Do I Have to Divorce?

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dmoondog

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I don’t know if anyone here can help me, but I will give it a try. I married a Catholic Man, he is wonderful to me. He brings me coffee every morning in bed. He goes to mass every Sunday, and prays daily. The only problem is, I have never really fell in love with him. I know how to be a good wife, and be loving to him, but I want so badly to be in love with him, but I can’t make that happen now. When we got married, I believed that I had fallen in love, but really, I have come to see now that I only chose to love him because I was getting old, and afraid I would never marry. Now I read all this stuff about annullments, and it makes me wonder if I committed a fraud. I truely wanted to be married, and meant it for life, I just didn’t think that I would reach a point in my marraige where I wouldn’t even like my husband. I just wanted to marry a good christain man, and he was and is that. I just don’t find myself attracted to him anymore at all, and not sure if I ever did. I have been in love before, where I just couldn’t help myself, and couldn’t stop thinking about the other person, but it has never been that way with my husband. I am worried that I committed a fraud and that my only recourse is divorce and annullment. I know other failed marraiges where the people got it declared null for the same reasons. I just hope that my marraige isn’t invalid. I don’t want to get an annullment or a divorce, but I am feeling hopeless at the moment. We have discussed this before in marraige counseling, and I have been counselled to remember that love is not always a feeling, and that I can be a good wife, but I am discouraged. I don’t want to talk with hubby about it because it hurts him alot, and I really don’t think it helps us work it out. What helps is pouring out my heart to God. Can any of you pray for me? I just want to love my husband and stay in the marraige that I am in even if it is difficult.
 
I’ll start by saying, you messed up… big time. As harsh as this is going to sound, it was very foolish of you to think that you would not have a shot at marriage with someone you were actually in love with. Everyone has their special someone out there, including you… you should’ve been patient. And to wanting nothing but a Christian man was far too general. I feel sorry for your husband. It was very selfish of you to lead him on like that.

If you really don’t a divorce, why not spend some time with him. Good ol’ quality time! Just being with a person; talking to them; walking with them; and more is always a nice idea. Or perhaps marriage counseling if things are really that bad through your eyes.

Again, I am sorry if I was too harsh. :cool: Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck. 🙂

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood
 
It is scientifically proven that two strangers can actually learn to know each other and love each other successfully. That’s how marriages worked back in the times when parents would choose a bride for their sons.

Now, you two are not strangers and you can see your husband’s qualities well. Why not giving it a try. Don’t make your husband a victim of what you consider a mistake. You would regret it even more that what you are regretting now the fact that you married this person the way you did it.

Commit to teach yourself how to love and honor this person as your husband. The husband that you yourself chose. It might not be that movie-like passionate love but it will be a mature, real life enduring love.

Pray God to help you in this and He will.

Best regards
 
Well, I agree that it may have been foolish, but beating myself up now only makes it worse. Infact, it makes me want to die. Is it wrong to pray for death? Anyway, I think I agree with the second post. It is possible for two strangers to love one another, and that is what I am trying to do. I guess I just get discouraged sometimes, because I want it to get easier. Also, my sister is 56, and she always wanted to marry, but no one ever came along for her. I am not sure if there is a perfect person out there for everyone because of her, and I know other single people in the same boat.
 
NO. PLEASE. DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!

Get yourself involved in something you like. Take piano lessons, join a church choir, exercise, do arts and crafts. Anything that you enjoy and that keeps you busy and makes you forget about your situation. In other words, take a vacation from your problem. Later on, you will be in better condition to try new things to build your marriage if that’s the route you want to go. No one will push you.

Also, take good care of yourself. Eat well, have some rest and make some time to look your best. You know, clothes, hair, make up. You don’t have to spend money. Just take the time to always look good. It does wonders to keep your energy level up in adverse situations.
 
Wow. You have NO idea how lucky you are. You won the lottery and you’re complaining about it.

You have a good man. Don’t hurt him and throw him away. He probably prayed to God to send him a loving wife. You apparently are the answer to his prayer. Now behave like that.

That will save your marriage. And I’ll tell you why. It is based on the psychological reality that feelings follow actions. If you treat someone like you hate them, you will feel hatred for them. If you treat someone like you love them, you will feel love. It’s called conditioning. You can train your brain to love someone.

You see, it works wonderfully with others. Stupid women like me marry a man who treats them awfully, and we spend all our time trying to please them and be affectionate, and we trained ourselves to love them more, despite their cruelty.

Imagine how that would have worked with a nice man!

Think of the positive encounters you have with strangers during the day. You don’t even know the people, but you greet them with a smile and you comment on the weather in the checkout line, you compliment their blouse or something… you go away feeling likeable and like the other person is nice too.

It’s called bonding. But it takes two to bond. You need to work harder to bond with your husband. He can’t do it all himself.

And guess what… those butterflies and all that gooshy love stuff from the movies isnt’ really love. Scientists have done MRIs on brains of people “in love” and it corresponds to the same regions that light up in insane people.

Start by each day going out of your way to smile at your husband, do some nice favors for him, show him affection, hold his hand when you go places. As you behave better toward him, you will find your feelings changing.

It’s why strangers who play lovers on a movie set often fall in love and run off with each other. They spend all day pretending they’re in love and then it happens.

The converse is also true. Ask anyone who has ever treated a person cruelly. The worse you treat them, the more guilty you feel., the more resentment you feel toward the object of your ill treatment, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

Before you fall into that cycle, you need to just treat the man with the dignity that a good prayerful faithful man who loves you deserves. Pretend it’s a movie set and you two are the stars. You can write your own love story. You just have to want to.
 
Thank you for your prayers.
You may find this hard to believe, but I have been married 18 years. That is a long time. For most of that time, I have been an evangelical christain. We just started returning to the catholic church this past 6 months. Evangelicals believe that once you are married, you are married. They don’t have this deal about valid marraiges and annulments. In my experience, I think that it is good to think this way, because even thinking about divorce in a situation like mine makes it worse. It makes me quit being commited to making it work somehow even if it is hard. Also, I don’t get how some people think that a difficult marraige situation is someones cross to carry, and for others, there is a way out. I dont want to make my husband pay for my bad judgement. If the cross I have to carry is what I am going through now is that cross, I will carry it. I think what I am asking is that is there any hope that I will ever feel better. I agree with the post that said that I need to take a vacation from this problem. That is how I have handled it in the past 18 years and guess what. I start liking my husband and feeling good about my marraige. I start to feel hopeful, and thankful and sometimes very secure. It doesn’t last though if I get lazy about my attitudes, but I guess I will never feel good about the poor decision that I made to get married under my circumstances. I just don’t want to make my husband pay for it now. Also, isn’t there forgiveness with God? Cant he forgive me? I also need to forgive myself. Also, isn’t God big enough for this? Won’t he give me grace? A verse that has always helped me is in Isaiah.
It says, “Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past, see God is doing a new thing. He is making a way in the desert” Perhaps I am in the desert, but God can make a way. Basically, I just need some encouragement that I am doing the right thing.
 
You are doing the right thing staying with your husband. If you have made it work 18 years, there is obviously something to work with.

Marriage is an earthly mirror of Christ’s love for His Bride, the Church. In marriage, a couple is supposed to be the face of God for the other spouse. By giving your spouse love, you reflect God’s love for them. And they grow in holiness and so do you. No, it shouldn’t be a cross. That comes with sin.

But it doesn’t have to be that way in your case.

Pray for your Husband. And stop telling yourself that marrying him was a poor decision. It was the best decision in your life. A poor decision would have been if you had married a man who recognized you didn’t like him and then sought to get even, or treated you badly in return. You somehow have married a very good man who has not returned your attitude in like form. You made a very good decision. Once you view him like that, other things will change.

You are kicking yourself because it wasn’t love at first sight or something like that? A great theologian named Alice von Hildebrand once said that love at first sight between spouses was a gift where we caught a glimpse of our spouse as God sees them, or sees that they can become. And our love for that person can help them to become that image in reality. If you could see your husband as God sees him, you would love him more.

The messages we tell ourselves can control our lives. And God can forgive anything. He can give you the grace. But you have to ask for the ability to see your husband as God sees him. That is as good a starting point as any. Good luck! 👍
 
You are a great woman. You have found your way for 18 years so far.

Somebody mentioned that you have to stop thinking that you made a mistake. From now on, don’t think that way.

Keep some kind of record of the things that you have done so far that have helped you in your marriage as well as how long good things last. You might be surprised to find out that they have exact cycles. For example, every so many months you get discouraged about your marriage. Once you recognize the pattern, you might be able to plan ahead and use the things that work best for you ahead of time. This way you would break the cycle.

Beware of routine. That’s everybody’s marriage first and worst enemy.

You sound better by now. I hope you do feel better by now.
 
“Evangelicals believe that once you are married, you are married.”

As long as there is no adultery or abuse, they do.
Otherwise, I am unaware of Evangelicals believing that divorce is not allowed. In fact, I am not aware of Evangelicals that believe divorce is never allowed. I also am not aware of any Evangelical that believes their marriage is a sacrament.

You don’t need to get a declaration of nullity for simply not being on fire for your husband. Is that why you left the catholic church to begin with? Not enough “on fire” christians for you?

You may end up just like your sister if that is the case.

Sorry if you don’t like what I am posting. I just think there are much bigger things to struggle with in life than being wowed or feeling like you are getting something out of “it”. You describe a situation with your spouse that makes me wonder what on earth would ever please you.🤷
 
notsmart said:
“Evangelicals believe that once you are married, you are married.”

As long as there is no adultery or abuse, they do.
Otherwise, I am unaware of Evangelicals believing that divorce is not allowed. In fact, I am not aware of Evangelicals that believe divorce is never allowed. I also am not aware of any Evangelical that believes their marriage is a sacrament.

You don’t need to get a declaration of nullity for simply not being on fire for your husband. Is that why you left the catholic church to begin with? Not enough “on fire” christians for you?

You may end up just like your sister if that is the case.

Sorry if you don’t like what I am posting. I just think there are much bigger things to struggle with in life than being wowed or feeling like you are getting something out of “it”. You describe a situation with your spouse that makes me wonder what on earth would ever please you.🤷
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I have to agree, If she met Mr. Perfect, I can assure you Mr. Perfect will be less than perfect in a few years and she will look back wishing for what she had. …I wish my wife had a husband as good as she has.
 
Hey people, relax. You are being rude

She is asking for help and prayers. She is really struggling with this and finding her way armirabily. Many women in her situation don’t hesitate to leave their husbands and she’s been there for 18 years and determined to go for more.

I don’t think Jesus would have told her what you have just said.
 
Mike_Dye said:
I have to agree, If she met Mr. Perfect, I can assure you Mr. Perfect will be less than perfect in a few years and she will look back wishing for what she had. …I wish my wife had a husband as good as she has.
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🙂

Sounds like your wife has a great guy.
 
Friend_forever said:
Hey people, relax. You are being rude

She is asking for help and prayers. She is really struggling with this and finding her way armirabily. Many women in her situation don’t hesitate to leave their husbands and she’s been there for 18 years and determined to go for more.

I don’t think Jesus would have told her what you have just said.
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What is a struggle to you?
A good christian that married you?
She makes no case to be unsatisfyed.
I don’t think Jesus condones whining.
Suck it up carry the cross, and follow me.
Or leave.
 
That is exactly what she is doing; carrying her cross and she is humble enough to not want to call it cross.
 
Friend_forever said:
That is exactly what she is doing; carrying her cross and she is humble enough to not want to call it cross.
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I would be humble to not call being married to a christian who is good to me, anything less than a blessing.
To her, its a curse. She wants to be done with it, after 18 years of his devotion. Because she just doesnt get something from it.
How could someone decide to dump a guy who has been guilty of nothing except… ?

What? What sin did he commit?

She is whining. Evangelicals “who dont believe in divorce” (oh, but they do under certian circumstances!!!)
Dont suddenly become catholics who dont allow divorce!
She does not qualify for a declaration of nullity from what she is posting here!
 
She is recognizing her husband’s qualities. That is how she starts her thread. And she is not giving up.

I hope you have a little bit of christian charity and stop judging her.
Again, she is asking for prayers.

Please pray for her.
 
I think you answered your own question…You said ,“I just wanted to find someone who was a good Christian man ,and he was ,and he is.”…Sounds like a keeper to me…You might not have that obsessed feeling of dreaming about him all day long, after 18 years, but i don’t think anyone does.We all tend to become familiar after awhile… It does sound like you care about his feelings and that you respect him and that says alot…Sounds like a great relationship…My prayers for you are that you fall in love with this guy all over again ,or maybe as you say, for the first time…May God guide you in the right direction for a loving and thriving faith filled marriage…In Jesus name, Amen…Warmly, LynneMarie
 
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