Do we really need to have a big expensive wedding?!

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Kate1501

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Good evening!

I wasn’t sure what to put as the title!

So, I was brought up in a catholic family but didn’t really understand what it meant to be a Catholic. Recently I have started doing a course at Church to learn more about the faith and it’s great!

I am engaged to a wonderful man, who is not a Catholic but is very supportive of my faith and understands the importance of getting married in a Church and raising our children as Catholics.

So everything is great! We have been thinking really hard about the wedding day and especially the amount of money that seems to be spent on one day. Of course getting married is a time to celebrate but I don’t feel comfortable spending so much money on one day. The more we think about it the more we feel it’s the commitment we are making together and the most important part of the day is actually getting married! We are starting to think whether we should have a low key wedding and keep it very simple…is this OK to be thinking??

I would appreciate any of your thoughts or comments and aalso your experiencs of your wedding days etc etc.

Thank you!
 
Yes, it is absolutely fine to have a small wedding.

It’s not wrong to have a large wedding either - in some families and cultures, the big celebration really is about family and love and bringing everybody together. My husband’s Italian grandmother had a wedding celebration that literally lasted days - and her family was very devout. That’s just how they celebrated weddings.

But if you and your intended prefer something smaller, that’s completely fine. If you have logical, rational family, though, I would encourage you to think a little bit about how things have traditionally been done and to consider some of that.

We had a pretty “standard” wedding, but much less expensively because we did much of the work ourselves and friends volunteered their services for us (DJ, music for the wedding, photography). It was important for us to have a fun reception and a good party for our friends - we were in our early 20s and about half the guests were friends from college. Our reception was held at a place that hadn’t ever done a wedding before, so they were very generous with their terms because we were willing to be their “guinea pigs.” (Still some of the best wedding food we’ve had.)

As far as the decor, I threw some things together from discount and thrift stores and sold or donated most of it afterward. I bought my dress from a bridal shop clearance rack. I ordered the flowers from Costco (and they were really, really nice, actually!) We gave a generous stipend to the priest who celebrated our wedding Mass.

So, if you want some of the traditional trappings, it doesn’t have to cost an arm and a leg. But what I would advise is keep in mind what you want, what your husband wants, and what will bring the most meaning to the day, and then emphasize that. If guests have to travel I think you should feed them something as a matter of hospitality. I think it’s worth it to have nice pictures. But what you wear and how many guests you have and the rest? Lots of options to make it fit you, and that’s OK!

God bless you. 🙂
 
Kate1501 said:
Good evening!

I wasn’t sure what to put as the title!

So, I was brought up in a catholic family but didn’t really understand what it meant to be a Catholic. Recently I have started doing a course at Church to learn more about the faith and it’s great!

I am engaged to a wonderful man, who is not a Catholic but is very supportive of my faith and understands the importance of getting married in a Church and raising our children as Catholics.

So everything is great! We have been thinking really hard about the wedding day and especially the amount of money that seems to be spent on one day. Of course getting married is a time to celebrate but I don’t feel comfortable spending so much money on one day. The more we think about it the more we feel it’s the commitment we are making together and the most important part of the day is actually getting married! We are starting to think whether we should have a low key wedding and keep it very simple…is this OK to be thinking??

I would appreciate any of your thoughts or comments and aalso your experiencs of your wedding days etc etc.

Thank you!
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Not only is it OK to think that way; it’s arguably the most sensible way. The money spent on weddings these days is wasteful and completely unnecessary.

Have the wedding you and your spouse want; nobody else’s opinion matters in the slightest.
 
the wedding is not a sacrament

the marriage is

the reception is what you are talking about; i know i have been there

purchase the best “package” you can afford and your guests will have a nice time i am quite sure

the reception is a six hour expensive party

the marriage is for life
 
Kate1501 said:
Good evening!

I wasn’t sure what to put as the title!

So, I was brought up in a catholic family but didn’t really understand what it meant to be a Catholic. Recently I have started doing a course at Church to learn more about the faith and it’s great!

I am engaged to a wonderful man, who is not a Catholic but is very supportive of my faith and understands the importance of getting married in a Church and raising our children as Catholics.

So everything is great! We have been thinking really hard about the wedding day and especially the amount of money that seems to be spent on one day. Of course getting married is a time to celebrate but I don’t feel comfortable spending so much money on one day. The more we think about it the more we feel it’s the commitment we are making together and the most important part of the day is actually getting married! We are starting to think whether we should have a low key wedding and keep it very simple…is this OK to be thinking??

I would appreciate any of your thoughts or comments and aalso your experiencs of your wedding days etc etc.

Thank you!
Click to expand...
You may have any size wedding you wish. All you need to have is the priest and 2 witnesses.
 
OP; when I was very new in Ireland I met a young woman who had a delightful toddler.

She was living with the man, but knew it was wrong and it grieved her mighitly

The couple had had to make a choice,Between an Irish wedding and somewhere to live.

Both had large families and Irish weddings are huge events and costly.

I spoke to a dear friend, a Franciscan Friar, about maybe blessing them and he declared. " we will marry them!"

So between us we organised a small,deeply meaninglful, secret wedding, It was delightful. I made the cake and did the wild flowers she wanted,

Yes it is YOUR choice. And a grand idea… Wishing more here would do this rather than living together as so many do.
 
Most of the current American wedding traditions come from the 1840 wedding of British Queen Victoria to Prince Albert. It isn’t the church wedding that is expensive, it is the partying before and after. If you have thousands to spend on an expensive reception, go ahead. If you want a more modest celebration, enlist your friends and family to help. I have participated in wedding celebrations that only cost a few hundreds, or less.
 
You need a priest and a church.

You do not need a fairytale wedding, per se.

Better TMM to spend the money building up the marriage and family, if blessed with one.

As was said by an online priest, “Do not spend more time and money preparing for the wedding than preparing for the marriage… some people…are paying off…the wedding, years after the marriage is over.”

ICXC NIKA
 
When I was growing up, a couple with a low budget and a large extended family–that is, a couple in a situation where they had to choose either a micro-small wedding or a pretty large one–simply scheduled their wedding and reception at such a time and let it be known that the reception would only be offering cake and coffee. Then the immediate family only and the wedding party would go to the home of the parents of the bride or groom for a small gathering after that.

Other strategies to save money included using the weekend flowers the parish had there, anyway or supplementing them slightly, having only the maid of honor and best man as attendants, borrowing clothes or using clothes already owned, and having simple music such as a soloist and one accompanist. As for pictures, I know a couple who had friends take their pictures, rather than engaging a professional photographer. (In that case, find a friend with a high-quality camera, rather than settling for the pictures that can be obtained with cell phones.)

These are all the common strategies for saving money when the couple doesn’t see an easy way to trim the guest list.

As stated by other posters, special clothing, a reception, flowers and all of the rest is optional, and not required for a valid Catholic wedding. When you are not marrying a Catholic, the wedding is often celebrated outside of Mass. Ask your pastor; he can easily explain all of this.

The Archdiocese of Portland has a web site that provides Marriage and Family life information; your diocese may also have something like this:
famlife.archdpdx.org/

They offer this quote from Pope Francis:
*Here let me say a word to [engaged couples]. Have the courage to be different. Don’t let yourselves get swallowed up by a society of consumption and empty appearances. What is important is the love you share, strengthened and sanctified by grace. You are capable of opting for a more modest and simple celebration in which love takes precedence over everything else.
*
 
You don’t have to spend more money than you feel comfortable with. Work out a budget that you are both ok with and then work out how many people you can reasonably host, whether it’s an elopement with witnesses, a small family only ceremony or a big get together with 200 guests. As long as you don’t spend money you don’t have or try to invite more people than you can host you should be fine.

Remember your church wedding is open to the public so if there are people you cant afford to invite they may still choose to come to your ceremony if they live nearby.
 
Kate1501 said:
Good evening!

I wasn’t sure what to put as the title!

So, I was brought up in a catholic family but didn’t really understand what it meant to be a Catholic. Recently I have started doing a course at Church to learn more about the faith and it’s great!

I am engaged to a wonderful man, who is not a Catholic but is very supportive of my faith and understands the importance of getting married in a Church and raising our children as Catholics.

So everything is great! We have been thinking really hard about the wedding day and especially the amount of money that seems to be spent on one day. Of course getting married is a time to celebrate but I don’t feel comfortable spending so much money on one day. The more we think about it the more we feel it’s the commitment we are making together and the most important part of the day is actually getting married! We are starting to think whether we should have a low key wedding and keep it very simple…is this OK to be thinking??

I would appreciate any of your thoughts or comments and aalso your experiencs of your wedding days etc etc.

Thank you!
Click to expand...
Of Course there’s nothing wrong with having a small, low-key wedding. In fairness, my wife and I thought about doing a wedding like this when we were planning our wedding.

However, we ended up having a much larger wedding with all the trimmings!

In total, I’d say we spent about €5000 on the wedding and the honeymoon. Not a lot as Irish weddings go, but a lot for us.

I would say this:
I don’t regret spending that money at all. In fact, I would say that it was well worth it. Yes, it’s only one day, but it’s a very important day. You will remember it for the rest of your life and it’s worth splashing out a little IMO.

You get most of the money back in gifts.
Most wedding guests, especially the older ones, will pay for themselves and then some with gifts. You’ll probably get enough to buy some nice things for your new home and also pay any service providers you have hired on the day.

The more the merrier.
A Catholic wedding is mainly about the sacrament, but it is also supposed to be a community celebration. You are getting married, but the community is celebrating the wedding and the Church is celebrating this wonderful sacrament that you have entered into.

I would say not to worry too and try to strike a balance between low-key and massive. Families often pitch in to help with wedding costs as well.
 
Oh…I’ll also add that we managed to enlist a few crafty friends and family to avoid paying for church music and flowers. We basically did flowers and decorated the church ourselves. My dad made the bridal bouquet. I made the buttonholes for myself and the groomsmen. My best mate (also a music teacher) sang the songs and obtained the services of an organist.

I also used the printers at my university to print mass booklets.

Actually, if you are looking for any ideas on DIY wedding stuff feel free to PM me.
 
Your wedding is your own special day! Congratulations!

You should make it just how you want it and if that means small and simple, that’s perfect. Don’t let anyone push you (and they will try) into anything you don’t want to do.

I love smaller weddings because they seem so much more meaningful to me.
 
Your life, your day. Yeah, going broke doesn’t make sense, having a good time and celebrating does. Do what you are comfortable with and can afford.

My daughter is engaged and getting married next summer. I told her the amount I’ll pay towards the wedding/gift. What she doesn’t spend, they keep. It is what I can comfortably afford-- not what I think is ‘required’ to meet some social standard/convention/expectation. Hope that makes sense to you.
 
Kate1501 said:
Good evening!

I wasn’t sure what to put as the title!

So, I was brought up in a catholic family but didn’t really understand what it meant to be a Catholic. Recently I have started doing a course at Church to learn more about the faith and it’s great!

I am engaged to a wonderful man, who is not a Catholic but is very supportive of my faith and understands the importance of getting married in a Church and raising our children as Catholics.

So everything is great! We have been thinking really hard about the wedding day and especially the amount of money that seems to be spent on one day. Of course getting married is a time to celebrate but I don’t feel comfortable spending so much money on one day. The more we think about it the more we feel it’s the commitment we are making together and the most important part of the day is actually getting married! We are starting to think whether we should have a low key wedding and keep it very simple…is this OK to be thinking??

I would appreciate any of your thoughts or comments and aalso your experiencs of your wedding days etc etc.

Thank you!
Click to expand...
The best weddings I’ve been cost very little in the way of money. Live within you budget why pay years for one day. It can be nice on a lower budget as well you just have to get creative and forgo a few nonessentials.
 
Kate1501 said:
Good evening!

I wasn’t sure what to put as the title!

So, I was brought up in a catholic family but didn’t really understand what it meant to be a Catholic. Recently I have started doing a course at Church to learn more about the faith and it’s great!

I am engaged to a wonderful man, who is not a Catholic but is very supportive of my faith and understands the importance of getting married in a Church and raising our children as Catholics.

So everything is great! We have been thinking really hard about the wedding day and especially the amount of money that seems to be spent on one day. Of course getting married is a time to celebrate but I don’t feel comfortable spending so much money on one day. The more we think about it the more we feel it’s the commitment we are making together and the most important part of the day is actually getting married! We are starting to think whether we should have a low key wedding and keep it very simple…is this OK to be thinking??

I would appreciate any of your thoughts or comments and aalso your experiencs of your wedding days etc etc.

Thank you!
Click to expand...
As the father of a recently engaged daughter–this would be music to my ears. I think the most important thing is those who come to the wedding and share the day with you. That’s what I remember most about my wedding–friends and family. To be quite truthful I just don’t even think about the actual day that much–so much has happened in the past 27 years, and the things I do think about have nothing to do with the venue at which we held our reception, or the band, or the church we were married in, or the food, but with the people who were there–the other things are just a vague background to the people–in my mind.

I think it’s more than ok–I think it shows a wisdom must of us don’t have when we are young and getting married.

The peace of Christ,
Mark
 
When my wife and I got married, … I remember how we drove from one “armory” to another … bigger and better and huge(r).

At the end of the day, we just pulled off into a family restaurant to get something to eat and we looked around at all the people enjoying the food … and we asked to see the manager … he came over … sort of curious … anxious … and we asked him if he had a private party room. Umm … yes … How many people will it hold … and he told us … and we asked if we could talk to him about having our wedding reception there.

He was thrilled.

It worked out extremely well. They also took care of the cake and the music.

Done deal.

Twenty five years later, we received a package in the mail. Two of the guests had lingered afterwards for coffee on the front porch. By the time our friends left, the staff had gone home, so our friends took the coffee cups home with them and 25 years later, we received the cups in the mail. The restaurant went away many many years ago.

But 47 years later, my wife and I are still here.
 
We had a pretty small wedding (45 guests showed up) and I loved it. I was able to spend time with every guest and it was cozy and intimate. Our one regret is listening to FIL when he pitched a fit and demanded we waste invite spots on extended family my husband hadn’t seen in over a decade and who didn’t show up. My husband wasn’t able to invite a few actual friends he wanted to as a result and still gets angry when he’s reminded of it.
 
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