Do People still Date?

[pianistclare]

Depends where you are. I’m in America and a “date” doesn’t mean some night out on the town, but when something sexual has happened.
**
Not around here. **

When I was in college asking a girl out on a “date” was considered the same thing as asking her for sex, if you happened to use the word “date”. Lots socially awkward guys got in trouble for not making the connection.

I find that hard to believe.

 

[pensmama87]

It might have that specific connotation at some colleges, but neither I nor my friends, Catholic, Christian, or secular, would instantly assume date=sex, and I’ve only been out of undergrad for four years.

Same here.

What some people are describing as a “date” was called a “hook up” when I was in college.

As to the “expectation” of sex, even the old “third date” thing you see on TV wasn’t accurate. Men who (at least made it obvious that they) expected sex were regarded pretty much universally as pigs. And I went to a secular school.

 

[pianistclare]

Same here.

What some people are describing as a “date” was called a “hook up” when I was in college.

As to the “expectation” of sex, even the old “third date” thing you see on TV wasn’t accurate. Men who (at least made it obvious that they) expected sex were regarded pretty much universally as pigs. And I went to a secular school.

I agree.

 

[Xantippe]

Depends where you are. I’m in America and a “date” doesn’t mean some night out on the town, but when something sexual has happened.

When I was in college asking a girl out on a “date” was considered the same thing as asking her for sex, if you happened to use the word “date”. Lots socially awkward guys got in trouble for not making the connection.

My suspicion is that the girls were quite happy to go out as friends but that they were not romantically interested in those particular guys and hence did not want to go out on an actual date-date.

 

[ProVobis]

There’s plenty of nice girls at Mass.

So you know any good pickup lines other than “Peace!”?

 

[UbiCaritas]

So you know any good pickup lines other than “Peace!”?

“Hi! I see you here every week, and I thought I’d introduce myself. I’m Fred.”

(I ended up going on several dates with a guy who used pretty much that exact line in that context.)

If the above is true (the every week thing), do it in small increments. Be at the door when she gets there, and open it for her with a smile and nod. Do that for a couple of weeks, tossing in a “have a good one!” here and there. Then you can build up to the above line, and follow up with a comment on the music/sermon/what-have-you. Chat after Mass for a few weeks before asking her to coffee, or on a walk at a (very public–safety!) nearby park, etc. You needn’t make a big deal out of it–think “Hey, it’s getting a bit cold, and there’s a Starbucks two blocks down; want to grab a coffee so we can keep talking?”

 

[ProVobis]

“Hi! I see you here every week, and I thought I’d introduce myself. I’m Fred.”

(I ended up going on several dates with a guy who used pretty much that exact line in that context.)

If the above is true (the every week thing), do it in small increments. Be at the door when she gets there, and open it for her with a smile and nod. Do that for a couple of weeks, tossing in a “have a good one!” here and there. Then you can build up to the above line, and follow up with a comment on the music/sermon/what-have-you. Chat after Mass for a few weeks before asking her to coffee, or on a walk at a (very public–safety!) nearby park, etc. You needn’t make a big deal out of it–think “Hey, it’s getting a bit cold, and there’s a Starbucks two blocks down; want to grab a coffee so we can keep talking?”

See, now someone could also see that as hitting on them. I don’t think Mass is the time to do that.

 

[EasterJoy]

“Hi! I see you here every week, and I thought I’d introduce myself. I’m Fred.”

(I ended up going on several dates with a guy who used pretty much that exact line in that context.)

If the above is true (the every week thing), do it in small increments. Be at the door when she gets there, and open it for her with a smile and nod. Do that for a couple of weeks, tossing in a “have a good one!” here and there. Then you can build up to the above line, and follow up with a comment on the music/sermon/what-have-you. Chat after Mass for a few weeks before asking her to coffee, or on a walk at a (very public–safety!) nearby park, etc. You needn’t make a big deal out of it–think “Hey, it’s getting a bit cold, and there’s a Starbucks two blocks down; want to grab a coffee so we can keep talking?”

Don’t forget that there is a reason that parishes so often have “coffee and doughnuts” after Mass. It helps parishioners to make social connections with each other.

If a woman at church seems warm to the idea of “let’s get to know each other,” great. If, however, she cool to the idea of a personal connection, let her know that you’re trying to “get to know people who know people who know people.” In other words, don’t make this about putting her on the spot as a prospective wife, but about making connections in the parish that could lead to each of you introducing each other to people and widening your circles.

The other thing we can do, by the way, is to ask people a lot older than we are who are active in the parish to introduce us around. They will be less leery of our attention than those who are more afraid of having to see that guy every week who won’t be getting a second date. Those older parishioners might know someone your age who is one parish over, someone who might be more open to someone looking for a spouse and less afraid of the repercussions if it doesn’t pan out. (Yes, I’m saying that some people would no more look for dates in the parish they love than they’d date someone at work, for essentially the same reasons.)

 

[pianistclare]

See, now someone could also see that as hitting on them. I don’t think Mass is the time to do that.

I’m quite sure she didn’t mean DURING Mass…sheesh.
There’s plenty of time in the Narthex or on the long walk to the parking lot, coffee and donuts, ministry fair. etc. Most parishes have a social hall where people gather for coffee and chit-chat.

 

[ProVobis]

I’m quite sure she didn’t mean DURING Mass.

I know, I was just toying with you and her.

 

[pianistclare]

I know, I was just toying with you and her.

shaw:

 

[Naskor]

My suspicion is that the girls were quite happy to go out as friends but that they were not romantically interested in those particular guys and hence did not want to go out on an actual date-date.

What I meant was they asked out girls they didn’t know as friends, used the word date, and got in trouble with the university.

 

[Xantippe]

What I meant was they asked out girls they didn’t know as friends, used the word date, and got in trouble with the university.

I feel like there’s got to be a little more to this story–inappropriate physical contact, a little light stalking, blowing up her phone, abuse of position of authority, etc.

 

[pianistclare]

I feel like there’s got to be a little more to this story–inappropriate physical contact, a little light stalking, blowing up her phone, abuse of position of authority, etc.

Right. It has to be pretty bad fro the institution to get involved.
We’re missing a BIG piece of the story.

 

[Naskor]

I feel like there’s got to be a little more to this story–inappropriate physical contact, a little light stalking, blowing up her phone, abuse of position of authority, etc.

They literally got in trouble for using the word “date” while asking them out because date implies something sexual.

 

[pianistclare]

They literally got in trouble for using the word “date” while asking them out because date implies something sexual.

What kind of college is this?
That’s really unreasonable.

 

[EasterJoy]

Depends where you are. I’m in America and a “date” doesn’t mean some night out on the town, but when something sexual has happened.

When I was in college asking a girl out on a “date” was considered the same thing as asking her for sex, if you happened to use the word “date”. Lots socially awkward guys got in trouble for not making the connection.

There is apparently something now known as “pre-dating,” which is the same thing that people used to call a first date. Having said that, I can find nothing in the official or “urban dictionary” definitions of a “date” that imply it is not a date when there is no sex. No one I know who is actually young thinks that asking someone on a “date” implies that there has to be sex. Maybe that one might fairly expect to be asked, but on the other hand they tell me one might expect to be asked at any time the opportunity seems to present itself. Total strangers in bars will make “social advances” that imply an immediate interest in sex, so no “date” is necessary for that! Letting someone “take you on a date” when you have zero interest in anything but a platonic friendship, however, is apparently rude. If you have no interest, you’re supposed to say “let’s just be friends” right up front.

If someone says they went on a date with a member of the opposite sex, it only implies that they had a social outing in which exploration of the possibility of a romance was on the table. Sex is not implied, but true openness to a romantic relationship is apparently implied. Dates never used to be so serious as that! In the old days, a first date is what some would now call a “pre-date.” (Life has gotten so complicated, oy vey.)

Even in secular circles, as it turns out, it has become very important for people to officially hold to the position that sex is never “implied” and that there is never a time in which anyone is entitled to a “yes” to sex.

Even the pagans and the atheists believe this now! Good grief, anyone these days who acts as if he or she is entitled to demand sex is practically branded as a sex offender. A belief to the contrary is very much out of vogue. Well, the world hasn’t gone entirely to h#$l in a handbasket, at least there is that.

 

[EasterJoy]

They literally got in trouble for using the word “date” while asking them out because date implies something sexual.

I’m with those who express skepticism…not that there isn’t an administrator that clueless, but that no one called them out as being ridiculous when they tried to imply there was something dirty, offensive, or sexually demanding in the word “date.”

 

[Xantippe]

I’m with those who express skepticism…not that there isn’t an administrator that clueless, but that no one called them out as being ridiculous when they tried to imply there was something dirty, offensive, or sexually demanding in the word “date.”

Right.

It was almost certainly that there was some other issue with the context that made asking for a date inappropriate.

For instance, let’s say a student worker at the student health center who is hitting on patients as they come in for appointments, or a Teaching Assistant that is asking out his students.

 

[Xantippe]

Having said that, I can find nothing in the official or “urban dictionary” definitions of a “date” that imply it is not a date when there is no sex. No one I know who is actually young thinks that asking someone on a “date” implies that there has to be sex. Maybe that one might fairly expect to be asked, but on the other hand they tell me one might expect to be asked at any time the opportunity seems to present itself. Total strangers in bars will make “social advances” that imply an immediate interest in sex, so no “date” is necessary for that! Letting someone “take you on a date” when you have zero interest in anything but a platonic friendship, however, is apparently rude. If you have no interest, you’re supposed to say “let’s just be friends” right up front.

If someone says they went on a date with a member of the opposite sex, it only implies that they had a social outing in which exploration of the possibility of a romance was on the table. Sex is not implied, but true openness to a romantic relationship is apparently implied. Dates never used to be so serious as that! In the old days, a first date is what some would now call a “pre-date.” (Life has gotten so complicated, oy vey.)

Even in secular circles, as it turns out, it has become very important for people to officially hold to the position that sex is never “implied” and that there is never a time in which anyone is entitled to a “yes” to sex.

Even the pagans and the atheists believe this now! Good grief, anyone these days who acts as if he or she is entitled to demand sex is practically branded as a sex offender. A belief to the contrary is very much out of vogue. Well, the world hasn’t gone entirely to h#$l in a handbasket, at least there is that.

Right.

There’s also something called “talking,” which I’m too old to understand, but I believe involves being in active electronic communication together.

It would seem to fit in the “pre-dating” rubric.