Do you have a community?

[misspriss]

1. Lousy zoos can be pretty lousy.
2. Sometime very soon, your older child should develop a sense of self-preservation on playground equipment, although he’ll still probably need a lot supervision around swings.
3. I would definitely try the new priest again.

Yeah it’s funny as his biggest fear is FALLING (“Sean Fall!” is is most often repeated phrase in a voice of panic).

I had to look this video up again, it kind of explains what goes through my head when someone wants to hang out with me. Granted my biggest experience is with my sisters, whom I used to be close with, who are both childless. One is kind of bigger from long term infertility and one is frustrated as she has been on very few dates and is halfway through college already, she does not see any prospects of a family anytime soon. I really probably should meet some new friends, but I have hard enough time keeping up with the sisters I have.

Oh yes, the video: youtube.com/watch?v=36OKi1DRgoA

My problem when I’m with people without kids is I feel like I can’t give them my full attention, I miss things they say, I will be halfway through a story and realize I missed half of it, or I’m not getting how serious they really are, or I have to stop halfway and go get my toddler out of the freezer, etc. My brain can’t commit what I want to commit to my adult relationships because they are 15 difference places worrying about my kids. I can listen, but I can’t commit, and it is frustrating. Partly it’s just a skill I haven’t honed as a mother, and part of it is just getting used to it I guess.

Anyway, to answer the OP, no community, but working on it. Like I said, new priest. Haven’t gotten a chance to have a good long talk with him, but he knows me already and I’ve spoken with him (more than just a “hi” every time I’ve seen him) every time I’ve seen him, he knows my family and what not. It helps my social anxiety because he knows me as someone who was already there, not a shy convert as our former priest knew me as, he was great but I found it harder to talk to him for some reason.

 

[Xantippe]

I had to look this video up again, it kind of explains what goes through my head when someone wants to hang out with me. Granted my biggest experience is with my sisters, whom I used to be close with, who are both childless. One is kind of bigger from long term infertility and one is frustrated as she has been on very few dates and is halfway through college already, she does not see any prospects of a family anytime soon. I really probably should meet some new friends, but I have hard enough time keeping up with the sisters I have.

Oh yes, the video: youtube.com/watch?v=36OKi1DRgoA

Anyway, to answer the OP, no community, but working on it. Like I said, new priest. Haven’t gotten a chance to have a good long talk with him, but he knows me already and I’ve spoken with him (more than just a “hi” every time I’ve seen him) every time I’ve seen him, he knows my family and what not. It helps my social anxiety because he knows me as someone who was already there, not a shy convert as our former priest knew me as, he was great but I found it harder to talk to him for some reason.

1. Loved the video. But–her floor totally looked clean enough to eat the cheese off of. (Or is it just me?)
2. Your sisters probably really don’t want to hear you complaining about your kids, given that they would probably both kill to be in your shoes. So–definitely a problem.
3. I’m a big believer in take-the-priest-to-lunch-or-brunch. We try to do it at least once a year but don’t quite manage. (I’m currently plotting to take the college chaplain out for brunch at the cafeteria with my husband and probably 2-year-old and either talk to him about a personal finance course or introduce him to a Catholic couple that’s new in town.)

 

[EasterJoy]

If I stop to think about it, it is totally bizarre to me that my wife and I have a social life that pretty much revolves around our church community. But it does.

Our kids are in the parish school and I think that is what kind of sucked us in but it is nice. My wife often remarks that is pretty cool to go to church on Sunday and to feel like we belong. Like we are really part of the parish…rather than just attendees filling up a pew every sunday.

The only thing distressing is the number of people who rush in and rush out, and you never see them. They’re missing a lot.

 

[misspriss]

1. Loved the video. But–her floor totally looked clean enough to eat the cheese off of. (Or is it just me?)
2. Your sisters probably really don’t want to hear you complaining about your kids, given that they would probably both kill to be in your shoes. So–definitely a problem.
3. I’m a big believer in take-the-priest-to-lunch-or-brunch. We try to do it at least once a year but don’t quite manage. (I’m currently plotting to take the college chaplain out for brunch at the cafeteria with my husband and probably 2-year-old and either talk to him about a personal finance course or introduce him to a Catholic couple that’s new in town.)

1. Well she was making a video…
2. I don’t complain about my kids, I promise. I just spend time on them. And I meant “bitter” above as opposed to “bigger”.
3. Maybe when the little one is big enough to sit in a high chair and we don’t have to play 'pass the baby so someone else can eat", that and I’m pretty sure it’s the last thing my non catholic husband would want to do for now.
4. Maybe when the little

 

[spunjalebi]

1. Your sisters probably really don’t want to hear you complaining about your kids, given that they would probably both kill to be in your shoes. So–definitely a problem.

The grass is always greener on the other side. I read on blogs about how a mother has pretty teenage daughter or daughters aged 21 who wished they had gotten married, had a baby, and homesteaded a farm yesterday.

 

[spunjalebi]

The only thing distressing is the number of people who rush in and rush out, and you never see them. They’re missing a lot.

Yes, but they are sometimes the people who just want to go to Mass and “get it over with.”

What I’ve noticed after reading various blogs, CAF, etc. is how my ethnic background has really colored my views on this. Community was always a family thing, and even non-blood related people were considered family (I have soooo many “aunties” and “uncles”). People expected children to be a natural part of the family structure and mishaps were no big deal. I saw this all as normal, and then I grow up to find out what the typical “traditional/trad” Christian believes is normal family life is incredibly different…and isolating.

I’ve probably been reading too many blogs, but there are some strange expectations on norms. On one hand, as much as I’d like to find a traditional, devout Catholic community, the other hand points out my husband and I won’t like the norms. My husband is not overly concerned with my hobbies, the way I wear my hair, makeup, clothes, opinions, etc. I’m not overly concerned with his, but from what I’ve gathered neither one of us would be “acceptable.” My husband is not a traditional or traditionalist (what term? IDK), and he doesn’t believe in the level of protection required over me I see touted by many trad Catholic blogs. Another big one-- I am childless and work outside of the home. How would that be taken by a traditional devout Catholic community?

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, but they are sometimes the people who just want to go to Mass and “get it over with.”

What I’ve noticed after reading various blogs, CAF, etc. is how my ethnic background has really colored my views on this. Community was always a family thing, and even non-blood related people were considered family (I have soooo many “aunties” and “uncles”). People expected children to be a natural part of the family structure and mishaps were no big deal. I saw this all as normal, and then I grow up to find out what the typical “traditional/trad” Christian believes is normal family life is incredibly different…and isolating.

I’ve probably been reading too many blogs, but there are some strange expectations on norms. On one hand, as much as I’d like to find a traditional, devout Catholic community, the other hand points out my husband and I won’t like the norms. My husband is not overly concerned with my hobbies, the way I wear my hair, makeup, clothes, opinions, etc. I’m not overly concerned with his, but from what I’ve gathered neither one of us would be “acceptable.” My husband is not a traditional or traditionalist (what term? IDK), and he doesn’t believe in the level of protection required over me I see touted by many trad Catholic blogs. Another big one-- I am childless and work outside of the home. How would that be taken by a traditional devout Catholic community?

Speaking as a blogger myself, there tends to be a certain amount of air space between what goes into the blog and what my normal life looks like, primarily as my primary readership is my in-laws. The stuff on my blog is all true, but it isn’t everything that goes on in our household. (Does MIL need to know I eat a frozen prepared meal almost every day for lunch? Nope.)

Also, bear in mind that a blog may arise out of a desire to create an electronic version of a community that one doesn’t actually have in real life…

With regard to “protection”–I think most husbands would find it impractical to offer much in the way of “protection” during normal business hours. Between 9 to 5, mama’s got to either manage things herself or get 911 to manage it.

 

[spunjalebi]

It’s why I think having a community in the flesh is so important, even if it’s small. I don’t think it’s satisfying to have an “online community,” as email and online communication can easily be misinterpreted.

 

[Rosebud77]

My husband and I were talking about this today. We feel quite isolated here. The country we live in has no Catholic tradition, and is generally very secular. We would love to live in the middle of a vigorous, lively Catholic community with beautiful liturgy, lots of social and intellectual as well as charitable life, you name it. Here the only really vibrant and devout community is the Polish one (unfortunately we don’t speak Polish). Not helped by the fact that I don’t speak the local language either, so even the monthly lecture is closed to me - but the language isn’t the main issue.

with very great sympathy and respect, I think you are wearing rose coloured glasses here. Church here in Ireland is a lonely place for many. Matters not for me but when I am at mass, rare these days, I find myself wondering who all these people are and why they don’t speak to each other afterwards. I tried to often but everyone had better things to do after mass…

 

[Rosebud77]

This topic is so very close to my own heart…I’m glad you brought it up, OP.

I am also a convert and have become more and more isolated since I converted. Sometimes I feel as though I’ve lost the ability to connect with people…I used to travel and meet so many different kinds of people from different backgrounds and have friends…go out (nothing wild, but you know-- dinner, dancing, clubs, drinks, etc.), join social activities, and enjoy life…then I converted. And I’ve found myself in an awkward place where I can’t run with the more liberal crowd that I’d been around for much of my life (being more arts/humanities inclined) but don’t quite fit in with the Catholics who grew up in the Church, went to all Catholic schools, come from all-Catholic families, spent most of their lives in all-Catholic social circles, etc. either.

Since I’m single, I once assumed that singlehood is a large part of why I struggle to find a place in the Church…but…then I read your post and a few others on here from married folks and you all say you are isolated too. And, OP, it sounds like both you and your husband are the types of people who need time to recharge on the weekend, away from the scrutiny and stress that often comes with being “out there”…I hear that…

Perhaps…and bear with me here…isolation and loneliness are invitations from God…not necessarily to be more social, because you can be surrounded by people and still feel isolated…but invitations to acknowledge that the only true communion is in Him. Let’s face it: for many of us, friendships come and go…sometimes we’re more connected with others, other times (especially after major life transitions such as a death in the family, job loss, move, etc.) we’re quite isolated. And relying on anyone other than God for welcoming and acceptance may divert us from opportunities to encounter Him. I’m praying on/working through this a lot myself…but I honestly believe that if you’re meant to have more people in your life, it wouldn’t feel like such a burden. Maybe this is a desert period for you as a married couple to focus on one another and to build up your relationship with God? Maybe He wants to bless you just as you are right now…and when the time comes for new friendships, you’ll know and you’ll be ready. Do either of you have a spiritual director? Sharing what you’ve shared here with one might be a worthwhile next step.

wisdom in acceptance! I am loner by nature and vocation and find my Lord alone up here on the mountain and take Him with me the rare times I am out… " Help me to be as Thee to all I meet today…" Church means far far more than a gathering where everyone seems to be in a bubble. Here the priests vanish at the end of Mass and everyone vanishes too… Jesus doesn’t…

 

[Trident_H]

There was a church I went to that did have a real sense of community after Mass. But that was because someone always made coffee and someone else (maybe the CWL?) always brought cookies. Then everyone had to hang around and talk because of that. But it worked. It was a thing. I think they still do it even.

Peace.

-Trident

 

[Sarcelle]

There may be an attitude among parishioners of ‘okay, we’re supposed to go to mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation, so let’s go in and get this over with so I can go back to my life’ attitude.

I know I am guilty of this but I am working on getting rid of it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, but they are sometimes the people who just want to go to Mass and “get it over with.”

What I’ve noticed after reading various blogs, CAF, etc. is how my ethnic background has really colored my views on this. Community was always a family thing, and even non-blood related people were considered family (I have soooo many “aunties” and “uncles”). People expected children to be a natural part of the family structure and mishaps were no big deal. I saw this all as normal, and then I grow up to find out what the typical “traditional/trad” Christian believes is normal family life is incredibly different…and isolating.

I’ve probably been reading too many blogs, but there are some strange expectations on norms. On one hand, as much as I’d like to find a traditional, devout Catholic community, the other hand points out my husband and I won’t like the norms. My husband is not overly concerned with my hobbies, the way I wear my hair, makeup, clothes, opinions, etc. I’m not overly concerned with his, but from what I’ve gathered neither one of us would be “acceptable.” My husband is not a traditional or traditionalist (what term? IDK), and he doesn’t believe in the level of protection required over me I see touted by many trad Catholic blogs. Another big one-- I am childless and work outside of the home. How would that be taken by a traditional devout Catholic community?

Have you experienced not being found “acceptable” in the parishes you are considering? Remember that there is an extent to which bloggers live in a dream world. Just because we type our ideals with keyboard does not mean we actually have experienced that ideal.

I will say that there was a time when no one had this idea that anybody was going anywhere. Your parish was your parish, and you were stuck with everyone who lived there. No one was going to go off and join the parish that was more their political cup of tea. Your geographical parish was IT for you!

To be a Catholic is to have some experience with the universal. “Catholic” is the opposite of “provincial” or “narrow.” To be catholic is to be all-embracing, and therefore to be eclectic in make-up. We’re not supposed to be a league of particular churches. There is nothing better that can happen to a narrow parish than to be broadened by some parishioners who aren’t cut from the same mold that a few of the old timers think ought to describe everyone. It is a much better situation for developing charity.

 

[spunjalebi]

I’m not a blogger.

 

[1990Domer]

Well I know what you mean. But for different reasons. At least you’ve got each other though. I envy that.

Peace.

-Trident

I am someone like the other posters here–a wallflower. You would be shocked if you are asked to even volunteers a small amount of time of a church activity how quickly people open up to you. It’s rather amazing. They feel and appreciate the extra sacrifice. I don’t go out of my way to be showy with the things I volunteers for…usually in the corner selling 50:50 raffle tickets. But a smile and a good luck and thanks for helping out goes a long way.

 

[Trident_H]

I am someone like the other posters here–a wallflower. You would be shocked if you are asked to even volunteers a small amount of time of a church activity how quickly people open up to you. It’s rather amazing. They feel and appreciate the extra sacrifice. I don’t go out of my way to be showy with the things I volunteers for…usually in the corner selling 50:50 raffle tickets. But a smile and a good luck and thanks for helping out goes a long way.

I respect and admire you. And I mean I think that’s good advice. I wish I could follow it.

My problem is that I have to stay away from other people. I hurt everyone I get close to. I’m not a good person. And I make bad choices. I’m sort of trying to be a bit like a hermit so I can make sure I don’t cause any more harm. I want to be good, but I’m not. It’s complicated.

But thanks for caring. Really. I just wish I was different.

Peace.

-Trident

 

[signit]

There may be an attitude among parishioners of ‘okay, we’re supposed to go to mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation, so let’s go in and get this over with so I can go back to my life’ attitude.

I know I am guilty of this but I am working on getting rid of it.

I’m guilty of this, too.

And I was thinking, reading the thread the other day about how often other churches have services, maybe the church across the street has a certain sense of community because they have one Sunday service and everyone goes, instead of six Catholic Masses on a weekend like we have.

 

[holyrood]

How long has this been going on? That is a deal-breaker. Either this person has friends and ought to want to introduce you to them very soon after identifying you as a real long-term prospect or else only has you as a social life and ought to want to find couples to do things with. I’d look to either change this situation or change who I was seeing. The social situation when you get married would not get better, let’s just say that! More to the point, the chances that the relationship will ever lead to marriage when the person doesn’t see the two of you as a social unit is about zero.

What do your friends think of the person you are seeing? Or does this person not want to socialize with your friends, either?

Thank you for your concern, EasterJoy. I think it’s mostly that he has few friends in the area–although his closest friends hate me–because I’m Catholic and conservative. No other reason. They don’t even know me. But his family has also not reached out to me, in 18 months.

I have just ended the ‘relationship’ part of it.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

Spunjalebi,

We singles have got nothing to “offer” couples, especially to those with children of their own.

Especially if we have got “different” body language, appear a little unsuccessful in life, have got spots or smudges.

Now you and your husband are in an ideal position to “target” singles, or the widowed.

Incidentally this is called “being open to life”.

Start with a smile, and slow down in case someone will sense an opening for the question they haven’t had a chance to ask for 20 years.

You can explore whether you have overlapping hobbies and interests. For example I love geography and words. When fit enough, geography means going for a walk, otherwise it means talking about how God works through the world’s different peoples and landscapes. Words either means composing/singing/reading out loud, or it means discussing the various derivations, senses and usages.

 

[MarkInOregon]

This is a fascinating topic to me. We have moved from one extreme to the other several times. Currently we are at a Parish with almost no theology but extreme “community” Our old Parish had deep orthodoxy, and absolutely NO community. I have to admit that I like the liturgical more than the communal. And I am really struggling with my own faith since moving back to the fluffy world of
“community” Sure we go to our Mass, which is borderline faith destroying to me, and all our friends are there, and there is so much to volunteer for and do. We are constantly going out after Mass to a friends house, doing a youth group activity and catching up with many many “friends”

But I am dead inside spiritually now. Well, that is not true, I am angry. I am struggling. And community does not seem to be the answer, but rather the culprit.

But in our old, liturgically sound traditional parish. We were so lonely. We knew very few and made no friends (and we make friends easily) So it was a different kind of desert for us than we are experiencing now.

This is an interesting balance.

I am very sorry to hear this Hoosier Daddy–would never have guessed it from other posts of yours that I have seen.

Why are you angry? What does no theology but extreme community mean exactly?
What is it about the Mass at this parish – that is faith destroying? What exactly are they doing?
What is it about community that is the culprit for this?

I pray you are able to find your way out of your desert.

The peace of Christ,
Mark