Do i marry him?

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Im appalled at the fact that no one has had anything good to say about this man, my fiance. No, i dont come from, nor was i raised in an abusive home to see or know that abuse is okay. I know what abuse is, and it is not what he imposes on me. Abuse is intentional. Out of spite. Im not sure that u all are understanding my story. Here is a wonderful, God fearing man, whom has cheated on me in the past, however, he recognized his fault, repented, confessed it, reconciled with God and me, and he converted into a God fearing man. He does have anger problems and his anger is EXPLOSIVE!! However, we all have faults. Are u condemning a man because of his unintentional faults? Or am i BLIND to what is??
As Christian people, i thought accepting his psychotic behavior and forgiving him is “the Godly” thing to do?? He does lose his mind when he explodes and reacts psychotic however, i am at fault. Ive been in this relationship for a decade, but have not married him because often times i feel a tug of doubt in my soul. But then, i see the good in this man, and how Godly he is, that God indeed has created him for me. Lets be real here people. R u being fair to him by saying he is not ripe for marriage when we all have faults?? Please show me to the light of all this. 😔
 
Do seek counseling, from a domestic abuse center or battered woman hotline.
Do not blame yourself for injuries or any sort, or let anyone else tell you it’s your fault.
Do not try and weigh out the good and the bad, the pros and the cons - in this situation it is not applicable. Bad temper that leads to injury whether physical or mental is a major red flag, don’t stay with this man.
Pray and ask the Blessed Mother for her help through this time of trouble.

Leave immediately, as soon as you possibly can, seek counseling. God Bless you dearest.

Mary
 
seekingtruth411 said:
What IF his good actions outweigh his bad aggressive actions? I mean we r only human and we all respond negatively. With that said, does he still not make a good companion for catholic marriage for me?
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When you are weighing the good and the bad, the problem is that it might only be one thing that you see as wrong… but that thing is so fundamentally toxic that over many years it diminishes your sense of self worth and freedom so much that nothing can ever redeem it.

You have to see this thing in the big picture and not just in the moment. It might help you to do some self development work now that you are questioning this thing seriously. Even if it is a secular type course, you need another perspective from people that have seen the trajectory of abuse and how it erodes a person over many years.
 
seekingtruth411 said:
Im appalled at the fact that no one has had anything good to say about this man, my fiance. No, i dont come from, nor was i raised in an abusive home to see or know that abuse is okay. I know what abuse is, and it is not what he imposes on me. Abuse is intentional. Out of spite. Im not sure that u all are understanding my story. Here is a wonderful, God fearing man, whom has cheated on me in the past, however, he recognized his fault, repented, confessed it, reconciled with God and me, and he converted into a God fearing man. He does have anger problems and his anger is EXPLOSIVE!! However, we all have faults. Are u condemning a man because of his unintentional faults? Or am i BLIND to what is??
As Christian people, i thought accepting his psychotic behavior and forgiving him is “the Godly” thing to do?? He does lose his mind when he explodes and reacts psychotic however, i am at fault. Ive been in this relationship for a decade, but have not married him because often times i feel a tug of doubt in my soul. But then, i see the good in this man, and how Godly he is, that God indeed has created him for me. Lets be real here people. R u being fair to him by saying he is not ripe for marriage when we all have faults?? Please show me to the light of all this. ������
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We have answered your question which was do I marry him. You can take or leave our advice as you see fit.
Mary.
 
seekingtruth411 said:
Im appalled at the fact that no one has had anything good to say about this man, my fiance. No, i dont come from, nor was i raised in an abusive home to see or know that abuse is okay. I know what abuse is, and it is not what he imposes on me. Abuse is intentional. Out of spite. Im not sure that u all are understanding my story. Here is a wonderful, God fearing man, whom has cheated on me in the past, however, he recognized his fault, repented, confessed it, reconciled with God and me, and he converted into a God fearing man. He does have anger problems and his anger is EXPLOSIVE!! However, we all have faults. Are u condemning a man because of his unintentional faults? Or am i BLIND to what is??
As Christian people, i thought accepting his psychotic behavior and forgiving him is “the Godly” thing to do?? He does lose his mind when he explodes and reacts psychotic however, i am at fault. Ive been in this relationship for a decade, but have not married him because often times i feel a tug of doubt in my soul. But then, i see the good in this man, and how Godly he is, that God indeed has created him for me. Lets be real here people. R u being fair to him by saying he is not ripe for marriage when we all have faults?? Please show me to the light of all this. 😔
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I know I speak, unfortunately, from experience, and so do many others here. If you care to live what we have lived through, then it’s your life. However, you had posted here, asked for advice. We gave you advice based on the few paragraphs you wrote.

I used to defend people who were abusive of me, too, so this doesn’t surprise me.

We were trying to save you a lifetime of heartache, but if you really believe marriage is what you want, then you might need to learn this for yourself.

I will stop posting on this thread. It’s your life, your decision. We’ve done what we could, but later when you are posting to say, “He’s abusing the children now!”, don’t try to say we never cared enough to try to warn you.
 
seekingtruth411 said:
I He does lose his mind when he explodes and reacts psychotic however, i am at fault.😔
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Dear Seeking,
We are not condemning him, we are saying to let God work in his life, but don’t tie yourself to him in marriage.
Longing Soul is absolutely right, some things are deal breakers. His blaming you for his getting angry and saying it’s your fault – that’s someone not ready to marry. This kind of behavior only gets worse with time.
Loving boyfriends and spouses NEVER hurt their women. When’s the last time you hit or bruised a girlfriend of yours? Why would you do that?
Please do not marry him. God would spare you that misery.
 
seekingtruth411 said:
Im appalled at the fact that no one has had anything good to say about this man, my fiance. No, i dont come from, nor was i raised in an abusive home to see or know that abuse is okay. I know what abuse is, and it is not what he imposes on me. Abuse is intentional. Out of spite. Im not sure that u all are understanding my story. Here is a wonderful, God fearing man, whom has cheated on me in the past, however, he recognized his fault, repented, confessed it, reconciled with God and me, and he converted into a God fearing man. He does have anger problems and his anger is EXPLOSIVE!! However, we all have faults. Are u condemning a man because of his unintentional faults? Or am i BLIND to what is??
As Christian people, i thought accepting his psychotic behavior and forgiving him is “the Godly” thing to do?? He does lose his mind when he explodes and reacts psychotic however, i am at fault. Ive been in this relationship for a decade, but have not married him because often times i feel a tug of doubt in my soul. But then, i see the good in this man, and how Godly he is, that God indeed has created him for me. Lets be real here people. R u being fair to him by saying he is not ripe for marriage when we all have faults?? Please show me to the light of all this. ������
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This is a very strange reaction. There are many flaws and faults that we bring to our marriages. My own husband has a very short fuse and explosive temper, however in 26 years I’ve never been physically hurt in any way even accidentally. Perhaps you could explain how the ‘accidents’ happened to make us understand what lead up to such a consequence?
 
Not only, don’t marry him. Please get away. It is very difficult to make clear headed, balanced decisions when you are in constant, close proximity to the person you hope to make a clear headed decision about. If getting away from him will be difficult please enlist the help of a domestic violence hotline, and supportive family and friends that you trust not to tell him any information about where you are.
 
In your heart you know it isn’t safe to marry this man.
He is already trying to convince you that his abuse of you is your fault.
It isn’t. It’s his nature or characteristic behavior.

If you stay around him or with him he will soon have you convinced that all his abuse and anger is your fault and you won’t be able to think for yourself.
He may try to guilt you into staying with him and will probably fight hard to keep you, even if by apologising and being really kind for a little while.
Please don’t be fooled by his efforts to manipulate you into staying with him. And protect yourself.
His character is already evident, and if you marry him you will be fearful and unhappy and so will any children you might have.

My prayers for your safety and for a peaceful happy life where you are genuinely loved.

God bless you,

Trishie
 
Do not marry this man. An angry and violent man does not need a girlfriend…he needs a psychiatrist !!!

I married a man who did not consummate the marriage, verbally insulted me thru name calling, put downs and finally hitting, kicking and strangling me…

The marriage is annulled but that experience has wounded my soul deeply… How a human being can treat another person so cruelly…mplease save yourself from all the hurt…

A person will never change…
 
I’m appalled that you are appalled and trying to defend him and rationalize his bad behavior…he’s cheated on you and has anger issues that subsequently produce physically harmful “accidents” that are “your fault”… even if there were no physical abuses- the mental abuse of having to tiptoe around his reactions- is palpable-and then in defense you use words to describe his behavior as EXPLOSIVE and psychotic behavior… If you’ve been together 10 years- you already know him- you certainly don’t need our advice…nor it seems want it when you hear it
 
God does not want us to be doormats. Accepting bad behavior is not what God calls us to do. Being Christian does not mean you should allow bad behavior or abuse. You should pray for him and wish him good things but you should not marry him.

Love is wishing the best thing for someone else. It is not a feeling. You are stuck in a feeling and it is, unfortunately, what most of the human race operates on. Feelings are deceitful and can steer us in the wrong direction.

I will pray for you and for him. You need to please see things for what they are. You have been given good advice and I know you do not want to see it. But please, pray on this heavily before you make a decision.

I say this from experience.

:gopray:
 
seekingtruth411 said:
Im appalled at the fact that no one has had anything good to say about this man, my fiance.
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Maybe that is because we don’t believe that a man that beats up his fiance is a good man.
He does have anger problems and his anger is EXPLOSIVE!! However, we all have faults. Are u condemning a man because of his unintentional faults? Or am i BLIND to what is??
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Are you willing to be beat to a bloody pulp because he has an “unintentional fault?” Because that is what is going to happen to you.
As Christian people, i thought accepting his psychotic behavior and forgiving him is “the Godly” thing to do??
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The Church has taught forgiveness. That Church has never taught that you must marry such a person and put yourself in harm’s way.
He does lose his mind when he explodes and reacts psychotic however, i am at fault.
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You are not at fault for his behavior. However, it is 100% your fault if you marry him and put yourself in danger. Don’t do it. None of us here wish to see you as the next statistic.
 
I was in a marriage for 24 years with a man who always said “if you didn’t **** me off, and would always OBEY INSTANTLY, I wouldn’t HAVE to hurt you!” I lost 5 babies to this abuse, and finally, through a very wise friend and a wise Bishop I was helped to escape, hide out and finally obtain a civil divorce. After 2 years I was able to obtain an annulment through the Catholic Church. What is strange is that everyone I knew said what a WONDERFUL, CHRISTIAN man he was! They (especially other women) thought he was SO kind, such a “teddy bear” and so “gentle”. His gentleness caused me numerous broken arms, fingers, and legs and ribs, plus the babies that were miscarried due to his anger and “accidental” injuries to me! THIS IS NOT WHAT MARRIAGE SHOULD BE LIKE! I also wondered about marrying him, but my Mother insisted he was so great, and I should go ahead and marry him. BIG MISTAKE!!!

When in my 50’s, I did remarry, a widower, who converted to Catholic, very gentle, very devout, and who NEVER even held my hand hard enough to be uncomfortable, and certainly did never hurt me physically at all. How I wish I had RUN instead of marrying that first time!!! Run, don’t walk, and get some counseling for yourself!!! Like me, you probably are lacking self-esteem, tend to see only good in others, and forgive readily. Sometimes these are weaknesses and abusive men can spot them a mile away and this is exactly what they want in a wife – one they can dominate and abuse, while outside the home everyone talks of how wonderful they are! I was threatened with beating if I attended Mass, and did get quite a few for going to Mass – he, it turned out – hated the Catholic faith, although we were married in a Catholic Mass! People still wonder (back where he lives) why I left such a wonderful man!! He has also remarried - and I feel sorry for her because I know what she is now living with!! (By the way – he picked another Catholic for a wife!)

Get out and get some counseling to improve your own self-esteem, then, like me, you can find a truly good and loving husband. And, if you do it now, you won’t endure the heartache of a quarter century of abuse and the deaths of unborn babies or abused children!
 
Maybe you both need counseling.
I hope things work out for the best.
 
I CANT connect to what u all are advicing me. I feel like im disconnected from what u all r saying. I feel mentally fogged up. Unclear. Blurred.
I appreciate your every thought, prayer, wisdom, and concern. To say that no one changes is LACK OF TRUST and FAITH in God.
Accidents like my wrists turn out mildly sire or sprained from when hes grabbed me during his unconscious and elated blow ups. A twisted finger here and there from struggling to break away from him. A blown vein or vessel in my body from tortourous unintentional acts to get away from him. These accidents are NOT done because he wants to hurt me. Hes not in his right mind when all this occurs. Besides, he is very compassionate to apologize after hes cooled off. Isnt this what arguments in ur marriage look like? Honesty please is appreciated.
 
seekingtruth411 said:
I CANT connect to what u all are advicing me. I feel like im disconnected from what u all r saying. I feel mentally fogged up. Unclear. Blurred.
I appreciate your every thought, prayer, wisdom, and concern. To say that no one changes is LACK OF TRUST and FAITH in God.
Accidents like my wrists turn out mildly sire or sprained from when hes grabbed me during his unconscious and elated blow ups. A twisted finger here and there from struggling to break away from him. A blown vein or vessel in my body from tortourous unintentional acts to get away from him. These accidents are NOT done because he wants to hurt me. Hes not in his right mind when all this occurs. Besides, he is very compassionate to apologize after hes cooled off. Isnt this what arguments in ur marriage look like? Honesty please is appreciated.
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No, dear. This is not what typical marital arguments look like. No one should ever touch a spouse in anger. Even one time is too many.
 
Thank you all again. Judy nurse and to all those of u who pained and suffered abuse, my heartfelt empathy to you all. I praise God that you survived and overcame evil! I will have to wait it out then. I will be checking on here periodically. I am seeking counseling because he repeatedly tells me that im messed up in my head. So yes, im taking the first step to recovery. Thank you all much! 😘
 
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