Discovery or Masturbation

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saramomof1

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I am going out on a limb with this. I have viewed other posts and I see how some people get slammed or judged and labled as being a troll . I am really confused about this situation and I talked with a couple of people who have told me to just post it.

I have a 12 year old son, I caught him self pleasuring himself a few nights ago . I didn’t actually catch him in the act but found his ejaculate in tissues which was on the coffee table. He was down in the den watching TV while I was cookling dinner and he must have fell asleep. When I came down to get him for dinner, I noticed the tissues on the table. I woke him up, and just walked upstairs. I didn’t say anything to him as I don’t know what to say. I needed to calm down because I was shocked. I was upset that he just left this in the open and I am having anxiety now because of this…

I am not sure if I am over reacting but it made me feel very uncomfortable . I am a single parent and I know it’s my responsiblity to talk to him but it’s not easy.
 
I really can’t tell you how to go about this as a parent, but if you haven’t already, it is important for you to talk about sexual matters with your kids, especially when they start doing things like masturbation.

I would even suggest consulting a priest if you continue to struggle with this, and by consult I don’t mean just show up and blurt out “I caught my son masturbating” but maybe get some counsel on how as a single mother you can approach discussing the topic in general.

Spiritually speaking, masturbation is a grave matter, but I’ve also seen enough literature that children and adolescents generally have a tougher time falling into mortal sin on these issues, and I’ll leave that to a confessor.

Now, one concern I always have with masturbation is that a lot of people will tell you “well, it’s normal”.

Whenever I give out dating advice, mostly to males, and were the subject to come up, I would strongly advise against it because it can impact one’s motivation for dating.

It’s not easy, but is the kind of conversation that needs to be had sitting down and not just in passing.
 
I honestly don’t know what the answer is. I have four boys and have dealt with toddlers masturbating, which is totally innocent, and that’s hard enough to handle as a parent. At 12, that’s downright awful. But, it’s a fact of life that kids masturbate and it’s a fact of life that parents have to address it. So, I suggest sitting down with him and explaining how his body works, what his parts are for, and what point ejaculate serves. Explain that it is possible to enjoy an orgasm on his own, but that that feeling and experience is something that needs to be saved for marriage. I would not say things like, “I found…” Or “I caught you…” Or “I know you’ve been…”. That will humiliate him coming from Mom. All you can do is give him the correct information, reinforce it over time, and trust that God knows he is only 12.
 
I feel like the cats got my tongue… I am so upset and embarrassed that I actually found his ejaculate as this is something I never in a million years thought I would ever come across.

I am scared to approach him, I don’t know how he will react and the main point if I should allow him to continue to masturbate. I do hear this is normal and he is only going through puberty.

I am lost for words
 
saramomof1 said:
I feel like the cats got my tongue… I am so upset and embarrassed that I actually found his ejaculate as this is something I never in a million years thought I would ever come across.

I am scared to approach him, I don’t know how he will react and the main point if I should allow him to continue to masturbate. I do hear this is normal and he is only going through puberty.

I am lost for words
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You don’t get to say whether he continues or not, because it is something he will do in private. You can only provide him with information and support, and hope and pray for the best. It is normal for kids and teens to masturbate. It’s easy and it feels fantastic! That does not mean it’s a good choice, and it doesn’t mean you have to support it. It’s also normal for kids to sass their parents, want to eat junk all day, and take unnecessary risks. Again, it’s out job to guide kids away from these “normal” but maladaptive behaviors.
 
Ok, so I guess I will ask this, is masturbation ok, especially if he is only 12 and probably doesn’t know any better… How can I explain that he needs to properly put his ejaculate in the garbage without embarrassing him
 
saramomof1 said:
Ok, so I guess I will ask this, is masturbation ok, especially if he is only 12 and probably doesn’t know any better… How can I explain that he needs to properly put his ejaculate in the garbage without embarrassing him
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It’s not “okay” - but there is a learning curve on this. He may not fully understand why it is wrong, and he may have a hard time quitting. Again, you provide the information. He decides how to use that information. Obviously as with any mess he might leave, you call him to the “scene of the crime” and tell him to clean up his mess immediately. For all you know, he blew his nose and left it. Make him responsible for ANY mess he leaves around the house. Don’t get into an argument about what he used the tissues for.
 
I understand, I need to climb this wall. This is hard on me being a single parent to a son. If I had a daughter, I would have no problem talking about periods and tampons.

I wish this site had chat
 
saramomof1 said:
Ok, so I guess I will ask this, is masturbation ok, especially if he is only 12 and probably doesn’t know any better… How can I explain that he needs to properly put his ejaculate in the garbage without embarrassing him
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You were worried we’d think you’re a troll?😛
 
Wait, your thinking I am someone playing games… I am a single mom to a son who is 12. I lost my husband in a car accident 3 years ago and I can tell you that the past three years has been very diffifult for me. I started to attend bible studies and church as I needed an outlet and I found God. I am building a strong relationship with God so I came here to discuss an issue where I don’t know who to turn too…

Your here trying to say that I am some pervert who doesn’t have anything better to do with her time but make up a story about her son…

I think you need to refocus on yourself and stop assuming things
 
I agree with other posters - the best course of action is to let this one go, but begin to explain to him about sexuality. Two good Catholic teachers in the area of sexuality that I know of are Colleen Kelly Mast and Jason Evert; I am sure there are many other good guides out there to help Catholics explain these realities to preteens. At some point along this path you will be able to explain to him that his sexuality is a gift from God to be used for His glory in marriage, and is not to be abused for selfish pleasure.
 
saramomof1 said:
Ok, so I guess I will ask this, is masturbation ok, especially if he is only 12 and probably doesn’t know any better… How can I explain that he needs to properly put his ejaculate in the garbage without embarrassing him
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Sara, welcome to CAF. I’m a dad now, but I remember this happening to me as a boy. I was about 11 or 12 , didn’t know the facts of life and discovered ejaculation by accident. While it felt good, it didn’t seem right and I thought something was wrong with me. I talked to my Mom about it and she explained what ejaculate was for, that while it was an accident, I should not do it again…that it was reserved for marriage and was not moral at all for me to be doing alone. She explained that my body has certain functions and that ejaculating has a function to only be used when I got married some day. I’m paraphrasing my conversation with my mom of course, but at some point your son needs to know what he’s doing is not right and needs to stop. However you get that across to him is up to you as his parent, but it’s one of the Commandments that he needs to know and learn.

To avoid embarrassment for him, maybe there’s another way to bring the topic up without mentioning the tissues with ejaculate in them. I’m so sorry about your late husband…my sincere condolences. Again, welcome to the forums and I hope you post often with any questions you have!
 
saramomof1 said:
Wait, your thinking I am someone playing games… I am a single mom to a son who is 12. I lost my husband in a car accident 3 years ago and I can tell you that the past three years has been very diffifult for me. I started to attend bible studies and church as I needed an outlet and I found God. I am building a strong relationship with God so I came here to discuss an issue where I don’t know who to turn too…
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I was going to ask you where your husband is…😦 I am so sorry about your husband. This would be a time when a father could speak to a son in an easier way than a mom can…There isn’t an easy, non-embarrassing way to handle this. You are going to need to either find a close male relation to help with this (but making sure that person is a faithful and true CATHOLIC), or, take it on yourself, swallowing your fear and embarrassment.

Just start talking about it, the car is a good place for discussions because you won’t be looking right at him, but driving, and he’s trapped and can’t just walk out on you. It would be good to start with some kind of context, such as having watched a movie that was a little racy or someone you see on the street who is being very immodest in clothing.

You start by just talking about chastity in any context whatsoever. I hope you’ve already been doing this in some way, all along through his childhood. I would NOT bring up your discovery. If he asks why you are talking about this stuff, tell him that he is going through puberty and that means he is becoming a man, and he needs to know all of this because things are going to happen with his body that he will not have control of, but there ARE things that he CAN control, and there are good reasons for him to try to control them.

Bl. John Paul II’s book, “Theology of the Body” has been translated into a teen version and once you are talking about all of this, you could introduce that book. But you have to start right where you are. I won’t tell you it’s easy, because on one hand, you don’t want him to freak out if he’s tempted to masturbate, but we as Catholics do not believe that masturbation is natural - and certainly not healthy. Sexual pleasure is for married couples and not to be indulged in without a spouse. However, realistically, many of us fall over and over before we find true chastity.

This is a tough stage for a mom to go through with a son, but you have to do it. You’re all he has left.
 
Sara - you’ll get used to being accused of being a troll - there is an elite group who think every second question is Trollish, if it makes them uncomfortable. I’ve been accused several times, and no doubt will get a few more in the future.

The tissues - casually remark to him that all used tissues should be disposed of immediately - maybe next time he has a head cold might be a opportunity. That way you are covering boogers, phlegm, your own wiped-off lipstick etc., not just what concerns you. Liken it to leaving used toilet paper around in the bathroom - not something you want anyone else to see.
 
saramomof1 said:
Ok, so I guess I will ask this, is masturbation ok, especially if he is only 12 and probably doesn’t know any better… How can I explain that he needs to properly put his ejaculate in the garbage without embarrassing him
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Also, remember to tell him about night emissions, i.e. “wet dreams.” He may already be having these if he is into puberty. You might start showing him how to wash his own laundry including his sheets if he is not already doing it. Make it part of your housecleaning, “Saturday is sheet-stripping day.”

But do cover this subject when you talk to him about sex. These dreams are really out of his control at this point.

Porn is something you should watch out for. Make sure his computer has good blocking software and is never kept in his bedroom. Teach him to honor women and explain what porn is and what it does to women and to men.

You’ve got a lot of work ahead. Do you have any male relatives who can help? I mean that you can trust not to undermine your work with him.
 
I think that the general idea that not bringing it up right now may be a good idea.

When you boil it right down to it, this was probably going to happen eventually. One thing I may note, is that teenagers tend to be rebellious, at least to their parnents. I’m thinking the best course of action is just to pray for him. If you confront him, he could very well just make a note to be more careful. Since we don’t know your son, we cannot say. Maybe in a year or two(Or whenever you feel he’s ready) talk to him about how, while sex is not a bad thing at all, it has a time and a place. Don’t do it in a way that he’ll feel guilt ridden. There’s a very good chance he doesn’t quite grasp the gravity of this, if he realizes it’s wrong in the first place.
 
Falco said:
Sara - you’ll get used to being accused of being a troll - there is an elite group who think every second question is Trollish, if it makes them uncomfortable. I’ve been accused several times, and no doubt will get a few more in the future.

The tissues - casually remark to him that all used tissues should be disposed of immediately - maybe next time he has a head cold might be a opportunity. That way you are covering boogers, phlegm, your own wiped-off lipstick etc., not just what concerns you. Liken it to leaving used toilet paper around in the bathroom - not something you want anyone else to see.
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This.

Without even hinting that you know what those tissues contain, mention you need him to clean up after himself more than he has been doing in the past, and include the tissue as an example along with other innocuous things (i.e. all used tissue must go in the toilet/trash, and toys need to be put back to their proper places, etc). If he has left toys out, then you can accentuate the problem with the toys while mentioning the tissue problem as an additional item to address.

Then perhaps a week from now, find some way to approach the issue without letting him know that you know he did this. I am sorry that you have to face this alone. Do you have brothers or brothers in law who can help? Or even a grandfather would go a long way. If not, you are going to have to explain to him what’s what at this point, since he is already figuring it out for himself. Better he learn it from a responsible person than the garbage out there on the internet. I never had that talk when I was a kid, and learned from all the naughty magazine caches left around in the woods from generation to generation. I can’t imagine how bad things have gotten because of the internet.

Also, I suggest you consider some means to monitor web usage and block access to various sites. None of these tools are perfect, but I doubt a twelve year old will get around them as long as you maintain root access to all his machines, and he is limited to a user account without root privileges.
 
JackieMom said:
You don’t get to say whether he continues or not, because it is something he will do in private. You can only provide him with information and support, and hope and pray for the best. It is normal for kids and teens to masturbate. It’s easy and it feels fantastic! That does not mean it’s a good choice, and it doesn’t mean you have to support it. It’s also normal for kids to sass their parents, want to eat junk all day, and take unnecessary risks. Again, it’s out job to guide kids away from these “normal” but maladaptive behaviors.
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I’m afraid I will have to disagree with you here.

Looking back on my life now, I really, really wish my parents had taught me about the morality of this issue. If this isn’t dealt with, it will turn into a huge mess. Don’t make it sound like it is his choice - it’s not. Once he knows that it is a mortal sin, he is fully responsible for his actions. If he chooses to do it again, he is choosing to separate himself from God, and I won’t be the first to tell you that this is never, EVER a thing that can just be said to be “a choice”.

To the asker: As a parent, it is your job to protect him from the dangers of this world and show him the truth. If this means that you have to strip him of all privacy, do it. If this means that he cannot even be alone at night, do it. Do whatever it takes to prevent this from becoming a habit and/or leading to pornography or worse. I wish that I was never given those times to be alone. Once my parents had a suspicion (which they eventually did), they should have done everything to stop it. They should have taken away my ipod, my computer, made me sleep in a room with another person, time my showers, whatever it would have taken to stop me. Now I am having to live with my life with horrible tendencies and temptations. Everyday I struggle with this problem that started four years ago. For four years I have struggled with masturbation, pornography, even just looking at people. I have led myself into my own hell.

Now, I’m not saying my parents were at fault - they didn’t know. In fact, I took very special care that they didn’t know. But you know. And now that you do, you are responsible for helping him out of this hole he is digging himself. For me, I didn’t even know what I was doing was really wrong, but I did know somehow that I had to keep it a secret. Now that it is no longer a secret for you, please, please help him. He will dig his own grave, and the devil has made it so easy these days. You need to show him the truth about sexuality and keep a very close eye on him in order to make sure that this never, ever happens again.

I wish you the best and pray that God gives you the strength to do this,
Timothy Garber
 
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