Discerning Marriage - Just how do you know?

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xzereus

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I’m having some difficult times with my girlfriend as we discern marriage. we’ve been dating for about two and a half years and we’re still uncertain. We both feel that being uncertain at this point is a bad sign, though for different reasons. She feels that it should be easy and “we should just know.” I mostly just think that it’s been long enough and we should have a better idea of where things are headed by now.

Truly, I am worried. We have gotten into more than a few fights over whether or not we should be together, and she has mentioned many times not being at peace. I’ve also heard her say quite a few times that “she doesn’t know if she’s supposed to marry me, become a nun, marry somebody else, etc.” She’s actually mentioned being nun quite a few times, and this makes me feel that she is drawn to that life. I’ve told her that if she felt she needed to leave our relationship to become a nun then I would be happy for her, not upset, because I know that she’d be doing what God wanted. I was trying to comfort her, but she seemed more upset than anything.

She’s said more than once that she’s “scared to know what God wants” because she isn’t sure if He wants us to be married or not. At this point I’m not sure either. I do love her, yet I can’t deny a feeling of uncertainty.

As far as reasoning to my uncertainty, I can’t really give it. We have worked out a lot of possible blocks to marriage, and the only current “issue” would be on traditionalism. I tend more toward traditional Catholicism while she tends more toward Novus Ordo. Either way, I think this is something we could easily work out, and I don’t think this is a good basis for the uncertainty I feel and the lack of peace she feels.

Where should we go from here? What should we try to figure out just if we’re meant to be together or not? If I’m supposed to marry her, I don’t want to waste anymore time. If I’m not, I don’t want to make this harder on either of us than it needs to be. Unfortunately, neither of has a spiritual director as we live in a difficult diocese. I’m seeking a good spiritual director currently, but what should I do in the meantime?
 
I “just knew”. I met my husband at a Goth club, of all places. I was there with a friend who dragged me out of the house to cheer me up. I was feeling sad and bored. I just wanted to go home. I looked over at my friend to ask him if we could leave. My friend was talking to another man and I said “Hey, are you going to introduce me to your new friend?” They both looked at me and WHAMMO! I saw my future husbands face and I just knew he was “The One”. I am a logical person and I never believed in love at first sight or anything like that. But, at that moment, everything in me screamed that I had met my destiny.

We started dating and really got to know each other. Every moment we spent together, even the arguments, further cemented the belief that we were supposed to meet and marry.

From his point of view, he knew I was “The One” when I cooked him a meal about a week later. 😃

We’re going to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary in December.

I agree that by now you should have an idea of where you are heading. Of all my friends and family, each knew they would be married fairly early on in the relationship. If marriage is not meant to be then it would be best to end things and continue on your separate journeys.

I am just now converting to Catholicism, so I am not sure how it works when you want to seek spiritual advice and live in different diocese. Ask your priest if you can have counseling in either diocese. If so, choose one and begin that process if you and your lady think it may help.
 
KrazyKat said:
When in doubt, don’t.
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This.

This is all you really need to know. Especially now…you’ve given it some time and prayer.
God does give us free will to make decisions you know. He won’t be angry with us for any decision we decide to make.

But, this could be the Holy Spirit nudging you away.

I’m not saying that you should know right away if you’ve met your husband or not. Plenty of people have actually dated their future spouse and broke up with them mid-way through their relationship. They are now married and very happy. In fact, if I remember correctly their was a thread that discussed this specifically.

I’m not one of those people. I met my husband and knew within a month I wanted to marry him. For me it was as simple as that. We didn’t get engaged until 3 years later…but we couldn’t be happier.
 
Well, there are a few factors that I feel could be affecting this. For one, she has a past of anxiety. Sometimes she acts like she is ready to get married, but other times she gets nervous and starts psyching herself out about what could go wrong.

At the same time, I think that a lot of the things that everyone has said are valid. If it changes anything, I felt sure that she was the one I would marry within the first year of us dating. Since then, though, that has waned, and I feel less and less sure every day. I am not sure if this is her own uncertainty due to anxiety and freaking herself out rubbing off on me or if this is, as someone mentioned, the Holy Spirit.
 
KrazyKat said:
When in doubt, don’t.
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Agree! If after two years she still.doesn’t know to me that is not a good sign. My grandmother used to say if you don’t know who knows. Is it that she doesn’t know or she doesn’t want to know?
 
I think you’ve given it a fair amount of time and discernment. Both of you going through all this indecision is the answer, don’t you think? You both are having trouble saying yes.
If it was me, I would feel comfortable moving on.
God bless you both in this time.
 
xzereus said:
Well, there are a few factors that I feel could be affecting this. For one, she has a past of anxiety. Sometimes she acts like she is ready to get married, but other times she gets nervous and starts psyching herself out about what could go wrong.

At the same time, I think that a lot of the things that everyone has said are valid. If it changes anything, I felt sure that she was the one I would marry within the first year of us dating. Since then, though, that has waned, and I feel less and less sure every day. I am not sure if this is her own uncertainty due to anxiety and freaking herself out rubbing off on me or if this is, as someone mentioned, the Holy Spirit.
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She may have anxiety. But, you need to be one hundred percent sure too and you’re not. She isn’t giving you anything to go on to make sure you are ready for this too.

It would be so easy if everyone was just hit by lightening when they meet the “right person for them” and God spoke to them plainly saying “here she is, what are you waiting for?” Unfortunately, God doesn’t work that way.

I think you need to sit down with her and be honest about how you feel. Try to find a conclusion and not find more “what ifs” or possibilities. End the discussion on a clear note that tells both of you what your intentions are. Ask her where she honestly thinks this relationship is going. Tell her you love her but can’t wait forever. If she is still discerning then you might need to move on.

Maybe talk to a priest…together? That might be a good idea too.
 
Sometimes people try to hold things together for all the wrong reasons and this sounds like you two. Why not devote some time to being apart and praying about your relationship. Set a time period, say one month, during which you agree not to see each other or talk to each other but rather pray for each other to hear God’s call for your lives. When the time is up, see if the distance from each other has made any change for either of you and try very hard to do what you hear God telling you to do. God bless you both as you move forward.
 
Well, one thing you could do is “fast” from each other, that is, agree not to see each other for a month. Not seeing each other will allow you to see how you feel about each other more clearly and whether you really are okay with being separated. It could draw your feelings into focus, and you could use it as a time of prayer, especially prayer before the Blessed Sacrament, to discern God’s will. There are no guarantees, of course, but I’ve heard this can help.
 
If she doesn’t know whether she wants to enter the religious life or get married, I’d say probably some time apart is a good idea. She needs to know whether she even is called to marriage at all before she can know whether you’re the one for her.

Personally, I got really hung up on the idea that there was one “right person” out there that God was supposed to lead me to, and scared that if I chose the “wrong” person I would be making a huge mistake. Once I realized that there are many people out there who would have been a right fit, and that I wasn’t supposed to find the one person in the world “meant for me”, I relaxed a lot and realized I really did want to marry my husband. Obviously the process of discernment is very important, but at some point a choice needs to be made, one way or the other. In my case, I actually knew what I wanted but hadn’t understood that God gives us the freedom to choose who we want and that there is no such thing as a “soulmate”. We need to choose wisely and involve God in the process, but God doesn’t go around planting people on the earth specifically meant for each other and no one else, and if you don’t find that one person you’re doomed.
 
The idea of marrying your future spouse should bring you and you girlfriend vast amounts of peace. It is a sacrament and it should bring you peace in the way that all sacraments do.

Even if she is an anxious person, your presence and the idea of spending the rest of her life with you should be a peaceful feeling, not an anxiety-filled one. Both my husband and I have had issues with anxiety in our past. However, once we found each other, we have never felt less anxious/depressed/etc in our whole lives, and we are happier and more peaceful than either of us ever though we would be (even with all the additional “grownup stresses” like bills, housebuying, life decisions, etc). Although I have been on anxiety/depression medications in the past and have had counseling, I don’t need any of such things anymore because my husband is such a supportive person and he makes me so happy and secure. He is my rock, and I am his.

Talking to a priest (by yourself - having your girlfriend there will cloud your judgment) should help you sort out whether your girlfriend is the one you should marry. This is a life-long commitment, and you should not have any doubts about who you will spend the rest of your life with. You should know deep down in your heart whether you should marry your girlfriend. The fact that you are on this forum shows that you have doubts.

As a previous poster said, when in doubt, don’t.
 
My granddad used to say you know when you order your lives together. In other words, you focus on improving your future in tangible ways (e.g., eliminating debt, settling in a church community) as a team. From what I’ve observed, it seems to be true.
 
xzereus said:
I’m having some difficult times with my girlfriend as we discern marriage. we’ve been dating for about two and a half years and we’re still uncertain. We both feel that being uncertain at this point is a bad sign, though for different reasons. She feels that it should be easy and “we should just know.” I mostly just think that it’s been long enough and we should have a better idea of where things are headed by now.

Truly, I am worried. We have gotten into more than a few fights over whether or not we should be together, and she has mentioned many times not being at peace. I’ve also heard her say quite a few times that “she doesn’t know if she’s supposed to marry me, become a nun, marry somebody else, etc.” She’s actually mentioned being nun quite a few times, and this makes me feel that she is drawn to that life. I’ve told her that if she felt she needed to leave our relationship to become a nun then I would be happy for her, not upset, because I know that she’d be doing what God wanted. I was trying to comfort her, but she seemed more upset than anything.

She’s said more than once that she’s “scared to know what God wants” because she isn’t sure if He wants us to be married or not. At this point I’m not sure either. I do love her, yet I can’t deny a feeling of uncertainty.

As far as reasoning to my uncertainty, I can’t really give it. We have worked out a lot of possible blocks to marriage, and the only current “issue” would be on traditionalism. I tend more toward traditional Catholicism while she tends more toward Novus Ordo. Either way, I think this is something we could easily work out, and I don’t think this is a good basis for the uncertainty I feel and the lack of peace she feels.

Where should we go from here? What should we try to figure out just if we’re meant to be together or not? If I’m supposed to marry her, I don’t want to waste anymore time. If I’m not, I don’t want to make this harder on either of us than it needs to be. Unfortunately, neither of has a spiritual director as we live in a difficult diocese. I’m seeking a good spiritual director currently, but what should I do in the meantime?
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Take your discernment seriously! Don’t let people say that you’ve been dating sooo long that you need to get married. Maybe you keep discerning maybe you break up, but time really should not be a factor. I was married 7 years and then divorced. A lot of issues were not worked out before hand and we just felt it was time to get married. Of course we “loved” each other, but did we really know what that meant.

Loving another person is to Will their good above your own. Do both of you do that? Do you have a relationship built on sacrificing for the others good? I would encourage you to work on a relationship like that. It has to work both ways, with Christ at the center which it sounds like you are trying to do.

My point I guess, is don’t ask so much what is she doing for me…or is she good for me. But am I ready to be the best for her. She should be asking the same thing about herself, and when you guys see that worked out in your decision making, then it is time to get married!

God Bless,

Jon
 
mountee said:
Sometimes people try to hold things together for all the wrong reasons and this sounds like you two. Why not devote some time to being apart and praying about your relationship. Set a time period, say one month, during which you agree not to see each other or talk to each other but rather pray for each other to hear God’s call for your lives. When the time is up, see if the distance from each other has made any change for either of you and try very hard to do what you hear God telling you to do. God bless you both as you move forward.
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I second this advice.
 
I’ve been married 37 years now and I can tell you that the first 35 years are the toughest! After that it’s clear sailing!
 
I’m going to disagree with most of the people who responded. The experience of “just knowing” has a lot to do with expectations and psychology. It’s not a true guide to marital success. There’s no such thing as soulmates. God doesn’t create two people he’s destined to be together, seperate them and make it their life journey to find each other and hopefully marry each other. A failed marriage doesn’t deal with marrying the person God didn’t intend for you.

God can be more like a good matchmaker. First, he teaches us the basic keys to authentic love. Authentic love is far more about choice and virtue than about being destined for each other. He also can guide us to finding good potential matches. In the end, however, it is our choice to marry. It is our choice on who to marry. God offers advise, but there’s no wrong wrong. There are just people who may have serious red flags indicating they’re not ready for marriage.

I think there are two things that play into uncertainty today. First, we see a lot of what we’d call failed marriages. Second, we rear ourselves through romantic novels and movies, that soulmates exists. Ultimately puts us into a place where we perceive a broken marriage as some unforunate event that happens to us. We don’t take as much moral responsibility for it. Rather, we look for other things out of our control – for signs that have nothing to do with logic that would have indicated a cause to the failure. With the idea of soulmates, we tell ourselves the cause is simply. “We weren’t meant to be. This person wasn’t the one.”

I think secular society has now seen so much divorce, that much of the society has lost faith in the longetity of a relationship. They’ve given up the ideal of a soulmate, but then have adopted the notion that we may be intended to be with someone or a limited time – so long as it works.

Those of us who believe in the longetity of marriage though may have a tendency simply put more faith in the belief of soulmates. But with so many divorces, its easy for us to say things like “soulmates are difficult to find and we can be duped.” Thus we wait for this sense of “just knowing” but psychologically, we’re so afraid of being wrong, its impossible to have that experience. We’re simply not niave enough to have it anymore.

As such, what I would say is this. Marriage can only be formed by consent. You two may be great for each other. If there are no red flags in your relationship, than I’d say there is no problem to you getting married unless you or your girlfriend simply isn’t ready to commit to marriage. You can’t force yourself to make that commitment. But its not about needing to date longer or finding the right one. Its about being uncomfortable and fearful of the hardships of marriage. You have to be at a place where you can and want to say yes to it all. Maybe that means coming in contact with other married couples who know and work at their marriage and haven’t given up.

Both of you need to decide. Staying in limbo because you’re uncomfortable with making a choice I don’t believe is the will of God.
 
Have you tried looking into Ingatian discernment? I found it a huge help. There are many books on it out there, the one I liked was called “God’s voice within”. It’s not a magic pill to solve your problems, but it helped me a lot.
 
Let her go entirely to go discern whether or not she has a vocation to the religious life. What you do not need is a wife who meets the difficulties of marriage with the question of “What was I thinking? Why didn’t I join the convent?” let alone “Why didn’t I hold out for Mr. Right?” She needs to be able to think back and say to herself, “Oh, yeah, I looked into that, and that was not going to be for me. These are just the difficulties I could have expected even with this Mr. Right.”

She should not just talk about feeling divided. She needs to do something about it. As it is, you are probably having these fights because you are ready to get married and she has not addressed her reservations. Time to fish or cut bait, girl. Were I you, OP, I’d tell her to make certain she has the right lake. Let her go, and give her no guarantees about being there if she decides to come back. That is not only not fair to you, but it is not really cutting loose. Deal with whether or not you want her back when and if she comes back. As long as she thinks you are some sure thing that will be there no matter what she does, she’s not going to force herself to consider whether she appreciates you or not. She may also not have the courage to trade a “bird in the hand” for the unknown. Well, you need her to choose you positively.

You’ve been courting long enough that you are a known quantity. Let her go, and tell her not to come back until a) she has actually done some discernment for religious life, however short and b) you are someone she is willing to pursue as her Mr. Right, not Mr. I-Guess-He’ll-Do. She doesn’t have to come back certain, but you need to not be jerked around any more until she’s ready to do some active pursuit of you.

PS My husband did this to me before we were married. He was right, and having to go out there alone and do some hard thinking was good for me and my appreciation of him. I think it took me about 2 weeks to realize I was being ridiculous and would kick myself forever if I lost him. Forcing her to do some considering at this point is not a cruel thing for you to do.
 
I think after two years you’d be longing to be married. I knew after two months when I met my husband. All the fireworks went kablooey.
Now I am not saying that everything should be based on chemistry. But it sounds as though you could live without her. Not a good sign IMO.
 
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