Divided loyalties in my family

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JackVk

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My brother and I are both living at home (he’s 25, I’m 24). My brother bought a gun some time ago, and sometimes goes shooting with his friends. My mom doesn’t like it when he does; today, she told me to tell her if I know he has a gun. She threatens to take away his car and make him pay her back his college tuition if she finds out.

I think my brother has told my dad as well. Both of us intend on getting our own places within the year or so.

When my mom told me what she wants me to do, I said nothing. I don’t want to lie for my brother, but I don’t want to snitch on him, either. Not only that, but I don’t want to be responsible for putting him thousands of dollars in debt to my mom and taking away his means of conveyance (he just got a big boy job as a hospital lab tech).

Any suggestions on what I should do? My current plan is to plead the 5th Amendment for as long as I can. Sometimes I wonder if my mom is just being a control freak; my brother is an adult and capable of making his own decisions. But am I lying by omission if I say nothing?
 
Assuming your brother is not mentally ill or violent, I think you are doing the right thing by keeping your silence about this. This is between your brother and your mother. She shouldn’t be trying to manipulate you into snitching on your brother.
 
jmjZelie said:
Assuming your brother is not mentally ill or violent, I think you are doing the right thing by keeping your silence about this. This is between your brother and your mother. She shouldn’t be trying to manipulate you into snitching on your brother.
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I agree about the snitching. I don’t understand the disrespect that your brother is showing towards your Mom. If she doesn’t want guns in her house, that is her decision and those who don’t agree should not be living there for free.🤷
 
kozlosap said:
I agree about the snitching. I don’t understand the disrespect that your brother is showing towards your Mom. If she doesn’t want guns in her house, that is her decision and those who don’t agree should not be living there for free.🤷
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He just told me his friend has it now. So I guess it’s a non-issue now?
 
JackVk said:
My brother and I are both living at home (he’s 25, I’m 24). My brother bought a gun some time ago, and sometimes goes shooting with his friends. My mom doesn’t like it when he does; today, she told me to tell her if I know he has a gun. She threatens to take away his car and make him pay her back his college tuition if she finds out.

I think my brother has told my dad as well. Both of us intend on getting our own places within the year or so.

When my mom told me what she wants me to do, I said nothing. I don’t want to lie for my brother, but I don’t want to snitch on him, either. Not only that, but I don’t want to be responsible for putting him thousands of dollars in debt to my mom and taking away his means of conveyance (he just got a big boy job as a hospital lab tech).

Any suggestions on what I should do? My current plan is to plead the 5th Amendment for as long as I can. Sometimes I wonder if my mom is just being a control freak; my brother is an adult and capable of making his own decisions. But am I lying by omission if I say nothing?
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  1. You can tell your brother what your mom told you.
  2. She can’t “make him” pay back his college, unless she’s got some sort of written contract with him. If she paid for it, it’s paid for, and if she cosigned on loans, she’s on those loans.
  3. If your brother sells or gives the gun to his friend, he won’t have a gun anymore.
  4. Your mom does have every right to control what is going on under her roof. So if your brother had a gun at home, I think you would be morally obligated to inform her.
  5. I don’t really believe in “lying by omission.” You didn’t say “he has no gun.” In fact, if your mom is even the littlest bit savvy, she may have already guessed he has a gun.
  6. If you have any concerns about your brother’s safety practices or mental health, I think you should tell your parents about the gun.
 
Xantippe said:
  1. You can tell your brother what your mom told you.
  2. She can’t “make him” pay back his college, unless she’s got some sort of written contract with him. If she paid for it, it’s paid for, and if she cosigned on loans, she’s on those loans.
  3. If your brother sells or gives the gun to his friend, he won’t have a gun anymore.
  4. Your mom does have every right to control what is going on under her roof. So if your brother had a gun at home, I think you would be morally obligated to inform her.
  5. I don’t really believe in “lying by omission.” You didn’t say “he has no gun.” In fact, if your mom is even the littlest bit savvy, she may have already guessed he has a gun.
  6. If you have any concerns about your brother’s safety practices or mental health, I think you should tell your parents about the gun.
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I agree with Xantippe’s points!
 
I think that, when your mom asks about this again, I would distract her by explaining the merits of gun ownership (like the reasons your brother owns the gun) without actually saying that your brother owns a gun.

Not only does this plan change the subject, but it might help your mother understand better why gun ownership isn’t necessarily a bad thing, just in case she does find out, or your brother wants to tell her.

Christi pax,

Lucretius
 
JackVk said:
My brother and I are both living at home (he’s 25, I’m 24). My brother bought a gun some time ago, and sometimes goes shooting with his friends. My mom doesn’t like it when he does; today, she told me to tell her if I know he has a gun. She threatens to take away his car and make him pay her back his college tuition if she finds out.

I think my brother has told my dad as well. Both of us intend on getting our own places within the year or so.

When my mom told me what she wants me to do, I said nothing. I don’t want to lie for my brother, but I don’t want to snitch on him, either. Not only that, but I don’t want to be responsible for putting him thousands of dollars in debt to my mom and taking away his means of conveyance (he just got a big boy job as a hospital lab tech).

Any suggestions on what I should do? My current plan is to plead the 5th Amendment for as long as I can. Sometimes I wonder if my mom is just being a control freak; my brother is an adult and capable of making his own decisions. But am I lying by omission if I say nothing?
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I support your brother owning a gun. I think your mom has an uneducated irrational fear of guns. I also think that if your brother wants a gun he can have one in his own house when he is his own man.
 
Xantippe said:
  1. You can tell your brother what your mom told you.
  2. She can’t “make him” pay back his college, unless she’s got some sort of written contract with him. If she paid for it, it’s paid for, and if she cosigned on loans, she’s on those loans.
  3. If your brother sells or gives the gun to his friend, he won’t have a gun anymore.
  4. Your mom does have every right to control what is going on under her roof. So if your brother had a gun at home, I think you would be morally obligated to inform her.
  5. I don’t really believe in “lying by omission.” You didn’t say “he has no gun.” In fact, if your mom is even the littlest bit savvy, she may have already guessed he has a gun.
  6. If you have any concerns about your brother’s safety practices or mental health, I think you should tell your parents about the gun.
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I agree. I wouldn’t feel comfortable in my house knowing someone had a gun without my permission. Tell your brother what your mother told you and let him deal with it. I wouldn’t be surprised if your mother hasn’t guessed, but it isn’t fair of her to put you in this situation.

Lou
 
JackVk said:
I think my brother has told my dad as well.
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If your dad knows about it, what does he think about it? Why would he not be able to serve as a “check and balance” if he is OK with it?
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I support your brother owning a gun. I think your mom has an uneducated irrational fear of guns. I also think that if your brother wants a gun he can have one in his own house when he is his own man.
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My DH was a police officer for more than 25 years and carried a gun, on duty and off.

He hates guns and won’t have one in his house. He is by no means uneducated or irrational in his dislike of guns. Rather he is very aware of the devastation they can bring.

Unless you know the OP’s mother personally, calling her refusal to have them in her house or to support someone who wants one uneducated and irrational is no t justified or charitable.
 
JackVk said:
My brother and I are both living at home (he’s 25, I’m 24). My brother bought a gun some time ago, and sometimes goes shooting with his friends. My mom doesn’t like it when he does; today, she told me to tell her if I know he has a gun. She threatens to take away his car and make him pay her back his college tuition if she finds out.

I think my brother has told my dad as well. Both of us intend on getting our own places within the year or so.

When my mom told me what she wants me to do, I said nothing. I don’t want to lie for my brother, but I don’t want to snitch on him, either. Not only that, but I don’t want to be responsible for putting him thousands of dollars in debt to my mom and taking away his means of conveyance (he just got a big boy job as a hospital lab tech).

Any suggestions on what I should do? My current plan is to plead the 5th Amendment for as long as I can. Sometimes I wonder if my mom is just being a control freak; my brother is an adult and capable of making his own decisions. But am I lying by omission if I say nothing?
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Since you and your brother are both adults , and I assume , he has no mental health issues it sounds like she is being a bit manipulative … I personally wouldn’t mention in unless you have fears for anyone’s safety (Including his)
 
Your mom should not be trying to drag you into an issue that does not involve you. It’s a psychological technique called triangulation. Instead of her asking brother directly, she wants to soften the news she hears by asking you.

You have every right to say that this issue does not involve you and that you would like to remain uninvolved.
 
1990Domer said:
Your mom should not be trying to drag you into an issue that does not involve you. It’s a psychological technique called triangulation. Instead of her asking brother directly, she wants to soften the news she hears by asking you.

You have every right to say that this issue does not involve you and that you would like to remain uninvolved.
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Right.
 
Lou2U said:
I agree. I wouldn’t feel comfortable in my house knowing someone had a gun without my permission. Tell your brother what your mother told you and let him deal with it. I wouldn’t be surprised if your mother hasn’t guessed, but it isn’t fair of her to put you in this situation.

Lou
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phantom87 said:
Since you and your brother are both adults , and I assume , he has no mental health issues it sounds like she is being a bit manipulative … I personally wouldn’t mention in unless you have fears for anyone’s safety (Including his)
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This is your mother’s home. She has a right to know whether or not a gun is in HER house. It isn’t fair of your BROTHER to put you in this situation. Your mother didn’t put you in this situation. He is the one who asked you to lie about it. You can tell your mom you don’t feel comfortable in this position, and to discuss it with him, but do not lie to your mother. Again, this is HER house. She might have other concerns that she hasn’t shared with you that bolster her position. She doesn’t need to; it might make it easier, but she doesn’t owe it.

I’m not sure where exactly you are, but KC is becoming a more violent city, and I can understand why she wouldn’t want a gun in her house. I do have a gun in our house, but if my husband didn’t want one here, I would respect his wishes. She doesn’t have to answer to anyone but God and her husband about her desire for no gun in the house, not even her children. I am also concerned about the fact that he ‘gave’ it to someone else. It’s just a tough time in the 21st century, guns or not.

Be safe. Respect and honor your mother and father.
 
ccmcmg said:
This is your mother’s home. She has a right to know whether or not a gun is in HER house. It isn’t fair of your BROTHER to put you in this situation. Your mother didn’t put you in this situation. He is the one who asked you to lie about it. You can tell your mom you don’t feel comfortable in this position, and to discuss it with him, but do not lie to your mother. Again, this is HER house. She might have other concerns that she hasn’t shared with you that bolster her position. She doesn’t need to; it might make it easier, but she doesn’t owe it.

I’m not sure where exactly you are, but KC is becoming a more violent city, and I can understand why she wouldn’t want a gun in her house. I do have a gun in our house, but if my husband didn’t want one here, I would respect his wishes. She doesn’t have to answer to anyone but God and her husband about her desire for no gun in the house, not even her children. I am also concerned about the fact that he ‘gave’ it to someone else. It’s just a tough time in the 21st century, guns or not.

Be safe. Respect and honor your mother and father.
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What if the son paid rent and firearms was not addressed in a real lease or implied lease?
Does an adult person have a constitutional right to have a gun?
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
What if the son paid rent and firearms was not addressed in a real lease or implied lease?
Does an adult person have a constitutional right to have a gun?
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He said that they are living at home. This is not an apartment building, nor is it a regular landlord. What the ‘law’ may say about it, the moral duty is to respect your parents and abide by their wishes when living under their roof, unless it is something that violates God’s Law.
 
ccmcmg said:
He said that they are living at home. This is not an apartment building, nor is it a regular landlord. What the ‘law’ may say about it, the moral duty is to respect your parents and abide by their wishes when living under their roof, unless it is something that violates God’s Law.
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I know and I agree. But it is an interesting question regarding a constitutional right if an adult.

Ultimately if you want to be adult enough to have a gun in your home you need to move out of mommy’s house or abide by her rules.
Though from about age 14 on I’ve always had guns. Even though my mom was not real approving.

Op. What does dad say?
 
How about. “Mom, this sounds like a conversation you should have with dad.”
 
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