Do i marry him?

[TheWarriorMonk]

Accidents like my wrists turn out mildly sire or sprained from when hes grabbed me during his unconscious and elated blow ups. A twisted finger here and there from struggling to break away from him. A blown vein or vessel in my body from tortourous unintentional acts to get away from him. These accidents are NOT done because he wants to hurt me. Hes not in his right mind when all this occurs. Besides, he is very compassionate to apologize after hes cooled off. Isnt this what arguments in ur marriage look like? Honesty please is appreciated.

That is not what an argument in any marriage resembling normalcy look like.

When I was growing up, I knew a couple that had such a marriage. One day, I asked my mother why our neighbor had things around an her mouth and couldn’t talk. She said she had an accident. I later found out it was because her nice husband, who just didn’t happen to be in his right mind at the time, shattered her jaw.

You do not marry a person such as this. Never. Simply entertaining the thought indicates that you need counseling. If you marry him, you will eventually need rehab, in addition to counseling.

Leave now, and don’t look back.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I am seeking counseling because he repeatedly tells me that im messed up in my head. So yes, im taking the first step to recovery. Thank you all much!

This indicates that he is mentally abusive, as well as physically abusive. Please don’t waste anymore of you life with this person.

 

[NFPWife]

Im appalled at the fact that no one has had anything good to say about this man, my fiance. No, i dont come from, nor was i raised in an abusive home to see or know that abuse is okay. I know what abuse is, and it is not what he imposes on me. Abuse is intentional. Out of spite. Im not sure that u all are understanding my story. Here is a wonderful, God fearing man, whom has cheated on me in the past, however, he recognized his fault, repented, confessed it, reconciled with God and me, and he converted into a God fearing man. He does have anger problems and his anger is EXPLOSIVE!! However, we all have faults. Are u condemning a man because of his unintentional faults? Or am i BLIND to what is??
As Christian people, i thought accepting his psychotic behavior and forgiving him is “the Godly” thing to do?? He does lose his mind when he explodes and reacts psychotic however, i am at fault. Ive been in this relationship for a decade, but have not married him because often times i feel a tug of doubt in my soul. But then, i see the good in this man, and how Godly he is, that God indeed has created him for me. Lets be real here people. R u being fair to him by saying he is not ripe for marriage when we all have faults?? Please show me to the light of all this.

Explain to me how he’s a “godly” man. What makes him godly? He’s cheated, he has anger issues, you describe him as having “psychotic” episodes in which he’s “blacked out” when harming you. Let’s assume for a second that I believe he’s blacked out when this occurs. He’s not seeking treatment?? That’s makes me lean towards disbelief on the blackouts. Anyone who legitimately blacks out will be looking for an answer. I blacked out once (didn’t hurt anyone, BTW) and spent a week off work getting tests before I was cleared to drive and return to work.

He blacks out AND he blames you for making him angry. If I connect the dots here, I bet he blames you for making him angry enough to blackout, too. Therefore, no part of this is his fault. And, he convinces you that a large portion of it is your fault and has you seeking treatment.

Husbands are supposed to lay down their lives for their wives. This man isn’t even getting treatment for an extreme anger problem. He’s not husband material. You’re WASTING prime years on a man who is not ready for marriage. His psychological state is one that I doubt he could legitimately enter into a sacramental marriage.

A husband is supposed to help get his wife to Heaven - not send her there early! Stop mission dating. Move on.

 

[LongingSoul]

Thank you all again. Judy nurse and to all those of u who pained and suffered abuse, my heartfelt empathy to you all. I praise God that you survived and overcame evil! I will have to wait it out then. I will be checking on here periodically. I am seeking counseling because he repeatedly tells me that im messed up in my head. So yes, im taking the first step to recovery. Thank you all much! ������

It’s almost as if you have the text books open in front of you to describe battered ‘wife’ syndrome. I hope and pray that by the grace of God you are able to escape this situation.

God bless.

 

[thewanderer]

OP, you’ve heard everyone here, the answer is simply no. Honestly, the real thing I am shocked about is the fact that of the two priests you asked about this you happened to find even one that actually advised you to marry this man!!! Go ask more priests, there is no way you will find even close to a 50-50 split between those who advise you to marry him and those that advise you to RUN, honestly I doubt you will find even one more priest who would advise you to enter such a terrible situation. This is not what a good marriage looks like, at all.

 

[Avocadomom]

Should you marry him?

Oh, yes. Right away. He sounds like a peach. A real winner.

Seriously? Seriously?!?!

I don’t necessarily even believe that this is real, but your fiancé sounds like a beast that will eventually kill you. Obviously you should run, not walk, out of his life completely and forever.

 

[LongingSoul]

Martin Seligman is a respected analyst in Catholic circles. Here is some information on his theory of Learned helplessness.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness

Do something now to improve your situation. Don’t ‘wait and see’.

 

[Mayita30]

I CANT connect to what u all are advicing me. I feel like im disconnected from what u all r saying. I feel mentally fogged up. Unclear. Blurred.
I appreciate your every thought, prayer, wisdom, and concern. To say that no one changes is LACK OF TRUST and FAITH in God.

God gives us free will. Free will to do what is right from wrong, free will to be kind, patient, humble, generous, etc… It is a choice.

He can change if he wants to but you can never change a person. An angry person most of the time is an insecure an selfish person. The symptoms are all common. Don’t think for a second that you are to be blamed becuase of his angry outburst… Please read about Passive aggressive people.

This problem will escalate once you are married. Think twice before getting pressure into getting married.

 

[Bluberry]

No dear, don’t marry him. Severe anger issues mean a lot, it could mean that he has some unresolved issues from his past, and you’ll live a life of misery. It’s ok to get angry, but not ok if it’s fast and leads to physical abuse.
You will find the right man for you somewhere else, because respect is also one basis of a good marriage.

 

[Kal2012]

Im appalled at the fact that no one has had anything good to say about this man, my fiance. Are u condemning a man because of his unintentional faults? Or am i BLIND to what is??
As Christian people, i thought accepting his psychotic behavior and forgiving him is “the Godly” thing to do?? Lets be real here people. R u being fair to him by saying he is not ripe for marriage when we all have faults?? Please show me to the light of all this.

I really can’t read the rest of this thread, if you are going to continue to defend this guy.

It really should say something that everyone (who are complete internet strangers) agree that this guy is a loser and you shouldn’t marry him. However, since you want everyone’s opinion: here’s mine:

**This guy should be in jail. He isn’t husband material. **

The fact that a priest said that it was okay to marry this guy scares the hell out of me. It is not okay to marry someone who would hit you. The fact that you are trolling for someone to agree with you and justify marrying this guy tells me that you want to keep living in denial and pretending there isn’t anything wrong. Wake up!!!

You deserve so much better.

**Bottom Line: Real men don’t hit their woman. ** Ever!

Accepting someone’s behavior is different than tolerating it. Personally, I’d accept that this person is a woman beater and get out of the relationship.

Unless he wants therapy and gets help, he’s not going to change. Don’t bring a young child into the situation. He won’t think twice about hitting that child either.

I also don’t care if he claims to be a Christian. Jesus never beat the women he spent time with. Real Christian men find other ways to deal with their anger.

Does your “future husband” meet this standard?

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, 27 so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind—yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 because we are members of his body.[a]

To me, and a lot of us, the answer is a clear NO. He doesn’t care for you like that.

 

[heidi_storage]

I suggest we stop posting. If this is a troll, it won’t do any good to feed him or her.

If the OP is real, then she won’t listen to what we say.

 

[agnes_therese]

Hes not in his right mind when all this occurs. Besides, he is very compassionate to apologize after hes cooled off. Isnt this what arguments in ur marriage look like? Honesty please is appreciated.

NO. Arguments in a real marriage do NOT look like that. A REAL husband does NOT beat up his wife. A REAL husband does NOT blame his wife for his own misbehavior.

Hon, you need to run. Run now, run fast. Report every single incident to the police, and find out how to get a protective order. Break off all contact with this guy, change your phone number, change your email, change the locks on your doors.

This man is well on the road to killing you.

 

[sdeco]

Of course the OP shouldn’t marry this guy. I really hope she gets the help she needs and gets out. But I’m really getting tired of the victim blaming going on here. I am continually amazed at how people treat battered women as if they’re stupid. The reality is ANYONE can find themselves in an abusive relationship. If you think you’re too smart and perfect to ever be in an abusive relationship, you need to get off your high horse. Abuse is very insidious and can happen to anyone, and sometimes it takes a long time to recognize that your relationship is abusive. Calling the OP a troll and getting mad at her for defending him is not going to help. It is just going to make her defensive and send her back to the abuser.

If you really want her to get out of the relationship, you don’t say things like “how can you be so stupid to stay with this guy?” Which is essentially what you people are saying.

 

[heidi_storage]

Of course the OP shouldn’t marry this guy. I really hope she gets the help she needs and gets out. But I’m really getting tired of the victim blaming going on here. I am continually amazed at how people treat battered women as if they’re stupid. The reality is ANYONE can find themselves in an abusive relationship. If you think you’re too smart and perfect to ever be in an abusive relationship, you need to get off your high horse. Abuse is very insidious and can happen to anyone, and sometimes it takes a long time to recognize that your relationship is abusive. Calling the OP a troll and getting mad at her for defending him is not going to help. It is just going to make her defensive and send her back to the abuser.

If you really want her to get out of the relationship, you don’t say things like “how can you be so stupid to stay with this guy?” Which is essentially what you people are saying.

Absolutely, abuse can be very insidious and take a long time to be recognized. And no one is saying that the abuser isn’t responsible for his own behavior–certainly, he is. We’ve had lots of posters on here who are in abusive relationships.

This post is a bit different. It’s like a caricature. The OP may be for real, but the way her posts go they seem deliberately inflammatory–presenting a really obvious situation, then getting mad at everyone pointing out the obviousness. I don’t think it’s victim-blaming to speculate on whether this is a troll post, because it has certain characteristics of one.

If the OP is really in this situation, then she needs to get out. Now. Promptly. It is not victim-blaming to tell the OP this. Many people on the thread have told her so, and to suggest otherwise would be a disservice to her. However, we have had many responses of this nature, and the OP apparently doesn’t want to hear them. That’s why I say that it’s no longer useful for people to be posting on this thread.

 

[MacQ]

I CANT connect to what u all are advicing me. I feel like im disconnected from what u all r saying. I feel mentally fogged up. Unclear. Blurred.
I appreciate your every thought, prayer, wisdom, and concern. To say that no one changes is LACK OF TRUST and FAITH in God.
Accidents like my wrists turn out mildly sire or sprained from when hes grabbed me during his unconscious and elated blow ups. A twisted finger here and there from struggling to break away from him. A blown vein or vessel in my body from tortourous unintentional acts to get away from him. These accidents are NOT done because he wants to hurt me. Hes not in his right mind when all this occurs. Besides, he is very compassionate to apologize after hes cooled off. Isnt this what arguments in ur marriage look like? Honesty please is appreciated.

Here’s the thing, Seeking:
Batterers are always charming, wonderful guys in public.
They always apologize, sometimes tearfully, after they batter or cheat, and promise not to do it again.

They do not “change” as long as they have a willing victim who takes it and accepts it, and even defends them.
It’s part of a cycle of sickness. Your cooperation is required to keep the cycle going.
Marrying him won’t change that. May even escalate it.

Can he change?
Maybe. No one said he couldn’t. The question is will he?

And the answer is that ** he won’t unless you do**.
Even then he may not. He may just move on to another willing victim.
Unless you agree to continue filling that role. He may anyway, if he needs more than one victim.

Extricate yourself…find space and time away. Get counseling. If drinking is involved, go to Al-Anon. Your perspective is damaged by the years you have spent with this behavior, and you’re in need of repair. You are the picture of the mentality of a battered woman, regardless of how “minor” you say your injuries are.

Pray for him. But do it apart from him.

 

[sdeco]

The OP may be for real, but the way her posts go they seem deliberately inflammatory–presenting a really obvious situation, then getting mad at everyone pointing out the obviousness.

Well, sure, it’s obvious to you. But it’s never obvious to the person who is being abused. The posters on this thread aren’t even trying to put themselves in her shoes. They are just wagging their fingers at her. But that is what I’ve come to expect from this forum.

A lot of the responses have been sarcastic (“Oh, yes. Right away. He sounds like a peach. A real winner.”) Or getting mad at her (“The fact that you are trolling for someone to agree with you and justify marrying this guy tells me that you want to keep living in denial and pretending there isn’t anything wrong. Wake up!!!”) I guarantee you that saying these things WILL NOT HELP HER. If you folks really cared about helping her rather than pontificating, you wouldn’t get sarcastic and angry with her.

 

[heidi_storage]

Well, sure, it’s obvious to you. But it’s never obvious to the person who is being abused. The posters on this thread aren’t even trying to put themselves in her shoes. They are just wagging their fingers at her. But that is what I’ve come to expect from this forum.

A lot of the responses have been sarcastic (“Oh, yes. Right away. He sounds like a peach. A real winner.”) Or getting mad at her (“The fact that you are trolling for someone to agree with you and justify marrying this guy tells me that you want to keep living in denial and pretending there isn’t anything wrong. Wake up!!!”) I guarantee you that saying these things WILL NOT HELP HER. If you folks really cared about helping her rather than pontificating, you wouldn’t get sarcastic and angry with her.

Most of the responses have been detailed, compassionate, filled with personal advice. The OP seems determined to listen to none of them. And again, there are LOTS of abusive situations here where the victim doesn’t recognize the abuse–I realize that. However, I stand by what I’ve said.

Regarding trolling: Things like, “he’s wonderful, yeah, he cheated on me, but then he was sorry” do not sound authentic. Maybe they are, and apologies to the OP if this is so–but again, I don’t think I’m completely ridiculous for wondering if this is for real.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Im really desperate for some answers and im asking for your divine advice. Im at wits end and find myself going in circles with the same unanswered question: Do i marry him or not?
Ive already sought priest advice. 1 priest said NO!!! and the other said YES!!!
So as a last resort, i ask you for spiritual guidance. I feel lost in my own mind. Crazy.
Im depressed and miserable right now because last night turned out ugly. Im bruised because of an accident not that he did it intentional. He apologized for it and didnt meant to do it but he says i made him angry, so its my fault.
But in my heart, i know, that its his explosive anger tantrums that are to blame for the mild physical accidental abuse that i continue to suffer and somehow my instincts say i shouldnt marry this guy but when hes not angry, he is “the perfect God sent man that any catholic/christian woman would want as a lifelong companion” just dont **** him off and everything will be fine. Is this what marriage is like or am i confused? Please help. Thank you

It is NEVER the victim’s fault that he/she is being abused. You have done NOTHING to MAKE him violent. If you are suffering ANY kind of physical abuse, you need to GET OUT. Marriage is NOT like that. A man is supposed to be prepared to lay down his life for his wife, as Christ laid down His life for the Church. Think of it this way: if your daughter were in such a situation, would you tell her to remain with this man? Eventually, it is a very real possibility that the abuse will get worse. Not ****ing him off, frankly, will not help the abuse. If you become pregnant, it’s likely that the abuse will become more serious. You need to leave NOW.

A few tips:

1. Squirrel away as much cash as you can, whenever you can. He can track you through a credit card or a bank card (or, if you have a joint account, he can freeze it). He can’t track a cash transaction.
2. Get copies of important documents, such as your passport and your birth certificate together.
3. Phone a distress line or a domestic violence shelter. If he’s monitoring your phone calls, make sure you call something innocuous such as the Weather Network or something afterward, so if he hits “redial” that’s all he’ll get.
4. When you do leave, go somewhere safe. Find out the quality of security available at your local shelter. It’s often best not to go to family and friends as he could track you down there. Unfortunately, violence can escalate to the level of homicide when a victim tries to leave.
5. Know that NONE of this is your fault. You did NOT tell him to raise his hand against you. He needs some serious help, and you need to leave before you get seriously hurt. Ask St. Rita of Cascia, herself an abused wife, to pray for you.

 

[MacQ]

Well, sure, it’s obvious to you. But it’s never obvious to the person who is being abused. The posters on this thread aren’t even trying to put themselves in her shoes. They are just wagging their fingers at her. But that is what I’ve come to expect from this forum.

A lot of the responses have been sarcastic (“Oh, yes. Right away. He sounds like a peach. A real winner.”) Or getting mad at her (“The fact that you are trolling for someone to agree with you and justify marrying this guy tells me that you want to keep living in denial and pretending there isn’t anything wrong. Wake up!!!”) I guarantee you that saying these things WILL NOT HELP HER. If you folks really cared about helping her rather than pontificating, you wouldn’t get sarcastic and angry with her.

You make a good point…but in defense of most of the posts I’ve seen, people aren’t being driven by sarcasm or anger. They are fearful for her state.I know I am.
And I think most are taking pains to be absolutely clear (and perhaps blunt)…probably in reaction to the OP’s equivocating. So as not to unwittingly give her another rationalization or excuse to seize on to justify staying in denial, as folks in her situation are prone to do.
I think most of the posts have been made out of sincere concern for this lady. She is in a very tenuous situation.
Meanwhile, perhaps you could post something to her more along the lines of what you think might help.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Im really desperate for some answers and im asking for your divine advice. Im at wits end and find myself going in circles with the same unanswered question: Do i marry him or not?
Ive already sought priest advice. 1 priest said NO!!! and the other said YES!!!
So as a last resort, i ask you for spiritual guidance. I feel lost in my own mind. Crazy.
Im depressed and miserable right now because last night turned out ugly. Im bruised because of an accident not that he did it intentional. He apologized for it and didnt meant to do it but he says i made him angry, so its my fault.
But in my heart, i know, that its his explosive anger tantrums that are to blame for the mild physical accidental abuse that i continue to suffer and somehow my instincts say i shouldnt marry this guy but when hes not angry, he is “the perfect God sent man that any catholic/christian woman would want as a lifelong companion” just dont **** him off and everything will be fine. Is this what marriage is like or am i confused? Please help. Thank you

Go with you gut. The anger issue would be enough for me to call it quits but only you know him and only you can really answer your own question. Ask yourself the question this way. Would you advise a friend to marry him? If not then you have your answer.