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Trident_H
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Yeah. That’s a true thought. Sad, but true.
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Millie123
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Yes this is a very good point that I did not think about. I have an older brother who has been in and out of many affairs. I just don’t think that he has the ability to be monogamous to any woman. I think he enjoys the rush of falling in love with different women.
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LongingSoul
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I suppose in a way it is relative, but your story sounds like my dream. My husband I suspect is Aspergers or something but he’s never called me honey or said I love you. He’s never held my hand or put his arms around me in comfort or affection. He doesn’t remember my birthday or bring me any sort of token presents. He works hard at his job as an IT professional and has kept us financially secure and afforded the kids school trips overseas and things. I accept all that and work on appreciating the good.
The thing is… it must be lovely to hear yourself called ‘honey’ or ‘love’ or something and feel a mans arms around you. I’ve never known that and when I appreciate the Emily Bronte’s and the other iconic love stories… it’s not as an escape from my life but more as an appreciation of the fullness of Gods gift to humans of the love between a man and a woman.
I’ve been married 27 years and accept that this is my life but it’s a shame to be indicted as a selfish person ‘chasing highs’ because I find beauty in the classic romantics. There are many stories in the big city.
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Millie123
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Longingsoul I am sorry if my post offended you. I just want to be clear that I was not singling you out or your marriage at all. I did not think of you as a selfish person in any way…nor do I think of you as chasing a high. You sound like a wonderful wife and mother. I also was not complaining of my own spouse. Yes I know that everyone’s opinion of their marriage is relative.
My post is about society as a whole and women in society as a whole. I think that it’s very significant that nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women. As Hoosierdaddy rightly pointed out perhaps these women are victims of adultery , or another facet could be perhaps a majority of these women are victims of abuse. But I also think that with he advent of no fault divorce it’s just easier for people to seek divorce who were not prepared for the lulls and valleys that come with every lifelong marriage. A poster I was responding to was asking if it’s necessary for people to be satisfied with a boring marriage. My answer is yes…there will come times in marriage where it will feel boring AND mediocre. Marriage has high peaks and lulls and valleys. The high peaks feel great when you reach them…but you also need to be prepared for the boring lows, that aren’t romantic at all. It is just an unreasonable expectation for marriage to feel like one great big love story for 50 plus years. There is nothing wrong in he least about fantasizing about adding more romance in a marrige…but putting that feeling as the end all and be all in marriageis is not healthy at all either
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Hoosier_Daddy
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Well I would be careful about saying he doesn’t have the ability. Perhaps he has the ability but not the character…
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fisherman_carl
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If there are soul mates then why do some never find one? What about those who never find a mate? Doesn’t that disprove the idea that everyone has a soul mate? I think that when choosing a mate you should find one that you are ‘compatible’ with (as my last girlfriend said right before she dumped me 
ba da ping). And learn to love that person as they are rather than trying to fix them. Pray for them and allow God to do the changing.
ba da ping). And learn to love that person as they are rather than trying to fix them. Pray for them and allow God to do the changing.
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fisherman_carl
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Perhaps the soul mate is really that intense longing within us for intimacy and belonging. And I am not just talking about sex. But about really getting to know another person. We desire to belong to another or to a group. I remember reading about a young man who was going to college and he had trouble with lusting after images of scantily clothed women. However, when he ended up joining a fairly close knit spirited prayer group who prayed over each other and shared with one another, he stopped looking at the pictures. Looking back on it he realized that behind his desire to see naked women was really a desire to really get to know someone as they really are. And he was part of this prayer group he was getting to know people on a deep level.
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Della
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Merely because two people enter into a marriage without harps and flowers, bells and shivers doesn’t mean they can’t and don’t become firmly attached in love. I’m a very practical person. I don’t feel gooey about my husband. I see him quite realistically, and he me, btw, still we love each other dearly and when one of us dies the other is going to grieve as deeply as any two people can. But we weren’t “soulmates” when we married–like all others who, if they were honest, would say, we took a chance on each other, believing that we were marrying the person suited to us, but certainly not the only person on the planet who could possibly be so.
If my dh dies before me I have no intentions of remarrying. I don’t want to marry someone who had years with another person, set in his ways–that I’d have to adjust to all over again. I wasn’t miserable single and I won’t be again. God isn’t first in our marriage he is our marriage–the reason we got married. When it is over it will be time for another phase in his or my life. As for me, I plan on being, God willing, a consecrated widow. I’d pray daily for the repose of my dh’s soul, but I can’t see me dying for love of him when he and I won’t be married in heaven. Call me cold, if you like, but I haven’t buried myself in my dh or children or anything else. I’ve only buried myself in Christ–he’s the only one who has ever demanded it.
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AnneElizabeth
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I’m not sure if that statement was meant to say that you think I believe two people entering marriage should have harps and flowers, bells and shivers? If so, I just wanted to make that clear that I never said that. If by me saying “ideal”, you heard me say “bells and shivers” or even “gooey” then I just wanted to point out that is not what I meant by it. Ideal is ideal, and it sounds like your situation is very ideal.
I don’t know how you interpreted that in my post. I do think love is practical. The manic type stuff is usually never love, and that’s what it sounds like you describe with “bells and shivers” and “gooey”. - At least to me.
Sometimes I am amazed at how poorly communication can be even when you try really hard to communicate and convey. Nothing against you Della, just in general, when I haven’t successfully communicated efficiently to another it really makes me concerned.
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LongingSoul
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AnneElizabeth, I don’t think it was failure of communication on your part or even Dellas part. I think its as you say a mystery ridden part of life. I found myself nodding my head in virgourous agreement at your posts.
I do think that sometimes there is traces of the Jansenism of the Puritans seeping into some Catholic attitudes towards the relationship of a man to a woman, that could be an over reaching reaction to the very promiscuous society we live in.
Both Mark and John report Jesus referencing Himself as the ‘bridegroom’ and we ‘the bride’, and while that might mean somewhat that He promises to faithfully take the bins (or sins) out to the kerb each week and we should take care of the practical ‘household’ business for Him… we have to believe in the experience of the mystics like Teresa Avila and John of the Cross, whose passion for Him was like the adoringly, besotted bride as well. Those two saints were themselves ‘soulmates’ in their shared passion for Christ in a sombre and austere Spanish world.
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1990Domer
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Nope…I think it is a catch all term for those not committed fully to Holy Matrimony.
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AnneElizabeth
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I am in agreement with you. (Sorry I had to shorten your quote because of character text limits for my post to show.)
Just to be clear… when I wrote “Does any young girl long for a mediocre love story?” “Does any man long for a gal who is just is average in her devotion to him? Does anyone want to be in a marriage that is boring or so/so?” I wasn’t speaking about the toe curling, dopamine high rush here as being ‘the ideal’. I actually associate those things you speak of as lust, not love. At best, they are just the carrots at the end of the stick to get love going, but I don’t consider that to be ‘the ideal’.
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I do believe that God has the power to re-ignite marriages, and if and when things get too dull for the both of them they should call upon God to help... Who knows, maybe God will give them something better, and not exactly what they were seeking but something they did not expect . I do believe we humans are very ignorant to what is truly good for us and that we do not know what it is that God wants for us. If we don't know God, we don't know what is truly good. We have to actively seek God to find it.Also about the divorce statistic you quoted… I don’t really see that as the female problem though or that females are looking for some sort of romantic high… If anything I typically hear its that he’s been unfaithful in some way. In these cases, I see females toughing things out longer than males, and that males usually bungle things up because they start to lust after something different than their wife. When she finds out about his infidelities, she realizes that its only her pulling the work load of the relationship at her expense and so she leaves. That to me is probably the number one reason why woman initiate the divorce. Because if only one person in the relationship has all the work load striving to make it work, there is no real romantic relationship there. When someone decides to be unfaithful, its a clear statement of a heart that there is no real bond there (not that it couldn’t be in the future with God’s help).
Then again, its says in Genesis that the woman would pine after the husband… “and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee”… Perhaps many women are dissatisfied with being ruled over and want to ‘share’ the leader position. Christ did command men to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, so that could be part of the problem as well. When neither spouse knows their role, there can be a lot of stepping on toes, pulling the yoke out of synch… a very uncomfortable position to be in day in and day out.
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808Catholic
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Not to be too nosey but does your older brother also have the tendency to jump from church to church or have changing views on the nature of the relationship between man and God?
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Millie123
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I see and understand what you are saying
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Millie123
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He was raised Catholic. At the time of his first marriage he converted to Baptist, that was the religion of his first wife. Now he’s atheist. It’s impossible to discuss anything religious or spiritual with him…he has a very adversarial attitude towards religionNot to be too nosey but does your older brother also have the tendency to jump from church to church or have changing views on the nature of the relationship between man and God?
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808Catholic
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Thank you for your frank response, @Millie. My question is based on my theory that to love someone else, you must love God and you must love yourself. Jesus pointed this out with His simplification of all the Mosaic laws with “love God with all your heart, mind and body and love others as yourself.”
If we do not love God, how can we expect to love ourselves or others, mere creations of the Creator?
If we cannot love ourselves, we certainly cannot love others.
It’s my observation, those who search for the “perfect” church and end up jumping from church to church do not love God. They love what God does FOR them. “If church A doesn’t satisfy my spiritual needs better than church B, I’m going to church B!” Unfortunately, atheists are the ultimate in self-centered love because they cannot fathom any being greater than themselves. (At least agnostics believe there IS a greater being; they’re just not sure which one is the true God and which are just “gods”.)
Proud atheists are the peak of hubris; they tell the entire world to stop believing the “magical sky person” because they don’t believe in God. Their’s is a woeful path if they don’t repent and stop luring people away from God especially teaching their children “there is no God.”
May God protect you as you attempt to reach your brother and may He grant your brother the peace and security of knowing God loves all but especially the “prodigal son.”
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Della
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Not all of my comments were directly in response to your post. I didn’t make that clear, my bad.
Rather, I responded, in those words, to a general idea I’ve seen in some posts that indicate that such feelings do consitute the definition of “soulmates”–a concept I have been trying to refute without denying that feelings have their place. A seeming impossibility with some people. 
I run into this problem all the time on CAF–it’s hard to convey in a few words a world view, especially to make it clear to others who do not share that view (not describing you). Sometimes the distance between world views is so great that it can be impossible to get any ideas across without major misunderstandings. In short, I feel your pain.
And apologize for your concerns–all my fault not yours.
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Exiled_Child
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It may or may not happen very often, but I’ve always believed in the concept.
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AnneElizabeth
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Thank you Della. I see now. I appreciate that you took the time to explain to clear that up for me. Its not so much ‘your fault’ but just a misunderstanding. It is difficult to convey things here, in writing. Easier to discern what someone is saying in person. … at least for me.Not all of my comments were directly in response to your post. I didn’t make that clear, my bad.
I run into this problem all the time on CAF–it’s hard to convey in a few words a world view, especially to make it clear to others who do not share that view (not describing you). Sometimes the distance between world views is so great that it can be impossible to get any ideas across without major misunderstandings. In short, I feel your pain.
I like how you put it here… “Rather, I responded, in those words, to a general idea I’ve seen in some posts that indicate that such feelings do consitute the definition of “soulmates”–a concept I have been trying to refute without denying that feelings have their place…”
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Della
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Yes, just when I think I’ve gotten a handle on responding to posts, I muff it.
Reminds me to keep on my toes. Again yes, some people have the mistaken idea that there ought to be fireworks the minute you lay eyes on a potential spouse, which simply isn’t true. Sure some people seem to know right away that a certain person is right for them, and that does happen, but to think that gaining a “soulmate” is based primarily on feelings is dangerous and the reason so many marriages fail due to unfulfilled and unreasonable expectations.
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