pick ups are a matter of safety, not just inconvenience. These should not be hidden in the middle of a manual. They should be highlighted and easy to find.
–At the beginning of a school year, school administrators should use several methods to make sure that all parents are aware of the oddities at their school that wouldn’t be expected - like early pickup.
–The very first early pick up of the year should be expected by the school NOT to run smoothly. It is appropriate to let parents off the hook on the fine the first time.
–After the information has been properly communicated, a fine is appropriate. It is only fair to the people whose lives are impacted by having to stay late unfairly. And it is probably an excellent motivator for parents who would otherwise take advantage.

All but the last, are deficiencies of the school.

The school sounds like a royal pain. It wouldn’t be worth the trouble to me. I’d homeschool (well, I do) or find a school that didn’t demand things out of me that I couldn’t give.

 

[SamH]

You actually don’t know that, sir.

For all you know, there were 50 other families and children who were stressed out and upset that very morning.

And the OP didn’t know?

 

[SamH]

Were I teaching a course…

Have you taught a course?

 

[EasterJoy]

Have you taught a course?

Yes, I was on the team that prepared kids for their First Holy Communion in our parish for several years. That, and I’ve taught courses to adults at the college level, including as the head instructor.

It is my belief that when the last 5% are not looked after, it is almost always because the staff are overwhelmed or burned out, or someone did not have the experience to see where problems could occur. That can include the pastor. Very few in education, let alone sacramental preparation, like the idea of losing anyone in the shuffle, but especially not a young child. It is rarely found tolerable, but sometimes is tolerated anyway because one does not feel one has the resources to do better. I don’t think that is the attitude of anyone here.

Anybody who says, “what was I supposed to do?” seems to me to be someone who was in need of more resources than were provided. If someone like that were merely lazy, after all, they wouldn’t volunteer for this in the first place! No, if you put that much work in, you want it to be the best possible, I think that ought to be assumed. So maybe there is a lack of communication, maybe there is miscommunication or a misunderstanding about what the options are or what problems might reasonably arise under some particular plan or other, but I think lack of desire or the will to work for a better result is the least likely reason.

That doesn’t make the situation right, but it does mean that I think the answer is in recognizing that a problem exists and looking for solutions, not looking for someone to blame. I would hope that as a parent goes up the ladder looking to keep this from being repeated without looking to hang someone up for it, that would be the attitude. Be insistent, but also have the attitude that this wasn’t done out of bad will on anyone’s part.

 

[maryjk]

I can think of several solutions to the issues you listed off the top of my head. The problem isn’t lack of solutions it the fact everyone is saying “this isn’t my problem.” Which is always a lovely, inspiring attitude.

Solutions that don’t include me taking time away from my family? Or since I was a volunteer, I should expect that my family suffers because other families demand more of my time?

The OP herself has admit she could’ve done more and it was a mistake to assume they would send home a letter. (I still maintain that was an reasonable assumption)

I have read through all of her posts. Maybe I missed it. but all I saw was blame being placed.

But the fact you are so unwilling to acknowledge the school might have some blame here- baffles me.

Oh, the school has some problems. BUT those problems could have been and should have been addressed when the OP was told that even a nursing newborn couldn’t come to the Saturday meeting/workshop.

Every time there was a problem, she did nothing. Gee, one would think that after missing every single meeting and workshop, she might have thought it was a problem and said something to someone.