Divorced Women

[Magickman]

At my age, 60, divorced women form the overwhelming majority of the dating pool.

When I was younger, I did not date divorced women. That is still my preference.

As the years and decades crept by, though, the age appropriate, never married population of women has greatly dwindled. Now, even the single Catholic women are mostly divorced.

I am not dating for marriage, and date quite rarely. Most years, I do not meet, much less date, any single women.

Female companionship is still something I desire, although I am not well endowed with relationship skills.

The divorced women are suspicious of me, because I have not been previously married, nor am I a parent.

I was always so fearful, myself, of a bad marriage and divorce, that I determined never to marry.

Now, divorced women seem to be the only available dating partners.

Among these divorced women, what qualities should I look for? Should I insist that they be Catholic?

 

[adelore]

If you are Catholic, it’s sometimes easier dating a Catholic, but this doesn’t always mean dating someone out of the Catholic faith is a bad thing, as long as they respect your Catholic beliefs. Who knows you may find someone who is interested in the Catholic Faith.

As far as you never being married and no children, I don’t see what difference that makes, maybe marriage and children weren’t your calling at that time in your life. If you are still not interested in marriage and only want companionship/a friend I see nothing wrong with that, but not all women, (of course I’m not speaking for all women) might be looking for more than a casual date or friendship.

Marriage can be wonderful, sure there are divorces, but you shouldn’t judge “Marriage” by other’s divorces. There are hundereds and more couples who stay together for “Life”. It takes two people to make a marriage work, if Two people put God as the head of your household, then a Marriage will always work.

 

[newbetx]

Just look for friendship, not for anything more. Divorced women are only an issue if you are looking to marry. Friendship will carry you.

 

[DebChris]

Just look for friendship, not for anything more. Divorced women are only an issue if you are looking to marry. Friendship will carry you.

I am usually the person who sets the limit on the relationship. I let the man know that I still believe in the sanctity of marriage and that our relationship must remain platonic. I like it when the man is the one to set the limit from the outset; or better yet, when it is mutually set. My personal interests lead me to have many male friends. It helps when you know nothing more is expected.

 

[Tantum_ergo]

No offense, sugar, but some of us “divorced women” are faithful Catholics who happen to have decrees of nullity. IOW, we are perfectly free to marry in the Church. So don’t automatically assume “Oh she’s divorced, so she’s obviously not free and also a relationship loser already.”

I’m 53 and if I were interested in dating, umm, don’t y’all think the pool of men is rather heavily 'divorced men?" Plus, most of y’all (not all of course) want to date women about 20 years younger, so the men who’d want to be dating me would be in their 70s. The 50 year olds want to be dating 30 year old women. (again of course this is not every 50 year old male, but it is a large majority).

Tell y’all what. If I were looking for ‘companionship’ with no thought of any other relationship, I’d look for men and women of all ages who happened to share some of my interests. So if you want ‘companionship’ in that way, go join a local club.

If you’re thinking of ‘companionship and maybe a relationship’ and strictly opposite sex here, then look for the qualities that you absolutely need. If you’re a strong Catholic, then you want a strong Catholic as well. If your focus for the relationship is finding a person with whom your relationship will redound to God’s glory, well and good.

But if you’re going into a relationship idea thinking about all the ‘deal-breakers’ like, “She’s too heavy”, “too loud”, “too much jewelry”, “too mousy”, “too quiet”, “too much family”, “not enough family”, “out too much”, “not out enough”, “goes to church but not as much as I do”, “Goes to church too often”, “likes loud guitars at Mass”, “doesn’t like guitars at Mass”. . .well, y’all get the idea. You’re ‘shopping’ and that means you’re treating a person like a thing, and not a person. (Yes, we women are guilty of this too. Less on the ‘physical things’ but we tend to overlook men for some pretty shallow reasons too, sadly.)

But I wish you the best of luck in finding a relationship if that is what you truly desire, and if you have prayed, and it is God’s will.

 

[TedDC]

The divorced women are suspicious of me, because I have not been previously married, nor am I a parent.

Isn’t that sad? I read posts by younger Catholic women saying they won’t consider dating a divorced man, but older women (sometimes divorced themselves) often seem to see never-married men as a little creepy at best, potential perverts or child-molesters-in-waiting at worst.

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

No offense, sugar, but some of us “divorced women” are faithful Catholics who happen to have decrees of nullity. IOW, we are perfectly free to marry in the Church. So don’t automatically assume “Oh she’s divorced, so she’s obviously not free and also a relationship loser already.”

I’m 53 and if I were interested in dating, umm, don’t y’all think the pool of men is rather heavily 'divorced men?" Plus, most of y’all (not all of course) want to date women about 20 years younger, so the men who’d want to be dating me would be in their 70s. The 50 year olds want to be dating 30 year old women. (again of course this is not every 50 year old male, but it is a large majority).

Tell y’all what. If I were looking for ‘companionship’ with no thought of any other relationship, I’d look for men and women of all ages who happened to share some of my interests. So if you want ‘companionship’ in that way, go join a local club.

If you’re thinking of ‘companionship and maybe a relationship’ and strictly opposite sex here, then look for the qualities that you absolutely need. If you’re a strong Catholic, then you want a strong Catholic as well. If your focus for the relationship is finding a person with whom your relationship will redound to God’s glory, well and good.

But if you’re going into a relationship idea thinking about all the ‘deal-breakers’ like, “She’s too heavy”, “too loud”, “too much jewelry”, “too mousy”, “too quiet”, “too much family”, “not enough family”, “out too much”, “not out enough”, “goes to church but not as much as I do”, “Goes to church too often”, “likes loud guitars at Mass”, “doesn’t like guitars at Mass”. . .well, y’all get the idea. You’re ‘shopping’ and that means you’re treating a person like a thing, and not a person. (Yes, we women are guilty of this too. Less on the ‘physical things’ but we tend to overlook men for some pretty shallow reasons too, sadly.)

But I wish you the best of luck in finding a relationship if that is what you truly desire, and if you have prayed, and it is God’s will.

I am divorced… my husband abandoned his family for the other woman.
It wasnt my choice for this to happen.

My advice… dont be so judgemental. You have no idea what happened.

 

[ContegoFides]

Among these divorced women, what qualities should I look for? Should I insist that they be Catholic?

IMHO you should refocus. The question shouldn’t be what qualities you are looking for, the question is what does GOD want from you. If you are called to the vocation of marriage, then God will set the woman He wants you to marry straight in your path.

I would pray before the Blessed Sacrament alot. I wouldn’t exclude any women, except for those that are absolutely not available (married, ineligible due to young age, or divorced and lacking a decree of nullity). With these exceptions, I would worry not about race, divorced or widowed status, or anything else.

Of course, there are red flags that invite you to ask deeper questions: Why divorced? Mental or physical health issues? Addictions? Not devoutly Catholic? Any of these issues are serious and merit serious prayer and investigation. However, it is the LORD who whould guide your actual decision based on the women you meet (whether through a dating service or otherwise). Again, frequent prayer before the Blessed Sacrament and offering your WHOLE life to God will guide you well.

Who knows, maybe God is calling to to consecrated life even after all this time?

God Bless,

 

[Rascalking]

My advice… dont be so judgemental. You have no idea what happened.

With all due respect to the OP, I totally agree with StJudeprayforus.

We never, ever know what happend in the past. Leave it there.

 

[DebChris]

…
I was always so fearful, myself, of a bad marriage and divorce, that I determined never to marry…

Love casts out all fear. You might want to look at relationships from that point of view rather than fear. Decide what it is first and foremost that you are looking for in a relationship. The best relationship is one that begins with friendship and develops from there. You need to trust one another. As long as you fear the breakup, you will hold back on the trust necessary for the relationship to work.
It was never my plan to marry. Yet as a young woman I had certain criteria for the man I would marry. How did I know he was the right person? I discovered the qualities I sought within myself when I was with him. I take any vows I make very seriously. It took me a long time to say “yes” as I questioned my own readiness and willingness. I knew that my final decision was irrevocable. Had I entertained any doubts on the altar, I would have walked away. The married life is a vocation that requires prayer and discernment.
It’s true that my relationship did not last the lifetime I expected. I never feared or even considered the possibility of a divorce. It is faith in God and the strength he provides that gives me the strength I need each day to lead a single life, leaving the door slightly ajar for an improbable reconciliation.

 

[SarahR]

I would pray before the Blessed Sacrament alot. Again, frequent prayer before the Blessed Sacrament and offering your WHOLE life to God will guide you well.

(btw, I dislike this rather cheesy icon but I really do like this post)

 

[flyingfish]

Isn’t that sad? I read posts by younger Catholic women saying they won’t consider dating a divorced man, but older women (sometimes divorced themselves) often seem to see never-married men as a little creepy at best, potential perverts or child-molesters-in-waiting at worst.

It also makes sense, maybe there are some normal never married old guys, but for the vast majority there is a reason no woman ever wanted them, and there’s a reason the man never settled down himself. It is suspicious just like someone who never had any friends would be suspicious.

 

[TedDC]

It also makes sense, maybe there are some normal never married old guys, but for the vast majority there is a reason no woman ever wanted them, and there’s a reason the man never settled down himself. It is suspicious just like someone who never had any friends would be suspicious.

Two very cruel, uncharitable and ignorant statements.

 

[BMB]

I am divorced… my husband abandoned his family for the other woman.
It wasnt my choice for this to happen.

My advice… dont be so judgemental. You have no idea what happened.

Ditto. Same situation - I’m 45 and HATE the “she’s divorced” whispers. Annullment, though under consideration, is never guaranteed or even warranted in every case . Regardless, I doubt I will EVER trust a man beyond casual friendship but never-the-less DESPISE
being lumped into the “loser divorcee” pile without a second thought.

 

[flyingfish]

Two very cruel, uncharitable and ignorant statements.

It was not my intention to be cruel, I was just pointing out that the reaction of the women is understandable and reasonable.

He just has to work harder to convince them that he doesn’t have some fundamental character flaws that prevented him from ever finding a wife in the past. Maybe he can explain to them why he never married in terms that wouldn’t be off putting to them.

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

Ditto. Same situation - I’m 45 and HATE the “she’s divorced” whispers. Annullment, though under consideration, is never guaranteed or even warranted in every case . Regardless, I doubt I will EVER trust a man beyond casual friendship but never-the-less DESPISE
being lumped into the “loser divorcee” pile without a second thought.

Me too! I hate it.

I took my vows seriously… … my husband did not.

I hate hearing how single moms are the demise of society… I think men who abandon thier families are the demise of society… not the women that do the heavy lifting all by themselves.

I doubt I will ever trust a man ever again either.

 

[TedDC]

It was not my intention to be cruel, I was just pointing out that the reaction of the women is understandable and reasonable.

He just has to work harder to convince them that he doesn’t have some fundamental character flaws that prevented him from ever finding a wife in the past. Maybe he can explain to them why he never married in terms that wouldn’t be off putting to them.

Some men are simply too too physically unattractive to be marriageable. You know, the kinds of guys that make women go “Eeeewwww…”. They may be people of excellent character, who have no need to “explain” anything.

 

[flyingfish]

Some men are simply too too physically unattractive to be marriageable. You know, the kinds of guys that make women go “Eeeewwww…”. They may be people of excellent character, who have no need to “explain” anything.

I’m not saying all unmarried older men have bad character, just that it’s understandable why a woman might wonder about a man who is getting on in age and never married. Her first thought might be that this man is not commitment material and enjoyed chasing after women all his life. Or maybe it’s a guy with unrealistic expectation, who wants to marry a 20 year old model. Or maybe he is a cruel guy who’s driven women away. Those would be worries on my mind if I were a middle aged woman meeting a middle aged man who never had a wife.

Maybe the guy is simply introverted or was too involved in his work to think of a wife, he has to find a way to communicate that to the woman to calm her worries.

I don’t know about the kinds of guys that make women go “ewww”, most guys are quite unattractive, most of them also seem to have partners. It’s really quite rare to see a man who makes my head turn and I can’t stop looking at.

 

[newbetx]

Me too! I hate it.

I took my vows seriously… … my husband did not.

I hate hearing how single moms are the demise of society… I think men who abandon thier families are the demise of society… not the women that do the heavy lifting all by themselves.
.

Excellent note! Many men run away from home. It’s easier than working through things…

I doubt I will ever trust a man ever again either.

Respectfully, I don’t like being lumped into a bucket for what someone else did any more than you do.

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

Respectfully, I don’t like being lumped into a bucket for what someone else did any more than you do.

ah… point taken.