Disrespectful Mother.... and Veeery frustrated daughter!

[Marybeloved]

I recently posted about a man whom I rejected due to his insecurity and otherwise creepy nature (and age) who insisted on pursuing me forcefully despite numerous rejections, ignored texts and phone calls and direct rejections, for almost a year. Our last conversation was in June/July last year when I was desperately looking for a job. He tried to get me a job at his Bank where he works, which I politely rejected because I did not want to “owe” him anything and I certainly did not want to take myself right to his work-place where he could harass me every day. I then asked to just not communicate at all (for the nth time). He started talking nasty and I just hang up.

Apparently, he continued texting my mom behind my back and she texted him back. Me and her had a terrible fight in 2010 after I first met him, she basically tried to push me to see him which I refused and she only gave up when she saw she would ruin our relationship entirely over it. I found out about the texting this last December and asked her to stop because it was very disrespectful to me for her to do that after I chose to end all communications with this guy and that he was disrespecting me by switching to my mom, to continue that communication because I blocked his number and everything. She told me she would respect my wishes and not indulge this person’s attempts at holding onto some connection with me.

Now I accidentally find a message on her phone after she asked me to locate an old message from a doctor that we were trying to find and she handed me her phone as she was busy with a guest. So I’m scrolling and I find this Valentine message from this same person. I look over at sent messages and lo and behold- I find my mothers text back to this guy. I’m so frustrated. We’ve just had a nasty fight where I just told her I’d had it with her lack of respect towards me and many other harsh things and I was tired of her false apologies when she was only insistent on doing her will even in matters like this that she should show respect to her children.

Does she have a right to continue this communications against my desires knowing very well that it’s really just about me in the end, with this guy?

Was I too harsh?

How should I handle this?

 

[Inego_de_Loyola]

1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak with the tongues of men, and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

2 And if I should have prophecy and should know all mysteries, and all knowledge, and if I should have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3 And if I should distribute all my goods to feed the poor, and if I should deliver my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4 Charity is patient, is kind: charity envieth not, dealeth not perversely; is not puffed up;

5 Is not ambitious, seeketh not her own, is not provoked to anger, thinketh no evil;

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth with the truth;

**7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
**
8 Charity never falleth away: whether prophecies shall be made void, or tongues shall cease, or knowledge shall be destroyed.

9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10 But when that which is perfect is come, that which is in part shall be done away.

11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But, when I became a man, I put away the things of a child.

12 We see now through a glass in a dark manner; but then face to face. Now I know I part; but then I shall know even as I am known.

13 And now there remain faith, hope, and charity, these three: but the greatest of these is charity.

Remember that respect for our parents is not because they deserve our respect but because god deserves his commandment honored. It sounds like she is more deluding herself than injuring you anyway.

 

[Marybeloved]

1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak with the tongues of men, and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

2 And if I should have prophecy and should know all mysteries, and all knowledge, and if I should have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3 And if I should distribute all my goods to feed the poor, and if I should deliver my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4 Charity is patient, is kind: charity envieth not, dealeth not perversely; is not puffed up;

5 Is not ambitious, seeketh not her own, is not provoked to anger, thinketh no evil;

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth with the truth;

**7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
**
8 Charity never falleth away: whether prophecies shall be made void, or tongues shall cease, or knowledge shall be destroyed.

9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10 But when that which is perfect is come, that which is in part shall be done away.

11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But, when I became a man, I put away the things of a child.

12 We see now through a glass in a dark manner; but then face to face. Now I know I part; but then I shall know even as I am known.

13 And now there remain faith, hope, and charity, these three: but the greatest of these is charity.

Remember that respect for our parents is not because they deserve our respect but because god deserves his commandment honored. It sounds like she is more deluding herself than injuring you anyway.

I calmed down and the frustration has mostly subsided. Interesting you should say these things, I actually said to her that She did not deserve my respect because she was constantly disrespecting me… I guess I was in a lot of anger. The thing is, me and my mom have had many issues in the past regarding boundaries and a lot of fights about it.

I suppose I over-reacted, but honestly when I found out I just flipped out. I couldn’t even accept her apology because it seemed false because she will do it again. But you’re right, that respect for parents is owed to God, not about deserving. I guess the issue is about my perception of her disrespect for me.

 

[lauraabarlow]

My situation with parental respect is different in a way-my ex-husband abandoned me when I was nealy 8 months pregnant with #3 in 2002. Not sure what my ex-husband told my dad but he turned against me and disowned me-partly over my other son who has autism. Both blames my parenting for it, never-mind that I also have mild aspergers-at least I had autistic traits as a child. I do pray for my father and not wish bad upon him yet have no communication with him. I had to break off contact-mentally, I was having anxiety issues and fell into deep depression with negative and toxic relationship-and was advised to not let him bring me down. When my dad in court turned against me, I sent for criminal record on my dad, and learned that he had a long rap sheet, so I just gave it all to God and left things alone. He also turned against his own sister (they used to be extremely close). I guess I was put in a position where I had really no choice but to have no contact and to go on with my life the best I can. I really have no family, just friends and church. I am in the air force reserves and have support from the air force side of the house as well-so how do you respect a parent that turned against you?
I need to mention that as a child with problems-he was there for me. My mom was alive then and maybe she influenced him to where he was there for me-of course, I sensed feeling like I was in the way with him (not my mom).

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Does she have an independent friendship with this guy, or is her communication with him based on his interest in you? I get the impression, but I’m not completely clear if her going behind your back is to encourage him about having a future with you?

Technically, she “has the right” to do whatever she wants, but she SHOULD stop communicating with him. Unless there is a pressing reason for them to have an independent relationship, it IS disrespectful of her to maintain a friendship with a creepy suitor of yours. But I would be more concerned with trust than disrespect. You have made it clear that you are uncomfortable with him, and even so she is not just disrespecting your boundaries, but doing it behind your back. She is putting his wishes and her fantasy (of a relationship between the two of you) before consideration of your feelings or your well being. Sorry but that is sick and twisted. You should be able to trust a mother to back you up and to be protective of your boundaries. I’m glad you are an adult, because I wouldn’t trust a person like that to protect a child from a predator. In a sense, hopefully not in a dangerous way though, that is exactly what is happening - she is basically pimping you to this guy. I wouldn’t have a problem telling her so, and making it clear that going behind my back about stuff like this has caused me to not trust her anymore, which is really sad, because you could really use a mom who you can trust.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

So you shut this guy down, and he starts communicating with your MOTHER??? The red flag is now 6 x 6 ft and glowing bright red!!! That is the mark of an abuser - he will switch his focus to someone whom he thinks will be able to influence you back toward him. I am sorry that your mother cannot see this for what it is. He is still “peeing on your territory” by continuing to text/chat/talk to your mother. Explain to her that he is manipulating her and at the same time, giving you the middle finger, and hoping to get back into your life through your mom. I know the tricks very well. You did good to get this freak out of your life. I am sorry that your mother doesn’t understand what is happening.

 

[Marybeloved]

Does she have an independent friendship with this guy, or is her communication with him based on his interest in you?

No, she met him the same time I did, and it was pretty clear that when he came home, he was coming to see me. I went out with him twice and conversed on the phone with him for a month before I decided totally that I wanted nothing to do with him. One other thing, I did not initially want to see him at all, and said so. Somehow, my mother got my big sister, to talk me into seeing him, “Just to see if it lead anywhere”. I felt fishy about him from the beginning and I did not even want a date. But I was in my mid-twenties and not really experienced with men at an age that I was “supposed” to be engaged or married, and my family was worried that I had no interest in men at all. They encouraged me to make a decision at least after getting to know him a little, so I over-rode my intuition and agreed to exchange numbers and see him. I always regret doing so, because he harassed me after the first month of me saying, “No thanks” and now it appears, is still doing so through my mother.

I get the impression, but I’m not completely clear if her going behind your back is to encourage him about having a future with you?

That is exactly it. This guy ONLY began texting my mother after it became clear that I simply was not going to have any communication with him directly. At first, I told him directly (but on the phone) that I was not interested in seeing him, which turned into drawn out conversations of trying to convince me that I was wrong/unfair in my decision. He knows a girl who stays with us (how we met) and he would use her to tell me how terribly he was suffering, crying etc. I told her he was ill because, we only saw each other twice and had no relationship. I picked up a few phone calls to explain until I realized he simply was not the kind to take no for an answer. So I told him I would not be taking his calls or answering his texts any more- I didn’t.

But that did not stop him. After a few weeks, I blocked his number. He tried using his friends’ phones, but as soon as I would hear his voice, I’d hang up. He’d stay away for a few weeks then start with the texting and calling. He came home (invited by my mom and his friend who lives with us) twice (2 days apart) in the Christmas of 2010 and both times, I saw him coming and left and stayed in my room till he left, then called him to give him a piece of my mind.

The job saga gave him an opening (again through his friend), but I told him that I would not tolerate anymore unwanted intrusions into my life and he got really childish and nasty and I hang up. Then he started texting my mother.

Long story cut short, only after the last rejection (the finding me a job saga) where I told him I was really sick of his persitence (harassment) did he suddenly become “friends” with my mom and started texting her.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

The job saga gave him an opening (again through his friend), but I told him that I would not tolerate anymore unwanted intrusions into my life and he got really childish and nasty and I hang up. Then he started texting my mother.

Long story cut short, only after the last rejection (the finding me a job saga) where I told him I was really sick of his persitence (harassment) did he suddenly become “friends” with my mom and started texting her.

You need to make sure your mother understands everything that you’ve communicated on this thread. Once that’s done, you should tell her that if she continues to talk with this man, you don’t want to know anything about it.

Luna

 

[TheRealJuliane]

No, she met him the same time I did, and it was pretty clear that when he came home, he was coming to see me. I went out with him twice and conversed on the phone with him for a month before I decided totally that I wanted nothing to do with him. One other thing, I did not initially want to see him at all, and said so. Somehow, my mother got my big sister, to talk me into seeing him, “Just to see if it lead anywhere”. I felt fishy about him from the beginning and I did not even want a date. But I was in my mid-twenties and not really experienced with men at an age that I was “supposed” to be engaged or married, and my family was worried that I had no interest in men at all. They encouraged me to make a decision at least after getting to know him a little, so I over-rode my intuition and agreed to exchange numbers and see him. I always regret doing so, because he harassed me after the first month of me saying, “No thanks” and now it appears, is still doing so through my mother.That is exactly it. This guy ONLY began texting my mother after it became clear that I simply was not going to have any communication with him directly. At first, I told him directly (but on the phone) that I was not interested in seeing him, which turned into drawn out conversations of trying to convince me that I was wrong/unfair in my decision. He knows a girl who stays with us (how we met) and he would use her to tell me how terribly he was suffering, crying etc. I told her he was ill because, we only saw each other twice and had no relationship. I picked up a few phone calls to explain until I realized he simply was not the kind to take no for an answer. So I told him I would not be taking his calls or answering his texts any more- I didn’t.

But that did not stop him. After a few weeks, I blocked his number. He tried using his friends’ phones, but as soon as I would hear his voice, I’d hang up. He’d stay away for a few weeks then start with the texting and calling. He came home (invited by my mom and his friend who lives with us) twice (2 days apart) in the Christmas of 2010 and both times, I saw him coming and left and stayed in my room till he left, then called him to give him a piece of my mind.

The job saga gave him an opening (again through his friend), but I told him that I would not tolerate anymore unwanted intrusions into my life and he got really childish and nasty and I hang up. Then he started texting my mother.

Long story cut short, only after the last rejection (the finding me a job saga) where I told him I was really sick of his persitence (harassment) did he suddenly become “friends” with my mom and started texting her.

Does your mother understand what stalkers do?

 

[promethius]

You need to make sure your mother understands everything that you’ve communicated on this thread. Once that’s done, you should tell her that if she continues to talk with this man, you don’t want to know anything about it.

Luna

This. And she needs to apologize to her mother as well.

While it may not be the BEST decision to continue talking to this guy, it’s also not against the mother’s perogative to do so. The OP has a duty, commanded by GOD on penalty of mortal sin, to honor her father and mother appropriately. “Flipping out” on one’s mother because she received a text and responded to it on a holiday is inappropriate… in fact, it’s inappropriate even if the mother is maintaining even more solid contact with this guy.

What the OP needs to do is to heartily apologize to her mother, explain all the behavior that she has witness and explain (CALMLY) all the things she has told us here. Inform her mother that he’s a creeper and it would be safer not to be in contact with him at all. Finally, she should respectfully inform her mother that if she is going to maintain contact that she doesn’t want to know anything about this guy and doesn’t want any messages passed on from him… and that’s it. If the mother cannot resist passing on messages from the guy, then the OP should reduce contact RESPECTFULLY with her mother until such time as no more messages are passed on… but there is no justification to treat the mother of this situation in the way that she has been treated.

 

[shainski]

While it may not be the BEST decision to continue talking to this guy, it’s also not against the mother’s perogative to do so. The OP has a duty, commanded by GOD on penalty of mortal sin, to honor her father and mother appropriately. “Flipping out” on one’s mother because she received a text and responded to it on a holiday is inappropriate… in fact, it’s inappropriate even if the mother is maintaining even more solid contact with this guy.

Is it true that “honoring thy mother and father” means that even as an adult, you must abide by an invasion of ones own privacy?

Now, i noticed that OP is from another country and so probably a different culture. I generally withhold my own thoughts on these kinds issues because i know that i might cause damage using my own American perspective.

I am also male, so perhaps i look at this in a different light.

But if my parent did this against my spoken wishes, i would make it clear to that parent that i would no longer be able to share personal information about my dating life with that parent. It would feel like a major violation with me.

Now, if the parent had a well established relationship with the individual - for example, if i had been married and had children and then divorced. I might have to accept that my parents and siblings may want to deal with the mother of their grandchild/niece/nephew - and they may even maintain a social interaction that i don’t like.

But, in this case, I would not be able to abide my parent interfering with my wishes.

 

[promethius]

Is it true that “honoring thy mother and father” means that even as an adult, you must abide by an invasion of ones own privacy?

The mother is not invading this girl’s privacy, the mother was carrying on a private text exchange with this man, which the daughter then became aware of while looking through her mother’s phone for another reason. The mother said nothing to the daughter about the man… and yet the daughter chose to “flip out” on the mother.

Now, i noticed that OP is from another country and so probably a different culture. I generally withhold my own thoughts on these kinds issues because i know that i might cause damage using my own American perspective.

Fortunately for my argument, the stricture to “honor thy father and mother” is a universal commandment given by God… It’s international, baby!

But if my parent did this against my spoken wishes, i would make it clear to that parent that i would no longer be able to share personal information about my dating life with that parent. It would feel like a major violation with me.

Now, if the parent had a well established relationship with the individual - for example, if i had been married and had children and then divorced. I might have to accept that my parents and siblings may want to deal with the mother of their grandchild/niece/nephew - and they may even maintain a social interaction that i don’t like.

It is your right to limit what information you share, as an adult, with your parents regarding your dating life… provided that you are RESPECTFUL about doing so.

But, in this case, I would not be able to abide my parent interfering with my wishes.

This, however, is incorrect. No child has the right to tell their parents whom they can and cannot carry on a private text exchange or phone conversation with. Your wishes as to who your parents are “allowed to talk to” are irrelevant and not a justification to mistreat your parents (and that goes for the OP as well). Children do not task their parents any more than I task my boss with what to do.

 

[Marybeloved]

Does your mother understand what stalkers do?

My mother believes that such persistent pursuing after a woman after constant rejection is “proof of love”- I tell her it’s proof of insanity and/or psychological issues, but we are just worlds apart in the way we see things.

 

[Marybeloved]

The mother is not invading this girl’s privacy, the mother was carrying on a private text exchange with this man, which the daughter then became aware of while looking through her mother’s phone for another reason. The mother said nothing to the daughter about the man… and yet the daughter chose to “flip out” on the mother.

Fortunately for my argument, the stricture to “honor thy father and mother” is a universal commandment given by God… It’s international, baby!

It is your right to limit what information you share, as an adult, with your parents regarding your dating life… provided that you are RESPECTFUL about doing so.

This, however, is incorrect. No child has the right to tell their parents whom they can and cannot carry on a private text exchange or phone conversation with. Your wishes as to who your parents are “allowed to talk to” are irrelevant and not a justification to mistreat your parents (and that goes for the OP as well). Children do not task their parents any more than I task my boss with what to do.

I get your insistence on maintaining respect in our interactions with our parents- no arguments there from me- in fact, I already apologized to my mother for the things I said.

But your point about her having a right to carry on a relationship with a man who is harassing me, knowing fully well that she’s encouraging his attempts at forcing his way into my life when she has no personal connections with him apart from me? I’m sorry, you’re just plain wrong. A man is harassing the hell out of me and I do everything to keep him away from me and you think that my closest family has a right to sabotage my efforts to keep him from intruding into my life instead of supporting me? This advice I just will not accept, my friend. No offence.

 

[Marybeloved]

Children do not task their parents any more than I task my boss with what to do.

Do you honestly believe that the relationship between parents and their children, adult or little, is the same as that of a boss and his employees? Seriously? Even Jesus differentiated between a servant and a son. Are you talking about some type of military family where family relationships consists in issuance of orders and compliance? I know I must respect my parents, per Catholic morality. But doesn’t the Bible also forbid parents from provoking their children to anger? You basically say here that parents have no obligations of respect to their children, relative to the ages of their children. That’s not the model of a family I was taught was Christian.

 

[EasterJoy]

I get your insistence on maintaining respect in our interactions with our parents- no arguments there from me- in fact, I already apologized to my mother for the things I said.

But your point about her having a right to carry on a relationship with a man who is harassing me, knowing fully well that she’s encouraging his attempts at forcing his way into my life when she has no personal connections with him apart from me? I’m sorry, you’re just plain wrong. A man is harassing the hell out of me and I do everything to keep him away from me and you think that my closest family has a right to sabotage my efforts to keep him from intruding into my life instead of supporting me? This advice I just will not accept, my friend. No offence.

With most people I know, boundaries with their parents are maintained by respectfully refusing interactions where you are not being treated like an adult, especially when parents try to ignore, take over, or inappropriately influence decisions that are rightfully yours to make.

IOW, you may let your mother know that she has two choices: Show respect to you that the decisions that are yours to make truly are yours to make and only yours to make, or else totally forfeit the likelihood that you will consult her for support or her opinions during the decision-making process. She can make her own choices accordingly. Accept that you won’t always like those choices, and try to maintain a relationship that is peaceful on other fronts. Stick to your guns when it comes to your boundaries, but let your points of difference influence the rest of your relationship as little as reasonably possible. In that way, you will have established the moral ground upon which to respectfully take actions of your own that she strongly disagrees with.

And yes, that means that you can tell her that if Mr. X ever remotely had any chance with you, his choice to try to go through her in order to get to you has ruined that completely. After all, the point is not just that your mother has acted inappropriately. The young man has totally disregarded your wishes, as well, and did so by forming an alliance with your mother in order to gang up on you with the goal of bending your will to submit to theirs! That is not a pattern you have any intention of ever tolerating in a man who hopes to be your husband!

On that account, you might tell her to warn any future suitors that she likes about how you feel about these “end runs”, so that they can conduct their pursuit of you accordingly: that is to say, with you directly, and not through alliances meant to over-ride your right to decide for yourself. If she chooses not to do so, it will not just be she who suffers from not reaching her intended goal, but any young man whose case she had hoped to champion. What she does with that piece of tactical advice is up to her!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My mother believes that such persistent pursuing after a woman after constant rejection is “proof of love”- I tell her it’s proof of insanity and/or psychological issues, but we are just worlds apart in the way we see things.

I was afraid of that.



Obviously this man knows where he can go to get positive reinforcement for his obsessive interest in you.

I would limit contact with Mom from now on.

 

[promethius]

I get your insistence on maintaining respect in our interactions with our parents- no arguments there from me- in fact, I already apologized to my mother for the things I said.

That’s a good first step.

But your point about her having a right to carry on a relationship with a man who is harassing me, knowing fully well that she’s encouraging his attempts at forcing his way into my life when she has no personal connections with him apart from me?I’m sorry, you’re just plain wrong.

Her receiving a private text message and responding on a holiday, which you only found out about because you went through her phone, is hardly her intruding on your life. Sue her in court and you’ll quickly find out that when it comes to private communications that I am correct in stating you have no legal right to limit your mother’s communications.

A man is harassing the hell out of me and I do everything to keep him away from me and you think that my closest family has a right to sabotage my efforts to keep him from intruding into my life instead of supporting me? This advice I just will not accept, my friend. No offence.

Erm… first, if he’s not talking to you and your mother isn’t passing anything of his messages on to you, assuming he has even asked her to (you didn’t say the contents of his message you found), then he’s no longer harrassing you.

Second, you haven’t told us that you’ve taken out a restraining order against him. I would suggest you do this… precisely because it will make it illegal for him to ask your mother to pass you a message. He will still legally be allowed to talk to your mother as he pleases, but not to bother you, even using others as a proxy. Until you’ve done this, you haven’t done “everything to keep him away”.

Finally, you only found out about this because you went through your mother’s phone. that’s hardly her sabotaging you. That’s her having private communications with someone.

Do you honestly believe that the relationship between parents and their children, adult or little, is the same as that of a boss and his employees? Seriously? Even Jesus differentiated between a servant and a son. Are you talking about some type of military family where family relationships consists in issuance of orders and compliance? I know I must respect my parents, per Catholic morality.

That is precisely what I’m saying… a five year old does not get to tell their parents it’s past their bedtime, or that they can’t watch TV until they’ve brushed their teeth. A teenager does not get to set a curfew for their parents, and an adult child does not get to tell their parents whom they can maintain private conversations with.

You have utterly no right to try and control your mom’s private friendships. The only relationship you CAN control is your relationship with your mother. So pursue your restraining order against the guy if he really hasn’t left you alone, and tell your mother not to pass messages from him (since that would be illegal on his part), and also respectfully tell your mother that you’re going to refuse to take part in conversations about dating.

But don’t ever presume that you can tell your mother who she is allowed to keep as a friend (with the sole caveat of if your mother ever has need to become your dependent).

But doesn’t the Bible also forbid parents from provoking their children to anger?

The correct verse is Ephesians 6:4 -
4And you, fathers, provoke not your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and correction of the Lord.

This has little to do with allowing children to control a household, the parent’s relationships with others, or anything of the sort and has everything to do with not abusing children when giving correction. It should never be used as a justification to blame parents for causing one to “flip out” on them.

You basically say here that parents have no obligations of respect to their children, relative to the ages of their children. That’s not the model of a family I was taught was Christian.

That is not at all what I have said. What I have said is that while parents have a duty to respect their children, they have no duty to respect the illigitimate wishes of those children… illigitimate wishes such as trying to control or limit private communications between two consenting adults.

If you were taught that children are allowed to use a verse of the bible out of context to seize control of the family under the pretense that parents are never allowed to do anything that could upset their children, then you were taught incorrectly.

 

[promethius]

Honoring your mother is something all of us are commanded by God to do, however we do not honor our parents when we honor them in their sins. The question is…is your mother’s behavior sinful? Well in my opinion it could very well be.

You did not honor your mother by losing your temper so it is good that you apologized for that. However your mother is encouraging someone to pursue you that you (as an adult) have deemed an odd person that you are very leery of to the point where you don’t take his calls and have blocked his number. You do NOT need to honor your mother in this behavior. There is nothing wrong from putting healthy distance between you and your mother because of her actions. I find her actions very strange indeed, and it makes me wonder what other strange things she has done because her behavior is not typically that of a protective mother just my thoughts. God bless.

First, the OP never stated what the contents of the text messages she discovered while going through her mother’s phone were… so we have no idea if this guy is trying to use the mother to get to her.

Second, whatever the messages contained, the mother did NOT pass that on to the OP, so it’s apparent that the mother was not continuing to force contact with the man.

Third, the assumptions you make about the mother off of this one viewpoint, while offering the mother no chance to defend herself, and no allowance given that she’s not here to defend herself, are themselves forbidden by the catechism’s teaching on rash judgement. To wit:

2477 Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury.278** He becomes guilty:**

- of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;

• of *detraction *who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;279
• of *calumny *who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.

2478 To avoid rash judgment, everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way:
Every good Christian ought to be more ready to give a favorable interpretation to another’s statement than to condemn it. But if he cannot do so, let him ask how the other understands it. And if the latter understands it badly, let the former correct him with love. If that does not suffice, let the Christian try all suitable ways to bring the other to a correct interpretation so that he may be saved.280

 

[agnes_therese]

First, the OP never stated what the contents of the text messages she discovered while going through her mother’s phone were… so we have no idea if this guy is trying to use the mother to get to her.

Given his history, it’s not an unreasonable suspicion. He shows all the signs of a stalker. Perhaps you’re fortunate enough never to have been stalked; if you had, you’d be more understanding.