Do not want to have children with my husband

[sydney28]

I have posted here awhile back about my marriage issues, but a new and more serious one has arisen and I’m just looking for some insight.

Since being married (3 years) I’ve been concerned about my husband’s ability to be a good father, but more recently I have come to realize that not only would he not be a responsible father, but his lack of spirituality would be detrimental to our future childrens’ journey to Heaven.

With the world of internet, facebook, etc, I have come to learn a lot about many of my friends from my youth who grew up with me in the church - went on retreats, missions, church camps. Were in my confirmation class, etc. If I look at my confirmation group photo, there are only a handful of us who are still devout, practicing Catholics. The ones of us who are had parents who were both devout Catholics and were more strict in our upbringing. Those whose parents were more lenient or were in mixed religion marriages seem to be the ones who have fallen away.

When we dated, my husband seemed interested in the Catholic church. He attended RCIA, came with me to bible study, attended mass with me each weekend. When he joined the military and was away on his own he wrote me letters telling me about how he was going to Mass on his own. I was encouraged and thought that he was truly interested in raising children in a devoted Catholic family.

Well flash foward a few years and he has lost all interest in not only the Catholic faith, but any sort of faith. Getting him to go to mass with me is worse than trying to convince a 5 year old to go.

And while I am aware that pets are QUITE different than children, we recently got a dog, and he is totally irresponsible when it comes to her care. The dog has caused even more fights than usual…if that is even possible…because I can’t trust him to take care of her when I’m not there. And I’m supposed to trust him with a baby?

Anyhow, I feel very strongly that bringing a child into our marriage would not only cause us to self-destruct, but would also lead to the loss of the child’s soul to an increasingly secular, atheistic society.

I’ve always wanted a large family, but the thought of having children with my husband scares me to death.

 

[Magicsilence]

And while I am aware that pets are QUITE different than children, we recently got a dog, and he is totally irresponsible when it comes to her care. The dog has caused even more fights than usual…if that is even possible…because I can’t trust him to take care of her when I’m not there. And I’m supposed to trust him with a baby?

Anyhow, I feel very strongly that bringing a child into our marriage would not only cause us to self-destruct, but would also lead to the loss of the child’s soul to an increasingly secular, atheistic society.

I’ve always wanted a large family, but the thought of having children with my husband scares me to death.

I think you are doing a good thing by thinking this over, because from what you have said it sounds like you husband has no idea of what it means to be married.

I am highly worried that you can’t trust him with the dog on its own. I mean, dogs take care of themselves, for the most part

I know there are many others on this board who have experience with their DH not sharing their faith, and I hope they’ll be able to give some practical advice

God Bless,

 

[gardenswithkids]

…I’m just looking for some insight.
…When we dated, my husband seemed interested in the Catholic church. He attended RCIA, came with me to bible study, attended mass with me each weekend. When he joined the military and was away on his own he wrote me letters telling me about how he was going to Mass on his own. I was encouraged and thought that he was truly interested in raising children in a devoted Catholic family.

Well flash foward a few years and he has lost all interest in not only the Catholic faith, but any sort of faith. Getting him to go to mass with me is worse than trying to convince a 5 year old to go.

And while I am aware that pets are QUITE different than children, we recently got a dog, and he is totally irresponsible when it comes to her care. The dog has caused even more fights than usual…if that is even possible…because I can’t trust him to take care of her when I’m not there. And I’m supposed to trust him with a baby? …

No guarantees, but since you asked for insight, here’s some of my thoughts based on my own experience…

Children stretch their parents in many ways; the growing baby stretching his mommy’s belly is just the beginning. That parental stretching frequently puts stresses on their marriage, but when done well it helps the parents grow and mature as the child grows and mature. Being good parents means the parents must overcome their own childish behavior for the sake of the children. Children change their parents. Love inspires us to be better people–you witnessed that when you were dating your husband.

My husband is a much better man and I am a much better woman because of our children. We had a child early in our marriage, and while adjusting to parenthood caused some difficulty, parenthood ultimately helped us and our marriage as it forced us to became less focussed on ourselves for the sake of our child.

Selecting a man as a husband means selecting the father of potential future children. You had some clues before marriage that love inspired your husband to seek better for himself as well as his beloved. While I certainly understand your concerns, life involves taking some risks. Again, no guarantees, but I suspect failing to take a chance on parenting will limit the spiritual maturation of *both *of you.

I Timothy 2:15 “But she will be saved through motherhood, provided women persevere in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.” Children often inspire their parents to persevere in faith, love and holiness with self-control. That holy behavior described by St. Paul from a wife&mother often inspires similar behavior from the husband&father.

 

[notsmart]

This is quite a dillemma. I know that catholics must agree to be open to children in marriage. Is there a way around that? It seems to be a requirement, not a request.

 

[monicatholic]

I know that catholics must agree to be open to children in marriage. Is there a way around that? It seems to be a requirement, not a request.

if there’s grave reason to avoid prtegnancy, then a couple should avoid or postpone pregnancy until the reasons have been solved. if the reasons are such as the OP described, it seems as if there could be a reason for annulment, too. a Catholic marriage must encompass the catholic understainding of marriage to be valid.

children have, indeed, made my husband and i better people, but we didn’t birth children in order to solve foundational problems in our marriage.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

children have, indeed, made my husband and i better people, but we didn’t birth children in order to solve foundational problems in our marriage.

**
Very good point… just because children CAN help us grow and mature doesn’t mean that it always happens. We have to accept it, just as we have to accept God’s grace or any other gift.

If we have serious doubts as to our spouse’s ability to parent we owe it to our future children to do our best to sort it out before they arrive… **

 

[nmoerbeek]

if there’s grave reason to avoid prtegnancy, then a couple should avoid or postpone pregnancy until the reasons have been solved. if the reasons are such as the OP described, it seems as if there could be a reason for annulment, too. a Catholic marriage must encompass the catholic understainding of marriage to be valid.

children have, indeed, made my husband and i better people, but we didn’t birth children in order to solve foundational problems in our marriage.

Forgive my ignorance, but why are their grounds for annulment here? Their is no reference to in her post to her husband forbidding the kids from being raised catholic.

 

[monicatholic]

Forgive my ignorance, but why are their grounds for annulment here? Their is no reference to in her post to her husband forbidding the kids from being raised catholic.

OPs description:

he has lost all interest in not only the Catholic faith, but any sort of faith.

but you are right, nm, this was not the situation when they got married. presumably (i accept your correction here) they were married with understanding of catholic marriage.

still, her husband’s spiritual decay could be grave reason to avoid pregnancy using licit means, like NFP.

 

[whatevergirl]

I have posted here awhile back about my marriage issues, but a new and more serious one has arisen and I’m just looking for some insight.

Since being married (3 years) I’ve been concerned about my husband’s ability to be a good father, but more recently I have come to realize that not only would he not be a responsible father, but his lack of spirituality would be detrimental to our future childrens’ journey to Heaven.

With the world of internet, facebook, etc, I have come to learn a lot about many of my friends from my youth who grew up with me in the church - went on retreats, missions, church camps. Were in my confirmation class, etc. If I look at my confirmation group photo, there are only a handful of us who are still devout, practicing Catholics. The ones of us who are had parents who were both devout Catholics and were more strict in our upbringing. Those whose parents were more lenient or were in mixed religion marriages seem to be the ones who have fallen away.

When we dated, my husband seemed interested in the Catholic church. He attended RCIA, came with me to bible study, attended mass with me each weekend. When he joined the military and was away on his own he wrote me letters telling me about how he was going to Mass on his own. I was encouraged and thought that he was truly interested in raising children in a devoted Catholic family.

Well flash foward a few years and he has lost all interest in not only the Catholic faith, but any sort of faith. Getting him to go to mass with me is worse than trying to convince a 5 year old to go.

And while I am aware that pets are QUITE different than children, we recently got a dog, and he is totally irresponsible when it comes to her care. The dog has caused even more fights than usual…if that is even possible…because I can’t trust him to take care of her when I’m not there. And I’m supposed to trust him with a baby?

Anyhow, I feel very strongly that bringing a child into our marriage would not only cause us to self-destruct, but would also lead to the loss of the child’s soul to an increasingly secular, atheistic society.

I’ve always wanted a large family, but the thought of having children with my husband scares me to death.

Hi sydney–if you could stroll back to when things started changing…when he dropped his interest in mass and so on…what might that be? There has to be something that caused the shift of faith, for him. I think the foundation is there, there’s just a crack, and maybe if you both could figure out where the crack came from, or what started it…you could move forward a bit more. Just my two cents. Praying for you both. :console:

 

[jwashu]

I have posted here awhile back about my marriage issues, but a new and more serious one has arisen and I’m just looking for some insight.

Since being married (3 years) I’ve been concerned about my husband’s ability to be a good father, but more recently I have come to realize that not only would he not be a responsible father, but his lack of spirituality would be detrimental to our future childrens’ journey to Heaven.

With the world of internet, facebook, etc, I have come to learn a lot about many of my friends from my youth who grew up with me in the church - went on retreats, missions, church camps. Were in my confirmation class, etc. If I look at my confirmation group photo, there are only a handful of us who are still devout, practicing Catholics. The ones of us who are had parents who were both devout Catholics and were more strict in our upbringing. Those whose parents were more lenient or were in mixed religion marriages seem to be the ones who have fallen away.

When we dated, my husband seemed interested in the Catholic church. He attended RCIA, came with me to bible study, attended mass with me each weekend. When he joined the military and was away on his own he wrote me letters telling me about how he was going to Mass on his own. I was encouraged and thought that he was truly interested in raising children in a devoted Catholic family.

Well flash foward a few years and he has lost all interest in not only the Catholic faith, but any sort of faith. Getting him to go to mass with me is worse than trying to convince a 5 year old to go.

And while I am aware that pets are QUITE different than children, we recently got a dog, and he is totally irresponsible when it comes to her care. The dog has caused even more fights than usual…if that is even possible…because I can’t trust him to take care of her when I’m not there. And I’m supposed to trust him with a baby?

Anyhow, I feel very strongly that bringing a child into our marriage would not only cause us to self-destruct, but would also lead to the loss of the child’s soul to an increasingly secular, atheistic society.

I’ve always wanted a large family, but the thought of having children with my husband scares me to death.

You say he is in the military? Has he served in the war?

I’m asking because you guys are still young and a LOT of young people question their religion. Especially when they are presented with many different ideas and viewpoints…

No one is perfect and the grass is definitely not always greener on the other side.

Also a pet truly has nothing to do with children. I’m always in trouble for not changing the cat littler, even when it was just me and my cat but I’m pretty sure everyone who knows me would say I’m one of the best dads around.

I would say talk, talk about how much you guys being in sync on this matters to you. Talk about eventually having a family and how much you will need him to set the example of leading the household from a religious standpoint and make sure he knows that you will be right their beside him leading and helping.

As I said you are still young, you don’t have to have kids just yet. If he was gone for a while spend time just being together, spend time “dating” in a sense and your happiness together. If you guys can do that then having kids will work out just fine.

Joe

 

[sydney28]

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I appreciate the advice, insight and prayers.

To answer some questions…he started changing shortly after we got married. To me it almost seemed like he had put on an act while we were dating to make it appear that he cared about being spiritual.

Regarding his military career - he has not been to war, and we aren’t as young as you assume We are both nearly 30. Yes, I know that 30 isn’t OLD, but when you are wanting to have several children (and also have a strong desire to adopt), and you feel as though there are years of work ahead of you on your marriage before that is even an option, 30 doesn’t seem all that young.

His military career certainly doesn’t help the situation, though. He works 70-80 hours a week so the majority of his time is spent surrounded by young, single soldiers who have absolutely no concern for things of a spriritual nature. It has most definitely contributed to his spiritual decay. He didn’t have strong enough groundwork laid before enlisting, and therefore he isn’t the one encouraging his fellow soldiers - instead they are having a negative influence on him.

I just have a lot of regret in my decision to marry him. I did not realize how important my faith was to me at the time and how much I would yearn to have an equally yoked spouse down the road. I feel as though every day I’m married, I’m just wasting time and getting farther and farther from my dreams of being a mother and raising holy, Catholic children.

 

[gardenswithkids]

To answer some questions…he started changing shortly after we got married. To me it almost seemed like he had put on an act while we were dating to make it appear that he cared about being spiritual…I just have a lot of regret in my decision to marry him. I did not realize how important my faith was to me at the time and how much I would yearn to have an equally yoked spouse down the road. I feel as though every day I’m married, I’m just wasting time and getting farther and farther from my dreams of being a mother and raising holy, Catholic children.

(Disclaimer: I know neither you nor your husband, but I don’t see you writing anything that suggests you married a *bad *man. I write this based on my assumption that he’s not evil but simply flawed like the rest of us.)

Yes, you are getting farther from your dreams of being a mother and raising holy, Catholic children if you do not want to have children with the man you married. You didn’t know how much your faith meant to you when you married, but you do now. Marriage to a non-Catholic may have helped teach you how much your faith meant to you; now your faith may in turn help teach you what your marriage means to you. Your marriage requires some heroic virtue on your part–it is your path to holiness.

You might ask for the intercession of St. Monica. Her husband was pagan but her marriage still managed to produce a child who became a holy, Catholic Bishop and Doctor of the Church, Saint Augustine. It wasn’t easy for her, but it helped make her a great and famous saint.

 

[jwashu]

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I appreciate the advice, insight and prayers.

To answer some questions…he started changing shortly after we got married. To me it almost seemed like he had put on an act while we were dating to make it appear that he cared about being spiritual.

Regarding his military career - he has not been to war, and we aren’t as young as you assume We are both nearly 30. Yes, I know that 30 isn’t OLD, but when you are wanting to have several children (and also have a strong desire to adopt), and you feel as though there are years of work ahead of you on your marriage before that is even an option, 30 doesn’t seem all that young.

His military career certainly doesn’t help the situation, though. He works 70-80 hours a week so the majority of his time is spent surrounded by young, single soldiers who have absolutely no concern for things of a spriritual nature. It has most definitely contributed to his spiritual decay. He didn’t have strong enough groundwork laid before enlisting, and therefore he isn’t the one encouraging his fellow soldiers - instead they are having a negative influence on him.

I just have a lot of regret in my decision to marry him. I did not realize how important my faith was to me at the time and how much I would yearn to have an equally yoked spouse down the road. I feel as though every day I’m married, I’m just wasting time and getting farther and farther from my dreams of being a mother and raising holy, Catholic children.

My bad, I thought you said you were 23, heh As you said though 30 isn’t that old. To me it’s a really good time to start.

I will say this though. Back in the 90s when we were trying to have kids I was designing the Internet network for a large Cell phone company and trying to get the product and group off the ground. Not only did I usually work 70 hour weeks but even at home my time was distracted with calls and pages.

After years of that AND us being unable to get pregnant I barley knew the love of my life anymore (we had been married for about 7 years). There were numerous other issues, family problems, friends, finance etc… but never seeing each other to know what and how each of us were changing and being able to keep our direction together nearly cost us our marriage.

We worked out the issues though after a difficult discussion and a weekend apart. The focus on each other also greatly helped our spiritual life and interestingly enough we were pregnant 7 months later!

Things have not always been perfect but they have been wonderful if that makes any sense…

You guys spending time together IS what will make a difference in understanding that is driving each of you separate ways. Is there any way he can cut back on his hours?

Joe

 

[seekdatruth]

His military career certainly doesn’t help the situation, though. He works 70-80 hours a week so the majority of his time is spent surrounded by young, single soldiers who have absolutely no concern for things of a spriritual nature. It has most definitely contributed to his spiritual decay. He didn’t have strong enough groundwork laid before enlisting, and therefore he isn’t the one encouraging his fellow soldiers - instead they are having a negative influence on him.

.

Oh Girl, I have sooooo been there!!! When we were stationed in Germany, it was the same way for us. We almost divorced, and I was MISERABLE because he just wanted to party and hang out with single guys who told him I was a lame-o and he should just be out playing the field and “living life”.
I’m kind of on the opposite though, in that when we got married, neither one of us practiced any religion, and I was that party girl, etc., and now I feel like my faith is stronger than ever, and I want to be back in the Church in full, but he is avoiding the topic of having our marriage convalidated. I try to discuss it with him, but it always ends in a fight. He is very degrading of the CC because he was raised Mormon and is now anti-religion, so everything I do, from Confession to trying to get our children baptized is met with, “well whaddaya wanna do* that* for? Crazy Catholics.”
After we left Germany, it got better as far as the wanting to party and be an absentee husband all the time, but having children certainly did NOT make us stronger or improve my situation to develop my faith. It only makes it harder because now you gotta think of them too and their faith. I kind of understand this is not what he “signed up for” (a Catholic wife bringing up his kids in the Church.) but I’m faced with a similar decision: My faith or my husband? The father of my children and the man I’ve been with for 8 years and can’t imagine being without, or being able to be the perfect example for my children by going to Communion. I can understand why the Church does this for new couples, it is an act of love, because we need to be in a relationship that fosters our faith, but in a situation where we’re already a package deal with kids, then it’s quite a dilemma.
I truly hope you find the answers, and that your husband can GROW UP soon! Just be patient, he may come around still! The wonders of science now, we can have healthy babies in our 40’s.

 

[basilisk]

Just be patient, he may come around still! The wonders of science now, we can have healthy babies in our 40’s.

Be careful… some fertility treatments are OK within Church teaching, but many are not. I don’t think waiting around and counting on technology, that as a Catholic she may not be allowed to use, is a good strategy!

To sydney28… just a general thought to offer. A marriage into which one fears to bring children is no place for them, and it might not be the right place for you, either. You need to evaluate that for yourself. Are you willing to wait for him to grow up? What if, by the time he does that, your fertile years have passed you by? It would be wrong to have children when you KNOW their father cannot be a good father to them. So either you wait him out, or you give up that dream, or you consider whether this marriage should ever have happened at all. Then you have to consider whether there is anything that might make the marriage null… any condition that would have made it impossible for you two to enter into a valid marriage together. I am not advising you to divorce him and seek an annulment… but just to honestly evaluate your whole relationship up to this point and see where you end up when you do that. In the final reading, though, you have to decide on your own what you should do.

 

[seekdatruth]

No, I am against fertility treatments that create embryos that are destroyed or sold to be tinkered with! There’s always one in here that has to assume the worst! I was talking about the ability to have *healthy *children. That’s a whole different situation! Grrrrr

 

[seekdatruth]

Be careful… some fertility treatments are OK within Church teaching, but many are not. I don’t think waiting around and counting on technology, that as a Catholic she may not be allowed to use, is a good strategy!

Besides, who’s to say it isn’t God’s will she wait, or not have any at all? Sad, but we can’t go around marring and divorcing until we find a man that’s mature enough, they’re a rare breed anyway, Catholic or pagan. Sorry guys, but it’s true.

 

[basilisk]

Besides, who’s to say it isn’t God’s will she wait, or not have any at all? Sad, but we can’t go around marring and divorcing until we find a man that’s mature enough, they’re a rare breed anyway, Catholic or pagan. Sorry guys, but it’s true.

No we need to be discerning and patient enough to wait until we find one, THEN get married. Saves this kind of heartache…

BTW, seek, I wasn’t “assuming the worst.” Some people truly don’t know that many fertility treatments are not allowed under Catholic teaching. I posted with the thought that maybe you didn’t know that, or sydney might not know that, or that other readers might not know. So please stop growling at me.

 

[seekdatruth]

No we need to be discerning and patient enough to wait until we find one, THEN get married. Saves this kind of heartache…

Yeah, when someone’s successfully designed a time machine for reverts, let me know.
I’m having a tough day for my Catholic faith. I certainly believe in God, but this seems ridiculous to me.

 

[seekdatruth]

I suppose you can ignore me Basil, my feelings won’t be hurt.