Disappointing first communion experience for whole family

[EasterJoy]

Solutions that don’t include me taking time away from my family? Or since I was a volunteer, I should expect that my family suffers because other families demand more of my time? I have read through all of her posts. Maybe I missed it. but all I saw was blame being placed.

Oh, the school has some problems. BUT those problems could have been and should have been addressed when the OP was told that even a nursing newborn couldn’t come to the Saturday meeting/workshop.

Every time there was a problem, she did nothing. Gee, one would think that after missing every single meeting and workshop, she might have thought it was a problem and said something to someone.

Yes, if the work you’re doing already puts a strain on your duties with your family, I think you need some help if a solution is going to be found. A parent can be overwhelmed and unable to do more, and that does not mean the same is not true of the teacher. It goes both ways. It is possible to have a problem without being able to point to one person and say: You! You are to blame. You ought to have prevented this! Even when there is, placing the blame and finding the solution are two separate things.

They realize this in air transportation these days. They do everything they can to make sure they choose pilots who will rarely make an error. Even so, they know that errors will occur. For that reason, junior officers have to have a protocol to raise questions with the pilot, to double-check what the pilot is doing. The engineers need to review how the plane is laid out, so that the pilot will be less likely to make errors. The schedulers need to pay attention to how the pilots are scheduled, so that the chances of errors are diminished. The passengers need to know what to do if there is an error or malfunction in spite of everyone’s best efforts. When failure is not an options, everyone has a part to play.

The OP is inexperienced concerning what she needed to look out for. She did not realize there might be information she needed to advocate to get for herself; rather, she thought she was losing out on information that was valuable but that she and her family were going to have to do without and could do without. After all, something can be extremely useful and worthwhile without being something someone absolutely cannot muddle along without.

It is entirely possible that the people she talked to are also inexperienced. The person who talked to her may not have realized the consequences of excusing the parent from the classes. Sometimes, the left hand does not know what the right hand is doing.

I think it is not most charitable to say nothing, but to look into whether or not this can be prevented from happening again. Yes, the OP needs to let go of water under the bridge, this is not the end of the world, but it is worth giving some feedback and looking for ways to be part of the solution. That may be a few years from now, but the day will come when the OP can use her experience to contribute to making other days go better than the one she is upset about, too.

 

[SamH]

It is my belief that when the last 5% are not looked after, it is almost always because the staff are overwhelmed or burned out, or someone did not have the experience to see where problems could occur. That can include the pastor. Very few in education, let alone sacramental preparation, like the idea of losing anyone in the shuffle, but especially not a young child. It is rarely found tolerable, but sometimes is tolerated anyway because one does not feel one has the resources to do better. I don’t think that is the attitude of anyone here.

So in this case when you have a parent that is not willing to put forth any effort towards the child’s spiritual education what would you do? According to her, just attending the mass was a major undertaking that she could barely manage.

 

[airforcefamily]

So in this case when you have a parent that is not willing to put forth any effort towards the child’s spiritual education what would you do? According to her, just attending the mass was a major undertaking that she could barely manage.

I’m really surprised at some of the mean spirited comments towards me, including this one.

Yes, I fully understand that there were many things I could have done differently but that certainly doesn’t mean I am ‘not willing to put forth any effort towards’ my daughter’s education. I put in a huge effort towards her first communion. Some information was given to me over the phone and in a couple print outs that came home in her backpack. I never called (inconvenienced) the volunteers asking if they were sure they had given me all the information. Every first communion I have ever been to has been run more or less the exact same way, I didn’t have a reason to think this one might be radically different. We all live and learn.

 

[airforcefamily]

All very true. And true that the OP’s school. She didn’t pay the fine.
It is very possible that the teachers figured that the OP just didn’t care. I know she did, she is here telling us that she cares.

But how are her actions any different from a parent that couldn’t care less.

I can imagine the conversation between the teacher and the DRE or pastor.

DRE: What do you mean she hasn’t come to any of the classes/meetings?

Teacher: She says she can’t get a babysitter.

DRE: For two months???

Teacher: Yep.

DRE: So, you mean she doesn’t think it is important?

Teacher:

I’m borderline stunned two educators would have a conversion like that. I wonder if teachers always assume the worst in parents?

Ok, let’s say I scrounged up what I could find in the cupboards and freezer to eat and was able to save $75 off my grocery bill one week to pay a babysitter for the three middle kids. It wouldn’t matter because babies (even tiny nursing newborns like I had) were not, under any circumstances, allowed. I’ve tried many, many times with half a dozen different bottles to get her to take one but she refuses.

Then what? Let the baby starve for five hours and either become very uncomfortable myself or pump breastmilk in a public bathroom with children coming in and out? Maybe I should have dealt with selling a few things on craigslist so I could come up with another $20-30 to get a second babysitter to come and sit in the car with the baby in the parking lot? The church isn’t exactly in the best of neighborhoods.

Alright, let’s assume I’ve come up with $100+ for babysitters and managed to find two at the same time, one of whom’s parents will allow her to sit in a car alone with a newborn in a high crime area for the entire time. Now I’ll have to be constantly texting her to make sure everything is ok. At least once or twice I’ll have to bring my older daughter out of the class (kids were not allowed to stay unless a parent was there the entire time) to sit in the car while I nurse the baby, assuming she’s willing to nurse while stressed and cranky from all this.

Don’t forget that I’ll have to add in the cost of gas for the car to spend four hours idling since the deep south is hot and humid, even in the spring. Vans use a lot of gas and our big family won’t fit in a compact.

It’s not that I don’t think it’s important, anything but.

 

[jmcrae]

I’m borderline stunned two educators would have a conversion like that. I wonder if teachers always assume the worst in parents?

I think the point is to not let them assume anything - instead of letting them make assumptions about you, communicate with them.

When you pick up your child from the class, stop and ask the teacher what they learned that day, and make sure to collect any handouts that were given. (Seven year olds are not known for being detail oriented; your daughter might not have brought home every hand-out; especially anything that was above her reading level - “this one is for the grown-ups” might not necessarily always translate into “Mommy needs this” in a young child’s mind.)

You could also ask if there was anything mentioned about the ceremony that you would need to know (like that places were being set aside for the families, and please arrive early for best choice).

 

[airforcefamily]

Sorry, if you couldn’t find someone to walk your child into class any time during the 2 months that they were preparing for her 1st Communion Mass, I would not worry about getting the information to you. I would figure I had done my part.

It wasn’t about finding someone to walk in with her, I could have done that myself. It was about finding someone to spend four hours in the middle of their Saturday in the class with her. I guess the organizers thought they had done their part. Maybe they had? Maybe they didn’t realize someone would be left high and dry? Maybe they were just burnt out on volunteering? Who knows?

 

[jilly4ski]

I’m really surprised at some of the mean spirited comments towards me, including this one.

Yes, I fully understand that there were many things I could have done differently but that certainly doesn’t mean I am ‘not willing to put forth any effort towards’ my daughter’s education. I put in a huge effort towards her first communion. Some information was given to me over the phone and in a couple print outs that came home in her backpack. I never called (inconvenienced) the volunteers asking if they were sure they had given me all the information. Every first communion I have ever been to has been run more or less the exact same way, I didn’t have a reason to think this one might be radically different. We all live and learn.

I am sorry you are being “ganged up on.” I feel bad it was probably my poorly worded post that started the critical posts. So I apologize. I am glad that you have gained a little perspective on the matter, sometimes all it takes is to get it out in the open for us to reevaluate the experience and feel better about it, or at least understand why it happened, and learn ways to avoid it in the future.

I think it would be worth it to approach the school/parish and let them know that their policies are not family friendly. Probably in writing, only in person if you could do it without getting overly emotional. When they have mandatory workshops they need to provide daycare for attendees and allow very young children in the meeting. And other family friendly policies.

In the mean time, I would work with your daughter to get over these feelings against the parish and school. Don’t pile your frustrations with the way things turned out on her shoulders. Help her get past this bad experience by talking about the meaning of the sacrament, and forgiveness.

Thank you for your sacrifices, I hope you find some help and friends on base. I will be praying for you, your husband, and family.

 

[airforcefamily]

I think the point is to not let them assume anything - instead of letting them make assumptions about you, communicate with them.

When you pick up your child from the class, stop and ask the teacher what they learned that day, and make sure to collect any handouts that were given. (Seven year olds are not known for being detail oriented; your daughter might not have brought home every hand-out; especially anything that was above her reading level - “this one is for the grown-ups” might not necessarily always translate into “Mommy needs this” in a young child’s mind.)

You could also ask if there was anything mentioned about the ceremony that you would need to know (like that places were being set aside for the families, and please arrive early for best choice).

I hear what you’re saying about asking but because the school has no busses or kids who walk pickups involve a line of cars you sit in. A group of cars are let in at one time and those kids are called, escorted to the car, and helped into the car then you drive off. I’m confident she brought home everything since her folder is checked by the teacher’s aide then I take it out of her backpack.

Speaking directly with the teacher involves going to a conference. Conferences are on a once monthly specified afternoon. There is no schedule. You show up and wait in line outside the classroom door then, if you have other kids, you go wait in the other lines. No children are allowed although I have asked and they said it’s ok to bring not-yet-walking babies if need be. Each conference night the eight graders (with adult supervision) put on a daycare in exchange for a $10 per child donation towards their class trip (10 days in europe , but that’s another thread). It’s pretty unreasonable to expect someone to go through all that and pay for childcare just to ask if there might be more information about first communion. I tried emailing and was told that email ‘conferences’ are no longer allowed.

…and YES, we have thought of homeschooling. We home schooled for a year and half before the older two started at this school. Even with all our issues with the school we decided it was best for the kids to have to continuity of finishing out the year before making any big changes. We’re discussing homeschooling again starting in the fall (school is out for the year).

 

[odile53]

I hear you about this. If it’s any comfort to you, that’s the way it was done at my childhood church, pre VII. First Communion kids sitting in the front of the church, families in the pews behind them. The families and friends were seated first, and then the kids processed in, boys first, then girls, singing. I remember the date: May 13, 1961, the feast of Our Lady of Fatima, and the fact that my one great aunt, a Carmelite, made much of this when I was taken to visit her in the convent in full first communion regalia. I even remember the hymns we sang: Entrance was “Jesus, My Lord, My God, My All,” Offertory was “Lord Who at Thy First Eucharist Did Pray,” and communion hymn was “O Lord I am not Worthy.” Because it was a Marian feast day, the recessional was “Hail Holy Queen.”

My sainted Dad managed to catch me on his 8 mm movie camera and I made a surreptitious wave to the camera, which earned me a rap on the knuckles (you can always tell who really attended Catholic school pre 1970 by their knuckles!) from the ever vigilant, now sainted Sister St. Anthony AKA (by us kids) “Ten Ton Tony” (Sister was morbidly obese.)

I can still see the blue mimeographed handouts they sent home with us kids as to what was appropriate First Communion attire for girls: White dresses with short sleeves. Wrist length white gloves. White Mary Jane shoes. White ankle socks. Fingertip veils. Actually, Mom engaged the services of one of the most expert beaders on the reservation we lived on to make the headpiece for my communion veil. (I’m Iroquois.) One of the Sisters commented that it was very elaborate for First Communion, and almost vetoed it, but Mom stuck to her guns and I got to wear it. I ended up wearing the headpiece with new veiling on my wedding day, some thirty-four years later. It was still gorgeous.

I still have my First Communion rosary, which was given to me by my other great aunt, a Sister of Charity who only recently passed on to Jesus. It is a little crystal and brass rosary, with fancy engraved link connections at the crucifix, the centerpiece, and each Pater bead. I still pray with it on occasion. I still have my little keepsake First Communion Missal, white pearlized celluloid with a picture of a little girl receiving communion from Our Lord on the front, and on the inside, a little crucifix with the prayer before Jesus Crucified on the opposite page.

Naturally, in those days, we received Our Lord for the first time kneeling, at the communion rail. Dad managed to capture this on 8 mm Kodak. I’m having it, along with many other movies, transferred to DVD. What I recall, though, is this: The fact that for the very first time, I was actually receiving Jesus, body, blood, soul and divinity. I remember feeling a little faint and flushed at the experience. I truly was overwhelmed by the experience, and Ten Ton Tony looked at me with concern. She said afterwards I looked a little pale. Scary, I guess, that a little Indian kid looked pale!–LOL!

Mom made a huge deal of my First Communion party afterward. The magnolia tree in our old front yard was in full bloom. Aunt Claire (aka Sister Mary Paul, Sisters of Charity) had pooh-poohed Mom’s idea of hanging a rosary on the magnolia tree, but Mom went ahead and did it anyways. I have a picture of me in First Communion dress under that magnolia tree. Mom even went so far as to get new china. I have some pictures from that party, and there are many relatives who are now (hopefully) in heaven. I cherish those memories.

Mind you, all these memories are fifty years old. I guess the point I’m trying to make is this: Your daughter will remember her First Holy Communion in ways you can’t even imagine, many years down the road. It sounds like she had a very traditional First Communion, if that is of any comfort to you.

And I am thankful and happy that she has had her first encounter with Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and has been admitted to the table of the blessed!

 

[jmcrae]

I hear what you’re saying about asking but because the school has no busses or kids who walk pickups involve a line of cars you sit in. A group of cars are let in at one time and those kids are called, escorted to the car, and helped into the car then you drive off. I’m confident she brought home everything since her folder is checked by the teacher’s aide then I take it out of her backpack.

Speaking directly with the teacher involves going to a conference. Conferences are on a once monthly specified afternoon. There is no schedule. You show up and wait in line outside the classroom door then, if you have other kids, you go wait in the other lines. No children are allowed although I have asked and they said it’s ok to bring not-yet-walking babies if need be. Each conference night the eight graders (with adult supervision) put on a daycare in exchange for a $10 per child donation towards their class trip (10 days in europe , but that’s another thread). It’s pretty unreasonable to expect someone to go through all that and pay for childcare just to ask if there might be more information about first communion. I tried emailing and was told that email ‘conferences’ are no longer allowed.

…and YES, we have thought of homeschooling. We home schooled for a year and half before the older two started at this school. Even with all our issues with the school we decided it was best for the kids to have to continuity of finishing out the year before making any big changes. We’re discussing homeschooling again starting in the fall (school is out for the year).

Quite honestly, it sounds like a nightmare. It really seems like they are going out of their way to avoid communicating with parents.

 

[airforcefamily]

I hear you about this. If it’s any comfort to you, that’s the way it was done at my childhood church, pre VII. First Communion kids sitting in the front of the church, families in the pews behind them. The families and friends were seated first, and then the kids processed in, boys first, then girls, singing. I remember the date: May 13, 1961, the feast of Our Lady of Fatima, and the fact that my one great aunt, a Carmelite, made much of this when I was taken to visit her in the convent in full first communion regalia. I even remember the hymns we sang: Entrance was “Jesus, My Lord, My God, My All,” Offertory was “Lord Who at Thy First Eucharist Did Pray,” and communion hymn was “O Lord I am not Worthy.” Because it was a Marian feast day, the recessional was “Hail Holy Queen.”

My sainted Dad managed to catch me on his 8 mm movie camera and I made a surreptitious wave to the camera, which earned me a rap on the knuckles (you can always tell who really attended Catholic school pre 1970 by their knuckles!) from the ever vigilant, now sainted Sister St. Anthony AKA (by us kids) “Ten Ton Tony” (Sister was morbidly obese.)

I can still see the blue mimeographed handouts they sent home with us kids as to what was appropriate First Communion attire for girls: White dresses with short sleeves. Wrist length white gloves. White Mary Jane shoes. White ankle socks. Fingertip veils. Actually, Mom engaged the services of one of the most expert beaders on the reservation we lived on to make the headpiece for my communion veil. (I’m Iroquois.) One of the Sisters commented that it was very elaborate for First Communion, and almost vetoed it, but Mom stuck to her guns and I got to wear it. I ended up wearing the headpiece with new veiling on my wedding day, some thirty-four years later. It was still gorgeous.

I still have my First Communion rosary, which was given to me by my other great aunt, a Sister of Charity who only recently passed on to Jesus. It is a little crystal and brass rosary, with fancy engraved link connections at the crucifix, the centerpiece, and each Pater bead. I still pray with it on occasion. I still have my little keepsake First Communion Missal, white pearlized celluloid with a picture of a little girl receiving communion from Our Lord on the front, and on the inside, a little crucifix with the prayer before Jesus Crucified on the opposite page.

Naturally, in those days, we received Our Lord for the first time kneeling, at the communion rail. Dad managed to capture this on 8 mm Kodak. I’m having it, along with many other movies, transferred to DVD. What I recall, though, is this: The fact that for the very first time, I was actually receiving Jesus, body, blood, soul and divinity. I remember feeling a little faint and flushed at the experience. I truly was overwhelmed by the experience, and Ten Ton Tony looked at me with concern. She said afterwards I looked a little pale. Scary, I guess, that a little Indian kid looked pale!–LOL!

Mom made a huge deal of my First Communion party afterward. The magnolia tree in our old front yard was in full bloom. Aunt Claire (aka Sister Mary Paul, Sisters of Charity) had pooh-poohed Mom’s idea of hanging a rosary on the magnolia tree, but Mom went ahead and did it anyways. I have a picture of me in First Communion dress under that magnolia tree. Mom even went so far as to get new china. I have some pictures from that party, and there are many relatives who are now (hopefully) in heaven. I cherish those memories.

Mind you, all these memories are fifty years old. I guess the point I’m trying to make is this: Your daughter will remember her First Holy Communion in ways you can’t even imagine, many years down the road. It sounds like she had a very traditional First Communion, if that is of any comfort to you.

And I am thankful and happy that she has had her first encounter with Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and has been admitted to the table of the blessed!

Pats of this made me laugh so loud I woke the baby up! You’re right, she’ll have some nice memories, like one of her little brothers breaking the child lock on the fridge and taking a fistful of the black forest cake she stayed up late with me to help make.

 

[conniety]

It is odd there wasn’t any kind of practice the day or week before the event, or at the very least a paper sent home explaining the procedures.
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[Catya]

I tried to explain that I couldn’t find a babysitter and would need to bring my other children. They said it was ok then asked how many ‘other children’ I had. I said four and that the one making her first communion was the eldest. They said no. Flat out ‘don’t come’. We’re one of only a handful of ‘large’ families there with our five kids, the whole thing (and everything else there) was set up assuming two parents and maybe one or two other children besides the communicant… but that’s another thread. QUOTE]

I think it’s easy for an inidividual family and its needs to get “lost” in such a large parish. A mom on her own with five kids? why didn’t someone offer to help with childcare during the rehearsal? A parish with 100 first communicants surely must have enough teenagers to provide childminding. I think some parishes need to be reminded that children and families need support and encouragement.

By all means do approach your parish council/catechists or who ever organizes these events in your parish.

In the meantime, for the sake of your daughter’s happiness, perhaps you, Mom, can set an example and help her get some perspective and perhaps find some humour in it all? Are you familiar with the old movie “Father of the Bride” with Spencer Tracy & Elizabeth Taylor? The wedding scene in that movie is quite similar to how you describe what happened you and your daughter. After hours of preparations and the expenditure of many $$$, the father is caught up in the crowd of guests and hardly sees his daughter thoughout the entire event. It might be worth renting.