Discerning Marriage - Just how do you know?

[LaMusicaSenior]

I can’t speak from experience, beings that I’ve never even dated, but a lot of people have given great advice. I think it basically boils down to three things, (which I wrote about on my blog yesterday after reading an article by Jackie Francois, a Catholic speaker):

1. You know it’s the right one when you are at peace. There isn’t any “deep in the pit of my stomach I know something isn’t going to work out” feeling. You know that this is where God is calling you to be, and where you can best serve Him.
2. The relationship is lifegiving. A marriage works best when you are equally yoked. The big point of this is being equally yoked in religious beliefs, but also on levels of intelligence, and matters of spiritual, emotional, and physical health. When you aren’t “evenly matched” it can feel as if you are either pulling your partner along, or you are being dragged behind a racing horse. Not that I speak from experience, but I’m guessing neither of those are good feelings. Even in a friendship, we look for people who we know can relate to us. When you are looking for someone to share the rest of your life with - and help along in all levels of life, this is pretty important. Especially when you look at the fact that both of you are supposed to get each other to Heaven.

and, in my view, the most important:

1. Step three: You can just be yourself. To me, this was the most important step. Does anyone remember that Full House episode when the teenager daughter was interested in a guy who liked cars? Instead of saying that she didn’t really know a lot about cars, but would still be interested in learning about cars with him, she told him she knew everything about cars. Then she ran home and poured over car magazines for the whole day before her date with him. This isn’t true love! This is putting on a fake mask to impress. Masks are pretty hard to keep up all the time…eventually they’ll fall off. Jackie points out that, “Your spouse is someone who will see you at your best and at your worst - and will love you all the more, despite your faults and weaknesses.” So the key to knowing you found the right girl/guy is when you aren’t afraid to be yourself. They know you don’t like sports, or can’t stand horror movies. They don’t mind that you don’t talk a lot, or are more of a night owl than a morning bird. The key here is this: Your spouse is who you can be with and not be afraid of trying to disguise the person God created you to be.

Hope this helps some

God bless,

Chloe M.

 

[gracepoole]

I have to say that I’m one of those “I just knew” folks. Before dating and marrying my husband, I spent years telling everyone who would listen that I’d never marry and have children – I just didn’t feel called to it. So for me, it was an intense and overwhelmingly right shift once I met him. What was almost an abhorrent thought before became the only life I could accept from that point forward.

I’m with other posters who’ve suggested that your girlfriend should enter into a period of discernment without dating. God bless you both for being so thoughtful about choosing your spouse!

 

[EasterJoy]

I have to say that I’m one of those “I just knew” folks. Before dating and marrying my husband, I spent years telling everyone who would listen that I’d never marry and have children – I just didn’t feel called to it. So for me, it was an intense and overwhelmingly right shift once I met him. What was almost an abhorrent thought before became the only life I could accept from that point forward.

I’m with other posters who’ve suggested that your girlfriend should enter into a period of discernment without dating. God bless you both for being so thoughtful about choosing your spouse!

This.

Your post makes me think to clarify mine, though. The OP cannot force his girlfriend into discernment with regards to the religious life. What he can do, however, is to discontinue courting her until he has satisfied* himself *that she does not have that calling. She and the OP are too far along in their relationship for him to be hearing her say “she doesn’t know if she’s supposed to marry me, become a nun, marry somebody else.” He shouldn’t be treated like a commodity that is hers to take or to leave for something behind Door #2.

Of course it is natural to enter marriage with some trepidation with regards to all that is unknowable, a lifetime vow that hands over everything is expected to take some courage, but everyone who marries also deserves to choose and to be chosen positively and enthusiastically, without reservation, and above all other options. If the OP is not getting that by this time, he and his girlfriend ought to part ways. If they get back together, they can start from scratch.

 

[fpt]

The absolute theoretical providentialism, the fideism and their brothers and sisters or their cousins, like intellectual approaches / doctrines / practices *are some heresies, were banned by the Roman Catholic Church. *

Each human being is free, has his free will. We are not robots, each one can make choices. God is not us; we are not God. Each one is unique, different with its own rules, rights, obligations and duties.

The marriage is based on the liberty concerning the will to enter into this institution and into this contract, and concerning the choice of the person of the opposite sex. It is a personal choice by the discerning that is done in function of natural elements (the personality - body and soul, morality -, beauty, the intellect, the spirituality, the religiousity, the physical attraction, the compatibilities, the mentalities, the education, the almost same stantard of conjugal life and of family life…etc).

Marriage is not an obligation, but it is a natural right if the natural conditions are existing for each future spouse (see the canon law).

 

[CradleJourney]

I’d like to “Third” the advice for taking a break from each other for a set period of time. That’s how I finally knew my husband was the right guy for me. I wasn’t 100% sure he was the right guy or that I was ready for marriage or what I really wanted … but every time I tried to put distance between us, I discovered I just couldn’t do it. For his part, he never pushed … but he wouldn’t give up either.

One thing that occurred to me in your post was your comment about how if she left you for a religious vocation you’d be happy for her. No offense to you or to those with a religious calling, however if I was the girl (and much younger than I am now) and my boyfriend said that to me, I’d start doubting the strength of his feelings. After all, many girls are raised with this fantasy that a guy who “really loves us” would brave impossible journeys, risk everything, and perish if they couldn’t be with us (think Romeo/Juliet, Princess Bride, and so forth). Just a thought.

 

[quiet52]

I agree with the advice to not date your girlfriend so that she can discern a vocation as a sister or nun. Why don’t you give her three months for this discernment, and encourage her to make an appointment with a vocations director asap. You might need to extend it to six months, if she needs more time. But if she is not sure about either vocation after six months, maybe it would be time for you to consider dating other women. You and she could remain friends and could continue to pray for each other.
By the way, have you been praying with each other during your courtship?
.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree with the advice to not date your girlfriend so that she can discern a vocation as a sister or nun. Why don’t you give her three months for this discernment, and encourage her to make an appointment with a vocations director asap. You might need to extend it to six months, if she needs more time. But if she is not sure about either vocation after six months, maybe it would be time for you to consider dating other women. You and she could remain friends and could continue to pray for each other.
By the way, have you been praying with each other during your courtship?
.

Having been in the situation, I’d say let her go and do not give her a deadline for coming back. She should have as long as she needs, but she ought to also be aware that someone else might pursue the OP, and he can’t be expected to put his world on hold while she dithers around about what to do with her life. Life is too short to do that to others. Besides, what happens if he meets the right girl in the meantime? Unless a couple is waiting out a deployment or something else put on them from outside, the waiting around thing does not work. (Even in the case of a deployment, it is very hard. That is a huge sacrifice that people make for their country, not something to be done lightly.)

 

[xzereus]

Thank you all so much for your comments. They have all been very helpful. I have mentioned to her a couple times that we each need to go and speak to a priest separately. I told her yesterday that we really need to do this, and that she needs to mention that she sometimes feels a drawing toward religious life. Then she said, “No, I can’t do that. You know a priest will tell me I’m supposed to become a nun if I even mention it!”

Anyway, I’m going to talk with her and try to figure things out based on your comments… Thank you everyone!

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you all so much for your comments. They have all been very helpful. I have mentioned to her a couple times that we each need to go and speak to a priest separately. I told her yesterday that we really need to do this, and that she needs to mention that she sometimes feels a drawing toward religious life. Then she said, “No, I can’t do that. You know a priest will tell me I’m supposed to become a nun if I even mention it!”

Anyway, I’m going to talk with her and try to figure things out based on your comments… Thank you everyone!

No, a priest will not do that!! The convent will not do that!! The truth is, no community is going to take her unless she demonstrates that she does have a vocation. They don’t let you become a novice at the drop of the hat, and they don’t let novices make their professions until they’ve spent some real time in the community. They need more sisters, but they don’t need them badly enough to take candidates who really ought to be out marrying and having children. That is just a disaster for everybody. (C’mon, has she never seen the Sound of Music? Climb every mountain, girl! )

Suggest that she look into what orders she would like IF she were to join a religious order, and encourage her to contact them about their next discernment weekend. Most of the orders have them now. That could answer many of her questions one way or the other.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

When in doubt, don’t.

Agreed. I doubted and married. Fortunately my second wife is the most wonderful human being one could possibly imagine.

The doubt alone isn’t what concerns me. People might have some doubts initially because of unfamiliarity with the person they are dating. However, in this case it’s way more than that. We’re talking about people that have been dating two and a half years. It would be reasonable to assume that they know everything about each other, and then some, at this point, and their are still doubts. I’m not going to tell other people what to do, but if it were me, I would’ve broken off the relationship by now. It doesn’t mean that it can’t possibly work out down the road as they mature, but at this point in time it should be seriously considered that these people may be not meant to be spouses.

And lastly, just because people don’t marry doesn’t mean they can’t be friends. Many people that date hate the other person that they formerly dated. But the fact that they dated for a long time probably means that had a lot in common, but just not whatever element was needed to actually get married.

 

[LSK]

I sure wish I knew the answer to this question. I am a widow. I thought for sure I would remarry some day and be someone’s wife and mother and (eventual) grandmother but nope, not in the cards.

Weird, huh? Oh well…trust God, clean house and help others…and enjoy the occasional Fast and Furious Movies…

I hope the next one has zombies in it…that would be FABULOUS