Divorced Women

[newbetx]

ah… point taken.

That’s better. There are plenty of selfish people out there. Male and female. I understand it hurts. But to never trust again is a bitter pill that will not get you to heaven. I don’t want anyone to end up like someone else I know, stewing in hate and resentment for the rest of their life.

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

That’s better. There are plenty of selfish people out there. Male and female. I understand it hurts. But to never trust again is a bitter pill that will not get you to heaven. I don’t want anyone to end up like someone else I know, stewing in hate and resentment for the rest of their life.

That makes me smile.

God bless you.

 

[Norseman82]

It also makes sense, maybe there are some normal never married old guys, but for the vast majority there is a reason no woman ever wanted them, and there’s a reason the man never settled down himself. It is suspicious just like someone who never had any friends would be suspicious.

Yeah, reasons like she is a pagan Jezebel slut or a CINO who doesn’t apprecite an upright Catholic guy who doesn’t want to endanger his faith by marrying someone who will lead him astray???

Why is it that women are told not to settle, but if men exercise the same caution they are
looked at suspiciously?

It has been said many times on this forum that it is exceedingly hard for practicing Catholics to find compatible spouses. Look around you. It’s pathetic. As one prominent Catholic singles blogger put it, the dating “pool” is “poisoned”.

And for you divorced women out there, yeah, I understand that we may not know the whole story, and that you may have been granted an annulment. However, that doesn’t change the fact that you may not have anything or enough in common with a never-married man; you would probably have more in common with a fellow divorced man with an annulment.

 

[flyingfish]

Why is it that women are told not to settle, but if men exercise the same caution they are
looked at suspiciously?

If a woman is 60 and has never been married and I were a man I would also have concerns why. Maybe there is more stigma around unmarried men in society. If a woman is unmarried people tend to assume that she’s trying to find a husband, but hasn’t been successful. If a man is unmarried, people may wonder that he might prefer sleeping around to marriage, is afraid of commitment and so on.

It’s also a fact about human beings that there are more men who engage in reckless, and even criminal behaviors than there are women. A man who is a loner might cause people anxiety about whether he’s dangerous, but a woman who is a loner would just be looked at as weird but harmless.

As an unrelated but interesting point, look at how people are reacting to the surplus of men in China. People worry that all these single men will lead to crime and social unrest. However, in countries affected by war it’s often there is a shortage of men, but you don’t see people worry that the surplus single women will wreak havoc in society.

For some reason single men make people nervous.

What’s a CINO?

 

[Ailina]

At my age, 60, divorced women form the overwhelming majority of the dating pool.

When I was younger, I did not date divorced women. That is still my preference.

As the years and decades crept by, though, the age appropriate, never married population of women has greatly dwindled. Now, even the single Catholic women are mostly divorced.

I am not dating for marriage, and date quite rarely. Most years, I do not meet, much less date, any single women.

Female companionship is still something I desire, although I am not well endowed with relationship skills.

The divorced women are suspicious of me, because I have not been previously married, nor am I a parent.

I was always so fearful, myself, of a bad marriage and divorce, that I determined never to marry.

Now, divorced women seem to be the only available dating partners.

Among these divorced women, what qualities should I look for? Should I insist that they be Catholic?

The top quality would be an ANNULLED Catholic women, since merely divorced ones are still considered married in the eyes of the Church.

 

[eucharisteo]

Dating? Hmmm. I don’t “date”. I might court, but not date. So I assume you are seeking female friendship. I’ve never understood “dating”. I courted my wife in that I visited her at her home with her parents there. My dad died when he was 61. A couple of years prior he had it in his head some 24 year old woman might be interested in him. I thought she probably thought he was a cute old man. I loved my dad, but his perception of women is what kept him in the state of mind he remained in until his tragic death, a stroke. Why not commit to some sort of ministry at this older age? Just my thoughts.

I guess there’s nothing wrong with “dating” as long as it remains chaste. I can’t imagine dating now if my wife dies, nor would I. My plans are to seek the priesthood if that happens, at least the diaconate.

 

[Magickman]

There is far too much suspicion and bitterness, between men and women.

Single, married, divorced, or widowed, we are all imperfect humans.

None of us, I think, is qualified to judge any of the others.

It is a vestige of my own youth, in a large midwestern parish, that led me to be phobic of marital dissolution. I grew up with a fear and distaste of divorce.

I recognize that I am not a very good candidate for marriage. That is not a function of my age, nor of my never married state. It is more a product of my weak faith and lack of trust.

It wasn’t my intention to start a war between the sexes. My being a perpetual bachelor does not make me better than a divorced person. Nor does it make me worse.

Over the years, I have dated a few divorced women. Unfortunately, things never worked out for me to establish a lasting relationship. But I cannot cast blame.

There is widespread belief, among previously married persons, that other previously married persons make better mates for them.

This attitude has made it more challenging for me, as an older single man, to secure a relationship partner.

In my opening post of this thread, I expressed my realization that divorced women constituted most of my dating pool, and asked, “Among these divorced women, what qualities should I look for? Should I insist that they be Catholic?”

I have lived alone for 35 years. But being alone is not my permanent ambition.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m reading from your posts that you are open to marriage, just not pursuing it aggressively? Because if you’re not open to marriage at all, then you shouldn’t be dating, but cultivating friendships. If you are discerning marriage, then your first criteria needs to be that the women’s marriages are annulled. A divorced woman shouldn’t even be dating you unless that is the case, and odds are better that the Catholic divorcee will have the annulment than the non-Catholic one. Only you can tell if a potential wife needs to be Catholic. Raising kids isn’t likely to be an issue, so it’s more a matter of personal and spiritual intimacy. It seems to me, that since you aren’t all that enthusiastic about marriage, maybe it would be best for you to work on the friendship thing. Maybe groups at church, volunteer organizations, or hobby groups would provide you with a pool of people from which to make friends. If love happens to strike from within a friendship, great. If love doesn’t strike, you might have some of that companionship that you crave.

 

[Just_Lurking]

What’s a CINO?

It’s a pejorative term for “Catholic In Name Only”, also called “cafeteria Catholic”.

 

[Magickman]

No, I am not a marriage seeker, although I am seeking a romantic partner.

My faith commitment is insufficiently strong to believe that not seeking marriage requires I not date.

I hardly engage in dating, because I am a poor player of the dating game. The whole dating thing is mainly a conundrum to me, something of which I have poor mastery.

 

[DebChris]

The top quality would be an ANNULLED Catholic women, since merely divorced ones are still considered married in the eyes of the Church.

When a man asks me to lunch or dinner, this is what I tell them. I am still married by virtue of the Sacrament of Matrimony. The limit is set. Our relationship will not move beyond platonic friendship. Of course it’s been a long time since this has actually happened.

No, I am not a marriage seeker, although I am seeking a romantic partner.

My faith commitment is insufficiently strong to believe that not seeking marriage requires I not date.

I hardly engage in dating, because I am a poor player of the dating game. The whole dating thing is mainly a conundrum to me, something of which I have poor mastery.

Let’s take this last point about “dating being a conundrum.” I have already stated that I have many male friends simply by virtue of my personal interests. Rather than “playing the dating game,” engage in those activities that you find interesting. Do you like to read? Reading is a solitary activity that can become social through membership in a book club. Instead of looking at “dating” as a goal and way to meet somebody, think instead of social networking. Enjoy the company of members of both genders while engaging in an activity you enjoy even if it’s watching the Olympics or other sports activity at the local pub. What types of activities are there in your parish? Is there a Bingo night? Is there a social group for single members? Are there St. Patrick’s Day dinners or K of C fish frys?
Join a gym.
You get the idea. Go for yourself without any agenda or expectation as to who will meet or what will happen. Engage in conversation. Allow friendships to develop. Just maybe one member of the opposite sex will stand out with whom you want to spend more time. That person will already be a friend with whom you share at least one interest in common.

How I met my husband. I was in college. I asked him about one of the classes I was taking. When I realized I had confused him with somebody in a different class, I walked away. He followed me. I was definitely not looking for a mate.

 

[newbetx]

There is far too much suspicion and bitterness, between men and women.

It is a vestige of my own youth, in a large midwestern parish, that led me to be phobic of marital dissolution. I grew up with a fear and distaste of divorce.

I recognize that I am not a very good candidate for marriage. … It is more a product of my weak faith and lack of trust.

It wasn’t my intention to start a war between the sexes. My being a perpetual bachelor does not make me better than a divorced person. Nor does it make me worse.

There is widespread belief, among previously married persons, that other previously married persons make better mates for them.

This attitude has made it more challenging for me, as an older single man, to secure a relationship partner.

In my opening post of this thread, I expressed my realization that divorced women constituted most of my dating pool, and asked, “Among these divorced women, what qualities should I look for? Should I insist that they be Catholic?”

I have lived alone for 35 years. But being alone is not my permanent ambition.

No, I am not a marriage seeker, although I am seeking a romantic partner.

My faith commitment is insufficiently strong to believe that not seeking marriage requires I not date.

I hardly engage in dating, because I am a poor player of the dating game.

Generally, excellent observations. Of course, they do tend to come with time and wisdom.

You didn’t start a war of the sexes. It has existed for a long time. Blame games, using games, games of all types help fulfill the fears and insecurities associated with it. Only by giving oneself to the other is such nonsense capable of being avoided. If it’s not mutual, the marriage can not thrive.

There is widespread belief, among previously married persons, that other previously married persons make better mates for them.

I guess it depends on the person. I’m on my second Marriage. Yes, the first was annulled. What did I learn from my first marriage? Take it very seriously if you want it to last. If you don’t care that it should last, then don’t do it. Don’t enter into such a serious relationship if you are looking to see what you can get from it. Don’t turn to other things or other people to meet your needs. Change your needs to work with your spouse. Ask God to help you. Alcohol doesn’t make things better. Love your spouse as God loves us. If that isn’t happening in the reverse, don’t expect it, but love them even harder. Here’s a hard one. It’s our job to help our spouse get to heaven. No small task for some people, but still our task. It may take a lifetime. That is what you commit to when you marry.

Let’s face it, about half the marriages end without death. It’s not something to be feared. It’s something to understand and avoid. How does one avoid it? We need to commit. Commitment is feared. It’s hard to trust someone. But at some time, one has to take the risk. We have to become vulnerable at some point. I suggest you get the CD or the book about the 7 levels of intimacy by Matthew Kelly. If you can find someone that you can share all 7 levels with (BTW, sex is not one of these) I suggest you can trust them. It’s a good measure of a relationship. Ask God for guidance.

I’m sure there are lots of suggestions on how to “pick” a spouse. Again. Sounds like shopping. I’ve had the priviledge to know many women in my life. Dating and courting them too. My immaturity and selfishness lead me away from some very good women. I hear stories all the time about relationships and the thing that makes the most sense to me is that good communications makes things easier. No one has greater communications than friends. Friendship, I would think, is what you are looking for or can provide the path to what you are looking for.

I’ve read too many stories here on CAF that talk about the differences of religious standards can cause in a marriage. And you know, just being a Catholic, doesn’t guarantee that such issues can not still occur. I know many “mixed marriages” that work just fine. So to limit yourself to a set of people (Catholic) might not be as insightful as one might think. But, it’s not a bad consideration. My advice, write no one off. It might not ever be a good match, but you can always be a good friend.

I would have to think about what I would do if I was thrown back into the single life. I know some that tried Catholic Match and have fine marriages so far. I might try that. But to think about “dating” is sure not the type of thing that appeals to me, either. Not that dating would not come about, but not as the method to find someone. It does seem like shopping. I would find an interest. A group that deserves my time and join it. Probably a few of them. Common interests isn’t the end all, but it does allow one to share with others. Again, build the friendships in other efforts, a more serious relationship may develop. If it doesn’t, maybe God didn’t mean for it in the first place. Discerning the three vocations of life is difficult one. You might want to see a spiritual director.

Romance. I’m not sure I know the need for romance except as means to fulfill or to move to a marriage. Friendship isn’t romance. It’s more sincere and does not need romance.

It does take great faith to make a commitment to marriage. Faith in the other person, God and oneself. Please don’t consider yourself unworthy. We are all unworthy. We only need to be able to remind ourselves that we committed to something. Pick ourselves up, kick ourselves in the behind if necessary, and go about the commitment we took on ourselves.

Sorry for the long rambles. I don’t have time to try to rewrite it. I hope there are some nuggets that assist you. Please don’t think you are unworthy of love. This leads to despair. You need not despair, but ask for guidance and go with confidence!

 

[Kyranna]

if Two people put God as the head of your household, then a Marriage will always work.

Nope. Sorry. Life just isn’t that simple. There are no guarantees.

 

[TeachCatechism]

For me, I am a never married woman and strongly prefer never married men. Under no circumstances will I date a divorced dad, and only divorced childless men under certain issues (like the first marriage was when they were young and was at a courthouse). Simply put I question why they couldn’t stay together, especially if kids were involved. This whole “if they aren’t married there is something wrong” is completely wrong because while they might have red flags (like a 60 year old man seeking 20 year olds)it could also be he is shy, or work obsessed or the right one never came around. I’d be more concerned about someone who has been married several times.

 

[fieldsparrow]

Leaving everything else in the thread aside, I am confused as to how a Catholic pursues a romantic relationship with no intention of getting married. To what end? What are you seeking that can’t be had from friendship, if you refuse to marry? I am sincerely perplexed trying to figure this out. It seems slightly cruel, because I think the women may get their hopes up that the relationship will “work out” in the end, i.e. result in marriage; you can say things up front but advice columns are full of letters from people asking what the chances are that their boyfriend/girlfriend will ever “change” and “give in” and get married.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Every time I meet a man who says he wants to date without marriage I assume he means no strings sex. That’s not appealing to most devout women.

 

[holyrood]

I am divorced… my husband abandoned his family for the other woman.
It wasnt my choice for this to happen.

My advice… dont be so judgemental. You have no idea what happened.

Agreed. I’ve told my story elsewhere, so that’s all I’ll say here.

 

[severus68]

No offense, sugar, but some of us “divorced women” are faithful Catholics who happen to have decrees of nullity. IOW, we are perfectly free to marry in the Church. So don’t automatically assume “Oh she’s divorced, so she’s obviously not free and also a relationship loser already.”

I’m 53 and if I were interested in dating, umm, don’t y’all think the pool of men is rather heavily 'divorced men?" Plus, most of y’all (not all of course) want to date women about 20 years younger, so the men who’d want to be dating me would be in their 70s. The 50 year olds want to be dating 30 year old women. (again of course this is not every 50 year old male, but it is a large majority).

Tell y’all what. If I were looking for ‘companionship’ with no thought of any other relationship, I’d look for men and women of all ages who happened to share some of my interests. So if you want ‘companionship’ in that way, go join a local club.

If you’re thinking of ‘companionship and maybe a relationship’ and strictly opposite sex here, then look for the qualities that you absolutely need. If you’re a strong Catholic, then you want a strong Catholic as well. If your focus for the relationship is finding a person with whom your relationship will redound to God’s glory, well and good.

But if you’re going into a relationship idea thinking about all the ‘deal-breakers’ like, “She’s too heavy”, “too loud”, “too much jewelry”, “too mousy”, “too quiet”, “too much family”, “not enough family”, “out too much”, “not out enough”, “goes to church but not as much as I do”, “Goes to church too often”, “likes loud guitars at Mass”, “doesn’t like guitars at Mass”. . .well, y’all get the idea. You’re ‘shopping’ and that means you’re treating a person like a thing, and not a person. (Yes, we women are guilty of this too. Less on the ‘physical things’ but we tend to overlook men for some pretty shallow reasons too, sadly.)

But I wish you the best of luck in finding a relationship if that is what you truly desire, and if you have prayed, and it is God’s will.

 

[Joy2day]

Well i think divorced people are taking a pretty big gamble in trying again. The stats are not that favourable. Why would you want to risk another failure? Besides, you have the perfect excuse for being single. Also i dont think that you should date if you have no intention or ability to get married. Why cant people enjoy being single? If, after one horrendous divorce a person wants to again tie the noose around their neck, well then i have nothing to say to that. Spend your time getting to know Our Lord.

 

[Luvz2travel]

At my age, 60, divorced women form the overwhelming majority of the dating pool.

When I was younger, I did not date divorced women. That is still my preference.

As the years and decades crept by, though, the age appropriate, never married population of women has greatly dwindled. Now, even the single Catholic women are mostly divorced.

I am not dating for marriage, and date quite rarely. Most years, I do not meet, much less date, any single women.

Female companionship is still something I desire, although I am not well endowed with relationship skills.

The divorced women are suspicious of me, because I have not been previously married, nor am I a parent.

I was always so fearful, myself, of a bad marriage and divorce, that I determined never to marry.

Now, divorced women seem to be the only available dating partners.

Among these divorced women, what qualities should I look for? Should I insist that they be Catholic?

I feel your pain as a 43 year old lady I’ve found it very hard to find single guys who aren’t divorced and when they are never married there’s usually a really good reason (commit phobic, mental issue, narissistic, abuser, insecure and not goals or no communication skills. I get maybe 1 date a year if I’m lucky and I’m an active independent women who doesn’t consider herself too bad to look at and in decent shape though I’ll never be Kate Moss. If it helps my dad also had the same dating problem after my mom died. He waited 2 years to date and when he ventured out he found most of the women only wanted a buddy not a partner. They always told him they didn’t need anybody which he took as an insult but I told him not to take if personally they probably just had a lot a bagage and were setting some space there. He eventually met and married by stepmother 4 years after my mom died. They were introduced by mutual friends who knew my mom and dad for years. They been married about a decade now and are happy. My dad would have been right at 60 at the time. Do you have friends at church who can set you up with someone they know? Try a catholic website maybe there are ladies out there. Are you open to dating a widow? Never marrieds are hard to find especially the older you get. Prayers.