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TeenCatholicGuy
Guest
If they are already in the routine of going to Mass, there is no issue.
However, at the age they are at, it is best that introducing extra routines is slow and gentle.
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However, at the age they are at, it is best that introducing extra routines is slow and gentle.
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Gertabelle
Guest
Sorry I’m a little late to this party. 
My approach to raising my son to go to confession is much like Bobochka’s – I work with him as he is, rather than thinking there is a one-size-fits-all approach.
He’s 13 and has been going to Catholic school since kindergarten. But next year he’ll be attending a public charter school. From this point on, I do not have the support of his school in raising him to be a Catholic man.
He’s both very private (reserved) about his feelings, and very stubborn. Forcing him to go on a certain time schedule would only backfire.
We’ve already started talking about the future of his faith formation – youth ministry activities, religious education classes (he’s already confirmed), private prayer and spiritual reading. This is child of God who needs to be involved in the process. And as his mom, I know this.
Glad Tidings, you have asked an excellent question, and you are surely a blessing to your children. Do talk with your pastor – he’ll probably have some excellent advice. And also ask you guardian angel, and your children’s, to lead you as God knows is needed.
God bless you!
My approach to raising my son to go to confession is much like Bobochka’s – I work with him as he is, rather than thinking there is a one-size-fits-all approach.
He’s 13 and has been going to Catholic school since kindergarten. But next year he’ll be attending a public charter school. From this point on, I do not have the support of his school in raising him to be a Catholic man.
He’s both very private (reserved) about his feelings, and very stubborn. Forcing him to go on a certain time schedule would only backfire.
We’ve already started talking about the future of his faith formation – youth ministry activities, religious education classes (he’s already confirmed), private prayer and spiritual reading. This is child of God who needs to be involved in the process. And as his mom, I know this.
Glad Tidings, you have asked an excellent question, and you are surely a blessing to your children. Do talk with your pastor – he’ll probably have some excellent advice. And also ask you guardian angel, and your children’s, to lead you as God knows is needed.
God bless you!
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ItTakesAllKinds
Guest
I am sure you have the best of intentions, but the tactics you are using put you at high risk for having adult children who will want nothing to do with the Church. Nothing wrong with correcting them when you see them doing something wrong. Shaming them and then inserting your opinions into their time with God in the confessional is over the top. Also, while you may need this to be a family event, I promise you pre-teens and teenagers don’t need it to be that at all. I encourage you to be sensitive for the need of privacy and autonomy when it comes to getting oneself into the confessional
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Lol. I think I’ll take my chances with our system.
I like the odds.
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TeenCatholicGuy
Guest
How long will they stay with the faith?
As someone who is in High School, I’m telling you that all of that will change.
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Blessedwithfive
Guest
As a parent of two children who have graduated college and two in college, and one in high school, I can attest that this system does indeed work. My kids are all faithful and knowledgeable on the faith. I do not bully the kids into attending but we still attend Confessions as a family about four times a year. The older kids especially thank me for taking them. They also attended Confessions in college and near where they live but they still like going as a family and that it is a priority for us when everyone is together celebrating holidays.
I am sorry if it didn’t work well in your family but the sacrament is never done as a punishment for their behaviors rather out of love for them and for God. I truly want them to have a “right relationship” with God and others. Many times that means admitting their fault in order to grow in grace.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
We have something in common. We both have experienced high school. I however have experienced the joy, and responsibility of parenthood and the job of raising my children in the faith educating them, and answering to God for that.
Yes, children can leave the faith, and yes, forcing things on them can have negative effects. But far worse is the idea of crippling them for life by not getting them to do the right thing.
The analogy of oral hygiene or good medical care is apt.
I don’t worry my kids will grow up and forsake the toothbrush and dentists because I force them to brush teeth and go to the dentist twice s year. Nor do I worry that they become organic, hippies because I vaccinated them ( by force)
For the record, I was raised in a non religious house. Though always religious on my own, I did not find the Church until high school. A Catholic high school my parents put me in for academic and social reasons. “Forced to sit through Mass and religious classes” Then, converting at the Catholic college I attended, helping my future wife into the Church.
Being raised in a jack Mormon, former Anglican house while being the only member of the household to pedal my behind to the Presbyterian Church every Sunday is not the optimal way to grow a Catholic. Just because I found the faith does not mean my parents were responsible in thier jobs! Just as some who have children fall away may not have been faulted for pushing the kids away from the faith.
I do think some can indeed take it to far, invoking a rebellious streak that certain ages are known for. I also think that streak is a natural and healthy phenomenon. As long as it is done with logic and safety.
My children will indeed stay with the faith. The materials we use for education are top notch and solid in classical education. Learning the building blocks of reason, encouraging debate and rhetoric. Something many schools have abandoned. They are influenced by the secular and a multitude of differing faith traditions ( none of our extended family is Catholic)
Not only do I bet my soul, and the souls of my children on it. But my children will not only retain thier faith, it’s my job to see that they GROW the faith, be it in families of thier own, or creating converts through interactions with the world.
A parent has the charge of co-creating saints with God. I’m supposed to not only insure they retain the faith, but excel at it and use the sacraments to obtain heaven. Same with a spouse. Part of that means driving them to Mass on Sunday because it’s a privilege and an obligation, part if that is getting them to the confessional line.
I once had a priest tell me kids confessions are like being beaten to death with butterfly wings. I watch them walk out of the confessional with them and the priest smiling. Thier moods, better, my children Visibly cleaner, happier, holier.
That’s my job as a parent.
Your job is to get a degree.
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tafan
Guest
5 kids who are adults now, all of them were “forced” to go to confession once a month. And “forced” to go to mass on Sundays. So far, all of them are still practicing catholics. I will continue with the method for my younger children. Again, this must be one of those. It’s what we do" type things. I do not recall a kid ever putting up a argument about going to confession. If I ever get busy and don’t get the kids to confession on time, I subsequently confess that sin. When I tell a priest that I failed to get my kids to confession on time, I have never been told by a priest it’s not a sin.
Put your kids in a car, tell them we are all going to confession. If you haven’t been doing that, start, and explain to them now the change of policy.
Put your kids in a car, tell them we are all going to confession. If you haven’t been doing that, start, and explain to them now the change of policy.
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babochka
Guest
For those of you who are in the camp of “pack everybody into the car and go to confession”, I have a couple of questions.
Have you ever had a child with, or dealt with yourself, severe anxiety regarding confession (or anything esle)? Given your family routines of going to confession together and on the same schedule, how would you deal with that?
Have you ever had a child who is more than willing to go to confession, who, in fact, recognizes the need for confession, but expresses a desire for a particular confessor who is not at the parish where you take your family? “I always feel rushed with Fr. So-and-So, but Fr. Such-and-Such at Parish X really listens.” Or “I have trouble understanding Fr. X’s accent.” Or simply, “I really like this priest for Confession. I feel like I am able to make a better confession because I’m comfortable with him.”
I confess to my pastor, in a parish of 20 families. That isn’t comfortable for some of my kids and I’m okay with that. I work with them to find a situation in which they are comfortable. I firmly believe that this works in their best interest, helping to foster a lifelong appreciation for this sacrament. My kids don’t necessarily go as often as I do, but my own frequency has changed, for various reasons, throughout my life. They do go considerably more frequently than the annual confession required by the Church and we work as a family to develop their consciences and foster a desire for the sacraments. I’m helped in this task by a priest who regularly preaches on confession and encourages each one of us to frequent the sacrament. This approach seems to work for us.
Have you ever had a child with, or dealt with yourself, severe anxiety regarding confession (or anything esle)? Given your family routines of going to confession together and on the same schedule, how would you deal with that?
Have you ever had a child who is more than willing to go to confession, who, in fact, recognizes the need for confession, but expresses a desire for a particular confessor who is not at the parish where you take your family? “I always feel rushed with Fr. So-and-So, but Fr. Such-and-Such at Parish X really listens.” Or “I have trouble understanding Fr. X’s accent.” Or simply, “I really like this priest for Confession. I feel like I am able to make a better confession because I’m comfortable with him.”
I confess to my pastor, in a parish of 20 families. That isn’t comfortable for some of my kids and I’m okay with that. I work with them to find a situation in which they are comfortable. I firmly believe that this works in their best interest, helping to foster a lifelong appreciation for this sacrament. My kids don’t necessarily go as often as I do, but my own frequency has changed, for various reasons, throughout my life. They do go considerably more frequently than the annual confession required by the Church and we work as a family to develop their consciences and foster a desire for the sacraments. I’m helped in this task by a priest who regularly preaches on confession and encourages each one of us to frequent the sacrament. This approach seems to work for us.
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tafan
Guest
First of all, its not always its on the exact same schedule, kids have sports or other activities, its not uncommon for a kid to not be available when the rest of the family goes and we take him the next day or perhaps the previous day.
As to severe anxiety regarding confession. No I have not had a child ever express that. Now, I am sure my kids, just like me, at times are nervous about going to confession. But “severe” anxiety, no. I really don’t understand that, although I don’t doubt some people have that problem. In almost 50 years of going to confession, I cannot remember ever having a priest say or do anything that would cause me to anxious the next time I went. I think with kids, it just helps that from the time they are in the second grade on, they just always go. So they are use to it.
I imagine anyone having severe anxiety about confession has anxiety problems about other things, I would hesitate to comment on anything that might border on a mental illness issue.
I have had a child express preferring to go to a certain priest as opposed to another one. No questions asked, I got her to the priest she wanted. If it happened again, I would do the same. Everyone should be able to choose their confessor.
Confession is not always comfortable for me either, so yea its ok to be fine with that. But its not ok, at least for my kids ( I am making no judgements, just suggestions) to not go as often because the are not comfortable. You have a priest who regularly preaches on the sacrament, I doubt seriously if he would be the type to cause much discomfort. And being uncomfortable is not nearly the same thing as severe anxiety.
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babochka
Guest
I’ve been going for over 40 years and have also never experienced a priest saying or doing anything to cause anxiety. But social anxiety is, by definition, irrational. Nobody causes it. It is common and very real.
Not necessarily. Sometimes social anxiety only manifests in particular ways. Some people have an intense and irrational fear of public speaking, but function well in other ways. Others have an irrational fear of confession. It is a problem to be worked through, but I just don’t see how “forcing” the situation could be helpful to anybody. It would likely not result in an actual confession anyway.
I’m glad to hear that. Preferred confessors in our family just happen to be all over town.
Being uncomfortable has to do with preferred confessors, not anxiety. Each member of my family has gone to our pastor at some time or another, but only two of us prefer him. It isn’t the priest himself who causes discomfort, it is the fact that we all know him very well and he knows us. Many adults would prefer to avoid this situation if possible. I’ve also heard from many adults here on CAF who refuse to go to confession face-to-face if it is practical and reasonable (as in, not an emergency). Since going in our parish means going face-to-face to a priest who knows us well, I think it is perfectly understandable for my kids to choose to go somewhere else. And sometimes that takes more planning on my part. And sometimes it results in less frequent confessions. How blessed we are to have so many choices!
I’m not saying that anybody should put off a necessary confession because of this, but confession is absolutely necessary only in the case of mortal sin and/or annually. Outside of this, there is great latitude and the frequency is determined by many things: the person’s own spiritual state, availability of confession (or particular confession), types of sins, habit, etc. I’m planning to get to confession this Sunday, but it involves getting to church early and with my family, that is no easy feat. It doesn’t always happen as smoothly as one would hope. My pastor will be out of town next week. I could go somewhere else during the week. I have a good number of options every day of the week, but I’ll just wait for him to return. Why? Because I’m more comfortable with my regular confessor. Because of this, I make better confessions. And that’s a perfectly legitimate reason to wait a week.
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tafan
Guest
Perhaps I read too much into your use of the word severe in your previous post.
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babochka
Guest
Probably not. You do seem to be conflating “anxiety” with “uncomfortable”, though.
They are two different issues, involving different people.
But I do have a child with severe social anxiety, if you would consider an 8-year-old hiding under the pews to avoid confession “severe”. And while the situation is no longer so dramatic, years of dealing with this child to help her through this has taught me a few things about seeing children as individuals with individual needs and individual struggles. Parenting is not one-size-fits-all and neither is the spiritual life.
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GladTidings
Guest
Sorry about your daughter’s anxiety issue. I understand how it can be. Our daughter who is 9 has always been afraid of high ceilings. It is called Altocelarophobia. Churches can be intimidating.
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ItTakesAllKinds
Guest
Thank you for taking the time to explain this sort of thing here. So often, people with good intentions don’t seem to understand that one size doesn’t always fit all, especially when it comes to parenting. You sound like a wonderful, kind parent. Your children are lucky to have you guiding them.
Tis_Bearself
Patron
I had confession anxiety as a teenager and young adult, as I already mentioned on this thread. It was related to my mother making me go to confession after we had already had an argument that day. She meant well but emotionally I just couldn’t take it and after that for many years I have had difficulty remaining calm in the confessional.
I think a routine of going as a family and making it “no big deal” and not tied to some big blowup or “sin” (as perceived by my mother - we did not always agree on what constituted me committing a “sin” vs. me just expressing an opinion of my own that she did not like) would have helped in my case. I also did not appreciate my mother feeling a need to point out what my “sins” might be as again, we did not share the same view. This wasn’t anything obvious like lying or stealing or staying out all night, it was more the “difference of opinion” type issue that manifests when some children hit adolescence and don’t necessarily agree with everything their mothers think.
Not saying it would work for everybody though. Each person is different. Maybe the things I found upsetting as a young person would actually be productive for another teen or tween. However, if I had a young child who was hiding under a seat to not go in the confessional, I’d want to find out why, to make sure he hadn’t been physically or emotionally abused in there, as opposed to simple shyness or social anxiety or even a fear that he might not do the confession “right”.
From my childhood experiences, some priests are very good at hearing children’s and teenager’s confessions; some are not, and can come off as very harsh, when kids usually need someone to be kind. I did also have priest preferences when I was young but that was in the days when there would be 4 priests at my own church to choose from and I could pick the one I liked from that lot - no need to go to a different church.
I think a routine of going as a family and making it “no big deal” and not tied to some big blowup or “sin” (as perceived by my mother - we did not always agree on what constituted me committing a “sin” vs. me just expressing an opinion of my own that she did not like) would have helped in my case. I also did not appreciate my mother feeling a need to point out what my “sins” might be as again, we did not share the same view. This wasn’t anything obvious like lying or stealing or staying out all night, it was more the “difference of opinion” type issue that manifests when some children hit adolescence and don’t necessarily agree with everything their mothers think.
Not saying it would work for everybody though. Each person is different. Maybe the things I found upsetting as a young person would actually be productive for another teen or tween. However, if I had a young child who was hiding under a seat to not go in the confessional, I’d want to find out why, to make sure he hadn’t been physically or emotionally abused in there, as opposed to simple shyness or social anxiety or even a fear that he might not do the confession “right”.
From my childhood experiences, some priests are very good at hearing children’s and teenager’s confessions; some are not, and can come off as very harsh, when kids usually need someone to be kind. I did also have priest preferences when I was young but that was in the days when there would be 4 priests at my own church to choose from and I could pick the one I liked from that lot - no need to go to a different church.
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