Do all men lose control over seeing "desirable" women?

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erine

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So am I living in a fantasy world to want to marry a guy who has self control even when beautiful supermodel flirty women enter the room or even flirt with him? I don’t mean a man who doesn’t notice or admire beauty, but I mean so many men I know seem really immature in that they suddenly fall in love and respect a woman they don’t even know just because of appearance. Then they lose interest in the one they are with. I’ve been on both ends of the situation countless times and it’s always frustrating. To me it seems like it’s immature guys that make feminine beauty into a goddess. After a certain age I would hope men admire and appreciate a beautiful woman, but not become her instant slave and act like their wife/gf never existed.

To my imagining, a man that is in control of himself might notice her, admire the beauty sure but if he is with me as his gf/wife I would still be treated as the woman in his life and he would be strong enough not to completely forget about me for a minute because of a hot girl. It wouldn’t be a deception but our bond and inner attraction would be deeper than any fleeting beauty. It would all be like some private joke and I wouldn’t get insecure because I wouldn’t have to doubt our attraction and love. And he definitely wouldn’t play us off each other.

I ask because with one exception (a guy I can never be with now) most of my guy friends or guys I dated do not seem to have this self control, and they are well past teenage years when it might have been cute. I feel strongly called to marriage and not celibacy and I’m really concerned. I was abused as a child and told I was uglier than all the other girls and no one would ever love me. I’m not ugly but I have trouble getting out of myself and to me if a guy forgets me for a bit because of some hot girl I feel like I’m just a replaceable object of no value. I go into a really bad place emotionally and lose all trust. I find it difficult to believe he loves me after that and I get panicky.

The thing is everyone around me seems to think guys are just like that and you can’t hold onto them and so forth. But I have seen marriages where the husband isn’t like that, and even if the world’s hottest most sexiest feminine charming catholic philanthropist supermodel walked in he would only have eyes for his woman.

Am I just too possessive? Please enlighten me as to what is normal. I need to know if I have to change or just find better guys. I hate the age we live in because I want a traditional marriage and family so badly and I live in the worst time and place in terms of odds for that, what with gender roles, naked women on billboards, divorce, etc.
 
erine,

I think you need to make some new friends. The guys you associate with and the people who make escuses for their bad behaviour are not worth persisting with.

I am a male and would say that I act appropriately and always respect my wife regardless of other women around. Of course, it may be that other women don’t take much interest in me anyway.

You say you’ve seen marriages in which the husbands act appropriately. Good. Then you know they exist and you know that it is how marriage ought to be. Do not accept anything less than that standard.

I think you actually have a very realistic view. Yes, men will notice and admire beautiful women, that’s only natural. But they should not linger on such thoughts, and should not make their wives feel any less attractive due to their wondering eyes/attention. Stick to this and you will - God willing - find a man capable of the challanges of the vocation of marriage.

God bless.
 
underacloud said:
erine,

I think you need to make some new friends. The guys you associate with and the people who make escuses for their bad behaviour are not worth persisting with.

I am a male and would say that I act appropriately and always respect my wife regardless of other women around. Of course, it may be that other women don’t take much interest in me anyway.

You say you’ve seen marriages in which the husbands act appropriately. Good. Then you know they exist and you know that it is how marriage ought to be. Do not accept anything less than that standard.

I think you actually have a very realistic view. Yes, men will notice and admire beautiful women, that’s only natural. But they should not linger on such thoughts, and should not make their wives feel any less attractive due to their wondering eyes/attention. Stick to this and you will - God willing - find a man capable of the challanges of the vocation of marriage.

God bless.
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Thanks. Yeah I’m working on the new people thing. 😦
 
Men are going to notice beautiful women. But not every man finds the same type of woman “desirable” or “Extremely drop dead gorgeous” I see average women all the time that I find more attractive than any supermodel. No, not all men “lost control” when seeing desirable women. Not all men will break if a hot woman is flirting with them either. Some men try to maintain “control” Myself included. I am sure to some married men, their wife is the most beautiful woman In the world to them, but I am sure they will notice when another woman is pretty.

If a woman wants her future partner to never ever find another woman attractive, except her, that wont happen lol. But a good man will just look, notice a woman is attractive, and move on. And if he finds himself getting a little excited, he will try to control himself. I am single, but that is what I do because I do not want to fall into sin.
 
No all men are not like that.What you desire is completely acceptable and you should not settle for anything less! I find such behavior in men to be quite disgusting and as my user name denotes I am a male.A man should be respectful to the woman he is with and if she happens to be his wife then even more so.It is normal to notice other women, but not to the point that you describe.There are decent men out there who want to be in a chaste and committed marriage.So keep looking and pray and ask the Blessed Mother as well as St Joseph for guidance in this matter.
If you have not done so I would highly suggest that you work with a competent therapist to deal with the childhood wounds of abuse,those things don’t heal on their own.Take care and God bless you.
 
Thankfully not all men are like that.

My husband was a lifeguard for 14 years. He saw plenty of women in bikinis. He would always complain. It made him extremely uncomfortable. He is a bit conservative in that way.

Trust me it is hard to find in this day and age. Which is kind of sad.

If you really feel that you are being called to marriage, you could try to meet someone through your church. I know a lot of them have singles nights.
 
Cariethra said:
Thankfully not all men are like that.

My husband was a lifeguard for 14 years. He saw plenty of women in bikinis. He would always complain. It made him extremely uncomfortable. He is a bit conservative in that way.

Trust me it is hard to find in this day and age. Which is kind of sad.

If you really feel that you are being called to marriage, you could try to meet someone through your church. I know a lot of them have singles nights.
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Thank you…this gives me hope…sadly half these are people from my church…I do all the singles things around here and I was seeing someone I deeply care for until it fell apart! Now I am praying and frustrated beyond belief. Been praying for years…pls pray for me to find him…
 
erine said:
Thank you…this gives me hope…sadly half these are people from my church…I do all the singles things around here and I was seeing someone I deeply care for until it fell apart! Now I am praying and frustrated beyond belief. Been praying for years…pls pray for me to find him…
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I will pray for a man that will treat you as you should be treated, with respect and love.
Mary.
 
  1. You want a man who loves God more than he loves you.
  2. You want a man who loves you more than he loves any other human.
  3. His love will be proved by what of himself he gives to God and what of himself he gives to you.
Make no substitutions or changes to this recipe.
 
erine said:
So am I living in a fantasy world to want to marry a guy who has self control even when beautiful supermodel flirty women enter the room or even flirt with him? I don’t mean a man who doesn’t notice or admire beauty, but I mean so many men I know seem really immature in that they suddenly fall in love and respect a woman they don’t even know just because of appearance. Then they lose interest in the one they are with. I’ve been on both ends of the situation countless times and it’s always frustrating. To me it seems like it’s immature guys that make feminine beauty into a goddess. After a certain age I would hope men admire and appreciate a beautiful woman, but not become her instant slave and act like their wife/gf never existed.

To my imagining, a man that is in control of himself might notice her, admire the beauty sure but if he is with me as his gf/wife I would still be treated as the woman in his life and he would be strong enough not to completely forget about me for a minute because of a hot girl. It wouldn’t be a deception but our bond and inner attraction would be deeper than any fleeting beauty. It would all be like some private joke and I wouldn’t get insecure because I wouldn’t have to doubt our attraction and love. And he definitely wouldn’t play us off each other.

I ask because with one exception (a guy I can never be with now) most of my guy friends or guys I dated do not seem to have this self control, and they are well past teenage years when it might have been cute. I feel strongly called to marriage and not celibacy and I’m really concerned. I was abused as a child and told I was uglier than all the other girls and no one would ever love me. I’m not ugly but I have trouble getting out of myself and to me if a guy forgets me for a bit because of some hot girl I feel like I’m just a replaceable object of no value. I go into a really bad place emotionally and lose all trust. I find it difficult to believe he loves me after that and I get panicky.

The thing is everyone around me seems to think guys are just like that and you can’t hold onto them and so forth. But I have seen marriages where the husband isn’t like that, and even if the world’s hottest most sexiest feminine charming catholic philanthropist supermodel walked in he would only have eyes for his woman.

Am I just too possessive? Please enlighten me as to what is normal. I need to know if I have to change or just find better guys. I hate the age we live in because I want a traditional marriage and family so badly and I live in the worst time and place in terms of odds for that, what with gender roles, naked women on billboards, divorce, etc.
Click to expand...
I’m slightly offended. Would you like it if I said that all women are angry feminists, gold diggers, and want to usurp all the power in this world from men? Would you like it if I said that all women want tall, dark, and handsome men so that they can come up to their chests and feel secure, and therefore don’t want anything to do with a short Asian intellectual man like me?

To say that all men are animalistic and care disproportionately, or solely, about physical appearance, and cannot control themselves in the presence of a woman they are physically attracted to, is offensive.

For the record, I’ve dated women who aren’t physically attractive by today’s worldly standard.

You’re afraid that a man you date might dump you and meet someone else who is more attractive. This reeks of insecurity. Why are you so insecure about this possibility? It goes both ways. Don’t women dump their boyfriends for someone else? It happens all the time. It’s happened to most people in the Western world who have dated more than one person.

Until there’s a promise, an engagement, all is fair in love and war. It’s the cold hard fact.

The only solution is to keep meeting guys until you meet one that loves you enough.
 
Do all men behave this way? No. Do most men behave this way? Call me cynical, but I’d say yes. Sure, there’s some difference in the degree to which they do it, but I’m at a loss to come up with more than 2-3 that I know personally who don’t behave like this. They don’t all get whiplash when a pretty girl walks buy, but they’ll smile, stammer, blush, stand up straighter, pull in their guts, puff out their shoulders, change the tone of their voice, adjust their collar, laugh at every single thing she says that can even remotely be interpreted as a joke, become much more touchy-feely than they ever are normally, and will develop a phenomenal difficulty keeping eye contact. I know guys who have been married 25, 35, 45+ years who still act like giggly teenage boys whenever a pretty lady enters the room. Others whose personalities change entirely around their or their wife’s female friends and coworkers.

I could go into all the standard answers for why men do this–they’re more visual than women, society has groomed them to behave this way, it’s just guys being guys–but the fact of the matter is that it’s a lack of respect and self-control. Believe me, I used to dredge up all those excuses and more when my wife would catch me acting the same way. It took a good deal of prayer, introspection and soul-searching to see that she was right and just how disrespectful it is. It took even more prayer and willpower to overcome it. The good thing is that if a guy really wants to, he can change his behavior. The bad thing is that not only do most of them not want to, but if they do change they’re portrayed as the ones with a problem. I was out with a bunch of married guy friends. We ran into the cute, extremely flirtatious and morally bankrupt female friend of one of the guys. The rest of the guys were thrilled with the way she hugged everyone, leaned against them, kept dropping things so she could bend over and show off her skirt, and they way that third, then fourth button on her blouse just seemed to lose it’s ability to stay closed. When I insisted we leave, they (including her) called me all sorts of names, most of which questioned my manhood. At another recent gathering, I was the only guy in the group whose wife hadn’t, at some point in the last 4-5 years, yelled at, walked out on or slapped him in a public place after catching him flirting with, ogling or groping another woman (they were all joking about it). Again, my sexual preferences were questioned when I expressed disgust at their antics and claimed that the same thing had never happened to me.

Now, there are guys out there who either don’t behave this way, no longer behave this way or are open to the idea of not behaving this way. If you can find one who fits in the first two categories, then good for you. If you find one who behaves this way but is otherwise a good person, talk to him and explain how you feel. He might be able to be convinced to see the error of his ways. And if you’re a guy who doesn’t behave this way but has friends who do, don’t be afraid to let them know. I have one friend whose wife overheard me telling him how disrespectful and disgusting I thought some of his actions are. Thanks to that (and some extreme urging by his wife), he’s actually trying to behave a little better. It can be difficult, but it’s not hopeless.
 
I had the same thought processes as you b/c a lot of men are jerks.

After struggling through so many bad matches, I found my husband and I can trust him 100%. He acknowledges beauty and that’s it. He wouldn’t actually do anything about it.

there are real men out there. I promise you.
 
Erine,

I am sorry for the turmoil you are facing.

I am not entirely certain by what you mean by “lose control”, but chastity and lust are probably present in varying degrees in different men. You are a child of God and redeemed by Christ. Therefore you have dignity and that should be respected. I believe it is entirely acceptable to God that you require the males you pursue friendship with, or discern marriage with, strive for chastity and respect you. However, I think it unreasonable to expect a man to be blind to attributes he finds attractive in women. I find this particular topic very difficult though. I think physical attraction can get a bit corrupted by constant exposure to our sexually corrupt cultures. That is no excuse, but something men (and women) need to combat if they are to be good Christians. If a man truly disrespects or ignores you in response to “eye candy”, and does not even struggle to behave otherwise, look elsewhere for friendship and marriage.

Compassionately, I will say I wonder about insecurity in you. It jumped out immediately while reading your original post. CaliLobo may have been attempting to help, but he was far too harsh; critical. Let me reiterate, “You are a child of God and redeemed by Christ.” How people in this world treat you does not in any way lessen your worth. God’s love for you is great, probably beyond mortal comprehension. His love for you is not impacted by how people treat you. I am sorry you struggle with these negative emotions. I hope you can at least intellectually acknowledge these negative emotions surrounding worth and security are just that, emotions. They do not reflect reality. You are definitely not “ugly”, and your worth is not dependent on the ridiculous standards this worlds’ corrupt societies set for physical beauty.

I hope you can cooperate with God as He heals you of your hurts. If security is something you struggle with, I believe addressing that will help prepare you for marriage, if that is your calling. Please be patient. Do not settle for men, who do not, AT THE VERY LEAST, continually strive to treat you in a more Christ-like manner.
 
Do all men lose control over seeing “desirable” women?

No.
 
CaliLobo said:
I’m slightly offended. Would you like it if I said that all women are angry feminists, gold diggers, and want to usurp all the power in this world from men? Would you like it if I said that all women want tall, dark, and handsome men so that they can come up to their chests and feel secure, and therefore don’t want anything to do with a short Asian intellectual man like me?

To say that all men are animalistic and care disproportionately, or solely, about physical appearance, and cannot control themselves in the presence of a woman they are physically attracted to, is offensive.

For the record, I’ve dated women who aren’t physically attractive by today’s worldly standard.

You’re afraid that a man you date might dump you and meet someone else who is more attractive. This reeks of insecurity. Why are you so insecure about this possibility? It goes both ways. Don’t women dump their boyfriends for someone else? It happens all the time. It’s happened to most people in the Western world who have dated more than one person.

Until there’s a promise, an engagement, all is fair in love and war. It’s the cold hard fact.

The only solution is to keep meeting guys until you meet one that loves you enough.
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Yeah so I never say “all men” but I was in enough pain to have a death wish recently when all my guy friends and a guy I liked ditched my friendship for a pretty girl.

Sorry I “reek of insecurity” I guess I’ll just go back in time and get my parents to not have abused me and told me thousands of times how no man would ever stay with me and anyone who claims to love me is lying. Which I already explained and yes I am insecure every human who has claimed to love me has left.

So I’ll stick with the higher standards offered. Someone like me probably needs someone who doesn’t ever let me doubt his loyalty. You probably think I’m an angry feminist which is ironic because I hate feminism. But I get taken advantage of sometimes because I am respectful to men generally. Ah frustration. Pls pray for me.
 
erine said:
Yeah so I never say “all men” but I was in enough pain to have a death wish recently when all my guy friends and a guy I liked ditched my friendship for a pretty girl.

Sorry I “reek of insecurity” I guess I’ll just go back in time and get my parents to not have abused me and told me thousands of times how no man would ever stay with me and anyone who claims to love me is lying. Which I already explained and yes I am insecure every human who has claimed to love me has left.

So I’ll stick with the higher standards offered. Someone like me probably needs someone who doesn’t ever let me doubt his loyalty. You probably think I’m an angry feminist which is ironic because I hate feminism. But I get taken advantage of sometimes because I am respectful to men generally. Ah frustration. Pls pray for me.
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:console:

If you don’t mind getting support from a borderline feminist… I used to not believe in love. But I think it exists! I’ve met lots of kind, considerate, and ultimately loyal people of both genders, and I can’t help bit think the same things can be true of romantic partners. 🙂

It’s hard to see it when you’ve been conditioned against it, and it must be very hard when your friends have left you. 😦 But your guy friends don’t represent all guys, and there are lots of people out there who won’t leave their friends behind. If guys didn’t have some control over the decisions they made regarding women, you wouldn’t see those decisions labelled sins. That means that there definitely are men who are willing to control themselves.

I pray that things start going better for you. Until then… It may sound cheesy, but Jesus is one man who won’t ever leave you. :nun2:
 
😦 How sad that you think this way about men.

I have a wonderful husband. He is the world’s kindest, most generous, most patient, understanding, funniest man that has ever existed (and he looks darn good too!). Not once has he ever made me feel like anything less than the most important woman in the world to him. Of course he sees beautiful women all the time. I see handsome men all the time too. Not only are these people physically attractive but often times they are smart, funny, successful, and kind too. But it doesn’t matter because we are devoted to each other.

I’m sure women catch his eye as they walk past, but I’ve never caught him checking someone else out. Either he’s the sneakiest man in the world or just extraordinary wonderful, because his eye doesn’t even flinch off of me (even when she’s pretty enough that even I turn and look). And he would be appalled at the idea of flirting with another woman, no matter how attractive she is. I give him the same respect.

Interestingly, my male friends and relatives are the same way. I don’t think that I could be friends with someone that shallow and superficial as to hurt their partner’s feelings like that or even leave them for someone more attractive!

I know that truly good people are hard to find, but I can’t imagine that I have the only one in the world. Keep looking and never settle for someone who makes you feel like they would rather be with the sexy little thing that just walked in the door than with you.
 
Also, I’m not sure if this matters, but I see the word ‘feminist’ has come up a couple of times. I’m a very proud feminist, and actually, my 6’6, hypermasculine manly man of a husband is too. But feminist doesn’t mean what a lot of people think it does.
 
po18guy said:
  1. You want a man who loves God more than he loves you.
  2. You want a man who loves you more than he loves any other human.
  3. His love will be proved by what of himself he gives to God and what of himself he gives to you.
Make no substitutions or changes to this recipe.
Click to expand...
This is awesome I am remembering this
 
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