Do i marry him?

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seekingtruth411

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Im really desperate for some answers and im asking for your divine advice. Im at wits end and find myself going in circles with the same unanswered question: Do i marry him or not?
Ive already sought priest advice. 1 priest said NO!!! and the other said YES!!!
So as a last resort, i ask you for spiritual guidance. I feel lost in my own mind. Crazy.
Im depressed and miserable right now because last night turned out ugly. Im bruised because of an accident not that he did it intentional. He apologized for it and didnt meant to do it but he says i made him angry, so its my fault.
But in my heart, i know, that its his explosive anger tantrums that are to blame for the mild physical accidental abuse that i continue to suffer and somehow my instincts say i shouldnt marry this guy but when hes not angry, he is “the perfect God sent man that any catholic/christian woman would want as a lifelong companion” just dont **** him off and everything will be fine. Is this what marriage is like or am i confused? Please help. Thank you
 
seekingtruth411;11961505]Im really desperate for some answers and im asking for your divine advice. Im at wits end and find myself going in circles with the same unanswered question: Do i marry him or not?
Ive already sought priest advice. 1 priest said NO!!! and the other said YES!!!
So as a last resort, i ask you for spiritual guidance. I feel lost in my own mind. Crazy.
Im depressed and miserable right now because last night turned out ugly. Im bruised because of an accident not that he did it intentional. He apologized for it and didnt meant to do it but he says i made him angry, so its my fault.
But in my heart, i know, that its his explosive anger tantrums that are to blame for the mild physical accidental abuse that i continue to suffer and somehow my instincts say i s
If you have to come on here and ask, then that in and of itself is a problem.
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Do not marry someone when these kinds of doubts exists. That doesn’t mean you can never marry this person, but now would probably be a bad time. Marriage will not automatically make problems better.
houldnt marry this guy but when hes not angry, he is “the perfect God sent man that any catholic/christian woman would want as a lifelong companion”
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Pay attention to the caveat—“it’s great when he’s not angry”. :rolleyes:
to do it but he says i made him angry, so its my fault.
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Ohhhh, that’s rich. :rolleyes: It can also be manipulative. No good Catholic marriage can ever have that element in it! :nope:

Maybe you did make him angry. People make other people angry a lot. But how did he handle it? :o
just dont **** him off and everything will be fine. Is this what marriage is like or am i confused?
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Confused? Maybe. It probably would be the easy thing** in the short run** to just go along with it. I can tell you that abusers, liars and scammers count on that kind of mentality: “it’s too late to turn back now and it would be too much trouble too anyways”. :tsktsk:
Is this what marriage is like or am i confused? Please help. Thank you
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Walking around on eggshells is not what a marriage is like. It’s a hazard to your own health and to the marriage. A good marriage depends on communication, and you cannot do that if you’re worried about getting into a war every time or every other time you want to speak out.

So no, this situation is not ripe for marriage.
 
No, you should not marry someone with severe anger issues.

Mary.
 
No. In fact, I would run as far and as fast as I can in the opposite direction of this guy.

That whole “Oh, I didn’t mean to hurt you, but you made me mad so it’s your fault” is pretty much textbook behavior for an abuser.

You might also think about any future children you would have with this man. They would be brought up in a household where it is OK to physically and emotionally abuse another. Not only would they be learning that this is acceptable behavior for them to do to others, statistically they are at a high risk of being hurt by him as well.
 
Thank you my dear friend! May the Lord continue to use you to help steer the lost vessels. What IF his good actions outweigh his bad aggressive actions? I mean we r only human and we all respond negatively. With that said, does he still not make a good companion for catholic marriage for me?
 
No, do not marry him. He sounds abusive. Anger problems, hurting you, blaming you for being hurt because you “made him mad” and you feeling like it’s your job not to make him angry are all signs of abuse. By the way, this sort of thing almost always gets worse after marriage, and then again once children are born.

Hurting you, even “by accident” is a very bad sign. How many times has he hurt you “by accident” in the past? If it keeps happening, it’s probably not an accident, he’s just saying that to avoid blame and to turn the blame back on you.

No, this is not what marriage is supposed to be like, but you are right that if you do marry him you will constantly be walking on egg shells and trying not to **** him off for fear of being hurt. He may appear to be the perfect Christian man, but that just means he will charm others and it will be harder for you to get help and have people believe you if/when the abuse escalates to the point that you need to leave for your own safety.
 
seekingtruth411 said:
Im really desperate for some answers and im asking for your divine advice. Im at wits end and find myself going in circles with the same unanswered question: Do i marry him or not?
Ive already sought priest advice. 1 priest said NO!!! and the other said YES!!!
So as a last resort, i ask you for spiritual guidance. I feel lost in my own mind. Crazy.
Im depressed and miserable right now because last night turned out ugly. Im bruised because of an accident not that he did it intentional. He apologized for it and didnt meant to do it but he says i made him angry, so its my fault.
But in my heart, i know, that its his explosive anger tantrums that are to blame for the mild physical accidental abuse that i continue to suffer and somehow my instincts say i shouldnt marry this guy but when hes not angry, he is “the perfect God sent man that any catholic/christian woman would want as a lifelong companion” just dont **** him off and everything will be fine. Is this what marriage is like or am i confused? Please help. Thank you
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I’m thinking here about how I’d advise my own daughter in that situation. Perhaps this guy comes across as a nice guy to your family or to the Priest who said you should marry him and that can make your choice not to marry, difficult.

Here’s the thing. Unless he can understand that violent anger is completely unjustified (even if your injuries are accidents) and commit to changing by going to anger management classes or counselling… your only course of action is not to marry him.

This is the type of behaviour that grows worse when it is tolerated. He will not be able to experience the remorse needed to change, without some catalyst or consequences. You are in the best position now before marriage to be uncompromising about it. Don’t ever accept it. You need to let him know that this is a deal breaker for you and if he doesn’t address it seriously, you won’t be able to commit to a marriage with him. If you marry him without addressing this, you lose an enormous advantage in breaking this demon of abuse (that is what it is).
 
seekingtruth411 said:
Thank you my dear friend! May the Lord continue to use you to help steer the lost vessels. What IF his good actions outweigh his bad aggressive actions? I mean we r only human and we all respond negatively. With that said, does he still not make a good companion for catholic marriage for me?
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If a mother is usually a great parent and only breaks her child’s arm out of anger every 2 or 3 years is she a good parent or an abuser?

Sometimes it’s not the balance or percentage of the actions, but the issues that makes a person capable of them at all. Honestly, blaming you for his anger and for hurting you is more of a red flag to me than the actual hurt, because that means he could do much worse and still justify it in his own mind.
 
seekingtruth411 said:
Thank you my dear friend! May the Lord continue to use you to help steer the lost vessels. What IF his good actions outweigh his bad aggressive actions? I mean we r only human and we all respond negatively. With that said, does he still not make a good companion for catholic marriage for me?
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Here’s my “Dutch Uncle” take (which means it’s brutally frank, but very lovingly offered, with only your welfare in mind):

You are trying to rationalize and justify his behavior.
That is what battered women do.

The fact that He says it was your fault is a giant RED FLAG.

NO. Do not marry him.
I would also lovingly suggest you find some way to get some counseling before you develop another relationship, so you can come to terms with why you are willing to justify this man’s abuse. Otherwise you will likely end up a battered woman, either by him, or another one just like him.

Please…do this for your self and your future family.
 
No… and you already know this-listen to those warning bells going off in your head… THIS- is a good as it is ever going to be- so if it is starting now-it will only be worse behind closed doors… but the world will only see the " man that any woman would want"… while you live with his darker side… my heart breaks for you-love doesn’t do this and then blame you for his actions… sometimes people come into our lives as lessons from God-not to marry them…if you do marry him- go into it with your eyes wide open-see him as he is- not as you want him to be
 
seekingtruth411 said:
Im really desperate for some answers and im asking for your divine advice. Im at wits end and find myself going in circles with the same unanswered question: Do i marry him or not?
Ive already sought priest advice. 1 priest said NO!!! and the other said YES!!!
So as a last resort, i ask you for spiritual guidance. I feel lost in my own mind. Crazy.
Im depressed and miserable right now because last night turned out ugly. Im bruised because of an accident not that he did it intentional. He apologized for it and didnt meant to do it but he says i made him angry, so its my fault.
But in my heart, i know, that its his explosive anger tantrums that are to blame for the mild physical accidental abuse that i continue to suffer and somehow my instincts say i shouldnt marry this guy but when hes not angry, he is “the perfect God sent man that any catholic/christian woman would want as a lifelong companion” just dont **** him off and everything will be fine. Is this what marriage is like or am i** confused**? Please help. Thank you
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No, that is NOT what marriage is about.

First of all, under even the best circumstances, if you are having ANY doubts, you should not marry until you were sure. You aren’t sure, so DON’T marry him.

Yeah, when he’s not in an angry episode, he’s wonderful. However, were you to marry, you’d be expected to deal with the angry episodes and all. Also, don’t be surprised if, upon marriage, the episodes increase as he blames you for anything going wrong in his life. With you living in the same house, it’d be even more convenient to leave you bruised up, “accidentally”, of course.

I don’t know what your past history is, if you had any abuse in your family or not. Maybe you saw this, came to see it as normal. I really don’t know.

In any case, it is NOT okay to harm you.

You are saying you’re afraid to be alone, but that’s not a good enough reason to marry. There are all kinds of “red flags” going up, reasons why you should not only not marry him but stop seeing him, altogether, as far as I’m concerned.

You are NOT going to change him. I know you may tell yourself he’ll change. He WON’T. If you marry, it means you are accepting him as he is, abuse and all.

You probably have low self esteem, because otherwise, you would never tolerate abuse.

Now, it’s very easy to marry. You just go to a priest and say the words. It’s very difficult to separate or divorce, and as a Catholic, we’re not supposed to. You’d be stuck in that situation for the rest of your life.

If you were unhappy, you’d have to leave, and as a Catholic, not be able to remarry. He might make things miserable for you, as he already is.

I don’t hear you saying where he treats you well and that you’re happy, want to spend your life with him.

Now, you may have the idea that he is the only man on Earth, that if you break up, you will end up an old maid, but I doubt it. There are other men, and perhaps if you leave him, you might be able to find a man who will treat you better.

I’d encourage you to find some counseling, because just the fact that you’re even considering marrying an abusive man is not a good sign. A lot of times, women may be with an abusive man, break up, find another just like him, sometimes even worse.

So, please, find a counselor to help you break this pattern before it goes on any further. A lot of times, health insurance will cover a few visits. Don’t tell your boyfriend you’re going if you do decide to go.

I’m putting a hotline. Keep it in your cell phone, but put it under another name, so your boyfriend won’t suspect and hurt you for having it.

ncadv.org/learn/TheProblem.php

thehotline.org/

One last thing, what you described in your post is NOT love.
 
Run, don’t walk, away from this relationship. There is no such thing as “accidental” hurting some one. Please get counselling as soon as possible.

I will pray for you.
 
I suggest that you call the Women are safe hotline. They will give you excellent advice. It takes a lot of strength to get out of a relationship and stay out. This is not a good example of a possible good marriage. YOU do not need all this uncertainty. Please call them and discuss what is going on in your household. Sending prayers for you.
 
Annieemm said:
I suggest that you call the Women are safe hotline. They will give you excellent advice. It takes a lot of strength to get out of a relationship and stay out. This is not a good example of a possible good marriage. YOU do not need all this uncertainty. Please call them and discuss what is going on in your household. Sending prayers for you.
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👍
 
You need to realize that right now, marriage would not make this situation any better. It would probably just make you more inclined to defend his behavior and make more excuses while in the meantime risking emotional and physical abuse.

If you two got married today, where’s the incentive for him to change?
seekingtruth411;11961667]Thank you my dear friend! May the Lord continue to use you to help steer the lost vessels. What IF his good actions outweigh his bad aggressive actions?
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It’s not that simple of a balancing test. I hear women in troubled, doubtful relationships say the exact same thing.

Of course it’s never ALWAYS bad. No abusive relationship is. But it’s still an abusive relationship!

The fact of the matter is that these issues could and probably will get worse over time if you marry him with the mentality of walking on eggshells. That must change.
I mean we r only human and we all respond negatively.
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Taken to its logical conclusion, this
With that said, does he still not make a good companion for catholic marriage for me?
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If he works on the issues prior to marriage, then you may carefully reconsider the decision. But marriage should not be rushed or entered into with doubts like this.

It is a very different situation when someone doesn’t try. :yup:
 
SuperLuigi said:
It’s not that simple of a balancing test. I hear women in troubled, doubtful relationships say the exact same thing.

Of course it’s never ALWAYS bad. No abusive relationship is. But it’s still an abusive relationship!

The fact of the matter is that these issues could and probably will get worse over time if you marry him with the mentality of walking on eggshells. That must change.

Taken to its logical conclusion, this

**
If he works on the issues prior to marriage, then yes.** But marriage should not be rushed or entered into with doubts like this.

It is a very different situation when someone doesn’t try. :yup:
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It’s very difficult for someone like that to change. First of all, he’d need to admit to himself he has a problem. Is he ready to do that?

Even if he could, he’d need to go to counseling and completely change. It isn’t impossible, but it’s highly unlikely to a point that I wouldn’t pin my hopes on him changing.

They say women often enter relationships thinking, “He’ll change” or “I can change him”. Men often enter relationships thinking, “She’ll always remain the same”.

Don’t get married thinking you can change him. If you marry, it needs to be that you accept him exactly as he is.

Further, in the cycle of abuse, it’s common for abusers to have one point in the cycle where they may be quite nice, even apologize, say this will never, ever, happen again, but it always does.

He may come with gifts, flowers, etc. This is known as the “wine and roses” phase. Then, hugs, kisses, etc., all is forgotten, and then the violence resurfaces, and this whole cycle often repeats itself from the beginning.
 
Dear Seeking,
Your whole post is a gigantic red flag.
I married someone I was in love with. His anger seemed justified, it was always someone else’s fault.
It began with his throwing a wrench at me because of some car part that wouldn’t cooperate. It ended years later with his throwing a brick in my direction, that narrowly missed my two-year-old’s head. He had threatened to kill me many times, but by then my self esteem was so low I did nothing about it. I thought if I was just perfect enough . . . but when he endangered my son, I left. I told my minister I was filing for divorce, and the church found me a good lawyer and helped with the bills. I raised my two children alone, without child support.
I did not have to go through all that. If I had only listened to friends and family, and not married him.You do not have to go down the same road.
Run away from this guy. You cannot make someone else angry, and are not responsible for his hurting you. He is. He is not marriage material.
Praying for you, that you will avoid the mistake I made and the years of anguish.
 
You should not marry this man at this point. “Accidental” physical abuse is still abuse. The time to break up is not after the second or third or hundredth time. It is after the first.

No matter how wonderful this man is 99% of the time, if he is abusive 1% of the time it is too much. You are worth more than anybody who would physically harm you for any reason. Break up with this man, and do so in a semi-public place, and let God show you somebody who values you enough to respect you physically.

I am praying for you. Please know that you don’t deserve any of what this man has done to you.
 
ClearWater said:
It’s very difficult for someone like that to change. First of all, he’d need to admit to himself he has a problem. Is he ready to do that?

Even if he could, he’d need to go to counseling and completely change. It isn’t impossible, but it’s highly unlikely to a point that I wouldn’t pin my hopes on him changing.

They say women often enter relationships thinking, “He’ll change” or “I can change him”. Men often enter relationships thinking, “She’ll always remain the same”.

Don’t get married thinking you can change him. If you marry, it needs to be that you accept him exactly as he is.

Further, in the cycle of abuse, it’s common for abusers to have one point in the cycle where they may be quite nice, even apologize, say this will never, ever, happen again, but it always does.

He may come with gifts, flowers, etc. This is known as the “wine and roses” phase. Then, hugs, kisses, etc., all is forgotten, and then the violence resurfaces, and this whole cycle often repeats itself from the beginning.
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I reconsidered what I wrote and made an adjustment.

Everything you’ve said is a strong argument. 👍
 
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