Do I confront my wife?

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Saturn5

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I am afraid I am at a bit of a crossroad in my marriage with my wife. I have no intention of leaving my wife, but my dilemma is do I confront her on her behavior?

We have been challenged in our marriage with her coming to me 3 years ago and telling me she loved me, but was not “in” love with me. We talked to our pastor (once) and he recommended counseling. We tried that too no avail as my wife gave up after a few months after it got difficult for her and started to force her to look at herself more critically. She grew up in an emotionally and verbally abusive house, so she shuts down whenever anyone starts to point out anything critical to her. We’ve tried a few self-help books (one being the Love Dare), but again she shut down and never completed it when it got difficult for her.

I had a conversion during this time. I am a cradle Catholic, but I realized certain things I was doing wrong and resolved to correct them. I also let Christ fully into my heart and He is my guide in how I treat my wife now.

Over the weekend literally by accident I found my wife’s email open. I saw a male name I didn’t recognize. Long story short, I started to peel back the onion and discovered my wife having an emotional affair with this person. Lot’s of banter and flirting going back and forth, asking questions of each other, photos passed back and forth, etc. The good news in all of this is the person lives a thousand miles away, but what was shocking was the depth of inquisitiveness of my wife after meeting him in person only once (which kicked this whole thing off).

In the last couple years, I have focused becoming a better husband for my wife. With her coming from an abusive family, I am constantly telling her I am not going anywhere as I know that is a deep seated fear (that she can’t vocalize yet). We have two young children, 8 and 11 and I’m sure this would devastate them if there was any kind of riff in the marriage.

Again I state, I am not going anywhere. I love my wife as Christ love’s the church. But it certainly is difficult to stand what seems like idly by and watch her self-destruction. I am wondering if I should confront her or let it lie? I am sure that my violation of her trust reading her email will be what is focused on and not the emotional infidelity that she is engaging in.

As far as suggestions for counseling, I would love too, my wife feels she has “been there, done that” and there is no way she can change “chemistry”. I know I am in this for the long haul and that’s why I am erring on the side of leaving this alone and putting it in the Lord’s hands. Thank you for your responses.
 
I love this bit of advise, given by Jimmy Steward in the movie Shenandoah.

It is so important to have a friendship in a marriage… Friends open up and tell each other what is on their heart… Lovers don’t always do that.

My wife and I were friends months before we fell in love… We are still friends and will be married 39 years this June… Without that friendship, I don’t think our marriage would have lasted.

youtube.com/watch?v=1wQyDiC7e-o

Click the above link to see Jimmy’s advice.
 
If you don’t confront her, you are telling her that what she is doing is OK. **It’s not. **

She really needs counseling. It’s time for her to be an adult, a woman, a wife, and a mother. If you don’t call her to her responsibilities, who will? Her internet pal?
 
Saturn5 said:
…telling me she loved me, but was not “in” love with me.
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My first thought was, why this idle talk? Is she having an affair or something? And then I read the rest of your post… :o

My advice is, confront her and insist on spiritual and marital counseling (priest, marriage counselor). You wife made a commitment to forsake all others for you, that’s what marriage is. She should stick to her commitment, and not look for excuses to break her commitment, excuses such as no longer being in love with you, and no longer feeling chemistry.
 
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Wife told me she was not “in love” with me anymore, months later I stumble across very suspicious emails that lead to much more incirminating discoveries.

I confronted her on it. I expected her to focus on the “invasion of privacy” though, like you, the initial discovery was something she mistakenly left in plain sight and while she did initially start down that path, the lies and intentional deceptions I had onscreen confronting her quickly made her realize that her lies and emotional infidelities, and it becoming known to me were not something should could blame me for.

Months later I caught her in still more unfaithful communications and this time with evidence of it having become physical.

Like you, I am not going to quit on my marriage. I married in the Church for life. And while I too went through a period of picking and choosing my faith, I had a conversion experience that changed that selective faith of mine…

Since the first discovery my wife has refused counseling, has avoided most meaningful conversations, and eventually made the choice to move out, leaving me and our three children in our home. She sees the kids on a fairly consistent schedule, but we’ve been separated for quite a while now and still no indication what she is thinking long-term…

In my case I think confronting her was the best thing. Confronting her allowed me to let her know that I forgive her and pray for her daily. It allowed me to communicate my hurt, my emotions, my fears, etc. to her and not just try and pretend nothing is wrong. While it’s not comfortable, it is honest.

When I confronted her, I did it as gently as I could. I seriously considered my part in where our marriage had ended up, not that infidelity (emotional or otherwise) is justifiable, but it generally takes two to lead a marriage to the point where this sort of thing happens. I entered the discussion with that mindset, that neither one of us are perfect and her decisions weren’t made in some vacuum, completely isolated from our 15 year long marriage…

Confronting her may or may not be best for you. The best advice I can give you is this:

Go to Church, talk to your priest and pray before the Blessed Sacrament. Let God direct you in how to handle this. It may or may not save your marriage, that depends on God’s will and your wife’s cooperation… What you need to do is focus on what God wants from you and what He wants for you. He will use this for good. He will be with you and carry you, but you must let Him. Go to Him in prayer. Talk to the shepherd he has there to care for you. Let the Spirit lead you.

I’m praying for your wife. And for you.
 
L_piperatus said:
My first thought was, why this idle talk? Is she having an affair or something? And then I read the rest of your post… :o

My advice is, confront her and insist on spiritual and marital counseling (priest, marriage counselor). You wife made a commitment to forsake all others for you, that’s what marriage is. She should stick to her commitment, and not look for excuses to break her commitment, excuses such as no longer being in love with you, and no longer feeling chemistry.
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Agree, she needs to know you now know what is going on.

I also want to add, even if she refuses to go to counseling or quits again after so many weeks or so, you can still seek out professional help on your own to help with the situation.
 
Saturn5 said:
I am afraid I am at a bit of a crossroad in my marriage with my wife. I have no intention of leaving my wife, but my dilemma is do I confront her on her behavior?

We have been challenged in our marriage with her coming to me 3 years ago and telling me she loved me, but was not “in” love with me. We talked to our pastor (once) and he recommended counseling. We tried that too no avail as my wife gave up after a few months after it got difficult for her and started to force her to look at herself more critically. She grew up in an emotionally and verbally abusive house, so she shuts down whenever anyone starts to point out anything critical to her. We’ve tried a few self-help books (one being the Love Dare), but again she shut down and never completed it when it got difficult for her.
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Forget about either you or her being “in love” - it’s a mirage. It gets some people married but progressing beyond the feeling to self-giving is what builds a marriage.
I had a conversion during this time. I am a cradle Catholic, but I realized certain things I was doing wrong and resolved to correct them. I also let Christ fully into my heart and He is my guide in how I treat my wife now.
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Good. Listen to what He is telling you now.
Over the weekend literally by accident I found my wife’s email open. I saw a male name I didn’t recognize. Long story short, I started to peel back the onion and discovered my wife having an emotional affair with this person. Lot’s of banter and flirting going back and forth, asking questions of each other, photos passed back and forth, etc. The good news in all of this is the person lives a thousand miles away, but what was shocking was the depth of inquisitiveness of my wife after meeting him in person only once (which kicked this whole thing off).
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The wisdom of Sargent Schultz is probably your best help here: “I see nothing–NOTHING!”

There are 2 problems here. One is her email conversation. The other is your snooping. You had best stop your part.

Perhaps you can gently suggest she return to counseling. If she won’t, you go by yourself.
In the last couple years, I have focused becoming a better husband for my wife. With her coming from an abusive family, I am constantly telling her I am not going anywhere as I know that is a deep seated fear (that she can’t vocalize yet). We have two young children, 8 and 11 and I’m sure this would devastate them if there was any kind of riff in the marriage.
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Again I state, I am not going anywhere. I love my wife as Christ love’s the church. But it certainly is difficult to stand what seems like idly by and watch her self-destruction. I am wondering if I should confront her or let it lie? I am sure that my violation of her trust reading her email will be what is focused on and not the emotional infidelity that she is engaging in.
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As far as suggestions for counseling, I would love too, my wife feels she has “been there, done that” and there is no way she can change “chemistry”. I know I am in this for the long haul and that’s why I am erring on the side of leaving this alone and putting it in the Lord’s hands. Thank you for your responses.
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Pray. Pray together as a family, too.
 
Oh, and as far as the no longer being ‘in love’ or feeling chemistry, that’s normal and she is using it for an excuse. She obviously doesn’t understand what LOVE means. Love is a choice. People lose the ‘in love’ feelings after a while and they have to make the choice to love each other every day. That is REAL, MATURE love. She needs to figure out how to get there, and it’s not going to be on the internet, or with just you. She needs help.
 
So, your wife has actually met this man in person, once that you know of? How did that happen? And now they are carrying on by email…This does not bode well.

In 3 years, she has not made any move to leave you, although she says she is not “in love” with you any more… That is at least a little positive. As long as she is there, you still have a chance. Even if she isn’t, don’t give up.

I found this therapist years ago, after my husband admitted he had spent time with another woman while on an overseas business trip. I like her approach, because she breaks the mold on marriage counseling completely. She tried to do it the way her profession always had, by talking to the couple and trying to get them to see their backgrounds and how their childhoods factored into their problems as a couple, but she found that this did not work. The couples could see their own faults but could not stop doing the same things even with that knowledge.

So she tried something very different, and it turned out to be much more effective for keeping couples away from divorce. She is not Catholic, she deals with everyone the same, but I love what she has to say. She also states that she can help one half of a couple even if the other half wants nothing to do with counseling.

Divorce Busting - Michelle Weiner-Davis

Notice the first thing you see is that phrase “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Unfortunately, people use that as a way to escape when they are having an affair. Not always, but frequently.

Take a look at DivorceBusting.com. She has Youtube videos as well.
 
I read through most of the comments and I don’t think anyone mentioned the two children that this marriage has produced. You must put your children first. Is the environment that you and your wife find yourselves in one that is toxic to the children? Although my wife and I have been married going on 40 years, I can’t advise you one way or the other. My only concern is your children. Do what’s right for them.
 
Saturn,

Yes, you should confront her about this. Try to have her tell you the truth about every thing, especially since she has physically meet with him at least once.

I know what you are going through; my story is here on the forum also. As yours my wife also started with an emotional affair, she even did searches on emotional affairs and yet continued with it until it became physical for over a year and a half. I confronted her when I first seen she was searching about them and she told me that that she just wanted to make sure that she was not going down a path that she should not have. Even after I discovered the truth and she told me she would never contact him again and never open any e-mails from him within a week she was still in contact with him. It was to the point that she was talking to me about buying a mobile home from her aunt where she could go to get away from it all. But in her e-mails (very explicit) to him it was for them to continue the affair while she pretended to be married to me.

You cannot force someone to remain faithful when they choose not to. You are a much stronger man than I wanting to work things out with your wife and I do wish you the best. But again confront her and talk with your Priest.

May God keep and bless you.

Winter
 
My husband has done this twice. Well.obviously he is here. but do I trust him? No. Will the marriage last? For a while.maybe forever, but it won’t be good.

I guess my point is, if you want the marriage to last, and be good, I think, and this is my opinion, you need to confront her and get help NOW before it gets worse. Don’t delude yourself that this is some kind midlife crisis, or whatever. This is very serious. Please, get help. You both deserve it.
 
And one more thing. My mom really does not like my husband, long story. But, I mentioned having my own “on the side” (yes wrong) and told me that was not ok. And shes right.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
So, your wife has actually met this man in person, once that you know of? How did that happen? And now they are carrying on by email…This does not bode well.

In 3 years, she has not made any move to leave you, although she says she is not “in love” with you any more… That is at least a little positive. As long as she is there, you still have a chance. Even if she isn’t, don’t give up.

I found this therapist years ago, after my husband admitted he had spent time with another woman while on an overseas business trip. I like her approach, because she breaks the mold on marriage counseling completely. She tried to do it the way her profession always had, by talking to the couple and trying to get them to see their backgrounds and how their childhoods factored into their problems as a couple, but she found that this did not work. The couples could see their own faults but could not stop doing the same things even with that knowledge.

So she tried something very different, and it turned out to be much more effective for keeping couples away from divorce. She is not Catholic, she deals with everyone the same, but I love what she has to say. She also states that she can help one half of a couple even if the other half wants nothing to do with counseling.

Divorce Busting - Michelle Weiner-Davis

Notice the first thing you see is that phrase “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Unfortunately, people use that as a way to escape when they are having an affair. Not always, but frequently.

Take a look at DivorceBusting.com. She has Youtube videos as well.
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Thank you. I see her not moving on as a positive as well…and I tell her that.

I have up on our bathroom mirror to things posted that I look at everyday. One is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. The other is 25 “things” I do every day for her. They say things like: forgive immediately, make her laugh, respect her opinion, love unconditionally etc. I have it up there for both of us. One for me to remind me of how to treat her everyday and the other is for her to see what I am doing.

I know this isn’t going to turn around overnight…I know what my journey back to Christ took. So I’m always looking for the positives (catch her being good is one on my list too)

I’ve read one of Michelle Weiner-Davis books a couple years ago. I remember I liked it and incorporated some of what it said into my behavior. My challenge of course is getting my wife to join me in any kind of counseling. RealJuliane, I’ve been a long time observer on this forum and if I remember correctly, I think you’ve recently had an epiphany with your marriage. If there was only some way to package that and pass on to others. What was the piece of wisdom that got you there?
 
Thank you everyone for the great advice.

Yes, I know it was wrong for me to snoop. The enemy put that temptation in front of me and I took the bait. He knows my weak spots. I plan on going to confession tonight for breaking my wife’s trust.

I’m sure this is a stupid idea and I have no problem with everyone telling me that!:rolleyes: But last night I was laying in bed and wondering what if I confronted the other person? The internet is valuable tool for finding people if you want too. Again, probably foolish of me, but I know the information necessary to contact this person. I would not do it in person, but I have say, who does he think he is hitting on a married woman? I know that’s my testosterone talking as I generally a peaceful person. But this is my wife and her honor here.

Thank again everyone for your advice and prayers.
 
Saturn5 said:
Thank you. I see her not moving on as a positive as well…and I tell her that.

I have up on our bathroom mirror to things posted that I look at everyday. One is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. The other is 25 “things” I do every day for her. They say things like: forgive immediately, make her laugh, respect her opinion, love unconditionally etc. I have it up there for both of us. One for me to remind me of how to treat her everyday and the other is for her to see what I am doing.

I know this isn’t going to turn around overnight…I know what my journey back to Christ took. So I’m always looking for the positives (catch her being good is one on my list too)

I’ve read one of Michelle Weiner-Davis books a couple years ago. I remember I liked it and incorporated some of what it said into my behavior. My challenge of course is getting my wife to join me in any kind of counseling. RealJuliane, I’ve been a long time observer on this forum and if I remember correctly, I think you’ve recently had an epiphany with your marriage. If there was only some way to package that and pass on to others. What was the piece of wisdom that got you there?
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Michelle states emphatically that both people are not necessary in order to turn things around. And she seems to have the success rate to prove it. Her methodology is different from other marital counseling, much more focused on what to do NOW than in what happened in the past. It’s very action-orientated, which makes it good for men, I think, since your gender isn’t as fixated on talking as ours seems to be. If your wife refuses counseling, DivorceBusting might just help you turn things around.

Hmmmm…Wisdom…In my case, very little wisdom since I have a very thick skull and a mulish nature…Stubborn in other words. I credit the Holy Spirit for any breakthroughs - it’s a breakthrough of my defenses that comes ONLY through the will of God. Those revelations tend to come when I least expect them, and usually when my own will has gotten me either nowhere, or the exact opposite destination from where I wanted to go. Praise God for His mercy! My situation is somewhat different from yours, so even if I could put my personal “growth moment” into words, I don’t think you’d get much from it…since a lot of our problems revolved around sexual intimacy or lack thereof. It’s better, still a little sensitive, but better since I gave up some of my treasured resentments and realized that yeah, I was punishing my husband by withholding the marital embrace. Not something I am proud of, that’s for sure.

No, don’t confront the other man. Your wife is not being victimized, it takes 2 to tango, and you have to deal with her. You can chase this man away but if she wants to, she can pick up a new guy later today. You have to work from your marriage, that’s all.
 
Sorry your going through all of this.

After reading the part of your wife loved you, but wasn’t in love, a red flag went off to me she was having an affair before I even read the rest. Having an internet relationship is the same as being in person. She is emotional checked out of your marriage. She needs to be confronted and if she wasn’t betraying you, she shouldn’t get angry and turn it around to you looking at her email. You were obviously suspicious and you could tell her that you wanted to make sure she was honestly trying to work with you or had someone else from her behavior. Did she give you a reason to not trust her? She can’t use excuses from past problems to justify it’s ok to betray someone. She needs to work on those issues herself and getting into another relationship whether in person or the internet isn’t going to help her come to the reality of how she needs to work on herself.

She is violating your marriage vows. We shouldn’t rule our happiness by our feelings. One day we are up, one way we are down. Our feelings deceive us all the time. Forget the counseling for the time being, she wasn’t vested in it… She needs to know about God in her life and see that love of Jesus to be able to really love anyone and she needs to see it through you. If she said she has love for you, she would work with you for your children’s sake. She is not only betraying you, but God in her sacramental vows. She needs to be a good wife as well as you being a good husband. Don’t give up, your both being attacked by Satan. Increase your faith. This may be the way God is showing you that your not doing enough for him. These of course are my suggestions, you may want to consult a good faithful priest for more guidance.

Maybe show her what love really means here, I will continue in on the next post.

There are four Greek words for love that are important for Christians to understand. They are agape, phileo, storge, and eros. Three of them appear in the Bible. [1] If we are going to understand the Bible and the biblical world, it is important that we understand what these words mean and how they differ.

The Greek word for sexual love or passionate love is eros, and we get English words such as “erotic.” When eros was used as a proper noun, it referred to the Greek god of love. The Greek word eros does not appear in the biblical text, so we will not spend time on it in this article, but it has had such an impact on English and our view of sexual love that it is important to mention.

The Greek word that refers to the love of God, one of the kinds of love we are to have for people, is agape. Agape is the very nature of God, for God is love (1 John 4:7-12, 16b). The big key to understanding agape is to realize that it can be known from the action it prompts. In fact, we sometimes speak of the “action model” of agape love. People today are accustomed to thinking of love as a feeling, but that is not necessarily the case with agape love. Agape is love because of what it does, not because of how it feels.

God so “loved” (agape) that He gave His Son. It did not feel good to God to do that, but it was the loving thing to do. Christ so loved (agape) that he gave his life. He did not want to die, but he loved, so he did what God required. A mother who loves a sick baby will stay up all night long caring for it, which is not something she wants to do, but is a true act of agape love.

The point is that agape love is not simply an impulse generated from feelings. Rather, agape love is an exercise of the will, a deliberate choice. This is why God can command us to love our enemies (Matt. 5:44; Exod. 23:1-5). He is not commanding us to “have a good feeling” for our enemies, but to act in a loving way toward them. Agape love is related to obedience and commitment, and not necessarily feeling and emotion. “Loving” someone is to obey God on another’s behalf, seeking his or her long-term blessing and profit.

The way to know that we love (agape) God is that we keep His commandments. Jesus said, “Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me…” (John 14:21a). There are Christians who say they love God, but their lifestyle is contrary to the will of God. These people mistake their feeling of affection for God for true agape love. Jesus made this clear: “He who does not love me will not obey my teaching…” (John 14:24a).

Love is the distinctive character of the Christian life in relation to other Christians and to all humanity. The “loving” thing to do may not always be easy, and true love is not “mushy sentimentalism.” There is often a cost to genuine love. For example, punishing criminals to keep society safe is loving but not easy or pleasant, and asking someone to leave your Christian fellowship because he persists in flagrant sin is loving, but never easy (1 Cor. 5:1-5). That is not to say the agape love cannot have feelings attached to it, and the ideal situation occurs when the loving thing to do also is what we want to do. Christians are to be known for their love to one another (John 13:35).
 
Here is the rest. Prayers your way.

God bless

The third word for “love” we need to examine is phileo, which means “to have a special interest in someone or something, frequently with focus on close association; have affection for, like, consider someone a friend.” [2] It would probably be helpful if phileo were never translated “love” in the New Testament, because it refers to a strong liking or a strong friendship. Of course, we see how phileo gets translated “love,” because in modern culture we say we “love” things that we strongly like: “I love ice cream,” “I love my car,” “I love the way your hair looks,” etc. The word phileo implies a strong emotional connection, and thus is used of the “love,” or deep friendship, between friends. You can agape your enemies, but you cannot phileo them.

The fourth Greek word we need to understand is storge, which is the love and affection that naturally occurs between parents and children, can exist between siblings, and exists between husbands and wives in a good marriage. It occurs in Romans 12:10 in the word, philostorgos, which is a compound word made up of philos (the noun form of phileo) and storge. Romans 12:10 is a very important verse, directing us to be very loving and kind to each other.

Romans 12:10 (Author’s expanded translation)
As to your brotherly love, let there be deep friendship and family-affection toward one another.

If one is going to have a wonderful Christian life, obedient to the voice of God and have rich fellowship with other Christians, he or she will need to exercise all three kinds of love. We need agape love because some of the things that God requires of us are not fun or easy, but need to be done. We need to have phileo love because we need true friends to stand with us, people who are emotionally connected to us and with whom we can share our deepest thoughts and feelings. Lastly, we Christians need to have storge love between us, a deep family affection that comforts us and helps us feel connected to all our spiritual family.
Saturn5 said:
I am afraid I am at a bit of a crossroad in my marriage with my wife. I have no intention of leaving my wife, but my dilemma is do I confront her on her behavior?

We have been challenged in our marriage with her coming to me 3 years ago and telling me she loved me, but was not “in” love with me. We talked to our pastor (once) and he recommended counseling. We tried that too no avail as my wife gave up after a few months after it got difficult for her and started to force her to look at herself more critically. She grew up in an emotionally and verbally abusive house, so she shuts down whenever anyone starts to point out anything critical to her. We’ve tried a few self-help books (one being the Love Dare), but again she shut down and never completed it when it got difficult for her.

I had a conversion during this time. I am a cradle Catholic, but I realized certain things I was doing wrong and resolved to correct them. I also let Christ fully into my heart and He is my guide in how I treat my wife now.

Over the weekend literally by accident I found my wife’s email open. I saw a male name I didn’t recognize. Long story short, I started to peel back the onion and discovered my wife having an emotional affair with this person. Lot’s of banter and flirting going back and forth, asking questions of each other, photos passed back and forth, etc. The good news in all of this is the person lives a thousand miles away, but what was shocking was the depth of inquisitiveness of my wife after meeting him in person only once (which kicked this whole thing off).

In the last couple years, I have focused becoming a better husband for my wife. With her coming from an abusive family, I am constantly telling her I am not going anywhere as I know that is a deep seated fear (that she can’t vocalize yet). We have two young children, 8 and 11 and I’m sure this would devastate them if there was any kind of riff in the marriage.

Again I state, I am not going anywhere. I love my wife as Christ love’s the church. But it certainly is difficult to stand what seems like idly by and watch her self-destruction. I am wondering if I should confront her or let it lie? I am sure that my violation of her trust reading her email will be what is focused on and not the emotional infidelity that she is engaging in.

As far as suggestions for counseling, I would love too, my wife feels she has “been there, done that” and there is no way she can change “chemistry”. I know I am in this for the long haul and that’s why I am erring on the side of leaving this alone and putting it in the Lord’s hands. Thanks for your Response.
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Saturn…first, let me say that your commitment to your wife, your vows, and your faith in God are an example for all of us. Kudos to you for being so proactive in showing your love and faithfulness to your bride. I know it will be worth it in the long run, but am so sorry for the tough times you’re going through right now.

Though my job at Focus on the Family, I have come across this article series online that addresses marriage issues…there’s a part of it that speaks to how to work on your marriage even when one spouse is not willing to do counseling, etc. Maybe it would be helpful to you?

My prayers are definitely with you…trusting that the Lord will guide you through this tough spot…give you the grace and strength you need daily…and bring your marriage through this even stronger than before. Hang in there!!
 
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